Recently Rated:
Stats
“ This mist is a real pea-souper!” declared reveller Meirion Glyndwr to one of his accomplices.
“ I know ....it seems to have become stronger since that last farmhouse !” he replied holding onto the dead horse’s tail.
“ We are we?” asked Meirion his hands out in front of him like a methodone zombie, as he stumbled about the Welsh mountainside, holding the Mari Lwyd like it was some kind of compass.
“ Let the grey mare guide you bachgen!” said his companion Rebecca Iot.
“ Twm Shaun Catty.....announced the man (dressed as a woman) drunkenly...I do believe we are lost....hic !”
The trio had set off from the village of Llangynwyd, near Maesteg, on a very foggy New Years Eve to celebrate the pre-Christian Festival of the Mari Lwyd.
To those who were uninitiated, the pagan custom involved the practice of dressing up a dead horse’s skull with false ears and eyes and covering it with reins and bells and a white sheet colourfully decorated with ribbons all set on a S4C ‘television aerial’ as an impromptu pole.
The trio of Welsh speakers....the last three left in the heavily anglicised South Wales Valleys....had recently been granted £50,000.00 by the Welsh Assembly Government to continue the tradition and had spent the lot over the Christmas period boozing in the Maesteg pubs.
They had been at their ‘three horseman of the apocalypse’ tour since it went dark at 3.30pm in the ‘Nags Head’ Inn in Maesteg and 20 farmhouses later they stood pissed out of their ‘skull’ on a bracken covered hillside miles from anywhere.
“ This Mari Llyd must have been made by the Americans...!” declared Rebecca –a six foot three bearded Welshman with the same physique as Pontypridd’s Tommy David.
“ It has got us lost in the fog...it has all the accuracy of a US Bombing raid in Iraq...!” said Twm.
“ We are never lost as long as we are in Wales....we always get a ‘welcome in the hillsides’ said Meirion.
“ Did you spray those last cottages with my name...like I told you....so Hansel & Gretel here can find our way back to Llangynwyd?” he asked .
“ Yes....look there is an unlit dual carriageway in the distance...!” declared Twm pointing with the bony finger of the skeletal horse.
As the trio skipped down the hillside , rolling and cackling drunkenly they reached the roadside.
“ Look the AA emergency phone has had the wires bitten through...look at the human teeth-marks.... !” stuttered Twm
“ and the bottom of that road sign has been unscrewed and sold by the gypsies as scrap metal!” said Rebecca.
“ Where the hell are we?” asked the Mari Lwyd moving its jaw and looking like an equine grim reaper.
“ Nice one...Meirion...I didn’t see your lips move that time!” said Twm laughing.
“ With that aerial ...you’re more like Rod Hull and Emu....but I still think it’s a sick tradition having your hand up a dead horse’s arse!” said Rebecca.
“ Merthyr!” said Meirion.
“ Bollocks....!....you’re just trying to scare us... that place doesn’t exist...like Brigadoon!” said Rebecca.
“ Is it true they are still flesh –eaters ?....because I read somewhere in a newspaper that they had a huge find of cannibals in Bethesda Street!” said Twm nervously.
“ No... that was CANNABIS...and it was reported in the Merthyr Depress- you know the one that strives for accuracy and doesn’t have any printing errors!” said Meirion.
“ Talk about the Green, Green, Grass of Home then!” sighed Rebecca...
“ It is a sad fact when the bilingual road-signs have English, Portuguese & Polish but not Welsh!” he said putting a sticker ‘Ble mai Cymraeg’ on it in protest.
“ Look...over there on the banking marked A470- with that signpost and lay-by sponsored by Chris Rea ....there’s a farmhouse lit with oil lamps....it looks like there isn’t any mains electricity or mains sewerage in the town. !” said Rebecca.
“ We ARE in Merthyr then....someplace called Aberfan to be precise.... !” said Meirion.
“ They don’t need electricity anymore...no need for washing machines, vacuum cleaners or Sinclair C5’s since Hoover closed it’s factories!”
The three revellers looked at each other sadly then made their way towards the stone walled farmhouse cheering themselves up by shouting ‘Mari Lwyd’ repeatedly as one in Welsh.
Inside the rented Holiday Cottage, the Englishman put another log on the wood burner .
It was much colder at a thousand feet above sea level ...much colder than his native Norfolk, but then again he only had three months left of complying with his bail conditions before he could return home.
He looked around him at the 200 year old cottage and realised then why it had been given an F rating on the Energy Performance Certificate scale.
He shivered visibly and wondered when the promised global warming would start.
And then it went off.
The trip wire he had set in the garden sent up high, a flare which illuminated the area for 200 yards in all directions.
With the mud and pig-shit in the cottage yard, it was reminiscent of a scene from the Battle of the Somme.
The trio of revellers had set in motion a chain of events that they would come to regret.
As the passed the pig- sty, three Portu-geezers stuck their heads through the wooden structure and shouted in their native tongue to keep the noise down as they were trying to sleep.
Unfortunately, not being to converse in Welsh , the anger intensified.
“ Talk about Mi-grunt workers!” complained Rebecca as he approached the cottage carry the Mari Lwyd.
He banged hard on the solid wooden door and shouted his challenge in Cymraeg.
“ Cnocio, cnocio!” said the trio in bardic harmony.
“ Who’s out there?” replied the Saesneg nervously.
“ Cnocio, cnocio!” said the men of Maesteg.
“ Kinnock....I don’t trust you ....you slimy red-haired freckled Eurocrat....!” said the angry farmer aware of the custom that a red haired man on your doorstep brought bad luck.
“ Cnocio, cnocio.....!” came the challenge for the third time.
“ Is that you Kinnockio....you lying politician bastard....what time of night is this to go campaigning!” said the agriculturalist.
“ Try him with the pwnco!” suggested Twm.
“ Siarad Cymraeg?” demanded Meirion.
“ No...there’s no Sharon living here....wrong cottage ...this is Bleak House 2 ....what the Dickens do you want?!” said the Farmer reaching for his trusty shotgun.
“ Y Mari...dewch I mewn!” asked the drunken Welshmen.
“ I told you Portuguese before ....I’m renting this cottage.... I pay the bills....go and find somewhere to stay!” said the farmer patience starting to wear thin.
“ Bwyd i cefyll os gwelwch yn dda (Food for the horse please) ....cwrw dwyieuthog...(bilingual beer) ......!” demanded the Mari Party.
“ Dim baras?” they continued.
“ Dim Barras!” said the farmer eyes widening in fear and then rage remembering the gypsy burglars that had got him into trouble with the Police and Courts in the first place.
“ Let us in ....we only want food and drink for the mare!” said Twm in broken English.
To the cottager, who knew there was a £60,000.00 bounty on his head – it was a trick and that he would be a dead man if he opened the door to the thieving gypsy clan.
“ Pull the other one...it’s got bells on!” said the farmer defiantly.
There was more than ‘reasonable farce’ at play here on ‘Nos Galan’.
Looking through the spy-hole, the elderly farmer could see three young men, one a transvestite and a skeletal figure of a horse with huge bony teeth.
Clutching his only friend, a 12 bore shotgun for comfort he released the safety catch.
He could understand why the men were here but why did they have that bony mare from the One Show Christine Bleakley as a hostage .
True it was coming up to ‘Daybreak’.
The trio were determined to get the last free food and nosh before setting off home and once again beat forcibly on the wooden door.
“ Try him with a Christmas Carol instead!” suggested Twm.
As they struck up the first verse of ‘We three Kings all Ospreys are!”, Rebecca felt his dress lifting unnaturally and cold steel tickling his whiskers below.
“ Bachgen, cenned yn awr!” (Boys... we need to leave now).
The three , realising they were outgunned decided discretion was the better part of valour.
They turned ‘tail’ and fled.
The door opened and the now confident farmer seeing his quarry running, blasted the closest one in the arse with buckshot.
Poor Rebecca’s first thoughts was how he was going to explain to the Maesteg Casualty Department why he was wearing C & A knickers....besides he had the labels mixed up and had them on back to front.
As they raced passed the Portuguese with the dead horse at the front....England’s oldest ally....they had to dodge pig-shit missiles as the Catholics were terrified it was the ghost of Shergar riding abroad on New Years Eve..
“ Who the Hell is living there?” asked Meirion as he ran for his life.
