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Tony Robinson looked nervously at the television camera. This was a first even for the ‘Time Team’ and its archaeologists. The deep scan of the Norman crypt at Morlais Castle in Merthyr Tydfil had revealed a hollow
chamber behind the inner walls and the readings for metal possible gold and silver were going off the scale.
Tony genuinely believed they had discovered a treasure hoard possibly confiscated from local Celtic chieftains in the 13th Century. He felt giddy at the prospect of being as famous as Howard Carter, who had discovered the
unopened the burial chamber of King Tutankhamen in the Valley of the Kings in Egypt in 1922.
What treasure lay beyond these limestone walls that had remained hidden for 800 years?
He wanted to be recognised and not just being remembered as that ‘Baldprick’ from Black Adder who was ridiculed and bullied by Rowan Atkinson.
Tony scraped away at the remaining millimetres of limestone rock concealing the chamber and finally managed to pierce its inner layer enough to get a flashlight in the tiny aperture. He had been excited at the potential find and had in his childlike state put off using the toilet in all the fuss- he wanted to be the one to have the fame. Besides, there were no longer any public toilets in the Merthyr Town centre due to Council
cutbacks.
As he peered inside, he suddenly frightened the film crew who feared a booby trap for a grave robber, as he came face to face with a figure of a Norman soldier completely dressed in armour. The shock made Tony piss himself uncontrollably, as the result of a mixture of fear and anxiety.
There was another more welcoming emotion too- relief -as like Magnus Magnusson on Mastermind he had started so he may has well finish.
“ Oi Slackbladder...do you mind ?...You’re pissing on my suede shoes!” said the hatted figure of Time Team regular Mick Aston.
The warm of the yellow liquid on a cold grey day in a Valleys cave was welcome, but pleasure quickly became misery as he had ruined his expensive corduroy trousers. The cameraman panned down at the front of them to compound Tony’s misery. Ever the professional Tony said to the screen “ Be careful if you go into limestone caves as there is a lot of water around that can splash your clothes indiscriminately- drips from stalactites go down and stalagmites go up!” he said trying to bluff his way out of the embarrassment.
“ Oh and be careful of incontinent television presenters too ....always give them room to go into a dig ...in case they shit on you!” said Mick taking the mick.
Tony looked at his sidekick with a stare that could kill. He concentrated on the task in hand. He continued to gouge at the circle of wet rock in a circular fashion with a small hand drill until he had enough of a gap to get his head in.
When he had done so, he placed the torch in his mouth and shone it around with a jaw movement . If he hadn’t had to hold the light source in his teeth he would have been open mouthed. “ Is the crypt untouched.....the Norman seal intact?” asked Mick impatiently.
Tony withdrew his head and pass the flashlight to Mick.
“ See for yourself!” he said almost whispering.
Mick peered through the hole like an amateur gynaecologist and his jaw dropped. He could see row after row of Norman soldiers clad in full battle regalia like they originally wore in the 1066 Normandy invasion.
“ We have found the limestone equivalent of the Terracotta Army!” said Mick leaping on Tony in his joy forgetting momentarily that Tony had pissed himself earlier.
“ This is a living Bayeaux Tapestry....its priceless!” said Mick punching the air.
“ I have dreamt of finding something of this magnitude and historical importance all my life -even when I was a homeless student archaeologist....looking for ‘digs’!” said the one time stand in for Worzel Gummidge.
The overpowering smell of urine reached his nostrils, as he too realised he now smelt like he had trench foot.
Tony & Mick began hacking at the remaining wall to allow full bodily access all the while watching out for ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ style booby traps for intended grave robbers.
Mick half expected a giant ball to come rolling out of the darkness or for a crossbow to hit him King Harold style in the eye.
There was however, a warning written in French on a plaque above the head of the first soldier which the pair took to be William of Normandy.
They guessed this was the case as the towering figure was well over six feet tall and had a massive Eric Cantona- style nose .
“I assume that is William the CONKeror!” laughed Tony slipping back into character.
“ Can you read that sign in French?”
“ Of CORSE I CANNES!” quipped back Aston purtting on a phoney French accent and talking quickly.
“ It is a warning that if the seal of this burial chamber is broken the nearby Hamlet will suffer 200 years of decline, depression , famine and flood!” replied Mick.
“ Bit late for Merthyr either that or someone beat us to it!” laughed Tony his voice echoing around a chamber not opened for over half a Millenia.
Tony checked to be sure there were no trip wires in front of him before approaching the Norman Warlord.
“Look at that armour...imagine the weight of carrying that into battle every day!” he said looking up and realising he only came up to the nipple line of the historical figure.
“ I wouldn’t have lasted long against someone his size!”
Mick too was in an orgiastic state seeing such historical splendour laid out in row after row stretching back into the darkness almost as if the army was ready to march on the command from their leader.
“ We are Sooo privileged to be the ones to find this lot!” he said.
The eerie silence was broken as a whooshing sound was heard as a projectile hit the wall near the newly created entrance in the limestone rock. The normally bluey-white rock was suddenly covered in an explosion of orange.
“ Don’t move or Baldprick gets it!” shouted a Welsh voice from the Darkness.
Mick Aston suddenly realised the projectile hadn’t come from the crossbow of a Medieval army but a more modern source of a paintball gun.
“ These figures and any gold and silver in their pouches belong to us!” said another voice.
“ Who are you?” asked Tony.
“ We are the guardians of this chamber and these soldiers are our ancestors- we are the Normans from Bramble Close in the Gurnos and you are standing in our family grave.!” said the first voice obviously the leader.
“ We are from Time Team from the television...perhaps you have seen us on the Discovery Channel?” replied Tony.
“ No!” was the straight reply.
“ We found them in the same way we ‘found’ those frozen cod steaks when someone broke into the Merthyr Tydfil Iceland store....we call it ‘Findus Keepers’ or you might recognise it as ‘Treasure Trove’ a rule established prior to the coming of us Normans in 1066 under Edward the Confessor.” said the musclebound Gurnos Warrior.
“ You on the other hand are trespassers!” boomed the voice filled with the sound of aggression.
“ Do you know what we do in Merthyr to grave robbers?” asked the leader, all 6 ft 8 inches of him enjoying terrorising the minor celebrity.
“ No?” gulped Tony.
“ We eat them!” said the Big Boss.....” Bones and all!”
Baldrick’s incontinence flared up again and he promptly shit himself.
A small trickle of a brown rivulet rolled down from his Don Estelle-style shorts into his socks...turning khaki into kak.
“ I wouldn’t eat him now if I were you !” argued Mick.
Mick had heard of some tribes in Papua New Guinea being headshrinkers and cannibals, but didn’t think it still went on at home in England & Wales.
“ Do you know what we call you English in these parts?” asked the Leader licking his lips.
“ Long Pig!” said the Norman.
“ Do you know why?”
“ We taste....like.... bacon?” stuttered Tony.
“ Correct....like HG Wells Time Machine we are the Morlocks and you the Eloi...!” said the voice.
“ Is that camera on...filming live to the Nation?” asked the Morlock Leader sharpening a barbecue spit knife.
“ Yes...!” lied the spluttering Tony...hoping it might be his Saviour.
He knew Merthyr from reports in the Sun newspaper was renowned for having the laziest, un-fittest, workshy bunch of scumbags this side of the Great North/South Divide and had a lower life expectancy than Sierra Leone but cannibalism?
He bumped into the first soldier in the ranks and it fell backwards in a domino effect knocking down row after row of priceless historical limestone figures shattering and cracking them as they toppled one by one.
Tony’s heart was pounding and his blood pressure through the roof- if the Normans would eat him for entering their sanctuary what would they do to him in light of this sacrilege? He suddenly noticed another man stepping out of the shadows who had a familiar rubber face.
“ Rowan....is that you?” asked Tony clutching his chest.
The man responsible for Johnny English , Mr Bean and Blackadder bent over with laugh. He was joined by the fake Normans.
“ No... this isn’t Team Team or Not the 9 O’Clock News ...we are filming but a new edition of Candid
Camera as the BBC has run out of ideas....!” laughed Rowan .
“ Smile for the camera...it’s called Rowan’s laugh in!”
