Welsh Jokes - posted 2008-2010 - Page 1

.

CONTEXT: Between 2008 and 2010 AmeriCymru ran a regular 'Joker of the Month' competition in the Welsh Humour Group . These pages were not migrated when we switched platforms from Ning to Jamroom in 2015. Below you will find many of the entries posted by members on the old site. Some of the jokes posted below are somewhat 'off color' and may contain 'salty saesneg'

.

.

Gareth Williams Comment by Gareth Williams on January 1, 2010 at 4:02pm

North Wales man cleared as ‘tiger porn’ clip revealed as joke

A MAN has been cleared of possessing an extreme pornographic image involving a tiger having sex with a woman. The prosecution offered no evidence when it was accepted that the tiger in the video clip was not real, and that it was all a joke.

It emerged in court yesterday that police and prosecutors had not previously listened to the film with the soundtrack on.

When they did hear the sound, they discovered that following the act, the tiger turned to the camera and roared: “That beats the Frosties advert!”.

Andrew Robert Holland, 47, of High Street, Coedpoeth near Wrexham, appeared at Mold Crown Court yesterday and pleaded not guilty.

Prosecutor Elizabeth Bell said the prosecution had decided to offer no evidence against him.
When asked by Judge John Rogers QC why that was being done, she said that when the case was previously reviewed the film had no soundtrack.

The film had been further reviewed, the soundtrack could be heard, and it was clear that the film had been produced for the purposes of a joke rather than for sexual gratification.

“The soundtrack confirmed that the person watching the image would realise that it was not actually a real tiger that was involved in the act,” she said.

The judge recorded a formal not guilty verdict.

The court heard how the film had been sent to the defendant via a blue tooth connection as a joke.

Following the hearing, defending barrister Mr David Potter said that the prosecution now accepted that any reasonable person viewing the video would not consider it to be real and that it was produced for the purposes of a joke.

“The soundtrack showed the tiger describing himself as Tony the Tiger, the Frosties advert character, who roars and says ‘that beats the Frosties advert’,” he explained. The joke meant that Holland had found himself accused in court – and on various internet sites – of possessing an extreme pornographic image which portrayed a person performing an act of intercourse with a tiger which was grossly offensive, disgusting or otherwise of an obscene character

Gareth Williams Comment by Gareth Williams on December 20, 2009 at 6:40pm

Dilwyn Jeffreys Phillips Comment by Dilwyn Jeffreys Phillips on November 8, 2009 at 11:54pm

Some Ianto Stories

Ianto and Myfanwy were invited to a swanky costume party at the Feathers.

Myfanwy got a terrible headache and told Ianto to go to the party alone. Ianto being a devoted husband protested, but Myfanwy argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So Ianto took his costume and away he went. Myfanwy, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since Ianto didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him.

Myfanwy joined the party and soon spotted Ianto cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice young woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

Myfanwy sidled up to him and being rather seductive to him, had Ianto leave his current partner high and dry and devote his time to the new chick that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband..

Finally, Myfanwy whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.

So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, Myfanwy slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

Myfanwy was sitting up reading when Ianto came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. Ianto replied: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much ?"

"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.

When I got there, I met Dafydd, Efan Jones and some other boys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

--------------

Ianto walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', Ianto replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' Ianto retorted.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

Ianto replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

Ianto walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir? '

'I can't pee out of it,' said Ianto.

Dilwyn Jeffreys Phillips Comment by Dilwyn Jeffreys Phillips on October 4, 2009 at 11:41pm

You know you'r Welsh, if you can say yes to any three of the following.

From the country that brought you the Echo, Derek the Weatherman, dai caps and Mam-gu...YOU KNOW YOURE FROM THE VALLEYS WHEN......

1.You know at least 10 "Dais"

2.You have to explain what "togs" are and more importantly what "daps" are

3.You've suddenly realised that you are 10p short for the Severn bridge

4."Fin hoffi coffi" does not mean fluency in Welsh

5.You've bumped into someone you know on your holidays in the Costa del sol

6.Conversations with Indian call centre workers do not end well

7.You support any team that plays against England

8.You know at least one person who claims they were in school with either Charlotte Church, Katherine Jenkins, Ioan Gryffudd or Catherine Zeta-Jones

9.You wince when you see a Welsh person making a t*at of themselves on TV and they usually have the strongest Welsh accent ever

10.That coat is indeed my jacket

11.You raise a small cheer when you see the "Croeso I Gymru" on the M4 or Welcome to Wales as you come down the hill from Ross into Monmouth.

12.You're a fluent Welsh speaker but turn the pamphlet/leaflet over and read the English version

13.You last name is one of the following: Williams, Gwynne, Bevan, Llewellyn, Morgan, Rees, Powell, Prichard, Howell, Davies, Lewis, Thomas, Jones, Griffiths, Morris, Evans, James, Roberts, Jenkins, Owen or Ap Windsor

14.When you go abroad you have to explain to people where Wales is, and that it is not part of England

15.You can name all the celebrities that have any connection to Wales

16.You own a Stereophonics CD

17.Hugh Pugh, Max Boyce and Derek the Weatherman are all TV personalities you recognize

18.You know who exactly Aneurin Bevan is and what exactly he is famous for

19.A village/town 3 miles away is described locally as being just around the corner or just down the road

20.You don't know the surnames of any of you friends, you refer to them instead as Dai the Milk, Will the shop, Ron Top Road, or Mark Ty-Draw

21.You remember watching Ivor the Engine, Will Quack Quack, Sam Tan and Super Ted

22.A butty is your mate not a sandwich

23.The word "Never" is used on a daily basis and everything "does my head in"

24.You've used the phrase "I'll be there now in a minute" on several occasions

25.Proper, Cwtch, Tidy, Potch, Dap, and Courting are daily used phrases YCH A FI!