“ Kevin McAllister?....Macaulay Culkin....Homo Alone?” he asked through panting breath.
“ No, Senor... came the Iberian reply.
“ His letters .....they say he ees called Senor Tony Martin!”
It was the Night Mare after Christmas.
As she woke from her first nap of the day , the carer wiped the drool from the corner of her mouth, with a BUPA emblazed napkin.
As her 100 year old eyes adjusted to her surroundings, Miss Dee Mentia , realized that she was still in her reality show nightmare- the oldest living dinosaur on the Tara Ward of Gran-Yr-Afon Nursing Home in Merthyr Tydfil.
Her eyes met those of her close friend for the past decade, Miss Bette Whetter, who too was slumped in a chair staring at the bland magnolia walls of her BUPA prison.
" It's a good job we didn't smoke , drink or partied all our lives ................or ....we would missed all this!!!!! Slurred Dee in exasperation at her surroundings.
Bette for once, understood her friend and began merrily to chortle at Dee's dry sense of humour.
It was the only thing dry for Bette , as for the last year she had unfortunately lost control of all her bodily functions and literally pissed herself everytime her fellow 'Bad Girl' cracked a funny.
Dee , on the other hand was physically fit but 'mentally challenged' .
" Can I get you anything? ......asked Nurse Allitt... before Doctor Shipman does his rounds."
" Death.... please.....!" begged Dee ..I can't afford to stay here any longer...this Labour Government have sold my house, taken all my savings and I am down to my last £500 .....I don't want to spend the rest of my days in that dump!"....
Allitt and Whetter didn't need to look out of the window to know which dump Dee was moaning about.
The 'dump' was the former Kirkhouse Nightclub which had been converted into an NHS Nursing home...turning former ravers into real ravers.
" Even my children and Grandchildren have gone before me....Dee continued..." Why am I still here!"
In her heart , she thought she knew the real answer....in her late teens she had gone " Skinny dipping " in the Taff Fechan River in Pontsarn , taking an illicit naked shower with a German Prisoner Of War ... like the Rider Haggard character played by Ursula Undress ..... SHE...... had become immortal in the " Blue Pool" ....with what was his name....Al ...something..... she had forgotten...
" Al Zheimers!"....interjected Bette.....
" I didn't realize I was talking out loud....said a startled DEE.
" You weren't..... you were strumming the tuna banjo again...and I don't want my lucky Bingo pen back now........laughed Bette Whetter once again living up to her name.
The two friends , like a scene from a surreal Ziegfield follies, dripped in liquid harmony as the waited for Doctor Shipman to arrive.
Out in the car park , the Blue BUPA ambulance screeched to a halt..... suddenly driver Rees Susitation remembered that he was actually driving his ambulance and not his quad bike across the Gurnos Road Gardens....opening the back door he helped the occupants up ,swapped their false teeth and glasses and helped them onto their Zimmers and into the reception of the Gran Yr Afon Nursing Home.
" Gott in Himmel...Zat man is a menace! ....barked the taller man...."63 years ago I vood have had him shot..."
" Now , now Al....said the Welshman as he comforted his former Prisoner of War...times have changed!..people have changed...nobody has a minute to spare these days..... for us old folk....who fought and died for King & Country! "
The Jerry-atrics were met on reception by Nurse Allitt.
" Morning gentleman and your names are.....!"
" Corporal Dai Young Member of the Royal Signal Artillery .....and my prisoner of war is ..... Al Zheimers" the Welshman replied.
The look from the ex-SS German Captain was enough to freeze a Jewish stool in midair.
" Sorry old habits..... die hard....do you take Nuremberg Nazis in here? Apologized Dai.
" MRSA's are always welcome here...but Germans.....!"snapped Allitt
" Do you take ze Nazi Gold Card?" enquired Zheimers
" That'll do nicely...replied the Nurse changing her tone.
" See ...only the good.... Dai Young...." Barked Zheimer in Teutonic Triumph..
" Tell me about it....die young....I'm hundred and still going strong!"...moaned Dee in her bath-chair.
As the new arrivals were led away to their rooms, the German turned his head as in the distance he thought he had heard a female voice familiar to him.
" I have tried everything to die Bette....pills...... poison.....I even tried Merthyr Council's Electoral Registration in case they did Munchhausen's Syndrome by Proxy...... after Nurse Allitt told me about it....but nothing works.....all my friends and family have all predeceased me .....but I am still here.....with only you to talk to.....but after tomorrow ....I have to go... I have no money left.....what am I going to do!"....sobbed Dee.
" Let's escape then....!" suggested Bette
" Where to....besides I can't take you ...you'd leave a trail....."moaned Dee
" Pontsarn....we could hide in the old Sanatorium on Pontsarn Road !" laughed Bette
" What would we eat!..they don't do meals on wheels" whinged DEE.
" We could visit the Blue Pool and have a picnic....or eat insects like on the reality shows !"
" Why not ...today I am 100 years young....I 'm a Centenary get me outtahere!"
" Vie leaf it til tomorrow..... interrupted an Arian Clark Gable ....after all Scarlett....tomorrows another day!"
After a moment's hesitation, like Margaret Mitchell before her in her hospital bed, Dee's jaw dropped...... as the love of her life walked into Tara Ward and back into her arms.
Bette spoilt the romantic moment .....the excitement was too much for her...letting out a death rattle that Father Jack in Father Ted would have been proud of ..... she too was Gone with the Wind!.
Clutching onto his Zimmer frame the scrawny German ordered..." Yes..... let's run away together..... for one last Golden Shower!"
" Can I come too .....to watch? Asked Bette
" Yes...lassie I'll take you, even ......If I have to carry you....promised Dai...not realizing the effect that would have on his Berwick tweed jacket and trousers.
The tryst had been set .....and the last of the Summer Wine would be poured.
" Give me ten minutes to pack my BAG.....asked Dee coyly....
" Pack lightly ....ordered the former Nazi
" Colostomy".
As Prince Charles descended the marble stairwell of Buckingham Palace he had some strange looks from his footmen as the Furry Tail of a Vixen hang down from the back of his head.
In place of the Crown, the Clown Prince wore this latest offering designed to have animal rights protestors in a frenzy.
As he entered the drawing room , Camilla made a contorted face and asked Charles where he was going with that monstrosity on his head.
"Merthyr Tydfil....he replied ..."where the fook's that!".....puzzled expression on her face Camilla asked .....
"yes, it is a fox hat and I have it on!!!" replied Charles indignantly.
" It's our oldest resident 's 100 Birthday today.......whispered Doctor Shipman.
" I know and she has two surprises lined up later....!" Answered Nurse Allitt.
" We have arranged a publicity stunt for Prince Charles to come to Merthyr to read a telegram from the Queen.
" How did you manage that?" queried Allitt.
" Well you know that we are a flagship of the new Privatised NHS ......I had a word with that Blair-faced liar..... and we got taking about the fact that before we took over the home..... we had over a hundred patients....we are now down to two..... at Prince Charles Hospital we have cut waiting times for Hip operations.......increased bone donations and saved the NHS massive costs on elderly care....as Camilla will confirm Prince Charles LOVES pensioners.....and more spaces in our care homes...means more houses the Government can illegally take from vulnerable pensioners......Tony....was only to happy for another photocall....before he goes to the Lords.
The pair were too engrossed in their conversation to notice the ex-SAS and German Military veterans escape from Stalag 17 with their females hostages.....Dai Young, in true Andy McNabb style ensuring none of Bette's stools were left at enemy HQ for tracking purposes.
During World War 2 , Dai Young had escaped from the real Colditz , captured countless German Tanks but this was his first ambulance.
'Dai Hard with a vengeance' became his nickname.
He soon had the vehicle hotwired and the four wrinklies became the oldest joy riders (but not the first) Georgetown had ever seen.
As the ambulance zigzagged through Cyfarthfa Road at break-neck speed, they dodged members of the congregation of the Church of Latter days Saints crossing the road ...pausing only for a Mormontary lapse.
" Tell us the story of how you two met !" enquired Bette eager to find out the romantic Mills & Boon tale of forbidden love between a Welsh teenager and a German Prisoner of War.
