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'The Italian Lob' Part III by Philip Evans

user image 2015-05-27
By: Ceri Shaw
Posted in: Humor





Scene 17

Rome sweet Rome.

Try as he might Des Res couldn't keep up with the Porsche and gets lost in the Italian Countryside in doing so.

Titch: ' How can you get lost when all roads lead to Rome?'

Perrier: 'Why don’t you ask for directions in that Spartacus Pizza Hut?'

They eventually arrive in the Roman capital with Mario announcing in Welsh and Italian to his Mother his arrival in her homeland.

Mario: ' Mama Mia...Mam I' m here!'

The streets are lined with beautiful dark haired girls with skimpy bra-less tee- shirts!

Titch: 'See Naples and die!'

Perrier: ' But I thought we were going to Rome!' he says dimly as they drive in congested traffic passed the Colosseum.

Pat: ' I don't know what you see in them girls....not one of them is ginger!'

The city is alive with Welsh Rugby fans - all clad in red and white and anti Anne Robinson tee- shirts.

Pat: ' Now that's more like it!'

The car passes designer shops, Gucci, Prada and Des Res ( Rome) Limited- a carbon copy of his shopfront back home as an Estate Agency - Des Res looks baffled as they have stolen his logo and name.

Pat: 'I bet it is expensive in there!'

Titch: 'La Coste of Living is greater out here!'

Des Res: 'Next stop... Vatican City...I have some business with the Pontiff!'

Scene 18

Is the Pope a Catholic?

The mini pulls up illegally in St Peters's Square . The boys get an ugly look from a Swiss Guard wearing a Traffic Wardens hat as they scatter the pigeons.

Des Res: ' I've got a confession to make Boys....I planned this trip to cover my own acquisition of an Old Masterpiece!'

Des Res: ' I have done a deal with the Pope to buy a priceless rare collaboration work by Renaissance Men , Michelangelo, Raphel, Leonardo and Donatello!'

To get passed the guards, he shows them his gold medallion previously hidden beneath is 1970s Bee Gee chest is of St Peter the patron Saint of Estate Agents. He is shown into a room to be granted an audience with Pope John Paul II. Des bows to the Pope and hands him a business card.

Des Res: ' We have a mutual friend- a papal knight in Merthyr- you have a palace- he has a castle!'

Pope John Paul II: ' So you have come for the Nazi War treasures Kurt Waldheim gave me ...have you?'....Do you have the Reddy Money?'

As Des opens up his wallet full of Euros - His Crookedness the Pontiff unscrews the top of his Papal Staff and pulls out a curled up masterpiece.

Pope: 'Do you want to see it?'

Des Res: ' We have a saying in the estate agency business God we trust...everyone else pays cash...or goes to sealed bids...and you're the closest thing to God I will ever meet!' laughed Des taking a cylindrical protector off the Holy See's desk.

As Des leaves the room...the Pope reaches down under his white robe and pulls out a hip- flask and swigs alcohol from it.

Pope:' I've a've been framed!'

Des RES skips back through the Square towards the car. He is beaming as he has effected the second Italian Lob.

Mario: 'Someone looks happy!'

Des places the painting unopened in the fake exhaust.

Pat: ' I haven't seen him look THAT happy since he sold that fifth floor flat with no lift to Stephen Hawking on the basis that his guests would sound like him on the intercom!'

Scene 19

The Place of the Martyrs Hotel.

The boys are all unpacking their gear ready for a night in Rome on the eve of the Rugby Match. Pat opens the room curtains to find they can't open the window because it backs onto the cells that the prisoners of the Coliseum were tortured in.

Pat: ' I always said I would be Christian here!'

Looking down at the floor which was alive with cockroaches he continues.

Pat: 'Caesars palace it ain't ...I reckon we got the animal quarters!'

Titch: ' It's thumbs down from me - the Coliseum stinks worse than Des' feet!'

Des Res : ' Stop moaning will least the neighbours don't have pot- bellied pigs!'...pointing at Pat with his gut showing putting on his Welsh rugby tee shirt showing Howard Marks being arrested by a policeman.

Perrier who has a pot bellied pig takes exception to the comment.

Mario: ' Well boys...we made it to we are in Rome we must do what the Romans do!'

Des Res : ' What...pinch handbags and arses?' ( as he pinches Pat's arse as he struggles to get the tiny tee- shirt over his big belly),

Titch: 'No...drinka di Vino!'

Scene 20

The Streets of Rome near the Trevi Fountain on Match Day. It is warm in Rome on St Davids Day and the boys have got a few pints on . They leave a side street, and join a massive throng of Welsh Rugby fans with giant daffodils, top hats and blow- up sheep everywhere. They decide to cool off by dipping into the Trevi Fountain. Titch puts his supply of beer in the front, whilst Mario and Pat argue over an ice cream cone.

