Philip evans


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The Ex Files- Short story - please provide your feedback

user image 2014-02-21
By: Philip evans
Posted in: Humor

As Dana Scully peered into the thick conifer forest , she tried to rationalise the events leading up to the phone call.

The scene before her included an empty black ‘Son of Sam’s’ Taxi Cab with all doors and boot open wide. The Car keys were still in the ignition and the ‘For Hire’ sign was still illuminated.

Scully had concluded that someone had left in a hurry.

Fox Mulder had already made his mind up .

To him the answer was staring them in the face.

The empty cab, the reports of unusual sequences of flashing lights, the severed conifer branches and the huge felled pine tree blocking the sole entrance and exit to the Garw Nant layby could mean only one thing……

“ Loggers!” cried Scully suddenly.

Looking down at the discarded laptop in the back seat, Mulder replied. “ Well Scully there is DNA evidence of someone logging on in this layby but this crap circle has only possible explanation ……..alien abduction.

Scully, didn’t agree ….her examination of the cab interior found a blob of ectoplasm and a referee’s whistle on the passenger side seat.

Strange indeed….the most remarkable discovery was that of a gold chain hanging from a severed branch bearing a faded inscription….weathered and exposed to great heat and smoke.

Solicitor Ferrari Armani leaned back in his leather chair.

His latest client reminded him of the Sharon Stone character Catherine Trammell in the Basic Instinct in the way she crossed her legs .

The thought made him shudder as he remembered his former assistant ‘Jane Scampi Fries’ Davies and her own basic instink.

The brief had his own share of briefs over the years and had become accustomed to predatory women in his job as the Premier Valleys Divorce Lawyer but lately even he was becoming disturbed by the growing number of divorces.

His Ex-Files had reached stellar proportions as a growing number of Welsh women were citing that there men were being abducted by alien women.

It wasn’t the three- breasted kind from Venus …….but the two breasted kind from Vilnius and Bratislava who had flooded in to replace the Portuguese and Eastern European migrant workers from the local meat factory.

Tales of the unexpected turned to tales of complaints that their men had grown cold towards them ….brought on by ‘VWF’.

‘Vilnius white fallus’ was a disease known to affect the nether regions of Eastern European men due to long periods in the sub-zero meat factory.

Attempts by Armani to claim for the workers condition had failed to stand up in court.

The ‘knock –on’ (or knocking off ) effect was that the red-blooded Portuguese and Eastern European women became the ‘other woman’ in the Divorce Petitions.

All too common they were blaming the breakdown of the relationship on a certain pulling in place at Garw Nant as the scene of their infidelity.

Adjusting his ballpoint, Armani winced and sat forward intently fingers crossed.

“ So please tell me all the sordid details…….with diagrams if possible!!!!!”

Fox Mulder knelt by the side of the reservoir carefully scooping up another sample of ectoplasm that had dripped off the gold chain.

He could make out some of the letters….. M …OR ….but the rest of the letters were blurred ….it was no good .

The liquid slid down the glass phail like Louise Armstrong starting life.

Soon it would be in a test tube in a FBI laboratory in Washington.

Footprints leading into and away from the taxi-cab had been accompanied by various animal tracks….some canine…some part-human leading into the forest and surrounding Cwm Cadlan reservoir.

The Fox was foxed…..he was stumped…..witnesses had heard weathergirl Ulrika Johnsson announce on CB radio that the coast was clear on Dogger Bank followed by reports of unexplained flashing lights, cars arriving on mass at the various lay-bys……followed by reports of strange mooning creatures …then empty vehicles…with the only sign of life wriggling on the floor ….like celebrity come dancing.

He needed to get to the bottom of the mystery and he felt that the gold chain with the inscribed lettering was the key to the enigma.

As he entered his flexi-card into the Council work clock Mikey ‘One-Peeper’ Orwell had a wry smile on his uneven face.

Thursday Night he thought…..realising that he could see more dogging than White City at it’s prime…..he loved his job as CCT camera-man and his regular bonus of the goings on at Garw Nant meant that his minimum wage pay was compensated by his ‘win-a-lot’ on the dogs on Thursday night.

His sideline of blackmailing the local businessmen had kept him happy as he sat down to cut letters out from the Merthyr Depress for his next victim.

The Mayor passed by his camera booth busily looking for his missing ceremonial gold chain.

Ferrari Armani had done some digging , his investigation of the missing husband’s mobile phone had led him to the dilapidated Pontmorlais area of Merthyr Tydfil.

The telephone directory had given him a PO BOX registered to a disused listed building in the area…but which one there was so many…….

He was so engrossed that he failed to notice the whirr and click of the CCT camera overhead watching his every move.

His hunch led him to the old Dole Office partly ravaged by fire with water pouring out on to the once proud promenade.

During it’s 1980’s heyday the Dole Office was Merthyr’s biggest employer as Yehoudi Menuhin and other fiddlers signed on with cement and gloss-covered hands.

Today it stood empty….a Listed memory of Thatcher’s legacy.

He dialled the last recorded number on the mobile phone.

In the distance beyond the locked gates he could make out the sound of telephone ringing in tandem with the mobile.

The phone was answered by a female voice which sounded like the voice of an Angel.

The Charlotte Church sound-a-like enquired as to what service he required.