" Vell, It was 1945 and the last week of the War, I was aboard a German Fockewolf Airplane flying over Wales on a mission to negotiate the peace when some dead-eye anti-aircraft gunner caught me in his searchlights and shot me down over Treharris...I thought I was Fockkered but at the last minute managed to parachute out..... but ended up landing in the former open-air Swimming Pool in Edwardsville......!" reminisced Al Zheimer.
"Unfortunately ze Pool was drained and the subsidence in the area meant the shallow end was 15 metres deep and I was kept prisoner there for one week .......which was worse because the War was over!!!!!
" Ze Tommy that caught me was Dai here....who apologized....eventually...... but made it up to me by taking me to a Barn dance in Pontsarn .....where I met the lovely Dee here....who taught me ze reason why it was called ze Blue Pool.!"
Dee blushed red .
The ambulance reached the Spanish Villa in Pontsarn before detouring off Meredith's farm onto the edge of the Pontsarn viaduct.
Heading down the Viaduct embankment on zimmers , like veteran- creased Tony Hawks.... they slid on down to the Blue Pool plateau doing 360's and Ollies as they went.
Stopping only to gather handfuls of the brown capped fungi of their youth, the drugged fuelled Mamas & Der Papas made their way to the Pool entrance at the other side of the Aberglais Bridge.
A bemused Portuguese taxi driver , Speedy Gonzales , actually slowed down at the narrow bridge entrance seeing the pensioner crossing sign.
He was not expecting four naked pensioners with more hanging skin than a pack of bloodhounds......nor Dee's elongated breasts dragging in the dust.
The taxi driver thought he had stumbled on a scene from out of the Living Dead.....and accelerated away up the Sanatorium Hill .
He sped faster than the time he sprinted through the Channel Tunnel when it opened chased by the first rabid dog in Britain for 20 years and it was the most frightening thing he had seen since Cherie - The Blair Witch- opened the door of 10 Downing Street after the election victory....
Pulling into to the Picnic Area below the Wall House Farm, the Taxi-Driver tried to make sense of the scenes playing out in his mind ...the obscene images burned into his memory like an the old Beta-Max video horror tape …still replaying but this time in the Blue Pool hidden below the tree-lined slopes of the River Taf Fechan.
As the four zombies slid and swallow dived into the foaming waters their ‘skinny dipping’ seemed to cleanse them of their added years , after each dive each swimmer seemed to regress 80 years and resurface at the prime of their recaptured Hitler youth.
As the LSD in the magic mushrooms took effect on their fragile minds , it became like a scene from Cocoon , as Al Zheimer forgot everything and became Johnny Weizmuller for the day.
Bette & Dee free from all inhibitions, swam like Esther Williams save that their empty mammary glands floated on the surface of the water like two punctured air bags .
Dai too became the breast stroke champion of Pontsarn but the cold water prevented him arousing muscles he had not used for 40 years .
Al Zheimer didn’t have such a problem as he floated on his back pretending he was a U-Boat Captain periscope in full view.
Dai had to put a stop to this show and tied some cord around a pebble, lassoing the German Sausage “ Shouting Depth Charge”.
“ The water is bluer than I remember….!”shrieked Dee in delight splashing wildly
Pimping down from the Road Bridge at the Gerry-atric Day ’Trippers’ , Speedy Gonzales knew the real reason.
The chemical spills from the Water Treatment works HAD turned the water BLUE and poisoned the fish and the illegal dumping of tyres by a local garage owner had turned this Area of Special & Scientific Interest into a ruddy Hell Hole.
All he could see below him in the River was Spare Tyres and Old Blue Trouts and there was also the pensioner swimming posse .
By now, the pensioners had rigged their own version of the bungee by draping Al’s braces off a gnarled old oak and took turns to leap from the moss covered limestone into the air space over the plunge pool.
As Dai bungeed off the bridge, in successive recoils he lost his teeth , his wig and finally his glass eye to the eddy swirling below the water fall.
Below on the rock ridge, a fond embrace between Allies & Axis stretched back over 80 years as the promised Love Tryst took place and the German once more invaded British Territory.
It was Dee-Day relived,….as the reunited lovers Al & Dee became entwined , just like the Aldi carrier bag caught in the current which began to wrap itself around an ancient tree root .
After 80 years of hurt Dee had had her wish…a brockwurst breakfast in the Blue Pool…
Poor Dai was experiencing his own hurt as his over exuberant bungee swing meant he had just stung his manhood on a stinging nettle and was frantically looking for a Dock Leaf and a soft landing.
Bette was laughing so much it cured her incontinence.
Free from their Warders the old fossil fools burnt up their remaining life energy in one day.
The Taxi Driver stared for twenty more minutes until he realised that Dee and Bette were in fact swimming naked and not drowning any puppies as he had first thought….. eventually , like the Duracell bunny’s rivals…. they all collapsed one by one exhausted on the river bank.
He had never seen such a happy but surreal scene….. and agreed to give the four blue pensioners a lift back to Town in return for being included in each of their respective Wills.
The look on the face of Nurse Allitt was one of ‘resident evil’ as the four blue pensioners arrived wearing only mini Speedy Gonzales sombreros covering their dignity.
Dai still had a dock leaf under his to ease the swelling.
The look on Prince Charles face was of total disbelief as he suddenly realized that his Centarian Telegram victim was amongst the arrivals.
“ Dee Mentia? ….he asked croaking through a bout of laryngitis.
“Charles ‘Asnovoice’…..
In her mind Dee could hear the strains of “She….may be the face I can’t forget!!!!”
Charles continued “ My mother wishes you all the best on your 100th Birthday….but please die soon……… cos the Government can’t afford to keep you on the NHS and us on the Civil List!!!!”
It was the last thing Dee remembered as she was lethally injected by the Royal handshake containing Polonium 210.
“ Euthanasia comes to us all….whispered Charles ….even Di had to die …..Camilla next….Heather Mills too on the waiting list….”
Looking round at the three trembling remaining pensioners….Charles laughed maniacally …..like another Prince of Wales in the White-chapel fog .
“ Four more hip donors Mr Shipman!!!!....................by Royal Appointment.
As Dana Scully peered into the thick conifer forest , she tried to rationalise the events leading up to the phone call.
The scene before her included an empty black ‘Son of Sam’s’ Taxi Cab with all doors and boot open wide. The Car keys were still in the ignition and the ‘For Hire’ sign was still illuminated.
Scully had concluded that someone had left in a hurry.
Fox Mulder had already made his mind up .
To him the answer was staring them in the face.
The empty cab, the reports of unusual sequences of flashing lights, the severed conifer branches and the huge felled pine tree blocking the sole entrance and exit to the Garw Nant layby could mean only one thing……
“ Loggers!” cried Scully suddenly.
Looking down at the discarded laptop in the back seat, Mulder replied. “ Well Scully there is DNA evidence of someone logging on in this layby but this crap circle has only possible explanation ……..alien abduction.
Scully, didn’t agree ….her examination of the cab interior found a blob of ectoplasm and a referee’s whistle on the passenger side seat.
Strange indeed….the most remarkable discovery was that of a gold chain hanging from a severed branch bearing a faded inscription….weathered and exposed to great heat and smoke.
Solicitor Ferrari Armani leaned back in his leather chair.
His latest client reminded him of the Sharon Stone character Catherine Trammell in the Basic Instinct in the way she crossed her legs .
The thought made him shudder as he remembered his former assistant ‘Jane Scampi Fries’ Davies and her own basic instink.
The brief had his own share of briefs over the years and had become accustomed to predatory women in his job as the Premier Valleys Divorce Lawyer but lately even he was becoming disturbed by the growing number of divorces.
His Ex-Files had reached stellar proportions as a growing number of Welsh women were citing that there men were being abducted by alien women.
It wasn’t the three- breasted kind from Venus …….but the two breasted kind from Vilnius and Bratislava who had flooded in to replace the Portuguese and Eastern European migrant workers from the local meat factory.
Tales of the unexpected turned to tales of complaints that their men had grown cold towards them ….brought on by ‘VWF’.
‘Vilnius white fallus’ was a disease known to affect the nether regions of Eastern European men due to long periods in the sub-zero meat factory.
Attempts by Armani to claim for the workers condition had failed to stand up in court.
The ‘knock –on’ (or knocking off ) effect was that the red-blooded Portuguese and Eastern European women became the ‘other woman’ in the Divorce Petitions.
