"I dont care what the ultrasound picture shows there is definitely more than one up there!" said the newly qualified Doctor. Jamie Roberts lowered his Davy Helmet so that the light didn't blind the expectant father , his Royal Highness the future Prince of Wales.
"Look I dont tell you how to fly that RAF Valley helicopter now do I ?" reasoned the former Cardiff medic. From inside the womb the twin babies continued their foetal conversation.
"Look I am not going out first into the land of the giants. Have you seen the size on that Doctors head?" said the male heir.
"Why should I go first?" asked the female twin.
"Well everybody knows its Ladies first when it comes to the aristocracy!" replied her brother.
"But if I go first it might cause a constitutional crisis on the issue of female succession!" replied the little girl.
"That one was probably hiding behind the other on the scan. Look theres definitely two of them up there. I can see three legs and hear them talking!" said Jamie.
"There was only one on the ultrasound and being an RAF pilot I know my radar screens!" said the Duke of Cambridge.
"Do you mind. I don't really care how many are hiding up there. It's not a Romanian lorry at Dover customs. Could you pass the pethadene?" asked the future Royal Mam.
"Is there any chance you could also ask the staff at the state hospital to stop taking photographs of my wifes lower parts on their camera-phones? I asked for a room with view not a Womb with a view !" said William.
"I am sorry but you will appreciate this is a state Hospital the Queen Camilla Hospital in Merthyr Tydfil - we treat everyone on an equal footing, gypsies AND future kings!" said the Doctor.
"I got a feeling that one of the babies whose head was engaged has headed North again as I can see its tiny little legs now!" he continued.
"Once more unto the breech Prince Harry!" sighed William as his brother looked on at the spectacle.
You'll never look at THAT the same way again brother! said Harry laughing. At least it proves we are blue blooded! he continued.
"Oh why couldn't you have flown me to a proper hospital which isn't on the top of the mortality league table?" groaned Kate.
"I told you, someone left the helicopter petrol tank half empty on his jolly back to Afghanistan !" said William pointing the Royal finger at his brother.
"I think its great that a future King and Prince of Wales be born in Wales !" said Harry trying to change the subject. "At least down here Grandpapa and Grand Maam wont interfere with your plans!" The soldier continued.
"Do you have any names yet?" asked the Doctor.
"Jamie is nice! Jamie Al Fayed Zorba Windsor Saxe De Coburg. Does have a pleasant ring to it!" said Harry.
"Great name for an English King after all Jamie IS a strong rugby mans name!" said the British Lion.
"Old HRH Mirren would have a thrombo if she heard that one!" said William laughing. "Though come to think of it our mother was fond of strong rugby players names!" said Harry.
"Carling anyone?" asked Jamie drinking from a can. "Come on its a celebration. It's not every day you get to deliver a future monarch!"
"Carling IS a nice name!" mumbled Kate.
From inside the womb the pair of siblings tested each other out.
"Well if you wont go down the chute first why don't we go down together?" suggested the female.
"Good idea one leg each we can pop out together. Do you think that giant with the head of a Cwmtaff Swede can catch us both at the same time?" asked the male.
"Well he is wearing a tee- shirt bearing the slogan Welsh & Irish Lions destroyers of Australia 2013I assume he must be a rugger chap!" said the female.
"Good spot. He should not only be able to catch us but throw us a dummy in the same movement!" said the male.
"Well if you go first you'll be third in line to the throne. Me just by virtue of my gender will be way down the Royal pecking order. I'll probably be married orf to a European Duke to secure a peace treaty or something!" said the female.
"Okay!" she said putting her leg in the delivery chute. As she did so her brother threw her a dummy of his own and shoved her in the back to the point of no return.
"Bastard!" she yelled as she flew down the uterus like a kid in a Walt Disneys Typhoon Lagoon water ride culminating with her head sticking out of the Middleton Minge.
"Well this little Princess didnt have much trouble exiting this tunnel. Just checking that there is no obstruction. Whats this ?" asked Dr Rhino Pads 2013.
"Whats wrong?" asked a nervous Duke .
"Never seen this before. The umbilical cord is caught around something ...it's okay it is a little silver spoon in her mouth. Don't worry this child will never know hunger, fear or working stress in their lifetime!" said Jamie.
"Shit it doesn't have any front bits Willy?" said Harry dejectedly.
"Thats because its a girl!" said Jamie. "I learned the difference in the University Cardiff Medical School!"
"Are you sure its not unisex?" asked Harry looking down at the ladies parts. "I had plenty of that too being in the Welsh Rugby team but definitely a flatcock! Dad is going to be pissed orf. We carefully selected her for breeding to give us a king. Look what happened to our ancestor Henry the Eighth and the country after his six attempts to get it right!" said William.
"I told you should have gone for Pippa!" said Harry.
"Is there any thing we can do Doc to change things? Can we offer you a Knighthood or something in the New Years Honours List to put that one back up or throw it out with the bathwater?" asked Wills.
"Now Sir Jamie to add to my BMA MD..GS..TC !" said Jamie scratching his massive Neanderthal chin. Despite his caveman look he was the first rugby player to have a brain since JPR Williams.
"Sorry to interrupt but I have an obstruction the size of a melon in a hole originally the size of a grape and this pethadene has stopped helping!" said Kate two heads.
"If I take THAT out the other one is going to be kicked out of the womb by gravity!" said the William Webb Ellis scientist.
With a slight of hand that magician Paul Daniels would be proud of Jamie removed the baby girl and plugged the hole in one movement.
"That should hold you for a couple of hours. Now get her in the Sea King and off to St Marys Hospital London with you sharpish!" said Dr Roberts.
As the press gathered outside the hospital Nicholas Witchell and Prince Charles exchanged scowls at one another.The Royal baby had been born and weighed in at 8lb 6 ounces.The Harley Street experts were puzzled as to why there was a rugby ball lodged in the undercarriage of the Duchess of Cambridge. And the name the Royal couple decided on for the male heir born without hair? Gilbert. Arise Sir Jamie!