As she woke from her first nap of the day , the carer wiped the drool from the corner of her mouth, with a BUPA emblazed napkin.

As her 100 year old eyes adjusted to her surroundings, Miss Dee Mentia , realized that she was still in her reality show nightmare- the oldest living dinosaur on the Tara Ward of Gran-Yr-Afon Nursing Home in Merthyr Tydfil.

Her eyes met those of her close friend for the past decade, Miss Bette Whetter, who too was slumped in a chair staring at the bland magnolia walls of her BUPA prison.

" It's a good job we didn't smoke , drink or partied all our lives ................or ....we would missed all this!!!!! Slurred Dee in exasperation at her surroundings.

Bette for once, understood her friend and began merrily to chortle at Dee's dry sense of humour.

It was the only thing dry for Bette , as for the last year she had unfortunately lost control of all her bodily functions and literally pissed herself everytime her fellow 'Bad Girl' cracked a funny.

Dee , on the other hand was physically fit but 'mentally challenged' .

" Can I get you anything? ......asked Nurse Allitt... before Doctor Shipman does his rounds."

" Death.... please.....!" begged Dee ..I can't afford to stay here any longer...this Labour Government have sold my house, taken all my savings and I am down to my last £500 .....I don't want to spend the rest of my days in that dump!"....

Allitt and Whetter didn't need to look out of the window to know which dump Dee was moaning about.

The 'dump' was the former Kirkhouse Nightclub which had been converted into an NHS Nursing home...turning former ravers into real ravers.

" Even my children and Grandchildren have gone before me....Dee continued..." Why am I still here!"

In her heart , she thought she knew the real answer....in her late teens she had gone " Skinny dipping " in the Taff Fechan River in Pontsarn , taking an illicit naked shower with a German Prisoner Of War ... like the Rider Haggard character played by Ursula Undress ..... SHE...... had become immortal in the " Blue Pool" ....with what was his name....Al ...something..... she had forgotten...

" Al Zheimers!"....interjected Bette.....

" I didn't realize I was talking out loud....said a startled DEE.

" You weren't..... you were strumming the tuna banjo again...and I don't want my lucky Bingo pen back now........laughed Bette Whetter once again living up to her name.

The two friends , like a scene from a surreal Ziegfield follies, dripped in liquid harmony as the waited for Doctor Shipman to arrive.

Out in the car park , the Blue BUPA ambulance screeched to a halt..... suddenly driver Rees Susitation remembered that he was actually driving his ambulance and not his quad bike across the Gurnos Road Gardens....opening the back door he helped the occupants up ,swapped their false teeth and glasses and helped them onto their Zimmers and into the reception of the Gran Yr Afon Nursing Home.

" Gott in Himmel...Zat man is a menace! ....barked the taller man...."63 years ago I vood have had him shot..."

" Now , now Al....said the Welshman as he comforted his former Prisoner of War...times have changed!..people have changed...nobody has a minute to spare these days..... for us old folk....who fought and died for King & Country! "

The Jerry-atrics were met on reception by Nurse Allitt.

" Morning gentleman and your names are.....!"

" Corporal Dai Young Member of the Royal Signal Artillery .....and my prisoner of war is ..... Al Zheimers" the Welshman replied.

The look from the ex-SS German Captain was enough to freeze a Jewish stool in midair.

" Sorry old habits..... die hard....do you take Nuremberg Nazis in here? Apologized Dai.

" MRSA's are always welcome here...but Germans.....!"snapped Allitt

" Do you take ze Nazi Gold Card?" enquired Zheimers

" That'll do nicely...replied the Nurse changing her tone.

" See ...only the good.... Dai Young...." Barked Zheimer in Teutonic Triumph..

" Tell me about it....die young....I'm hundred and still going strong!"...moaned Dee in her bath-chair.

As the new arrivals were led away to their rooms, the German turned his head as in the distance he thought he had heard a female voice familiar to him.

" I have tried everything to die Bette....pills...... poison.....I even tried Merthyr Council's Electoral Registration in case they did Munchhausen's Syndrome by Proxy...... after Nurse Allitt told me about it....but nothing works.....all my friends and family have all predeceased me .....but I am still here.....with only you to talk to.....but after tomorrow ....I have to go... I have no money left.....what am I going to do!"....sobbed Dee.

" Let's escape then....!" suggested Bette

" Where to....besides I can't take you ...you'd leave a trail....."moaned Dee

" Pontsarn....we could hide in the old Sanatorium on Pontsarn Road !" laughed Bette

" What would we eat!..they don't do meals on wheels" whinged DEE.

" We could visit the Blue Pool and have a picnic....or eat insects like on the reality shows !"

" Why not ...today I am 100 years young....I 'm a Centenary get me outtahere!"