All too common they were blaming the breakdown of the relationship on a certain pulling in place at Garw Nant as the scene of their infidelity.
Adjusting his ballpoint, Armani winced and sat forward intently fingers crossed.
“ So please tell me all the sordid details…….with diagrams if possible!!!!!”
Fox Mulder knelt by the side of the reservoir carefully scooping up another sample of ectoplasm that had dripped off the gold chain.
He could make out some of the letters….. M …OR ….but the rest of the letters were blurred ….it was no good .
The liquid slid down the glass phail like Louise Armstrong starting life.
Soon it would be in a test tube in a FBI laboratory in Washington.
Footprints leading into and away from the taxi-cab had been accompanied by various animal tracks….some canine…some part-human leading into the forest and surrounding Cwm Cadlan reservoir.
The Fox was foxed…..he was stumped…..witnesses had heard weathergirl Ulrika Johnsson announce on CB radio that the coast was clear on Dogger Bank followed by reports of unexplained flashing lights, cars arriving on mass at the various lay-bys……followed by reports of strange mooning creatures …then empty vehicles…with the only sign of life wriggling on the floor ….like celebrity come dancing.
He needed to get to the bottom of the mystery and he felt that the gold chain with the inscribed lettering was the key to the enigma.
As he entered his flexi-card into the Council work clock Mikey ‘One-Peeper’ Orwell had a wry smile on his uneven face.
Thursday Night he thought…..realising that he could see more dogging than White City at it’s prime…..he loved his job as CCT camera-man and his regular bonus of the goings on at Garw Nant meant that his minimum wage pay was compensated by his ‘win-a-lot’ on the dogs on Thursday night.
His sideline of blackmailing the local businessmen had kept him happy as he sat down to cut letters out from the Merthyr Depress for his next victim.
The Mayor passed by his camera booth busily looking for his missing ceremonial gold chain.
Ferrari Armani had done some digging , his investigation of the missing husband’s mobile phone had led him to the dilapidated Pontmorlais area of Merthyr Tydfil.
The telephone directory had given him a PO BOX registered to a disused listed building in the area…but which one there was so many…….
He was so engrossed that he failed to notice the whirr and click of the CCT camera overhead watching his every move.
His hunch led him to the old Dole Office partly ravaged by fire with water pouring out on to the once proud promenade.
During it’s 1980’s heyday the Dole Office was Merthyr’s biggest employer as Yehoudi Menuhin and other fiddlers signed on with cement and gloss-covered hands.
Today it stood empty….a Listed memory of Thatcher’s legacy.
He dialled the last recorded number on the mobile phone.
In the distance beyond the locked gates he could make out the sound of telephone ringing in tandem with the mobile.
The phone was answered by a female voice which sounded like the voice of an Angel.
The Charlotte Church sound-a-like enquired as to what service he required.
Cleaning the window-pane with his 9 carat gold embroidered handkerchief he could just make out the woman of his dreams on the other end of the mobile.
Reading from the caller display on the phone Armani asked in his best George Clooney voice “Is this East Romanian Prostitute Escort Services?”
“ Yes,….you have ERPES came the call-girl reply….pushing the top set of her false teeth out with her tongue sexily.
Repulsed Armani realised the Granny Sex Line based in the old dole office he had just connected to had his former Mother-in Law “Bubbles” sat amongst it’s recruits.
UB 40 he thought…..you be sixty if you’re a day!!!!
Feigning an excited response he stammered out a question to the toothless telephonist.
“ What’s got 52 teeth and a monster behind it?” he posed.
“ Que?” asked the gummy granny…wasting another £1.50 of call time.
“ My zip….!!!!!” He chuckled in character “ Where can I get a layby in a layby?” he quizzed the former all in wrestler with more chins than a chinese phonebook.
Without dropping her pipe , the bearded lady replied “ Try Garw Nant …what celebrity look-a-like do you want?”
Looking through the panes at the OAP sweat-shop the brief replied.
“ Tina Turner comes to mind….for some steamy windows”
******************************************************************
The Mayor looked here, the Mayor looked there but his Goldie looking Chain was missing.
Think ….where did I have it last……he checked his desk…his ermine robe…even the Chamber….no sign and he was due to meet some important Arab clients who wished to invest in Pontmorlais .
He couldn’t go to the meeting without his chain… he would feel naked…
A sudden image returned to his brain like a sudden morning after flashback.
His mouth opened with horror as he suddenly remembered where he had left it hanging.
In through the chamber door came the Faisal brothers who having seen the state of the buildings in Pontmorlais wanted to twin Merthyr with Baghdad.
Burping and farting his way through the buffet the cultural ambassador for Merthyr told his guests that we have many similar customs and third world conditions.
After sloshing down his sherry, the Chainless Mayor and the Iraqi Shiites were both well oiled!!!!!!
Forestry Commissioner Philip Mad doc Jones had seen some sights over the years in the Cwm Cadlan woods…some good…some as scary as in his Doctor Who days and more recently downright bizarre.
Tonight was to be no exception.
He sat silently as a well to do Solicitor pulled into the Garw Nant lay-by in his Silver Mercedes .
Ever since his fall from grace the former actor had left behind the stressful life of the big screen to follow his first love of nature and the wildlife that surrounded the Garw Nant visitor centre and reservoirs of Cwm Cadlan.
Many thought that the former ‘Magua’ had already ‘pined away’ but the lure of the heron, fishing and the clean ozone had preserved this former celebrity.
But lately the wildlife had been wilder than he had imagined and he had asked the Council to place CCT cameras at the entrance of the lay-bys to record footage of the Un-welcome visitors to this sacred haven.
The change of occupation had also helped avoid his ex-wife Ruth who was keen on a reconciliation and kept popping into his studio just to say “ Hi-De-Hi”.
This “ Ruth of all evil” drove him to distraction and the phrase still made his skin crawl.
He lie motionless in the carpet of pine cones as one by one the cars arrived for their dusk trysts.
The Silver Mercedes had been joined by a Black Taxi, a red BMW convertible, a Discovery Range Rover, a Pink Cadillac and more bizarrely three red ford escorts.
The Solicitor had been joined in the Mercedes by two women from one of the ford cars.
Inside the car the former actor could see two rubenseque shaped women who were Doppelgangers for Tina Turner and Native Red Indian comedienne Rosanne Barr.
In the Cadillac, Madoc could make out the shape of an Elvis look-a-like ‘rubbernecking’ and cavorting with Paris Hilton.
Inside the Range Rover sat a weird bearded man who was sat in a giant nappy reading a copy of the Financial Times.
The most sickening sight of all a Catherine Zeta Jones look-a-like was snogging passionately with an old dimpled man twice her own age.
Wriggling on his belly the former Dad’s Army U Boat Captain noticed a number of ‘Up periscopes’ on display as he reached the tree line.
“ Gott in Himmler!” he exclaimed as he realised that a number of real minor celebrities had gathered around the cars. .
Through the half-light he could just make out the shapes of Stanley Collimore, Jimmy Saville , his old pal Jim Bowen and darts announcer Tony Green.
And the Swedish woman naked bar for a shiner must be Ulrika Johnsson.
Most fearful of all was the sight of a yellow jacketed female camp hostess with luminous red lipstick
His Ex-wife was still looking to stalk him.
“ Now that’s what you call an Escort Service!” chuckled Mikey ‘One Peeper’ Orwellas the troop of look-a-like prostitutes left the red ford vehicles.
He couldn’t believe his eye as he began to witness images of celebrities over and undereach other the likes of which had not been seen since celebrity squares finished.
His ‘match of the day’ camera had caught a premiership referee being blown offside.
“ Bullseye….. ” he squealed in delight as he zoomed in on Tony Green and Jim Bowen pimping through the Mercedes at the Solicitor being straddled by a Private Dancer nearing his Nut-bush City Limits and a naked Red Indian woman in nearing his lap-top.
Looking at the Elvis figure….he trained his blackmail device squarely on this ‘You ain’tnothing but a Hound Dogger….followed by -a teddy boys picnic-“ If you go down in thewoods today…he hummed as he pressed the record button on the camera.
In all his fifty years of farming on the Gurnos, Farmer Oates had never seen a sight quite like it. One minute he was rounding up his straying sheep and the next he'd found a stray that just didn't belong.