Cleaning the window-pane with his 9 carat gold embroidered handkerchief he could just make out the woman of his dreams on the other end of the mobile.

Reading from the caller display on the phone Armani asked in his best George Clooney voice “Is this East Romanian Prostitute Escort Services?”

“ Yes,….you have ERPES came the call-girl reply….pushing the top set of her false teeth out with her tongue sexily.

Repulsed Armani realised the Granny Sex Line based in the old dole office he had just connected to had his former Mother-in Law “Bubbles” sat amongst it’s recruits.

UB 40 he thought… be sixty if you’re a day!!!!

Feigning an excited response he stammered out a question to the toothless telephonist.

“ What’s got 52 teeth and a monster behind it?” he posed.

“ Que?” asked the gummy granny…wasting another £1.50 of call time.

“ My zip….!!!!!” He chuckled in character “ Where can I get a layby in a layby?” he quizzed the former all in wrestler with more chins than a chinese phonebook.

Without dropping her pipe , the bearded lady replied “ Try Garw Nant …what celebrity look-a-like do you want?”

Looking through the panes at the OAP sweat-shop the brief replied.

“ Tina Turner comes to mind….for some steamy windows”


The Mayor looked here, the Mayor looked there but his Goldie looking Chain was missing.

Think ….where did I have it last……he checked his desk…his ermine robe…even the Chamber….no sign and he was due to meet some important Arab clients who wished to invest in Pontmorlais .

He couldn’t go to the meeting without his chain… he would feel naked…

A sudden image returned to his brain like a sudden morning after flashback.

His mouth opened with horror as he suddenly remembered where he had left it hanging.

In through the chamber door came the Faisal brothers who having seen the state of the buildings in Pontmorlais wanted to twin Merthyr with Baghdad.

Burping and farting his way through the buffet the cultural ambassador for Merthyr told his guests that we have many similar customs and third world conditions.

After sloshing down his sherry, the Chainless Mayor and the Iraqi Shiites were both well oiled!!!!!!

Forestry Commissioner Philip Mad doc Jones had seen some sights over the years in the Cwm Cadlan woods…some good…some as scary as in his Doctor Who days and more recently downright bizarre.

Tonight was to be no exception.

He sat silently as a well to do Solicitor pulled into the Garw Nant lay-by in his Silver Mercedes .

Ever since his fall from grace the former actor had left behind the stressful life of the big screen to follow his first love of nature and the wildlife that surrounded the Garw Nant visitor centre and reservoirs of Cwm Cadlan.

Many thought that the former ‘Magua’ had already ‘pined away’ but the lure of the heron, fishing and the clean ozone had preserved this former celebrity.

But lately the wildlife had been wilder than he had imagined and he had asked the Council to place CCT cameras at the entrance of the lay-bys to record footage of the Un-welcome visitors to this sacred haven.

The change of occupation had also helped avoid his ex-wife Ruth who was keen on a reconciliation and kept popping into his studio just to say “ Hi-De-Hi”.

This “ Ruth of all evil” drove him to distraction and the phrase still made his skin crawl.

He lie motionless in the carpet of pine cones as one by one the cars arrived for their dusk trysts.

The Silver Mercedes had been joined by a Black Taxi, a red BMW convertible, a Discovery Range Rover, a Pink Cadillac and more bizarrely three red ford escorts.

The Solicitor had been joined in the Mercedes by two women from one of the ford cars.

Inside the car the former actor could see two rubenseque shaped women who were Doppelgangers for Tina Turner and Native Red Indian comedienne Rosanne Barr.

In the Cadillac, Madoc could make out the shape of an Elvis look-a-like ‘rubbernecking’ and cavorting with Paris Hilton.

Inside the Range Rover sat a weird bearded man who was sat in a giant nappy reading a copy of the Financial Times.

The most sickening sight of all a Catherine Zeta Jones look-a-like was snogging passionately with an old dimpled man twice her own age.

Wriggling on his belly the former Dad’s Army U Boat Captain noticed a number of ‘Up periscopes’ on display as he reached the tree line.

“ Gott in Himmler!” he exclaimed as he realised that a number of real minor celebrities had gathered around the cars. .

Through the half-light he could just make out the shapes of Stanley Collimore, Jimmy Saville , his old pal Jim Bowen and darts announcer Tony Green.

And the Swedish woman naked bar for a shiner must be Ulrika Johnsson.

Most fearful of all was the sight of a yellow jacketed female camp hostess with luminous red lipstick

His Ex-wife was still looking to stalk him.

“ Now that’s what you call an Escort Service!” chuckled Mikey ‘One Peeper’ Orwellas the troop of look-a-like prostitutes left the red ford vehicles.

He couldn’t believe his eye as he began to witness images of celebrities over and undereach other the likes of which had not been seen since celebrity squares finished.

His ‘match of the day’ camera had caught a premiership referee being blown offside.

“ Bullseye….. ” he squealed in delight as he zoomed in on Tony Green and Jim Bowen pimping through the Mercedes at the Solicitor being straddled by a Private Dancer nearing his Nut-bush City Limits and a naked Red Indian woman in nearing his lap-top.

Looking at the Elvis figure….he trained his blackmail device squarely on this ‘You ain’tnothing but a Hound Dogger….followed by -a teddy boys picnic-“ If you go down in thewoods today…he hummed as he pressed the record button on the camera.