" Vie leaf it til tomorrow..... interrupted an Arian Clark Gable ....after all Scarlett....tomorrows another day!"

After a moment's hesitation, like Margaret Mitchell before her in her hospital bed, Dee's jaw dropped...... as the love of her life walked into Tara Ward and back into her arms.

Bette spoilt the romantic moment .....the excitement was too much for her...letting out a death rattle that Father Jack in Father Ted would have been proud of ..... she too was Gone with the Wind!.

Clutching onto his Zimmer frame the scrawny German ordered..." Yes..... let's run away together..... for one last Golden Shower!"

" Can I come too .....to watch? Asked Bette

" Yes...lassie I'll take you, even ......If I have to carry you....promised Dai...not realizing the effect that would have on his Berwick tweed jacket and trousers.

The tryst had been set .....and the last of the Summer Wine would be poured.

" Give me ten minutes to pack my BAG.....asked Dee coyly....

" Pack lightly ....ordered the former Nazi

" Colostomy".

As Prince Charles descended the marble stairwell of Buckingham Palace he had some strange looks from his footmen as the Furry Tail of a Vixen hang down from the back of his head.

In place of the Crown, the Clown Prince wore this latest offering designed to have animal rights protestors in a frenzy.

As he entered the drawing room , Camilla made a contorted face and asked Charles where he was going with that monstrosity on his head.

"Merthyr Tydfil....he replied ..."where the fook's that!".....puzzled expression on her face Camilla asked .....

"yes, it is a fox hat and I have it on!!!" replied Charles indignantly.

" It's our oldest resident 's 100 Birthday today.......whispered Doctor Shipman.

" I know and she has two surprises lined up later....!" Answered Nurse Allitt.

" We have arranged a publicity stunt for Prince Charles to come to Merthyr to read a telegram from the Queen.

" How did you manage that?" queried Allitt.

" Well you know that we are a flagship of the new Privatised NHS ......I had a word with that Blair-faced liar..... and we got taking about the fact that before we took over the home..... we had over a hundred patients....we are now down to two..... at Prince Charles Hospital we have cut waiting times for Hip operations.......increased bone donations and saved the NHS massive costs on elderly care....as Camilla will confirm Prince Charles LOVES pensioners.....and more spaces in our care homes...means more houses the Government can illegally take from vulnerable pensioners......Tony....was only to happy for another photocall....before he goes to the Lords.

The pair were too engrossed in their conversation to notice the ex-SAS and German Military veterans escape from Stalag 17 with their females hostages.....Dai Young, in true Andy McNabb style ensuring none of Bette's stools were left at enemy HQ for tracking purposes.

During World War 2 , Dai Young had escaped from the real Colditz , captured countless German Tanks but this was his first ambulance.

'Dai Hard with a vengeance' became his nickname.

He soon had the vehicle hotwired and the four wrinklies became the oldest joy riders (but not the first) Georgetown had ever seen.

As the ambulance zigzagged through Cyfarthfa Road at break-neck speed, they dodged members of the congregation of the Church of Latter days Saints crossing the road ...pausing only for a Mormontary lapse.

" Tell us the story of how you two met !" enquired Bette eager to find out the romantic Mills & Boon tale of forbidden love between a Welsh teenager and a German Prisoner of War.

" Vell, It was 1945 and the last week of the War, I was aboard a German Fockewolf Airplane flying over Wales on a mission to negotiate the peace when some dead-eye anti-aircraft gunner caught me in his searchlights and shot me down over Treharris...I thought I was Fockkered but at the last minute managed to parachute out..... but ended up landing in the former open-air Swimming Pool in Edwardsville......!" reminisced Al Zheimer.

"Unfortunately ze Pool was drained and the subsidence in the area meant the shallow end was 15 metres deep and I was kept prisoner there for one week .......which was worse because the War was over!!!!!

" Ze Tommy that caught me was Dai here....who apologized....eventually...... but made it up to me by taking me to a Barn dance in Pontsarn .....where I met the lovely Dee here....who taught me ze reason why it was called ze Blue Pool.!"

Dee blushed red .

The ambulance reached the Spanish Villa in Pontsarn before detouring off Meredith's farm onto the edge of the Pontsarn viaduct.

Heading down the Viaduct embankment on zimmers , like veteran- creased Tony Hawks.... they slid on down to the Blue Pool plateau doing 360's and Ollies as they went.

Stopping only to gather handfuls of the brown capped fungi of their youth, the drugged fuelled Mamas & Der Papas made their way to the Pool entrance at the other side of the Aberglais Bridge.

A bemused Portuguese taxi driver , Speedy Gonzales , actually slowed down at the narrow bridge entrance seeing the pensioner crossing sign.