Clinging for dear life to the rock face of the Morlais Castle was the fat, balding, Gerry Mander. Despite the Autumn mist there could be no mistaking his local representative, the Portcullis emblazoned on his vest clashing with polka dotted pink jockey shorts. Gerry never had any taste! he thought as he gazed up, some hundred feet above his head.
"Well goodness me, Gerry. What are you doing up there?"
"I'm practising my next public address at Speaker's Comer... . What the hell do you think I’m doing?"
Oates remembered then why he didn't vote for him the last time.
"My life is in ruins. I feel as if I've lost the winning lottery ticket... I'm going to jump!" "Your life's in ruins? What about us poor farmers? I'm down to my last £300,000! What with the EC quotas and the BSE crisis ...."
"But you're a sheep farmer!" Gerry interrupted. "What has BSE got to do with you?"
"They've stopped using my infected sheep in the cattle feed, that's what. But look at you, you've got the lot! Big house, good job, plenty of money. Why do you want to end it all?!"
"You'll read it all in the Merthyr Express this week! It's all down to a chance meeting with a total stranger on the Bryniau Common. Offered me Welsh Rarebit at his place. I was curious, see. I'd never had Welsh Rarebit, Caribbean style!"
Farmer Oates looked surprised and said
"A man of your education! I'm surprised you didn't use a bit of'common'." "Well, that's why I'm here, in this predicament!"
"Don't worry, I'll dash back to the farm house and get a tow rope. Soon have you down from there."
"Tow rope! Oh God! I remember. They've pinched my car! The despatch box! All my bits and pieces! Now there's real trouble."
"Losing the Dispatch Box ? Perhaps you'll lose the Whip!" "That WAS part of my bits and pieces."
"Sentimental value then?"
*****
Meanwhile, to the rear of The Gumos Tavern, a Rastaman, dreadlocks waving in the night wind, jemmied open the boot of a gold coloured Ford Granada.
"It's Christmas again," said one of his interested apprentices, peering into the boot. "Almost as much drugs as they found in Elvis, I'll bet!"
"Hush up and open the box," said the Rasta. "We could be putting a lot of bread on the table with what's in there!"
As the apprentice opened the red box, inflation took over! Looking up at the Rasta he said
"I don't know about bread, man, but can you get mutton from a blow-up sheep?"
"Hello! Merthyr Express? Farmer Oates here, speaking from Pontsam. Got an exclusive for you. Bring a photographer and the usual twenty pieces of silver to Morlais Castle Quarry. If it's a cheque, make it payable to 'Public Spirited Citizen' - I'd prefer my good works to be anonymous. Income tax, you know!"
Meanwhile, Gerry Mander wondered if finding his way on to the quarry ledge was another 'Error of Judgement'. Yesterday, he was a happy, thriving, thrusting member of the Labour Taffia. Today the world was literally at his feet but he was without car, mobile phone, pride and his dignity. Even his'R Mahoney' suits were all gone. His panic drove him to hallucinate. From his left shoulder someone said
"Go on, jump. What are you waiting for?"
He turned to see a little creature in a red suit holding a mini pitchfork. The face seemed familiar.
"I know you," said Gerry, "You're that Old Devil Horace Charles Jones, Poet Esq."
"You public servants are all the same ... two brains and no balls. Go on, make the world a better place - jump," snarled the imp.
"Why are you tormenting me?" sobbed Mander
"Well I couldn't find any other druid at this time in the morning and besides I hate ALL Public figures, especially bent ones."
"Don't listen to him!" From his right shoulder came a second voice.
"Think of your family man. Put your wife and children first. Sit down and wait for the Fire Brigade."
The voice belonged to another familiar figure, this time dressed in white. Peering, Mander could make out the face of the second voice.
"God forgive you. You're Ironmaster William Crawshay ... . I recognise you from the painting I stole from my Castle School ... surely you didn't come from Heaven?" "Cefn, actually! Short for Catholic Heaven.. and my God did forgive me ... he told me so in the 'Vatican', that well known public house on my way to Cefn." "Ignore him, mun!" interjected the Imp. "He's been on the Holy Water again. You've got life insurance haven't you ... jump and we can all enter the 'spirit' world."
Gerry's head flashed to and fro, Wimbledon style, between his two Faustly companions.
"He's right!" moaned Gerry. "I deserve to die. I've committed too many sins ... ."
"There's no such thing as too many sins. Look at me, I've got my wings!" said Crawshay, sounding rather like Father Ted.
"Hark at the Angel; sermonising from the Mount ... and that's enough verse ... I'm the Dead Poet remember," waxed Jones the Red, lyrically.
"Confess and you shall be saved my son, "Whispered the Seraph.
"Well, it started in 1997 after my landslide victory by two votes from Keir Hardie Junior Junior Junior... a small town boy arriving in Westminster. Fresh from my Cyfarthfa Gramma' School H'education I was easy prey for the Chief Rod and Black Whips!" confessed Mander. "Don't you mean the Black Rod and Chief Whips?" enquired the Cherub. He meant what he said," roared Jones in a demonic voice. "After that, I was introduced to Mandy and his Millennium Dome and my life has been a sordid existence of Kinky Sex, Drink and Niagara since," continued Mander. "You mean Viagra," queried the Imp.
"Niagara ... mine falls after the stuff. I've gone from being a chapel-going unionist son of a miner to a Red in the Bed Trouser Pocket Socialist with a libido to match my IQ." "See, you haven't changed that much then," suggested Crawshay. "Look at me. I changed when I came to Wales. I had more than my share of chambermaids, serving wenches, even the odd Pandy pit pony when I was desperate. But I was saved from eternal damnation and came back as a higher life form. There's hope for anyone."
"I've often wished to come back in a higher life form," mused Gerry.
From the quarry top came the sound of a hunting horn and hooves.
"I say old boy ... you in the polka dot shorts ... who are you talking to down there?" The Head of the Taf-Fechan Hunt peered down from his steed.
"Yoiks it's Gerry! I nearly didn't recognise you without your apron and lederhosen. Remember me? Paul from the Lodge on Tuesday nights!"
"Oh thank God ... it's a brother. Pull me up old chap, I've changed my mind .., er I'll never sleep walk again." said Gerry turning round, uncovering his face. "No can do old chap ... remember the Anti Hunting Bill you proposed ... well how can I put it ... as far as the Hunt is concerned you're well and truly foxed ... Tally Ho ... Soho.. hohoho!!!" "I'll table an amendment to exclude Vaynor!" But Gerry's voice disappeared into the lifting mist.
Soho he thought, that place had contributed to his downfall and THAT local land deal.
"What local land deal?" asked Crawshay, reading his thoughts. "Don't you read the Express?" asked Jones.
"Who does?" replied Crawshay.
"Well it was your land they sold. Ask him about him being slagged off for his measly £1.00 tip?" stirred the homed one moving his pitchfork in a circle and then into Gerry's back. Gerry winced, not with pain but with embarrassment.
"Look at him complaining about back stabbing ... that would've cost you £30.00 at your usual Club!" sneered the Devil.
Looking down Gerry could see the Firemen and Police racing past the burning Granada towards the quarry along the Cart track adjoining Gumos Farm. Screeching to a halt, out jumped an overweight Policeman who, having run some ten yards, arrived exhausted.
"Don't jump Minister. The BBC Wales cameras haven't arrived yet!!!"
"Stand back!" shouted Farmer Oates, powering his way to the front of the crowd, waving his camcorder. "If anybody's getting a tape to Mandy Dingle for the £500 it's me."
"Is there one or two "Rs" in Gerry?" shouted up the Express Reporter who was acting on (and with) a hunch. "Only we want to get the obituary column to read proper."
Gerry was oblivious to the remark. Gazing down with unseeing eyes he failed to notice the Elvis impersonator collecting for Children in Need from the gathering crowd. Nor did he see the local Fire Brigade repairing their safety nets with sticky tape. His mind drifted back to the back benches of Westminster and the Maastricht debating that had taken up so much time.