Titch: 'What's this song....?'....Three cans in a fountain...

They change it to a drunken rendition of 'Volare!' ....and then 'just one Cornetto' as they fight over an ice cream. As they make their way to the Stadio Olympico, the five tourists argue and debate over the greatest Welsh Player ever. Like most Rugby fans of a certain age they harp back to the halcyon days of the 1970s when Wales ruled the Northern Hemisphere.

Titch: 'Gareth Edwards for me!z'

Mario: 'King Barry John'

Perrier : 'I think JJPR !" He said inebriatedly.

Des Res: ' You can't have two Mun you drunken bugger! about you Pat?'

Pat:' Jenks for me...professional, accurate and of course ginger!'

The cry of Wales...Wales ...echoed around the stadium corridors, as Pat reached for his digital camera.

Pat: ' Thank Barry John for that...I thought I had left my camera at the Hotel....I promised My Editor that I would get a few photos for the Depress!,

He split from the others and showed them his Press Badge and made his way with his Assistant Titch to the touch line behind the Italian posts.

Scene 21

The Italian and Welsh teams lead out and line up for their respective National Anthems. They are led out by the Band of the Royal Welsh Fusiliers and a ceremonial goat. Mario, Des and Perrier could make out the shape of Little & Large sitting on the grass relaxing behind the goals. After a circuit of the ground, the band and goat leave the stadium. The game kick offs and the Welsh team race to a 9-3 lead through the reliable boot of Neil Jenkins.

Pat:' See...he slurs ...that Jenks is magic !'

Titch looks on.

Pat: ' I will let you in on a reporters secret...I know how he is so accurate!'

' A good newshound never reveals his sources but my mate works for 'Just Mentals' and he told me his him from behind next time!'

The whistle goes again for an infringement and Jenks steps up to take the kick.

Pat: 'See that shadow of his ears on the pitch are aligned with the goalposts....he keeps his head still and kicks through his boot....he was also taught by his mate the Maori Chief that every tackle on the pitch is a spiritual battle against an invader...a modern day ' War of Jenkins Ears' if you like!' laughed Pat falling over into the grass.

Titch: ' That's bullshit!'

Pat: ' Goat shit actually !' ( rubbing his hands).

Pat looks through the camera lens but is so drunk he has double vision.

Pat: 'Titch take some pictures for me otherwise my editors will be a head-hitter on Monday Morning when I get home!'

Scene 22

Potters wheel

Up in the stand the balance of power on the pitch was turning. Like his wine- Des Res was in vintage form. He was a passionate supporter.

Des Res: 'C'mon pass the bloody ball out wide!'

He was mentally tackling and scrummaging like he was on the pitch. Demi Moore appears from the crowd.

Demi: ' At last, I've been looking for you all over the stadium!"

For the third time that weekend, Des looked deeply into Demi Moore's eyes and the Welshman lost track of the game and surroundings- it was a blur - like Russell Crowe in Elysium Fields, Gladiator Maximus Boyceius- he was oblivious to pain ( Demi-god Max Boyce is shown in a field talking to him)- oblivious as the scoreboard turns over with Italian points. Des Res is motionless- his mind is elsewhere. It is a fantasy scene. He stands behind Demi with his hands turning an imaginary potter’s wheel like in the scene from the film ‘Ghost’. She turns around and slaps him hard across the face- he has been fondling her Silicon implant breasts like he was turning a lathe. A stadium steward has to intervene to break his grip. When he realises what has happened- he goes red and then white with embarrassment like the Welsh flag.

DES RES: ‘Miss Moore, more please!” he pleads like ‘Oliver’ in the Dickens story with a finished potters bowl.

The stewards drag the sex attacker away towards the pitch and his ‘phoney passport’ falls onto the grass in the struggle. He is ‘booed’ by the crowd around him. He struggles to pick his passport up.

Des Res: ‘But I only want to go to the touchline again!”

He is restrained further by more security stewards. The Passport is lifted off the floor by a steward who looks at the picture and hands it to the nearby Bruce Willis. He in turn gets the passport stolen by a pickpocket in a melee of the crowd. The pickpocket and Des Res both get arrested by the Police and slung in the back of a Police Van. Mario, & Perrier decide to watch the end of the game before going to the aid of their friend. There is 5 minutes left with the score Italy 6 Wales 12. Suddenly, the ball is hoisted high into the air as a change of tactics.

Perrier: ‘What is a Garry Owen called in Italy?”

Mario: ‘ Him’ said Mario pointing at a hairless Pack Leader.

The Italian Captain, Garry Baldi has ordered his fly-half to kick it high and in the direction of Welsh Forward Robert Sidoli. He knows he has divided loyalties as his Brother Peter plays for the Home side.