“ You bastard Atkinson....I nearly went the way of Mel Smith then...!” said Tony picking up his slurry filled pants that were hanging low like an MC Hammer video.
Looking at the grey limestone colour on Tony’s face , Rowan realised how close he had been to sending another member of the cast of Blackadder to that great Comedy Forum in the sky.
“ I think we both nearly made a grave mistake.!” said Atkinson.
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THIS HOUSE by Sian Northey Translated from Welsh by Susan Walton Published by 3TimesRebel Press Plastic-free paperback with French flaps & Wibalin® endpapers Pages: 190 ISBN 978-1-7391287-9-1 Price £12.99 / e-book £6.99 |
Out 21 March 2024
Grief, solitude, and the inner call to be freed from her past are the threads that beautifully and tightly intertwine in this novel.
Anna has lived alone for decades. She is cocooned by, and marooned in, an isolated cottage called Nant yr Aur in the Welsh mountains. The arrival of Siôn, a young man who seems strangely at home in the house, leads to an unpicking of Anna’s past.
As Anna’s relationship with Siôn develops, her perspective on the solidity of her past shifts. Uncertainty, distortion, illusion and subtle betrayal are gradually exposed. Ultimately, a quietly devastating revelation changes the lives of both Siôn and Anna.
Sian Northey writes with economy and precision, setting out what the life of a middle-aged woman with an emotionally complicated past feels like from the inside.
'Astute, understated, compassionate. Sian Northey gently unpicks the threads of love and memory that bind us to place and to each other. A beautiful, glowing gem of a novel, now brought to a wider audience by Susan Walton's wonderful translation.'
Angharad Price, Welsh academic and novelist.
Sian Northey has been a full-time writer for the last fourteen years. Almost all her work is written and published in Welsh. She is the author of three novels for adults, one poetry collection, three short story collections, several scripts, and numerous children’s and teens’ novels. Her novels are Yn y Tŷ Hwn (Gwasg Gomer, 2011), Rhyd y Gro (Gwasg Gomer, 2016), and Perthyn (Gwasg Gomer, 2019). In 2022 she co-edited the bilingual poetry anthology A470: Poems for the Road/Cerddi'r Ffordd (Arachne Press, 2022).
Sian Northey is also a literary translator. She translated into Welsh the memoir The Journey is Home by John Sam Jones, and Alys Conran’s debut novel, Pigeon , which in its original English won the Wales Book of the Year Award in 2017. Both books were published in English and Welsh by Parthian Books in 2021 and 2016, respectively. She recently translated the award-winning The Last Firefox by Lee Newbery (Penguin Random House, 2022) under the title Y Llwynog Tân Olaf (Firefly Press, 2022).
Susan Walton has been commissioned to translate books from Welsh to English for the publishing house Gwasg Carreg Gwalch since 2009. She has had fourteen translated books published, including eight novels for older children/young adults. During 2020 Susan was mentored under the Literature Wales scheme as an emerging literary translator. This House is her first translation of adult fiction.
ABOUT 3TIMESREBEL PRESS
Based in Dundee, Scotland, and founded by Bibiana Mas, 3TimesRebel Press is an independent publisher like no other, looking to shake up the publishing world and contemporary society.
Challenging the mainstream by being rebel in three ways, 3TimesRebel Press exclusively publish books that are: written in minority languages originally; written by women; and finally written to inspire deep, challenging conversations.
As a pioneering fair-trade publisher, 3TimesRebel Press work to achieve equitable agreements with their authors, translators, illustrators and partners. Their books are locally printed in the UK using responsibly sourced paper, minimising carbon footprint and following environmentally friendly standards. This House is its first plastic-free publication.
3TimesRebel Press are keen to preserve an artisanal feel and meticulous attention to detail in everything they do. Their books are beautifully designed by award-winning master in typography Enric Jardí, and each has a visually striking cover created by a nominated artist.
Website : 3TimesRebel.com | X : @3TimesRebel | Instagram : @3TimesRebel
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THIS HOUSE gan Sian Northey Cyfieithwyd o'r Gymraeg gan Susan Walton Cyhoeddwyd gan 3TimesRebel Press Clawr meddal cyfan gwbl di-blastig Tudalennau: 190 ISBN 978-1-7391287-9-1 Pris £12.99 / e-lyfr £6.99 |
Dyddiad cyhoeddi 21 Mawrth 2024
Galar, unigedd, ac angen menyw i gael ei rhyddhau oddi wrth ei gorffennol yw'r llinynnau sydd yn plethu yn dynn a chelfydd yn y nofel hon.
Mae Anna wedi byw ar ei phen ei hun ers degawdau. Caiff ei gwarchod, a'i hynysu, gan Nant yr Aur, ei chartref anghysbell. Yna mae Siôn yn ymddangos, dyn ifanc sydd fel petai'n od o gartrefol yn y tŷ, ac mae hynny'n arwain at ddatod gwead gorffennol Anna.
Wrth i berthynas Anna a Siôn ddatblygu, sylweddola nad yw ei gorffennol mor gadarn ag y dychmygai. Bob yn dipyn datgelir ansicrwydd, twyll a brad tawel. Yn y diwedd mae datguddiad distaw ddinistriol yn newid bywydau Siôn ac Anna.
Mae Sian Northey yn awdur eithriadol gynnil, ac yn cyflwyno bywyd mewnol menyw ganol oed sydd â gorffennol emosiynol gymhleth.
Craff, cynnil a thawel angerddol. Perl o nofel sy'n datod edefynnau cariad a'r cofion sy'n ein clymu wrth le ac i'n gilydd. A braf yw gweld dawn arbennig Sian Northey yn cyrraedd cynulleidfa ehangach trwy gyfieithiad meistrolgar Susan Walton.
Angharad Price
Bu Sian Northey yn awdur llawn amser ers bron i bymtheg mlynedd bellach. Mae wedi cyhoeddi tair nofel i oedolion, un casgliad o gerddi, tri chasgliad o straeon byrion, a sawl llyfr i blant. Mae hefyd yn sgriptio a golygu. Ei nofelau yw Yn y Tŷ Hwn (Gwasg Gomer, 2011), Rhyd y Gro (Gwasg Gomer, 2016), a Perthyn (Gwasg Gomer, 2019). Yn 2022 cyd-olygodd, gyda Ness Owen, A470:Poems for the Road/Cerddi'r Ffordd (Arachne Press, 2022).
Ond mae Sian hefyd yn gyfieithydd llenyddol ei hun. Cyfieithodd gofiant John Sam Jones, The Journey is Home , a nofel gyntaf Alys Conran, Pigeon , i'r Gymraeg o dan y teitlau Y Daith Ydi Adra a Pijin . Yn y Saesneg gwreiddiol enillodd Pigeon Lyfr y Flwyddyn yn 2017 a bu cynhyrchiad llwyfan dwyieithog llwyddiannus. Cyhoeddwyd y llyfrau hyn, yn Saesneg ac yn Gymraeg, gan Parthian. Yn ddiweddar cyfieithodd The Last Firefox gan Lee Newbery (Penguin Random House, 2022) o dan y teitl Y Llwynog Tân Olaf (Firefly Press, 2022). Mae The Last Firefox wedi ennill sawl gwobr.
Mae Susan Walton wedi bod yn cael ei chomisiynu i gyfieithu llyfrau o'r Gymraeg i Saesneg ar gyfer Gwasg Carreg Gwalch ers 2009. Bellach mae tri ar ddeg o lyfrau a gyfieithwyd ganddi wedi'u cyhoeddi, gan gynnwys saith nofel ar gyfer plant hŷn neu oedolion ifanc. Yn ystod 2020 derbyniodd Susan fentoriaeth dan nawdd cynllun Llenyddiaeth Cymru ar gyfer cyfieithwyr llenyddol newydd. Dyma'r tro cyntaf iddi gyfieithu nofel lenyddol ar gyfer oedolion.
GWYBODAETH AM WASG 3TIMESREBEL
Lleolir y wasg yn Dundee yn yr Alban a chafodd ei sefydlu gan Bibiana Mas. Mae 3TimesRebel yn gyhoeddwr annibynnol unigryw a'r nod yw gweddnewid y byd cyhoeddi a chymdeithas.