The static and the raucous tones of the 'Mouth of Merthyr' filling the quarry brought him back to reality. "Live on Valley's Radio we will hold a Jack Straw Poll to determine Mr Mander's successor. But first, we have a special DEADication from your loyal Local Labour Party ... Van Halen's'JUMP'." The sound of heavy metal music wailed into the morning sky, gently replacing the whiff of Trecatti No 9
Gerry could hardly believe his ears and eyes. Word gets around so quickly in Merthyr, he mused as he gazed at the three ice-cream and potato vans illegally parked on the Sanatorium Hill. His eyes began to fill with moisture as his life flashed before his eyes. If I die this way I'll become a Martyr he thought. Raising his right foot, he felt like Dic Penderyn ready to face his accusers. Loyalty, Trust and Party Politics meant nothing, he sighed.
Suddenly, the voice of his faithful under-secretary John Thomas boomed into the quarry from above. "Grab this R A Bush roller pole ... I'll pull you up. You may be out of the Cabinet, the closet and politics but you can always lead the Welch Assembly" cried his aide. "The Welch Assembly! You voted for that shower" cried Crawshay. "You've buggered Wales worse than I ever did. Listen to the Imp and jump NOW!!!"
Grasping the greasy pole, Mander climbed to the top, smiling as only the hopeful driver of a future gravy train does.
As he reached the rim of the quarry, he mentally saluted his rescuer. But Gerry's glee was short lived. He hadn't seen the magnificent shot played from the 13th tee of the nearby golf course. As the golfball struck the back of his head, he teetered on the brink for a second before plunging to his death on the quarry floor.
A moment's silence was replaced by a rapturous, spontaneous applause from the gathered throng below.
John Thomas tried to work out the sudden increase in volume until he realised that Gerry had landed on the Express Reporter.
As the Council Leader replaced his nine iron he knew he played a masterstroke.
"Book me a season ticket for Cardiff Bay" he said to his Director of Golf and Fairway Services.
Unnoticed by the pair, two flies left the quarry floor heading in the direction of the Vatican. Gerry had got his wish!!!
He had translated to a higher life form.!
Oh great! sighed the office clerk.
You again! she continued.
I t—t--hought this was a Job Centre PlusI thought you w-w-WERE the Plus! said Colin Nimmo as he said down in front of the woman.
The pair were the oddest couple since Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau.. only much uglier.
He looked more like a younger version of Arthur Mullard and she like a moose with a migraine.
I thought I found you a job a little over a week ago! she sniggered .
You know what you were doing putting me in the telephone c-c-call centre! said Colin accusingly.
It was Talk-Talk! she said without looking up .
I thought it would help Mr Firth! she said condescendingly.
You know my name is N-n-n-nimmonot F-f-f-f-firth.you know I can’t pronounce my f-f-f-! said Colin.
That’s easy for you to say.or not as the case may beI have loads of people in everyday looking for work employment in Merthyr is over 98% no wit’s the only growth industry.and I see loads of people every dayI can’t remember them all even the ugly ones like you! replied the jumped-up official.
F-f-f-f funny girl are you asked Colin
Well my name is Fanny Briceas my name badge reads do you read with a stutter too?
F-f-f-fanny Brice.no wonder you act like a C-c-c-*** to everyone that crosses your path! said Colin.
My name is Fannynot F-F-F-Fannyyou sound like Hannibal Lector in the silence of the lambs do you want some F-f-fava beans and nice Chianti too?
replied Miss Brice.
Besides I bet it is the first time you have ever had Fanny on the t-t-t-tip of your t-t-tongue!
Listen here you jumped up pencil pusher.I came here to get a job not be insulted! said Colin indignantly.
Actually, we don’t use pencils any more there is this thing here it is called a computer .intelligent people use it to try and find jobs for losers like you! Fanny spat back .
Look can we stop the f-f-foreplay and f-f-flirting and general f-f-fannying around and get back to you being a Civil’ Servant! asked Colin with a hint of exasperation creeping in.
Okay.now I have had my little power trip what if I start searching for some jobs which you can’t apply for anyway because you have no adequate qualifications, no appropriate work experience or have a snowball in hell’s chance of getting. ! suggested Fanny pretending to helpful.
What about Remploy then asked Colin hopefully.
The Yellow Tories closed it don’t you read the newspapers you sell it’s been all over it was a real Big Issue’. said Fanny.
Okay.I know you don’t believe me because I’m from Merthyr but I really want to workI want a proper job and not like last time where you made me call bingo at Castle Leisure.all the F-f-f- three- f-f-f-firty ---freesome of the poor grannies had died before they got to a f-f-f-full house! .
And no more f-f-fire warden jobs no more voice double for King George V in the Kings Speech.and no more mobile jobs where people are on-pay- as you -go or I’ll abduct you and drop you off in the New Forest in Moose-Hunting season you old cow! threatened Colin raising his voice.
Are you threatening me asked Fanny hand hovering over the security button.
No.I accept that you can stop my benefit if I do not take a job offered to me it is your power trip.and I have no option but to kow-tow to you and your little Red Book you petty Mandarin! replied Colin.
Good as long as you know your place.would you like a chocolate biscuit and a cup of tea she said totally out of character.
Perhaps, agreeing with a public official was a better line than before the old smile at the woman who served him chips approach- would pay dividends.
As he reached across the desk he felt the sting of a ruler smack the back of his hand.
No p-p-pick up a p-p-penguin for you Dole-y! snapped Fanny back on work mode.
Colin felt like punching her in her huge Elken-face but knew the security button would be pressed by the evil creature and he and his family would starve again for months.
So why were you sacked from Talk-Talk Talk Talk asked Fanny.
Did they not like your Double Talk she continued baiting her powerless customer like a cat playing with a trapped mouse.
R-r-racism they objected when I started saying but-but to the clients- I could help itmy stutter is completely involuntary when I get nervous or when I am faced with a beautiful woman it gets worse.I seem to be okay when I talk to you Gnu Faces don’t seem to affect it much! said Colin returning fire.
Do you consider yourself disabled?.having an upside down turkey wattle for a jowl like you tends to put people off that’s way I suggested a job suitable for you is one where you can’t be seen! said Fanny.
How about becoming an assistant rapper there is a job here as a roadie said Fanny pretending to check the screen.
What’s the jokeI suppose I am the next Eminemenenem is it asked Colin.
I was thinking more like MC Stammer.’ said Fanny moving her lips in a weird way.
Good one! said Colin grabbing the computer and spinning it round.
There isn’t any job menu here! he said looking at screen
’Can’t touch this ! said Fanny in Gurnos Ghetto speak-mode pulling it back in doing so expertly covering the security button with her sagging blacksmith’s thumb nipple.
So what that there are no real jobs to offer you in Merthyr they COULD be one coming in at any moment but let’s be realistic you take longer than Paris Hilton to finish a sentence! said Fanny.
As she did so the e-mail beeped on her machine.
Perhaps you are in luck after all. Perhaps there is a job in Galen pharmacy doing REPEAT Prescriptions! she teased.
Colin just sat back and took the abuse until all of a sudden his demeanour changed.
Why the LONG face Moosey got a GNU DEAL for me asked Colin sensing he had the upper hand.
I don’t believe it that e-mail ..it was my boss at Central Office sacking ME! said Fanny
It says here someone has complained about MY behaviour and that I am with immediate effect to switch sides of the desk and sign on! said Fanny still in shock.
If I’m honest said Colin.I don’t need a job I’ve already got one.two now- yours as well I became a Mystery Shopperand you were the one I shopped first!
That’s the trouble with p-p-people like you- the job gets to you in the long run seeing desperate people in desperate situations you become heartless and you take it out on the poor people that you have failed in lifeno man..no children..the only Fanny too ugly for a jump returned unopened or to put it my in- Nimmo-table way..
..........NO STAMMER-INA!
As he sat at his desk at Swan Street Police station, Constable Peter 'Wolf' Blass's attention was drawn to a light which was moving about mysteriously from the first floor of the disused Swan public house.
" What do you make of that shaft of light?" asked the Policeman to his loyal partner in crime, Isaac Haynes.
" That pub has been shut for three years now...I think we better investigate!"
Like all good cop buddies they never went anywhere unless they were together.
Their combined 60 years service with the South Wales Constabulary, meant that they were on 'light duties' after a terrible car crash in his dog patrol car had left PC 'Wolf' Blass with shattered knees and a guilty conscious, after his dog 'Sniffer' had gone to Doggie Heaven, on account of his swerving to avoid a Cat in Lupin Close.
'The Cat' was in fact a local Gurnos burglar , who was the pair's last recorded arrest, with Sniffer bravely hanging onto the Cat, by his teeth until help arrived.
Isaac Haynes felt that he had been 'shafted' by being paired with Wolf Blass, as he was hoping for an easy last six months, till he got his Police pension.
Boy did he regret losing the keys to the entire Panda Car collection in the Police Compound that night , nothing could move for a whole week , and the boys in blue had to borrow a Police Horse to get around.
They never forgave him at the station, as the Chief Superintendent had used the situation to promote a campaign called 'Heartbeat' , a return to 1960's style on the beat policing , which had ever overweight copper on his case, till he found them at the Briggs Arcade 'Heel Bar' where he had dropped them.
The pair received mercilessly ribbing from the lads, becoming known by the PC incorrect name of 'Car Keys and Crutch'
" Oh it is only a ghost ....said Haynes...the Swan is well known to be haunted... it is one of the oldest pubs in Merthyr!"
" Light Duties ...we were assigned to by the Super...and that was a light!" ordered Wolf Blass with two days superiority over his partner.
" All right!...moaned Haynes...grabbing his Columbo style Gannex....but it is Halloween....that's when ghosts are supposed to walk abroad!"
As the two intrepid investigators passed the blue lamped entrance they headed for the front door of the Pub.
Yvette Fielding and Derek Acorah sat silently in the main bar area of the disused pub...spirits surrounding their every move.
The web cameras whirred and clicked , as their investigations for 'Most Haunted Live 'were beamed live to the Nation, via the wonder of the internet.
In hushed tones, Yvette whispered to Derek " I think I can hear knocking....is it the spirits trying to make contact?"
" Open the bloody door....!" shouted 'Wolf' Blass ...pounding the pub door with his fist... this is the Police!"
" It's times like this when I miss Sniffer....! sighed Wolf Blass, looking at the open aperture at the top of the front window...he would have had them pinned in no time!".
As the door creaked open, the Producer, Karl , stuck his head around the crack in the door , only to receive a receive a size nine boot for his efforts.
" When I say open the door mate....I MEAN OPEN the door!" declared 'Wolf' Blass stepping over the prone figure of the producer and into the pub bar.
"Officer down ....he laughed....your kneecap...has gone again...!" pointed out Haynes as his partner crumpled to the floor .
" It is better...if you remember to let ME do that next time !" declared Haynes twisting his partners leg back into a forward facing direction.
" Allo Allo Allo, what's all this then?!" enquired Haynes looking at the circle of three people holding hands around a wooden bar table.
" Is this one of them swingers parties ....I've read it about in the Police Gazette?" enquired Wolf.
" If you must know I'm a medium!" announced Derek Acorah looking up from the table .
" Well I' m extra large!" declared Haynes lifting his Police issue trousers up to his size 50 waist.
" Do you mind...you are interrupting his concentration...!" declared a stranger stepping out of the shadows , causing both Constables to jump in unison.
" You are interrupting an important scientific experiment, to prove that there is in fact life after death...Mr Acorah here, is not only attempting to communicate with the dead but is hoping to be the only man ever to 'cross over to the side and return' since our Lord did it 2000 years ago.!"
" What about Bobby Ewing in Dallas....?" asked the ever alert Haynsey suspiciously.
" Aren't you Doug Collar....the Running Reverand....former Policeman? Interrupted Wolf Blass running through his photo-fit image in his mind.... " I never forget a face or a sermon!"
" Correct....we are here with the team of Most Haunted Live ...and you are live on Living TV so please do not swear!" continued the Minister.
" So what exactly are you doing in a disused pub at 11.30pm ....do you have a Spirit Licence?" asked Haynes ever the copper.
" We Exorcise!" interjected Yvette Fielding from the table circle.
" Never do it myself!" was the proud boast reply.
" Are those bar prices of £1.25 a shot of whisky still valid?" enquired the prostrate Wolf..." Only I gotta a bad knee see- medicinal like!"
" I thought it was a trick of the light.... announced Haynsey...an optic illusion!" he chuckled at his own joke, pressing up the glass in quick succession and placing his partner's whisky shot on the bar.
As he left £2.50 on the till register, he turned just in time to see the whisky glass move through the air and into the hand of his downed partner .
" Now that's what I call service!" he declared knocking the shot straight down.
" It appears , we are in the company of spirits !" declared Fielding..." Perhaps you gentlemen would help us in our little experiment...it might be handy having independent corroboration!"
As Wolf Blass staggered to the table, the three became five as the circle transformed into a pentagram.
Acorah sat at the Head of the table facing North, Fielding sat next to him together with local priest William Peter Blatty and the two policemen making up the séance party.
" Can you all join hands and be silent ...I will try and make contact with the spirit through my spirit guide...Magua!" announced Acorah dramatically.
" He's from Galon Uchaf isn't he...!" announced Photofit Blass.
" We share a bond!" declared Acorah.
" He's from Galon Uchaf too...!" continued the copper remembering his regular Saturday night charge sheet.
" Sssh...he needs to concentrate....!" snapped Blatty.
" Will you look at that ....!" said an amazed Haynsey....
Emerging from the centre of the ouija board , was a billow of mist and a shining object appeared above the bar table.
" I can see a crystal ball shining...!"announced Haynsey mouth agape
" That's not a ball !" announced the summoned spirit angrily...that's my bald head!....and what's more I tore my hair out working with you pair of clowns!"
" I know that voice....!"said Wolf with some trepidation at the vision before him who seemed to be looking through some kind of round window.
" Your....Inspector Dai Porthole...aren't you...the most feared but respected policeman ever to serve in Merthyr?" continued Wolf nervously.
" I thought I recognised the shining....what do you want with us?" asked Wolf concerned look on his face.
" Well...your drinking on duty for a start...replied the spirit...and you both haven't bulled your boots today.....!" boomed the spirit....but as usual I have come to help you out and save your bacon!"
" Exactly what do you mean....?" asked Haynsey....as I feel that there is going to be a price on this offer of help!"
" I want to help you solve the last of your unsolved cases on your desk before you leave the force, in exchange for one little favour!" offered the phantom.
"Agreed?" said the spirit menacingly.
" Agreed!" stuttered Wolf Blass and Haynesy as one.
" Agreed....SIIIIR...ranking officer on parade!" continued the phantom menace.
" Agreed Siiiir ..!" .said the pair sitting to attention and saluting the dead Chief Inspector.
" Good ...I'll be in touch....other spirits want to come through!" declared Porthole.
As the vision disappeared , Wolf Blass regained his composure and quipped to his partner.
"We'll have to call him Dai Portal-hole now!"
" I heard that !" came the voice from the ether.
Derek Acorah suddenly went into a trance and the glass on the ouija board began to spin wildly.
The gathered gang of five noticed that the glass began to spell out a word....M....Y..
" My...!" offered Haynsey.
...F...A...N..W...Y
" Fanny.... " continued the Policeman...." My Fanny what?"
" MYFANWY....!" declared Acorah , as he suddenly took on the face of the long dead composer Joseph Parry complete with white moustache and grey suit.
" What do you want with us ?" asked Fielding to the new incarnation.
" Those bloody benches...the spirit moaned...with my name on it...outside Nationwide...the ones with the bloody red lights on...I didn't spend weeks composing my songs to have the lyrics stuck up some hooded chavs arse...Dewi Argloed ....!" wailed the spirit.
" If you don't like that you, won't like the run-down 1960's Maisonette they named after you in Caedraw!" offered Wolf Blass
" We have a Doctor Who Court ?" asked Haynsey
" No ....that's not William Hartnell...it's Joseph Parry....the musician....you fool!" laughed Wolf Blass.
" So what's he doing now...if he is dead...is he DE- Composing!" chuckled Haynsey getting into the 'spirit' of the party.
A ghost baton made of ectoplasm suddenly cracked Haynsey on the head before departing.
Acorah's face began to change once more this time into a woman's face.
"Look !" declared Haynsey at the medium chameleon.
The table started to lift mysteriously , on the side of Wolf Blass without any apparent force.
" That's Loretta Swit...Hot Lips herself from MASH ...didn't you have a crush on her once Wolfie!"
" How do you think the table is lifting?" offered a red- face Peter embarrassed by the appearance of his Policeman's Helmet .
" I thought I'd seen the last of 'Blue Peter' !" declared Yvette fielding off some ectoplasm.
The face changed again, to that of the famous medium, Helen Duncan who was known as the Blitz Witch.
The atmosphere changed from one of mirth to one of fear.
" You police...you locked me up under the Witchcraft Act....accused me of being in league with Lucifer...and all because I predicted the sinking of HMS.(Classified)........during the Second World War.....you police...are always getting the wrong guy.....WINSTON SILCOTT, BARRY GEORGE, COLIN STAGG, and my little friend here TIMOTHY EVANS from Merthyr Vale...he wants me to curse you all....!" the spectre fired a blue spark of electric light from her fingertips towards Wolf Blass, but fortunately his disability helped him , as his sudden movement on his dodgy knee and shifting weight shattered the rickety bar chair on which he sat .
The bolt missed him, but rebounded off the pub mirror and struck the head of Priest William Peter Blatty turning his hair whiter than his own dog- collar.
As the Blitz Witch disappeared into the writhing body of Acorah there was a mass sigh of relief.
" Can you smell that Evil?" asked Yvette.
" No that's just Wolfy....declared Haynsey...I've spent many a rugby trip in Ireland with him to know when he's dropped one!"
" Sorry about that....!"offered the reappearing spirit of Inspector Porthole.
" Like you boys in the constabulary, we go round in pairs up here....I tried not to let that Witch through , but she has a way with us Navy types!"
" Anyway, you wanted me to help you clear up some unsolved local crime?" asked the Inspector....." I am always happy to help the police with their enquiries"
Looking down at his Police Note pad...Haynsey put on his best Witness Box Voice and started to read out.....
Unfortunately, by the time he had got to the right page, the medium had transformed into another spirit.
" Where am I....?" declared the one- eyed sailor looking around furtively for cannonballs.
" One minute I am kissing Hardy on the ass on the deck of the Victory ...the next I am strapped to a hairy Welshman ........where am I?" announced Lord Horatio Nelson
" In the Swan ....Merthyr Tydfil....South Wales....!" offered Yvette calmly.
" Merthyr Tydfil.... I stayed there after Trafalgar, down by the Lucy Thomas Fountain......they even named a pub after me in Pontmorlais....where's it gone?" demanded the apparition.
" Closed.....said Wolf Blass.....along with most pubs in Merthyr Tydfil....like the Crystal Palace, The Talbot, the Rose N Crown, The Gurnos Tavern, Matchstick Man, Gwynnes Arms, The Lamb, the Beehive, Castle Vaults, The Wheatsheaf , the Kings Arms, the Western, The Eagle , the Tydfil Arms......."
As the pub names were called , Haynsey sobbed like a mourner at a funeral at the passing of each boozer.
"You know why all those pubs closed.......none of them sold that wonderful Rhymney Brewery Bevan 's Bitter....now that's what you call 'Real ale'....pass me my Police CAMRA!" declared Wolf Blass...splashing his pint down on the table in doing so showering the spirit.
" That's one in the eye for me...must go... my support act wants a word!" declared Lord Nelson
" Hello Boyos...it's me Ray Gravell....what's happened to my beloved Parc Y Stradey .....they knocked it down and built a new stadium....how will they fill that ...I'm Scarlet with rage....they promised me they would name a stand after me....and they only named one entrance in my honour...imagine calling it the 'Gravell Path indeed'.....I'm hopping mad...!"
As the face disappeared , all the talk of old Merthyr Pubs had made the Running Reverand sentimental...."What about the most famous one pub of all...the one on Glebeland Street.....named after our once great heritage of railways in Merthyr .... The Narrow Gauge...... !" sighed the Holy Man
" I thought that was named after the number of shotgun weddings we had in the town!" proffered Wolf Blass.
" That boys.....was the best run pub in Merthyr Tydfil !" continued the Rev
" When I was a copper I did enjoy drinking its fine ales.!"
" As it was a pub known to police its own , popular with the Labour Party and the LVA , the landlord and landlady Dick & Peggy were given carte blanche to operate ....in the days of strict opening hours....they were given advance warning of police raids....many a time me and the other boys in blue hid on the floor behind the bar covered in coats ..... !"
"I too did some of my best undercover work there!" sighed Haynsey
" I heard that!" ....said Dai Porthole re-emerging on the face of the Medium
" He is being re-possessed!....there's a lot of that about in Merthyr" declared Wolf Blass.
" Now .....a Police Order is a Police Order....and I'm here to help you clear up those unsolved Merthyr crimes...but remember the ether is like a shortwave radio and there is a bit of a wavy signal....if you imagine the crystal ball as being a primitive search engine...trying to connect to the spiritual internet....we are not broadband but dial up and there is a lot of spam...besides the rules of 'the other side' prohibit me giving straight answers...a bit like a politician on Question time....or Haynsey in the Witness box....okay!"
" Firstly, ...oldest murder on Merthyr books.... local Brecon girl murdered near the Parish Church, Lower High Street on her way back home from Tanglwst Aberfan ....one.....Tydfil Brychan...any leads?" asked Haynsey.
" Irish....pair of brutes ....BOBO & MAGWAR.... Pict on her... long since dead...close case!" replied the Spectre.
" Fight in old Tesco store in early 1980's...who was involved?" asked Wolf Blass.
"Ouiji bored....Corned Beef wars...double cross....'Princes' of the aisles...tins of soup...blood stained all- weather tee-shirt?" blurted the spirit.
" Who was the Gwernllwyn Close flasher... who stuck his old boy through the letter boxes?" continued Haynsey.
" Dowlais.....guess who's coming...foreskin still in door...tip off....try ARTHUR COX. Penydarren!" wailed the banshee.
" Abercanaid. 2008 ...body of de-selected Local Party candidate...found...shot, drowned and stabbed five times in the back.... marked suicide on Police records... asked Wolf Blass.
" I'm Labour in to answer that one!" was the spectral reply.
" Tiny body found in Gurnos buried near front door...any concrete ideas who it is...?" quizzed Haynesy
" Step-son" was the cryptic reply.
" How much did the Council lose on the Quo concert....£200,000.00K? asked Wolf Blass.
" Down, down deeper and down....!" was the rocking reply.
"Lynette White Inquiry ...?" asked Haynsey.
"Hooker...Scrum Half...touchdown...ruck...balls up...no result" said the voice from the ether .
" Who stole our Isambard Kingdom Brunel Railway Station ?" said Wolfie
" Great Train robbery....see Ronnie Biggs at the Welsh Office!" was the reply.
" How do Merthyr Football Club can get a crowd of Four Thousand for the Walsall game and 221 average British Gas Premier game?" quizzed Haynsey.
" That's one crime ...I can't solve!" replied the sprite.
" Thanks Dai...our enquiries are complete!" said Wolf Blass.
" Now to you completing your part of the bargain!" declared the spirit.
" Well if you want our souls ...we sold them years ago to the God Bacchus !" laughed Wolf Blass.
" And if George Best wants either of his livers back, he'll have to fight us both for them .....snapped Haynsey losing his fear of the Inn spectre.
" I want you to arrest the medium....Derek Acorah!" ordered the deceased Copper.
" On what grounds...? asked Fielding shocked.
" Being the worst actor since Ben Affleck in Pearl Harbour.... Impersonating a policeman....being over the spirit limit...(and nodding at the white haired clergyman.).... and a bleach of the priest.!"
Acorah suddenly broke from the trance and legged it passed the two Coppers and up the stairs to the first floor before they could move.
As the Grandfather Clock struck 12 midnight ' The Witching Hour' brought the remaining hair on Wolf Blass neck and back to attention.
A blood- curdling scream came from the medium, as the Most Haunted crew and the two policeman made their way to the first floor.
Pushing Wolf Blass in front of him...Haynsey opened the door to the guest room to find it was completely empty save for one leather brogue- style shoe which sat in the exact centre surrounded by a chalk pentagram.
The Most Haunted Live Team were worried about the disappearance of Acorah but excited about the prospect that Acorah had finally crossed over.
" Check his shoe for his message!" demanded the Producer eagerly expecting great viewing figures.
" Are there any words inside?" asked a nervous Fielding.
" Just one....!" said Wolf Blass dejectedly realising he had lost his last chance of a 'collar'
" Tuf!" came his reply.