Send this on to all your Welsh friends

Byn (Bynbrynman)Tavarn Ty Elise Comment by Byn (Bynbrynman)Tavarn Ty Elise on October 2, 2009 at 3:18am

I've noticed on my Google alerts recently, there have been a few polls on Countries with the best sexual relations, with the Germans, apparently, coming out best. A few years ago during the swinging sixties they had volunteer couples from different Countries put microphones in their bedrooms to test the wives' responses during the act of making love.

They chose a Welsh couple from Merthyr, Dai and Blodwen, to represent the U.K. The German woman after an hour of mad passionate love shouted Wunderbar, Wunderbar; the French woman, after two hours screamed out, ooh la la, ooh la la, magnifique and after five minutes, Blodwen said, Dai, I think the ceiling needs re-doing.

Gareth Williams Comment by Gareth Williams on October 1, 2009 at 7:49am

VISITORS passing through Port Penrhyn have been left reported a harbourmaster’s hilarious sign.
 

Daily Post

Ianto and Myfanwy went to the Royal Welsh show in Builth Wells and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

Myfanwy playfully nudged Ianto in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

Myfanwy gave him a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .....You could learn a lot from him.'

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

Myfanwy was so excited that her elbow nearly broke Ianto’s ribs, and said,
'That's once a day..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

Ianto looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

Dilwyn Jeffreys Phillips Comment by Dilwyn Jeffreys Phillips on September 18, 2009 at 12:50am

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961, and Ianto had a date with Myfanwy.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Myfanwy’s mother said as she welcomed Ianto in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Ianto replied.

Myfanwy’s mother brought the iced tea. 'So, what are you and Myfanwy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the fish and chip shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..'

'Myfanwy likes to screw, you know,' her mother informed him.

'Really?' Ianto replied, his eyebrows rising.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again!!'

'Is that so?' asked Ianto, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Ianto said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Myfanwy came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Ianto.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Myfanwy burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mam!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The f**king dance is called the Twist!!!

Roguefemme Comment by Roguefemme on February 16, 2009 at 9:02am
   

I put this in my blog, but though it was worth cross-posting:

I was recently informed that the slang term "taffy" for the Welsh has its origins in an insulting poem started by (shockingly) the English. So since I am a Cymruphile and have an evil sense of humour, I decided to do my bit to defend poor old Taffy:


    Taffy was a Welshman,
    Johnny was just English,
    Taffy's loved of all the girls,
    while John can only wish!

    Taffy was a Welshman
    he ne'er stole beef nor ale,
    Johnny lied 'cause he was sore
    that Taffy kicked his tail!

    Taffy was a Welshman
    a master of poet's art
    Taffy came to court me,
    and soon he won my heart!

    Taffy is a Welshman,
    Taff's my very dear
    I kept Taffy warm last night,
    while John cried in his beer!

Tam Ryan Comment by Tam Ryan on February 4, 2009 at 12:23pm
   

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand.

In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Wales to see if the Welsh had the same phone.

He arrived at Llanelli in Carmarthenshire, Wales and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40p per call.' 

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Wales now, son - it's a local call'.

Linda Hall Comment by Linda Hall on January 21, 2009 at 8:28am

Element Name: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as younger samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Linda Hall Comment by Linda Hall on January 21, 2009 at 8:15am

Three old Welsh ladies sit in a cafe, discussing their health.

Gladys says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

Beryl says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

 Bronwen smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Linda Hall Comment by Linda Hall on January 21, 2009 at 7:29am

Two women friends had gone out for a girls night out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These bloody girls nights out have got to stop. My missus came home last night without her panties." "That's bugger all," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her arse that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you!'

Many apologies in advance if you have already read the public service announcement... just wanted to make sure you didn't miss it... doing my job as a good, health conscious citizen.

To my friends who enjoy a glass of beverage alcohol... And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E.Coli)
-bacterial find in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine or beer (or tequila,
rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a
purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop,

Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink alcohol and talk stupid, than to drink
water and be full of shit .

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing
it as a public service.

phil_D Comment by phil_D on December 7, 2008 at 8:23am

When to Vegas Last year. In the corner of the casino there was a golden phone...with a banner that read.." Speak to God..cost of call $1000000". On the way back from USA we called in at Paris. At the Louvre there was another Golden phone.."Speak to God...cost of call E10000"

After a great holiday we got back to Ton Pentre...in the Rhondda. Went to our local library for new books and...they had installed a golden phone!! The banner read..." Speak to God...cost of call £0.05". Well...it is a local call from here...

Ian Price Comment by Ian Price on December 7, 2008 at 2:33am

Dai and Will open up a pub but nobody uses it. So Dai turns to Will and says " I think we should have opened a brothel instead " Will looks at him indignantly and says. "Dont be stupid! They won't drink beer so how are going to get them to drink broth".