Gan herio'r prif-ffrwd trwy fod yn rebel mewn tair ffordd mae pob llyfr sy'n cael ei gyhoeddi gan 3TimesRebel wedi'i ysgrifennu yn wreiddiol mewn iaith leiafrifol, wedi'i ysgrifennu gan fenyw, ac yn olaf wedi'i ysgrifennu i ysbrydoli sgyrsiau dwfn a heriol.
Fel cyhoeddwr marchnad deg blaengar mae 3TimesRebel yn ymdrechu i gael cytundebau teg gyda'i awduron, cyfieithwyr, darlunwyr a phartneriaid. Mae'r llyfrau yn cael eu hargraffu yn lleol yn y DU gan ddefnyddio papur wedi'i gaffael yn gydwybodol, gan wneud yr ôl troed carbon mor fach â phosib a chan gadw at safonau amgylcheddol gyfeillgar. This House fydd y llyfr cyntaf iddynt lwyddo i'w gynhyrchu heb unrhyw blastig yn y clawr hyd yn oed, peth sydd yn anghyffredin iawn.
Mae 3TimesRebel yn awyddus i'r llyfrau gael eu cynhyrchu yn grefftus a chan roi sylw gofalu i'r manylion ym mhob ffordd. Creir dyluniad hardd y llyfrau gan y teipograffydd arobryn Enric Jardí, ac mae clawr trawiadol pob un wedi'i greu gan artist penodol.
Website : 3TimesRebel.com | X : @3TimesRebel | Instagram : @3TimesRebel
Cast of Characters
Miss Arly Marble- a Septegenarian Tea- Total Lady from Yorkshire England (drinksYorkshire Tea)- deaf as a post – avaricious reader who mishears everything.
(Glenys)Mrs Eira Ray- an Irish Nationalist Poet who is on the Cruise to Map the Tombs & Pyramids.
(Abbie)Mrs Jane Dough - a retired Dental Nurse with an OCD complex and a limp.
(Alison)Doctor De’ath- A Doctor who switches accents at Will.-
(Curtis)Phil Le Delphia- A lawyer who specialises in Wills etc.
(Jack)Mr Rhodes Drage- an Oxford Professor who has anger management issues.
(Ron)Mr Len Scrafter- a former US American Football Referee, who has very bad eyesight.-
(Phil)Mr John Dough- a self- employed baker from Abercynon, husband of Mrs Jane Dough ( newperson)
Mr Nile Rogers - a honeymooner (new person)
Mrs Chic Rogers- a honeymooner (new person)
Omar God- an Egyptian Boat Crewman (new person or second part)
Opening scene- a Dahabiya Dream Boat on the Nile River in 2024
Miss Marble:“What a wonderful Asian country Egypt is- such history going back over five Millenia!”
Miss Eira Ray: “ Actually, Egypt is in Africa!” corrected the Irish Poet.
Miss Marble : “Who is a Freak?” countered the hearing challenged Miss Marble somewhatconfused hearing only part of the word.
Jane Dough : “Turn your hearing aids on Miss Marble-(pointing at her ears) NO-ONE is aFREAK….Egypt is in AFRICA!”
Miss Marble started to rummage in her travel bag and after a few seconds produced a case ofanti-perspirant called Lynx Africa.
Phil Le Delphia : “Well it is damn hot- he said taking the can from the table and spraying hissweaty armpits- “I hate these warm Countries!” he continued.
Rhodes Drage: “ So if you hate this heat that much… why did you book up a Nile Cruise on this Dahabiya Dream cruise boat …..in August of all times then?”
Phil looked down at his rubber Fitbit which had partially melted in a vain attempt to checkthe onboard temperature.
Doctor De’ath: “96% degrees in the shade- the Doctor said looking at his rectal thermometerwhich appeared to have chocolate still on it- sounds like a Third World record!”
(PoshEtonian accent)Len Scrafter: “Call this heat?.....try officiating at the Pasadena Superbowl in California…..it was Reffing Hell….96% degrees is nothing compared to that final between the MiamiDolphins and the Buffalo Bill redskins in 1996…….”
Rhodes Drage: “Correct me if I am wrong but I thought it was the Washington Redskins?”
Lens Scrafter: “In that Rosebowl- with no cover- they all had Redskins!”As the sailboat continued its journey from Luxor up river, the party of individuals thrown together on a narrow boat tried to relax but find out a little more about the strangers that they were sat around the wooden table with.
Phil Le Delphia : “ If you must know I am not here on a pleasure trip like most of you….I am here on business at the behest of my client…Mr John Dough…on my left , the Sole Director 28of Pudding Club Limited…. he came aboard this ship at first light….you know what baker’sare like….up at the crack of Dawn!”
Miss Marble: “Who is in the Pudding Club and been up the crack of Dawn?” – a lover of gossip and scandal with her Women’s Institute Friends
Jane Dough : “No… Miss Marble we are talking about my husband - a passenger called JohnDough!” said Jane lifting her hat and speaking into her ancient ear trumpet and pointing ather spouse with a knife.
Miss Marble: “There’s no need to shout….I am not deaf you know!”
John Dough: ‘ Well you are doing a damned fine impression then….you CoffinDodger!” shouted the irritated businessman.
Miss Marble glared at John – she had heard THAT- if looks could kill.
Enter to the breakfast time the newly- wed couple.“Do you mind if we join you?” Asked Nile Rogers.The Egyptian waiter added two more plates to the table.
Mrs Eira Ray:“Could I have some fruit please!”
John Dough : “Three Thousand Pounds each for this trip and I can’t even get a bacon sandwich !” He mumped miserably.The waiter bowed and returned with a platter of selected figs, dates and Palestinian not JaffaOranges.The two new arrivals giggled excitedly enjoying their honeymoon experience.“Pass the sugar… Sugar…!” Asked Nile of his spouse.“Pass the honey…Honey !” Replied Chic passing the Tate & Lyle.The other members of the breakfast club looked around at each other jealously.Mrs Dough sighed looking directly at her much older husband John Dough.“You never talk to me like THAT !”“0kay ….pass me the milk you old cow!” Replied the baker without looking up.Mrs Dough passed the milk alright as she poured the entire contents over his head.John Dough didn’t flinch Like Donald Trump he was used to a golden shower. He continued to eat his porridge with the Asses milk dripping off his bald pate.
“Talk about passed your eyes milk!’ quipped Len Scrafter.Mrs Dough embarrassed by the comment- threw her napkin onto the table and stormed off angrily.
Mrs Eira Ray: “Poetic justice if you ask me….you deserved that you chauvinist pig!”
“So I am pig now!” Replied John Dough milk dripping from his head and porridge smearedall around his mouth.“Somewhat ironic when I can’t get any in this Country!”Omar God looked on at the Westerners upset at the mention of the dirty animal that Jesus had cast a demon into.And looking round at the white devils sat around him he could see the results. Did they really deserve to rule the Planet?
Omar God: “Offendi , please do not mention such a dirty animal on my humble boat….it upsets me and my crew!”
John Dough:“Look Fuzzy Wuzzy…I am paying good money for this floating sieve…and I can say what I pigging well want…..when I want ….and I don’t care what you and Mo Salahover there think about it one jot….”
Omar’s face suddenly changed as the Protective Eye of Horus took on the look of the Osiris -the Ancient Egyptian God of death and the Underworld.He was ‘Thothing’ at the mouth at the arrogance of the Englishman insulting him in his own Country and the boat he had lovingly crafted with his own hands. It was all he could do not to put his hands around John Dough’s throat and squeeze the Pilsbury dough out of him. Lens Crafter pulling a yellow referee card from his pocket and waving it at John Dough.“I am booking you….I think you owe this A-rab an apology!”
Omar God: “Thank you Effendi, but I am not an Arab but a Coptic Muslim!” Replied theboat owner.
“Mirror, Mirror on the wall who is the least pharoahest one of all!” Said the poetic Eira Rayglaring at John Dough.