He was not expecting four naked pensioners with more hanging skin than a pack of bloodhounds......nor Dee's elongated breasts dragging in the dust.

The taxi driver thought he had stumbled on a scene from out of the Living Dead.....and accelerated away up the Sanatorium Hill .

He sped faster than the time he sprinted through the Channel Tunnel when it opened chased by the first rabid dog in Britain for 20 years and it was the most frightening thing he had seen since Cherie - The Blair Witch- opened the door of 10 Downing Street after the election victory....

Pulling into to the Picnic Area below the Wall House Farm, the Taxi-Driver tried to make sense of the scenes playing out in his mind ...the obscene images burned into his memory like an the old Beta-Max video horror tape …still replaying but this time in the Blue Pool hidden below the tree-lined slopes of the River Taf Fechan.

As the four zombies slid and swallow dived into the foaming waters their ‘skinny dipping’ seemed to cleanse them of their added years , after each dive each swimmer seemed to regress 80 years and resurface at the prime of their recaptured Hitler youth.

As the LSD in the magic mushrooms took effect on their fragile minds , it became like a scene from Cocoon , as Al Zheimer forgot everything and became Johnny Weizmuller for the day.

Bette & Dee free from all inhibitions, swam like Esther Williams save that their empty mammary glands floated on the surface of the water like two punctured air bags .

Dai too became the breast stroke champion of Pontsarn but the cold water prevented him arousing muscles he had not used for 40 years .

Al Zheimer didn’t have such a problem as he floated on his back pretending he was a U-Boat Captain periscope in full view.

Dai had to put a stop to this show and tied some cord around a pebble, lassoing the German Sausage “ Shouting Depth Charge”.

“ The water is bluer than I remember….!”shrieked Dee in delight splashing wildly

Pimping down from the Road Bridge at the Gerry-atric Day ’Trippers’ , Speedy Gonzales knew the real reason.

The chemical spills from the Water Treatment works HAD turned the water BLUE and poisoned the fish and the illegal dumping of tyres by a local garage owner had turned this Area of Special & Scientific Interest into a ruddy Hell Hole.

All he could see below him in the River was Spare Tyres and Old Blue Trouts and there was also the pensioner swimming posse .

By now, the pensioners had rigged their own version of the bungee by draping Al’s braces off a gnarled old oak and took turns to leap from the moss covered limestone into the air space over the plunge pool.

As Dai bungeed off the bridge, in successive recoils he lost his teeth , his wig and finally his glass eye to the eddy swirling below the water fall.

Below on the rock ridge, a fond embrace between Allies & Axis stretched back over 80 years as the promised Love Tryst took place and the German once more invaded British Territory.

It was Dee-Day relived,….as the reunited lovers Al & Dee became entwined , just like the Aldi carrier bag caught in the current which began to wrap itself around an ancient tree root .

After 80 years of hurt Dee had had her wish…a brockwurst breakfast in the Blue Pool…

Poor Dai was experiencing his own hurt as his over exuberant bungee swing meant he had just stung his manhood on a stinging nettle and was frantically looking for a Dock Leaf and a soft landing.

Bette was laughing so much it cured her incontinence.

Free from their Warders the old fossil fools burnt up their remaining life energy in one day.

The Taxi Driver stared for twenty more minutes until he realised that Dee and Bette were in fact swimming naked and not drowning any puppies as he had first thought….. eventually , like the Duracell bunny’s rivals…. they all collapsed one by one exhausted on the river bank.

He had never seen such a happy but surreal scene….. and agreed to give the four blue pensioners a lift back to Town in return for being included in each of their respective Wills.

The look on the face of Nurse Allitt was one of ‘resident evil’ as the four blue pensioners arrived wearing only mini Speedy Gonzales sombreros covering their dignity.

Dai still had a dock leaf under his to ease the swelling.

The look on Prince Charles face was of total disbelief as he suddenly realized that his Centarian Telegram victim was amongst the arrivals.

“ Dee Mentia? ….he asked croaking through a bout of laryngitis.

“Charles ‘Asnovoice’…..

In her mind Dee could hear the strains of “She….may be the face I can’t forget!!!!”

Charles continued “ My mother wishes you all the best on your 100th Birthday….but please die soon……… cos the Government can’t afford to keep you on the NHS and us on the Civil List!!!!”

It was the last thing Dee remembered as she was lethally injected by the Royal handshake containing Polonium 210.

“ Euthanasia comes to us all….whispered Charles ….even Di had to die …..Camilla next….Heather Mills too on the waiting list….”

Looking round at the three trembling remaining pensioners….Charles laughed maniacally …..like another Prince of Wales in the White-chapel fog .

“ Four more hip donors Mr Shipman!!!!....................by Royal Appointment.