Garry Baldi : “99”

The third Italian Lob was on. Sidoli stands sweating. The ball takes an eternity to drop. His mouth is dry- divided loyalties- does he catch it for Wales or drop it for Italy. Out of the corner of his eye he catches sight of an Italian Mafia Hitman with a gun pointed at him. Sidoli’s legs turn to jelly and his hands to ice cream. He drops it rather than be killed by a contract killer. The ball bounces free and into the hands of massive Italian forward- Hugo Bastardo. The Welsh BBC Sport commenter Jonathan Edwards takes up the microphone. John Inverdale and every single Englishman (including Eddie Butler) in the studio is willing the Italians to score and leave Wales with a first ever Wooden Spoon.

Edwards: ‘Bastardo has the ball 5 metres out…all that stands between Italy and victory is Neil Jenkins…all that stands between Wales or Italy for the wooden spoon is Jenkins…it is a David and Goliath story here and my monies are on Goliath’

On the side behind the goal, the drunken Titch had strayed too close to the action…too busy looking through the camera lens. Due to his Press Badge- no steward would interfere. He tries to get a close up shot for Pat’s editor…now all that stood between the rampaging forward was the squatting six stone frame of Titch. The noise in the ground is deafening as the Forward crosses the line and places the ball down tackled by Jenkins as he collides the unfortunate Titch. For a split second only Titch knew that the rugby ball hadn’t been grounded by the Italian Forward. He had made the supreme sacrifice for his Country.

Titch: AAAAARGH!!!! As he is hurt and the camera obliterated in the collision.

The Referee asks the Fourth Official:-

Ref: “Can I award the try?”

He and the rest of the stadium look up at the big screen and see that the Italian has put the ball down in the ‘Dead Ball Zone’ but that there was a nut sack belong to Titch in the way. Merthyr’s latest eunuch was rolling round in agony- while the rest of his companions (bar Des Res) are jumping around in ecstacy. The Try is disallowed. The referee blows the final whistle. Pat starts to sob. Mario races from the stands to the pair.

Mario: ‘Why are you crying….we won…you are both Heroes!”

Pat: ‘I bet the suitcase of money on Italy to win!”

The Italian crowd and stewards now turn nasty. They too have realised that it is Titch ‘tackle bags’ that have robbed them of Victory. Perrier takes matters into his own hands. He strips off to create a ‘Dai-version’ and streaks across the field to distract them. They race through the players tunnel and reach the Mini-Car- pursued by lots of angry officials. They then drive out of the City using the sewers and stadium roof like the film the Italian Lob. As they do…a dementia suffering Michael Caine does a double take at the Union Jack Mini. They escape (like the old Mini advert) because the Police cars cannot cross the cattle grids.

Final scene

Outside Viazzani’s Café in John Street , Merthyr

The four friends are back in Merthyr buzzing of sweat, unshaven and bleary eyed having driven the car non-stop for two days. They ‘roll in’ to a look of disgust from Luigi. They are surprised to find that Des Res has beaten them home. He sits there immaculately dressed- smelling of quality aftershave, as he lowers the broadsheet Merthyr Depress newspaper.

Des Res: “ What kept you?”

The others are shocked as to how he had beaten them home- in view of the last time they saw him he was on his way to an Italian jail.

Pat: “ How the Hell did you get home before us?”

Des Res: ‘The Orient Express of course!”

Mario: ‘Was it packed?”

Des Res: ‘At first it was Murder…but once I showed them this…I was upgraded!”

He shows them Bruce Willis passport that he had lifted from his pick-pocket cell mate.

Titch: ‘ So how the Hell did you get out the Police Jail so fast?”

Des Res:’ I used the one word of Italian Perrier taught met !” he said (pretending to sneeze)

Perrier’ ‘What Ebola?”

Des nods.

Des Res: “ Oh and Pat…your Editor is outside the window…I think he has a message for you!”

The Editor is outside the half window of the café waving a sack.

Pat: ‘ I have something that belongs to you- !”

He hands Des the rolled up painting still in the cylinder removed from the Mini fake exhaust. Pat turns his back on the group and starts to smile- he is waiting for a cry of desperation from Des RES. The camera pans out with Pat smirking even if he is about to lose his job. DES Res unfurls the painting for the first time. It is a work of Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo & Raphel as promised by the Pontiff- but they have green faces. It is of the Teenage Mutant Nina Turtles- which he has paid £40K for. He has been conned.

Des Res: (like the Terminator) ….There’s going be a new Pope in Rome soon…I’ll be back John Paul!” (angily)

Luigi: ‘ What’s the matter with him?”

Pat: ‘I think he is having ‘Turtle Recoil!”