“Typical Brexiteer, still thinks Britannia rules the waves…..I have a message for you John Bull….the Empire ended after the Second World War….if I had my way I would rid the World of all you arrogant English and unify the Emerald Isle in the process!”“ Cromwell didn’t go far enough with your lot!’ said John Dough without looking up fromhaving his gruel.“Here’s your Orange Order …you bloody banshee !” He said picking up a Jaffa and angrilyslinging one at the Irish Molly Malone.
It was all Eira could do to restrain herself clutching her cutlery and muttering the phrase:“Remember Louis Mountbatten Imperialist Englishman!”Professor Rhodes Rage was now face to face and nose to nose with John Dough so close he could taste the porridge.
Len’s Scrafter reached into his pocket and pulled a different card out this time.“Red card for the red coat …..and you Oxford Don......anymore and you will both be sent offthis lovely boat too”.“
I think we need a Ready Break Boyo!” interjected Doctor De’ath separating the two (Welsh Valleys Accent) .“ I thought there was still a special relationship between the US and Britain!” he said trying to appease the pair.
John Dough: “What do you know…you bloody Quack….I bet those certificates in your offices were printed off the internet and authenticated by Former Tory Party Chairman,Jeffrey Archer!”
Miss Marble: “If there is one Nation I dislike more than the Southern English it is their mutant offspring colonists it is those from the New World!” said the Northern English Female Sleuth.“I haven’t forgiven that lot across the pond for tipping all that lovely Yorkshire tea into thatBoston harbour in 1773….those sons were really taking a liberty!’ said Miss Marble handover the silver tea pot pouring out a cup delicately.
John Dough: “ Shut up you old trout….no one cares what you think….and I have got newsfor you …you need to change those batteries in your hearing aids….that wasn’t a silent fart you let out earlier….with table manners like that you need to be sent back to Richard Branson…. no wonder you are still a Virgin and will be returned to God in a box marked‘unopened’!”
Miss Marble suddenly lost her own marbles and picked up a butter knife and started threatening him with a throat slitting gesture like she was a member of the Bloods or the Crips.“Are you determined to upset everyone on this boat before breakfast?” Interjected Nile Rogers.
“If the cap fits!” Replied John Dough.“And I would put one on with if my Missus looked like THAT!’” he said pointing at his newwife.“I have never been so insulted in my life!” Declared the outraged Chic Rogers.“Surely…with THAT face you MUST have been!” roared John Dough unashamedly.Nile Rogers stood up to punch the obnoxious factory owner but was restrained by Lawyer Phil Le Delphia.“Careful …you don’t want to be charged with assault like that Turkish Football Club Owner now do you?”“And you …John Dough as my client…. I would advise you to tone it down until at YEAST you have SIGNED your new Will!”
Continued Phil.“Yes …ooh ah…think of your high blood pressure!” Continued Dr De’ath ( SwindonWiltshire Accent )The purple faced Gammon just glared around at the crowd of strangers he had already insulted.He looked like he would catch fire at any second.He loved his ability to upset other people and ruin their lives.It is all he lived for -as his lifetime accumulation of bread had not made him any happier- nor had his unlimited supply of crumpet over the years that his money had attracted.It would be a long week on this Dahabiya Dreamboat which would now probably turn into a nightmare.The guests one by one retired to their respective cabins below deck.
Scene Two
Thirty minutes later a piercing scream was heard from down below.It was Jane Dough- who had suddenly become the latest widow on the boat.
The tourists all rushed towards cabin 13-which bore the name of Julius Caesar.Each of the cabins on board the Dream Boat had names associated with Egypt.Ptolemy, Cleopatra and of course the Bangles. First to the doorway was Doctor De’ath, who complete with black medical bag rushed into tothe cabin to find Jane doing an impression of Edvard Greig’s the Scream - frozen in shockwith her hands over her cheeks like a version of McAuley Culkin looking through theNeverland Ranch window at an approaching Michael Jackson.
The doorway soon became crowded as the rest of the passengers and crew arrived one byone.The body of John Dough lay face down on the bed with a knife lodged in his back wedged between his shoulder blades.
“He’s dead!” Declared Doctor De’ath checking the cadaver’s pulse.As he moved the body slightly, the corpse let out a death rattle of his own which sounded like the horn of a cruise ship on the River Nile waking up Omar God asleep at the wheel with a start.“I think it was suicide and not a Murder!” Pronounced Dr De’ath looking at the entry wound of the knife.( Scottish Accent like Taggart)
“Are you REALLY a Doctor?” enquired Rhodes Drage suspiciously.“Please explain how the Hell he could have stabbed HIMSELF in the back?” said LenScrafter though his thick milk bottle glasses…..”
“I can’t see it myself!- although it is definite foul play!”Eira Ray :‘I agree with Mr Magoo here….what did he do ?……fall on the knifebackwards?….it is impossible - as he is lying FACE down!”.
Len Scrafter said what most of the innocent passengers were thinking“Good riddance to bad rubbish….he deserved to be sent off!”
Jane Dough: “Do you mind….where is your sensitivity?….he may only have been my husband for a year …but he didn’t deserve to be murdered in this way!”
Len Scrafter: “ I am a soccer referee …..we DON’T have any feelings!”
Dr De’ath : “We must inform the Egyptian Authorities immediately of the death….mainlybecause I get ash cash for pronouncing him dead….finder’s keepers!”
Len Scrafter: “ He was a goalie as well as a policeman?”
Jane Dough: “ Not that kind of keeper nor a Policeman-He was a baker !- that’s why Imarried him …. he told me he had loads of Dough!”Len Scrafter somewhat confused having been lost in translation.
Len Scrafter : “ But someone said he was a Pig earlier?”
Miss Marble: “ From experience….best not to involve the Police until we know what has transpired…..otherwise we could be held captive on this boat for days!”
Mr Nile Rogers: “ I agree ….if we tell the Egyptian Authorities they will stop the Cruise and ruin our Honeymoon and we won’t get to see all the Wonders of the Ancient World like Karnak and Abu Simbel “ he pleaded.
Chic Rogers: “ Please- it’s not like he was a good man now is it - you all bore a grudgeagainst him earlier!” The passengers all looked at each other and then back at the lawyer for guidance.
Phil Le Delphia: “ Well we could all be accessories to murder if we don’t report it to the crewbut we all have our individual good reasons for the Cruise to continue!”
Rhodes Drage: “What’s yours?”
Phil Le Delphia : “ His cheque for my services hasn’t cleared yet!….and he said whisperingin the ear of Jane Dough ….”His Will states you must survive him by a week before you get to inherit his fortune!”
Jane Dough changing tack like the wooden sail boat on the Nile she was on replied:“ Perhaps we shouldn’t act so hastily after all ….but we need to keep this quiet from thecrew until in six days time we arrive at the Aswan Dam!”
Eira Ray: “ In times of trouble we should do what they would do at the Stormont Parliament Buildings and have a democratic vote or blow up the boat with Semtex and destroy the evidence….I have a friend called Sean Finn you know!” winking with her eye.
Rhodes Drage: “ We could just wait till dark and tip his body into the Nile and report him missing later?”
Eira Ray: “ We wouldn’t want to give a Rivers of Blood speech to the Egyptian Authorities……besides there aren’t any Nile Crocodiles left this side of the Aswan Dam to dispose of the body!”
Jane Dough: “ We could just prop him up in the bed as if he is ill and tell the crew he is not to be disturbed…..I will bring him his meals to our room until Aswan !” she suggested.
Miss Marble : “ But there still leaves us with one big problem….there is still a murderer present on this boat and it could be any one of you lot!”
Nile Rogers: “ What about you….who do you think you are?....An amateur ColleenRooney?”
Chic Rogers: “ Yes…why are you above suspicion …while you point that bony wrinkled finger at the rest of us?”
Miss Marble : “My Heroine Agatha Christie wrote seventy five novels and fourteen shortstories and not once does an elderly spinster turn out to be the murderer!”
Len Scrafter: “ Not even in that Ku Klux Klan based novel? ….Ten Little ....” he was interrupted by Phil Le Delphia.
Phil Le Delphia: “ Us woke lefty lawyers do not use that word anymore ….but I agree withMiss Marble not even Hercule Poirot would point the finger at an innocent old lady….that would be ageist and flawed logic ….besides the noise of her zimmer clumping on this Lebanon Cedar wood floor would have given her away….!”
Eira Ray: “ Coming from Ireland, I have lived amongst murderers all my life so anotherweek or so won’t bother me….can we go to a vote now!….raise your right hand if you agree with the plan to postpone reporting the missing body until Aswan!”
The shell- shocked passengers raised their hands in turn starting with Eira Ray. Then Jane Dough.Dr De’ath.Phil Le Delphia.Rhodes Drage.Nile Rogers.Chic Rogers.Miss Marble.The only one hesitant was Len Scrafter- they all stared at him.
Len Scrafter: “ What ….I don’t want to be unpopular….but on this occasion I won’t be the one to blow the whistle!” He protested.Jane Dough- thinking off her inheritance started subliminally to hum ‘Crocodile Shoes’ by Jimmy Nail.
Eira Ray: “ It is unanimous….we all plead ignorance ….and pretend John Dough is missing until his partially eaten body turns up just like Steve Irwin and we blame the crocodiles and hippos for his death….we just need to remove the knife first and stem the blood flow….DrDe’ath can you stitch him up?”
Dr De’ath : “ Of course…we doctors took a Hippo- cratic oath…we have long been able to bury our mistakes….look how long it took the authorities to catch Dr Harold Shipman!”
Eira Ray: “ Talking about stitch ups ….my Father was a member of the Guildford Four Pub bombings and served fourteen years in jail for an offence he didn’t commit …so it would be sweet revenge to get one over on the justice system this time….in the interim, I suggest we appoint Miss Marble here to investigate this Death on the Nile!”
Miss Marble: “Who is Deaf on the Nile?”
Jane Dough: “ No one Miss Marble…but just like Jeffrey Epstein’s Black Book we do have a John Doe here and unlike Epstein we can’t afford to hang around!”
Rhodes Drage: “Besides they say that once you lose one of your senses the others are enhanced!” nodding at Miss Marble.
Miss Marble: “ Well my investigative sense is already enhanced….I know exactly who the killer is….but the big question is do you? If we all meet upstairs at the dinner table I will ENDEAVOUR to reveal the answer after we have all had the house speciality soup….having been on this cruise several times….it is to diefor!”
Scene 3 - the dinner table.
Omar God and his crew have prepared a delicious lunch of a local Soup delicacy.
Omar God: “ We have copied each of your passports and will return your original credit cards after dinner today….it is important that you all eat the food at the same time …..it creates a family atmosphere and bonds travellers on this unique experience!”
Just like an episode of TV show Death in Paradise, the passengers sat with baited breath hungry not only for food but also to find out what Miss Marble had discovered - she seemed so certain she knew the identity of the killer.
Miss Marble: “ I hope everyone enjoyed their meal ….one thing is certain you will never taste a meal like that again!”
Eira Ray: “ That soup was delicious Omar….what was it called?”
Omar God: “ Cleopatra’s Soup….a bowl fit for a Queen on the Nile!”
Jane Dough: “ It was so moreish ….if only my husband was still alive ….he would badger you for the recipe with his rolling pin cocked!”
Lens Scrafter: “ I have travelled the World …been on cruises on the Panama Canal and through the Amazon from Manaus to Puerto Rico but I have never tasted anything so divine….it even beats our home grown five star restaurants of McDonalds & KFC !”
Nile Rogers: “ If my new wife can cook anything like meal I will be a happy man….only this morning I asked her how she wanted her eggs this morning and she replied….Fertilised!”
Chic Rogers: “Omar God…what is the secret ingredient?”
Omar God: “ Ah…now I recognise that voice…I thought you were calling my name from the Honeymoon Suite earlier on!”
Miss Marble: “ If Omar reveals his secret he would have to kill you all as it goes back millennia- he calls it Gordon Ramses Soup because he says everyone swears by it!”
Phil Le Delphia: “ Well Miss Marble don’t keep us in suspense any longer…who amongst us is the murderer?”
Miss Marble: “ I will give you a few minutes to digest things!”The entire table started to belch & burp- just as is the Arab custom when I good Mcmeal has been provided.
Miss Marble: “ Oh that’s easy….it was me all along!” she said leaving go of her zimmer andwalking upright like Keyser Soze at the end of the film the Usual Suspects.Phil Le Delphia clutches at his throat as one by one do each of the passengers.
Miss Marble: “ Omar here and I set up this little venture three years ago now…we lure people to Egypt….take their passports and credit cards and bury their bodies in the Sudanese desert ….the soup you all ate contained a secret ingredient alright…deadly venom from theEgyptian Asp …the kind that killed Cleopatra 2000 years ago …if you had bothered to learn the Egyptian language you would have discovered that Dhabihah means ‘slaughterhouse’in Islamic - the ritual slaughter of multiple animals at the same time!’
Phil Le Delphia : “ But they know our whereabouts at the Hotel!” struggling to talk for the first time in his life before gurling and choking.
Miss Marble : “My friends at the Kempinski Nile Hotel will swear they never saw you and the US and British Embassies don’t care ….ask Nazanin Zaghari- Ratcliffe…when you meet her in the after- life!”
Dr De’ath: “ That explains it….as his head dropped to the table….I wondered why the trave lbrochure was called the Book of the Dead !”
Miss McMarble: “ Deaf initly!”
Worldcub's new album 'Back To The Beginning' out 17th of May, a trippy jaunt through past lives and memory
By Ceri Shaw, 2024-04-09
Worldcub release their new album ‘Back to the Beginning’ is out 17th of May. New single 'One Small Mistake' out on the 12th of April.
Worldcub invites you on a jaunt through past lives and memory with their brand new concept album 'Back To The Beginning' a carefully crafted collection of tracks containing sharp hooks, joyous West Coast pleasure trips and contemplative stop-offs along the way. Beguiling lead single and title track rumbles through time and space, that opens up new worlds on the arms of a kraut rock groove. spacey guitar licks, splashes of keyboards, floating harmonies, the vocal interplay guides you deep into the mind's eye of a melody, at once both wistful for a past and for a future of unknowns.
Worldcub, are a group from North Wales piloted by brothers Cynyr (guitar & vocals) and Dion Hamer (drums & vocals), they began their musical journey under the name CaStLeS, taking influence from 70s/80s Paul McCartney and DIY ‘Fantastic Man’, William Onyeabor . They produce material from their home studio on the hills of Eryri, splicing together elements of surf guitar music, kraut-rock grooves and hypnotic psych tinged Cymru vocal harmonies.
Through fourteen lucid and addictive tracks ‘Back To The Beginning’ journeys through wormholes, keyholes and time warps. 'Grog' is an awesomely woozy trip, fantastic surf guitars decorate a pulsing percussive tapestry, trippy and lilting vocals, it could be something lifted from the famous Nuggets compilations. Haunting ‘One Small Mistake’ with its lucid melodies, almost bossa nova rhythms and bouncing psych pop sound, is an off kilter delight. The album also contains previous single 'Look through the Keyhole' is a hypnotic, West Coast tinged, surf inspired jaunt through past lives and memory. The record also contains Welsh language tracks the gleaming ‘Hel Y Hadau’ and the iridescent entwined melodies, 70s fuzz guitar and insidious percussion of ‘Pwysau Yn Pwyso’ which translates as a Pressing Matter.
Their self-released, site-specific themed debut album Fforesteering gained coverage on major platforms such as The Guardian and UNCUT Magazine, with air time on BBC Radio 6 Music, BBC Radio 1, BBC Radio Cymru & Wales. The band also earned their debut performance slot on the BBC Introducing stage at Reading & Leeds Festival and found success playing shows as part of the 'Horizons 12' scheme; which included a recording session at the historic Maida Vale Studios in London.
After an extensive run of live shows, including festivals such as Liverpool Sound City, Liverpool Psych Fest, Farmfest and more recently BreakOut West in Canada and main support to Public Service Broadcasting at FOCUS Wales Festival, Worldcub emerge again with a new catalogue of material for 2024 along with band members; Calvin Thomas on Bass and Jasmine Roberts on guitar.
Tour dates:
http://www.twitter.com/worldcubworld
http://www.worldcub.bandcamp.com
The era we refer to as “prehistoric Wales” comprises three periods: the Stone Age, Bronze Age, and Iron Age. What makes these ages prehistoric? They are the periods of human history that transpired before written records of events. For Wales, this is anything before 48 AD when the Romans invaded.
In terms of human occupation and settlement, prehistoric Wales covers the years from about 228,000 BC to 48 AD, when the Romans began their military campaign against the Welsh tribes. The timeline is based on the earliest human remains discovered in Wales, which date to 230,000 years ago—those found at Pontnewydd Cave just outside St. Asaph in North Wales. The period from 228,000 BC to 48 AD encompasses the Stone Age, Bronze Age, and Iron Age.
However, because the last Ice Age left the climate inhospitable until about 12,000 years ago, it wasn’t until the Mesolithic Period (Middle Stone Age) that people began to settle in Wales more permanently. This early settlement period continued into the Neolithic (New Stone Age) and concluded with the end of the Bronze Age in 800 BC. So, the prehistoric human settlement timeline in Wales runs from approximately 10,000 to 800 BC. This time span within prehistory has given us some of Wales’ most intriguing and mysterious ruins.
Prehistoric Wales: The Earliest Beginnings
When does the story of prehistoric Wales begin? Well, that depends on how far back you’d like to go. The tale of the place we now know as Cymru begins before Great Britain was even an island. 450,000 years ago, the peninsula began to separate from the continent of Europe. Caught in the throes of its current Ice Age, the area that would become Great Britain was more like a tundra in Siberia than the green hills and fields we know today. The splitting away from the European land mass happened in two stages: 1) a separation by water and 2) a much later, complete separation of the land itself.
First, the chalk ridge between what is now Dover, England, and Calais, France, cracked when a lake flooded. This event breached what had been acting as a natural dam. As the Ice Age ended, the rising water completely filled the valley between the two areas. That was the point where Britain first lost its connection to the mainland.
However, it wasn’t until much later, in 6,100 BC, that the British peninsula broke away from the continent completely. A violent tsunami struck—one of the largest tsunamis ever to occur on Earth. It turned the lowland areas into what is now the North Sea and the southern marshlands into the English Channel. Britain became an island. A small part of it would one day become Wales.
A modest hunter-gatherer population of perhaps 5,000 called the island home. Although the tsunami no doubt took some lives, those who survived would leave behind artifacts and monuments to tell us stories of the prehistoric world they lived in.
Stone Age Wales
Although Wales didn’t exist as an entity as we know it today, it’s been home to many people since the most primitive times. Neanderthals settled in Wales as much as 230,000 years ago. Archaeologists found stone tools and bones of this extinct hominid species at Pontnewydd Cave near St Asaph. You can view this intriguing find at National Museum Wales .
Our ancestors, Homo Sapiens, arrived much later, near 31,000 BC. Although early hominid remains have been found all over Europe, the earliest known human burial remains were discovered in Wales. Excavation of the site in the sea cave on the Gower Peninsula revealed what came to be known as the “Red Lady of Paviland.” “She” actually turned out to be a man. His bones had been dyed red, and his fellows ritualistically and formally buried him. Most surprising of all is that this occurred around 33,000 years ago!
Prehistoric Sites in Wales
Wales boasts some truly incredible monuments left to us by prehistoric people, such as stone circles, cairns (mounds of stones), and dolmens. A “dolmen” is a megalithic structure created when its builders place a large, flat stone on several upright stones. Dolmens were built in Britain starting in the Neolithic Period , from about 4000 – 2500 BC.
Prehistoric Sites: North Wales
On Ynys Môn (the island of Anglesey), you can find Barclodiad y Gawres burial chamber. Its name translates to “The Giantess’s Apronful.” This dolmen is one of the country’s most impressive examples of its type.
Another burial chamber not to miss while visiting Ynys Môn is Bryn Celli Ddu—“the mound in the dark grove.” This Neolithic tomb is one of Wales’ most famous prehistoric landmarks. It also harbors a fascinating secret. Once a year, the sunrise of the summer solstice shines shafts of light down the passage and illuminates the inner chamber.
Bryn Cader Faner is a Bronze Age ring cairn that lies east of the small village of Talsarnau in Snowdonia National Park. Its name translates to “hill fort flag” in English, with the complete meaning being closer to “the hill of the throne with the flag.” The builders certainly positioned it to make a statement. Looming on the brow of a rise in the remote moorland, it bares its jagged teeth against the horizon as one approaches. This wonder of the prehistoric age consists of a mound of stones surrounded by 15 upright slate pillars. Initially, there may have been as many as 30 standing stones. This site most likely contained a grave beneath the cairn. However, there’s evidence that treasure hunters removed its contents in the 19th century.
Prehistoric Sites: South Wales
At the other end of the country, you’ll find another top-rated and mysterious attraction: Pentre Ifan. Pentre Ifan translates to “Ivan’s Village.” While Pentre Ifan was originally covered with earth to contain the stone burial chamber inside, you can now view it as a group of standing stones. The giant capstone (stone placed on top) appears insecurely balanced. However, it has remained there for 5,000 years!
This dolmen’s “bluestones” are the same material from which Stonehenge in Wiltshire, England is made. These bluestones get their name from their bluish color when freshly broken or wet. They’re composed of volcanic and igneous rocks. The most common types of bluestones are dolerite and rhyolite. Historians still don’t know how the ancient people did it. Yet, somehow, they transported the large stones from Preseli hills in what is now Pembrokeshire, Wales, and erected them on Salisbury Plain in southern England 140 miles away.
Mynydd Y Gelli, sometimes called the “Welsh Stonehenge” or “Rhondda Stonehenge,” is located in Gelli, Glamorgan. It gets its name from one of the mountains surrounding the Rhondda Valley. The burial site is a complex circle of stones about 30 feet in diameter. A low embankment surrounds it. Nearby are three cairns, one of which is in an unusual platform shape. A small standing stone, no longer upright, rests beside it.
Are you looking for a prehistoric Wales map broken down by region? This post on Britain Express about ancient site locations includes a map of ancient sites in Wales.
Stone Age Animals
After the dinosaurs disappeared, a new type of beast dominated the landscape: giant mammals. Herbivores and carnivores alike were massive. At one time, these megafauna lived alongside humans. They eventually went extinct due to the changing climate and human hunting. Not only were they unable to adapt quickly enough to warmer environments and vegetation differences, but they also had to contend with a new apex predator that could throw spears.
Animals by Period
Paleolithic : Prehistoric Wales’ animals of the Old Stone Age were massive compared to the wildlife you’ll find in the country today. Before 8,500 BC, the land was home to not only wooly mammoths but also to giant oxen (aurochs), giant deer, wooly rhinoceros, straight-tusked elephants, cave hyenas, saber-toothed cats, cave lions, and even hippos.
Mesolithic : From 8,500 to 4,000 BC, prehistoric forest started replacing the plains where these giant beasts thrived. During this period, smaller creatures like horses, boar, deer, and foxes began appearing in larger numbers. Meanwhile, the populations of larger animals of the Ice Age began to decline and die out. The native wild horses also go extinct during this period.
Neolithic: As more people settled in farming communities from 4,000 – 2,400 BC, we find the remains of cattle, pigs, and sheep added to the timeline.
Bronze Age: From 2,200 to 700 BC, farming became even more popular, and livestock raising grew considerably. People still hunted deer, boar, ducks, and other water birds. Traders from Eurasia reintroduced horses to the British Isles. Along with cattle, settlers used horses for both transportation and food.
For more prehistoric Wales facts , Cadw, Wales’ historic environment service, has a wealth of information on the subject.
It’s been almost 2,000 years since the period we know as prehistoric Wales drew to a close. However, this exciting age is hardly lost to us. The mysterious monuments of these ancient people still challenge historians as to their construction. They hold us captive with their otherworldly energy. And most importantly, they let us glimpse the idea that almost anything is possible.
SENGL NEWYDD SIULA, 'LUCID LOVE', ALLAN NAWR AR LIBERTINO
Mae Siula, prosiect newydd Llion Robertson ac Iqra Malik, yn plethu pop-sinematig gydag alawon meddal ac mae'u trac diweddaraf, 'Lucid Love', yn gwneud union hynny mewn modd cwbl hudolus.
Yn gerddorol, mae 'Lucid Love' yn gweu alawon chwerw-felys gydag hooks hypnotig, tra bod y curiadau cyson yn cydio'n hiraethus a'n efelychu arddull artistiaid fel y Cocteau Twins a Yazoo.
Eglura Iqra: “Mae’r gân yn daith sy’n dangos cyfnodau o gariad a chaethiwed i rywbeth/rhywun, er eich bod yn gwybod nad ydynt yn dda i chi. Mae'n cyfleu’r da a'r drwg mewn perthynas a'r cryfder a ddaw ar ôl i'r cwbl ddod i ben."
Mae 'Lucid Love' allan nawr ar Libertino!
SIULA'S NEW SINGLE, 'LUCID LOVE', OUT NOW VIA LIBERTINO
Siula’s vivid sound pallet evokes a nostalgic yet futuristic dive into a world of poetic optimism and romantic vulnerability and that's perfectly realised on their new single, ‘Lucid Love’.
The Cardiff-based cinematic pop project from Llion Robertson and Iqra Malik have crafted a song that explores the darker side of love. ‘Lucid Love’ is unafraid to delve into the shadowy corners of the heart and expose hidden desire that can turn into romantic obsession.
Musically we can hear the influence of the Cocteau Twins' beautiful and fragile melodies intertwined with Yazoo’s hypnotic pop hooks to create a song naked in its open hearted vulnerability, even as the dance floor lights blind and the rhythm carries your troubles away.
Iqra explains: “The song is a journey that shows the stages of love and addiction to something/someone that’s bad for you; shows the highs and lows of being consumed by someone and the growth that comes after it’s all over. It’s kind of like looking back on something that you know was harmful but appreciating the euphoria you got from the experience (whilst knowing you’re grown enough to never go back).”
'Lucid Love' is out now via Libertino!
SYBS release new 'Canned Laughter' single via Libertino Sengl Newydd SYBS 'Canned Laughter' Allan Nawr ar Libertino
By Ceri Shaw, 2024-03-29
SENGL NEWYDD SYBS, 'CANNED LAUGHTER', ALLAN NAWR AR LIBERTINO
‘Canned laughter’ yw’r gân gyntaf a ysgrifennwyd ar y cyd rhwng gitarydd SYBS, Kieran Macdonald-Brown, a’r canwr/gitarydd, Osian Llŷr. Mae'n nodi sengl ddwyieithog cyntaf y band a hefyd yn ein cymryd yn gam yn agosach at albwm cyntaf SYBS, fydd allan cyn diwedd y flwyddyn.
Yn drac sydd â dylanwadau sy'n ymestyn o bossa nova i pync, mae 'Canned Laughter' yn dwyn ysbrydoliaeth gan bobl fel Mark E Smith (The Fall) a Dave Datblygu.
Eglura Kieran: "Yn y bôn, 'Canned Chwerthin' ydy fi'n trio 'sgwennu cân SYBS ar ôl cael fy nylanwadu'n fawr gan arddull 'sgwennu Osian. Ysgrifennais y riff yn gyntaf cyn gwneud rhyw fath o demo sydyn yn ystod y pandemig. Er hynny, ddo'th y gân 'mond at ei gilydd ar ôl i ni gyd ddod at ein gilydd yn y stiwdio yn Hounslow, ger Llundain, i recordio'r albwm. Yn fano, penderfynom y byddai'r trac yn gweithio'n dda yn ddwyieithog."
Ychwanega Osian: "Yn delynegol, roeddwn i eisiau 'sgwennu cân a oedd yn seiliedig ar fy mhrofiad i o weithio mewn swyddfa. Mae'n dilyn cymeriad unig sydd wedi llwyr colli diddordeb a'u gwaith 9-5 ac yna'n cwestiynu pa mor annheg yw gweld pobl eraill sy'n byw bywydau tebyg ond yn hapus ynddyn nhw ei hunain."
Mae 'Canned Laughter' allan nawr ar Libertino.
SYBS' NEW SINGLE, 'CANNED LAUGHTER', OUT NOW VIA LIBERTINO
‘Canned laughter’ is the first single written in collaboration between SYBS' guitarist, Kieran Macdonald-Brown, and singer/guitarist, Osian Llŷr. It’s also the bands first bilingual song and another step closer to the release of their eagerly anticipated debut album later this year.
‘Canned Laughter’ is bossa nova, post-punk with Mark E Smith meets Dave Datblygu urgent lead vocals pulling the listener in to be fully immersed in the bands exciting musical world. Kieran and Osian explain the background to the creation of their unique and compelling new single.
Kieran explains: "Basically ‘Canned Laughter’ is me trying to write a SYBS song, having been greatly influenced by Osian's writing style after a long stretch gigging throughout 2019, particularly in the summer. Writing the riff firstly, then making a sort of off-kitler muzak/Splatoon inspired demo when the pandemic kicked off. It wasn't until we got together to record the majority of the album in Hounslow that the arrangement, while still maintaining the casiotone beat and the quacky autowah lead lines, was fully worked out with Daf's drums and a heightened angst likely influenced by impending uni finals, the style beginning to lean more into bossa post-punk.
Synths and percussion were overdubbed a bit further down the line, keeping the electric organ sound but adding a g-funk-esque lead synth, at that time very influenced by GTA San Andreas theme. Then me and Osian, deciding it would be fitting to make it a bilingual song, decided to run with the more angsty/paranoid feeling."
Osian adds: "Lyrically, I wanted to write a narrative song, somewhat loosely based on my own experience of office work. It’s about a character who’s going through the motions at their 9-5 who’s lost a sense of purpose with their work, clocking out and wasting away the rest of their day watching sit coms, and becoming envious of these characters' positive outlook on life in spite of their repetitive lifestyle.
Eventually the character begins to spiral after a few too many instant coffees, loses grip on reality and begins to feel they themselves are in one of these sit coms, in a Truman show-esque sense, with every decision made for them already. Essentially it’s a meditation on ideas of free will, and what it is that gives us a sense of purpose and meaning".
Why is ancient woodland in Wales so rare and valuable? Forests with trees dating back to at least the year 1600 cover only about 2 – 2.5% of the United Kingdom. However, these woods are the most biodiverse habitats in the country, are home to native Welsh broadleaf trees, and contribute to the environment in unique ways.
Why are areas designated ancient woodland in Wales special? These forests, which date back at least 400 years, are the most complex environment in Great Britain. They protect wildlife, help the environment through soil and air quality, and preserve another piece of Wales’ rich history.
Wales’ forests provide a haven for more threatened wildlife species than anywhere else on the island. The undisturbed soils and centuries of decaying wood in these forests have created the perfect climate for fungi, slugs, snails, and insects. Many species of birds and mammals also reside in these natural sanctuaries.
These ancient woodlands also positively impact the environment by removing carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and preventing land erosion. They can help keep large earthworks in place. Many ancient woods are also important archaeological sites that preserve the past. Stone circles, dolmens, burial mounds, and other structures have been found in these living history museums made of ash and oak.
The Four Classifications
There are four different classifications of ancient woodland.
“Ancient semi-natural woods” are those that have developed naturally. Humans didn’t plant the original woodlands, although people used timber from these forests. These areas have had continuous woodland cover for at least 400 years.
“Plantations on ancient woodland sites” are ancient forests in which the trees have been cut down and replanted with non-native species. Usually, these non-native species are coniferous (pine trees, etc). However, these areas still have the complex soil found in ancient woodland. Environmentalists are working to restore these areas.
“Restored ancient woodland sites” are forests that once contained more than 50% non-native species but now contain less than 50% due to human efforts at restoration. They’ve had continuous woodland cover for at least 400 years. While people have restored these forests to a more natural condition, the woods aren’t necessarily in good ecological condition or wholly restored.
“Ancient woodland sites of unknown category” may fall into any of the three mentioned categories. It may be a forest that is going through a transition phase. Therefore, it may contain shrubs, trees that have been removed, young trees, or ground that is being made ready for planting.
Ancient Woodland Inventory
The first inventory maps date back to the 1800s. In more recent times, the Forestry Commission Wales performed an initial count of Wales’ ancient woodlands in the 1980s. At that time, the count recorded 62,000 hectares or 153,205 acres. However, newer digital mapping in 2012 showed that ancient woodland in Wales is much larger than that. This new count shows 95,000 hectares or 234,750 acres. It also means that the ancient woodland areas make up 30% of all forests in Wales.
There are 20 woodland Special Areas of Conservation, which are protected habitat areas in the United Kingdom. These protected sites in Wales also belong to the Natura 2000 network of European protected wildlife sites . These areas are safeguarded by European and international law.
Why is this significant? Well, for several important reasons.
Forestry Commission Wales is responsible for protecting these forested areas from development. A complete ancient woodland map helps guarantee that no sites become neglected or developed due to improper zoning.
The trees in Wales’ ancient forests date back at least 400 years. Some of the most common native tree species include ash, oak, and birch. Other ancient woodland tree species include beech, sycamore, alder, rowan, cherry, hazel, hawthorn, and holly.
Ancient woodland in Wales is one of the country’s most abundant wildlife habitats. These woods are also home to more threatened species (at least 152) than anywhere else in the United Kingdom.
Are Areas Designated as Ancient Woodland in Wales Left Completely Wild?
The short answer is “no.” No ancient woodland in Wales has been left completely undisturbed. However, there are areas where the woodland is semi-natural, meaning that some parts of it have been left relatively undisturbed.
However, these areas are managed responsibly, and their resources are used with care. Ancient woodlands provide a certain amount of sustainably sourced timber. Because of this use, the woodlands also give people jobs, which helps the economy.
How These Natural Areas Help the Environment
By leaving enough of the forests in their natural state, the woodlands also aid in an action called “carbon sequestration.” Carbon sequestration is when carbon dioxide is removed from the Earth’s atmosphere, captured, and stored. There are two types: Biological and Geological. In biological carbon sequestration, carbon dioxide is captured and stored in vegetation, soil, and oceans. With geological carbon sequestration, carbon dioxide is secured and stored underground in rock formations. This second type is generally done industrially via machinery, whereas biological capture happens naturally.
When Wales’ ancient woodlands are protected and managed sustainably, their ecosystem remains strong in helping to remove carbon dioxide from the atmosphere. In fact, grasslands, rangelands, and forests capture about 25% of the world’s carbon emissions. Since the buildup of CO2 and other greenhouse gasses can contribute to climate change , the forests’ natural air-cleansing properties are vital to life on Earth.
How Can I Find Ancient Woodland Near Me?
Each country in the United Kingdom keeps its own records of ancient forests. For an ancient woodland UK map, you can use Woodlandr to locate an ancient woodland near you by entering your postcode. This database covers ancient woodland in Scotland, Wales, and England.
To find a complete list of ancient woodland in Cymru, please consult an ancient woodland in Wales map . Below are a few examples of sites that are well worth the drive.
South Wales
Tenby, Wales, was built in the Middle Ages and is still enclosed by a remarkably intact wall. In this charming seaside town, you can find Pembrokeshire Coastal National Park . It’s the only national park situated on the coast anywhere within the United Kingdom. Within it is Pengelli Wood, an ancient oak woodland with clearly marked footpaths. Pengelli Wood is one of the largest ancient oak forests remaining in Wales.
Ty Canol is another forest in the national park, and this one dates back some 6,000 years. The landscape is atmospheric and mysterious, with its moss-covered trees and rocks. A 2.5-mile circular walking trail will take you around the wood and through a small section of it. You’ll continue on a dirt track once you reach the ancient woodland from the park.
Wentwood Forest is another of South Wales’ ancient woodlands. This enchanted place is steeped in folklore and hosts a stone circle older than Stonehenge, which was built around 4,500 years ago. There’s also a Bronze Age burial mound about a mile to the north of Gray Hill.
North Wales
In North Wales, Erlas Black Wood is a small ancient woodland of about 2.5 hectares enclosed by the Wrexham Industrial Estate. This wood is quite an exciting find. It survived the Second World War when factories were built in the surrounding area to make artillery. It’s home to some very large oak and ash trees. Erlas Black Wood also provides the perfect environment for delicate and beautiful spring flowers such as yellow lesser celandines, wood anemones, dog violets, and vivid magenta early purple orchids.
Few people know that North and Mid Wales boast ancient woodlands known as “Celtic Rainforests.” Yes, those are really a thing! While the biggest rainforests are located in the tropics, rainforests exist in cooler climates, too. Most of Wales’ Celtic Rainforests are located in the river valleys of rural Ceredigion, Powys, and Gwynedd. A few to check out are Llechwedd Einion , Coed Cwm Einion woodland, and Coed Felenrhyd and Llennyrch .
The Din Lligwy prehistoric Celtic settlement in Anglesey, Wales, is surrounded by ancient woodland. Here, amidst oak and ash trees, you’ll find an Iron Age village, a Neolithic burial chamber, and an old and quite charming stone church.
How to Identify Ancient Forest
If you’re out for a stroll and spot a lovely forest you’d like to explore, how can you tell if it’s ancient woodland? You may have to consult an ancient woodland inventory to get confirmation. However, below are a few indicators of whether you’ve encountered an ancient woodland.
- Trees: Guelder rose, Lime, small-leafed, Wild service tree, Spindle
- Flowers: Bluebell, Wood anemone, Primrose, Lily-of-the-valley, Wild garlic, Dog’s mercury, Red campion
- Ferns: Scaly male fern, Hard fern, Hart’s tongue fern
- Lichens: Barnacle lichen, Lungwort lichens
- Slugs: Lemon slug
- Evergreen perennial: Pendulous sedge
- Fungus: Hazel gloves fungus
- Insects: Violet click beetle
The boundaries of ancient woodland may resemble ditches or banks. They might have overgrown hedges, boundary trees, or correspond with parish boundaries on old maps.
There may also be evidence that humans used it in earlier times. Some telltale signs include the remains of mine pits, furnaces and hearths used for roasting ore, and trees that show signs of being cut back.
The only drawback of stumbling upon an ancient woodland is that you may not want to leave! But don’t worry. Sometimes, you can find areas in woodland Wales for sale, like in 2023 when 28 acres of ancient Pembrokeshire coastal woodland went on the market.
With tongue-in-cheek humour throughout, the themes of ‘Domestic Majestic’ revolve around self-care in the face of the difficult and mundane early-2020s. Here’s the Email is the band at its angriest and mostdestructive - presenting the perspective of the disgruntled office worker, now working from home, juxtaposing corporate life lyrics with jagged post-punk chaos. “Here’s the email / Hope you are safe and well / Hope your family’s well.”
On the other end of the spectrum you have Petrol Station Flowers , perhaps the most different and defiant song on the album which could be described as ambient chamber pop. The ghostly slide guitar, reverberating synths and crisp percussion join together as a monumental cloud. It would be the band’s most romantic statement yet if it wasn’t for Better With You, a song which started life as a synth line run through various bass guitar pedals, forming the backbone of the melody. The guitars, trying to find a
way in, pull from classical music tropes rarely heard in rock music. This results in a bombastic, spy movie feel.
'Domestic Majestic Tracklist'
1. Yes Man
2. Here’s the Email
3. Treat Yourself
4. Better with You
5. Me but not Tired
6. Cat Pose
7. The Grand Burstin Hotel
8. Petrol Station Flowers
9. U OK?
10. Little Bird
John Kennedy, Radio X
Bethan Elfyn, BBC Radio Wales
Gary Crowley, BBC Radio London
Adam Walton, BBC Introducing
God Is In The TV Zine
“Silent Forum are a combination of shadowy post punk and the more accessible side of indie rock. Theymove from cold and brooding to nervy, and almost overbold.”
Destroy//Exist
“Silent Forum provide a cinematic take on broody indie rock… The band melds thrumming guitar linesand emphatic vocals with an unwavering beat.”
Buffablog
“So many textures and layers...the rippling guitars and the wall of voices that hit you when you first listen to it...i'm absolutley obsessed'
Molly Palmer, BBC Radio Wales
Gillie' releases new 'Yn Y Bore' EP via Libertino // 'