Oh great! sighed the office clerk.

You again! she continued.

I t—t--hought this was a Job Centre PlusI thought you w-w-WERE the Plus! said Colin Nimmo as he said down in front of the woman.

The pair were the oddest couple since Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau.. only much uglier.

He looked more like a younger version of Arthur Mullard and she like a moose with a migraine.

I thought I found you a job a little over a week ago! she sniggered .

You know what you were doing putting me in the telephone c-c-call centre! said Colin accusingly.

It was Talk-Talk! she said without looking up .

I thought it would help Mr Firth! she said condescendingly.

You know my name is N-n-n-nimmonot F-f-f-f-firth.you know I can’t pronounce my f-f-f-! said Colin.

That’s easy for you to say.or not as the case may beI have loads of people in everyday looking for work employment in Merthyr is over 98% no wit’s the only growth industry.and I see loads of people every dayI can’t remember them all even the ugly ones like you! replied the jumped-up official.

F-f-f-f funny girl are you asked Colin

Well my name is Fanny Briceas my name badge reads do you read with a stutter too?

F-f-f-fanny Brice.no wonder you act like a C-c-c-*** to everyone that crosses your path! said Colin.

My name is Fannynot F-F-F-Fannyyou sound like Hannibal Lector in the silence of the lambs do you want some F-f-fava beans and nice Chianti too?

replied Miss Brice.

Besides I bet it is the first time you have ever had Fanny on the t-t-t-tip of your t-t-tongue!

Listen here you jumped up pencil pusher.I came here to get a job not be insulted! said Colin indignantly.

Actually, we don’t use pencils any more there is this thing here it is called a computer .intelligent people use it to try and find jobs for losers like you! Fanny spat back .

Look can we stop the f-f-foreplay and f-f-flirting and general f-f-fannying around and get back to you being a Civil’ Servant! asked Colin with a hint of exasperation creeping in.

Okay.now I have had my little power trip what if I start searching for some jobs which you can’t apply for anyway because you have no adequate qualifications, no appropriate work experience or have a snowball in hell’s chance of getting. ! suggested Fanny pretending to helpful.

What about Remploy then asked Colin hopefully.

The Yellow Tories closed it don’t you read the newspapers you sell it’s been all over it was a real Big Issue’. said Fanny.

Okay.I know you don’t believe me because I’m from Merthyr but I really want to workI want a proper job and not like last time where you made me call bingo at Castle Leisure.all the F-f-f- three- f-f-f-firty ---freesome of the poor grannies had died before they got to a f-f-f-full house! .

And no more f-f-fire warden jobs no more voice double for King George V in the Kings Speech.and no more mobile jobs where people are on-pay- as you -go or I’ll abduct you and drop you off in the New Forest in Moose-Hunting season you old cow! threatened Colin raising his voice.

Are you threatening me asked Fanny hand hovering over the security button.

No.I accept that you can stop my benefit if I do not take a job offered to me it is your power trip.and I have no option but to kow-tow to you and your little Red Book you petty Mandarin! replied Colin.

Good as long as you know your place.would you like a chocolate biscuit and a cup of tea she said totally out of character.

Perhaps, agreeing with a public official was a better line than before the old smile at the woman who served him chips approach- would pay dividends.

As he reached across the desk he felt the sting of a ruler smack the back of his hand.

No p-p-pick up a p-p-penguin for you Dole-y! snapped Fanny back on work mode.

Colin felt like punching her in her huge Elken-face but knew the security button would be pressed by the evil creature and he and his family would starve again for months.

So why were you sacked from Talk-Talk Talk Talk asked Fanny.

Did they not like your Double Talk she continued baiting her powerless customer like a cat playing with a trapped mouse.

R-r-racism they objected when I started saying but-but to the clients- I could help itmy stutter is completely involuntary when I get nervous or when I am faced with a beautiful woman it gets worse.I seem to be okay when I talk to you Gnu Faces don’t seem to affect it much! said Colin returning fire.

Do you consider yourself disabled?.having an upside down turkey wattle for a jowl like you tends to put people off that’s way I suggested a job suitable for you is one where you can’t be seen! said Fanny.

How about becoming an assistant rapper there is a job here as a roadie said Fanny pretending to check the screen.

What’s the jokeI suppose I am the next Eminemenenem is it asked Colin.

I was thinking more like MC Stammer.’ said Fanny moving her lips in a weird way.

Good one! said Colin grabbing the computer and spinning it round.

There isn’t any job menu here! he said looking at screen

’Can’t touch this ! said Fanny in Gurnos Ghetto speak-mode pulling it back in doing so expertly covering the security button with her sagging blacksmith’s thumb nipple.

So what that there are no real jobs to offer you in Merthyr they COULD be one coming in at any moment but let’s be realistic you take longer than Paris Hilton to finish a sentence! said Fanny.

As she did so the e-mail beeped on her machine.

Perhaps you are in luck after all. Perhaps there is a job in Galen pharmacy doing REPEAT Prescriptions! she teased.

Colin just sat back and took the abuse until all of a sudden his demeanour changed.

Why the LONG face Moosey got a GNU DEAL for me asked Colin sensing he had the upper hand.

I don’t believe it that e-mail ..it was my boss at Central Office sacking ME! said Fanny

It says here someone has complained about MY behaviour and that I am with immediate effect to switch sides of the desk and sign on! said Fanny still in shock.

If I’m honest said Colin.I don’t need a job I’ve already got one.two now- yours as well I became a Mystery Shopperand you were the one I shopped first!

That’s the trouble with p-p-people like you- the job gets to you in the long run seeing desperate people in desperate situations you become heartless and you take it out on the poor people that you have failed in lifeno man..no children..the only Fanny too ugly for a jump returned unopened or to put it my in- Nimmo-table way..

..........NO STAMMER-INA!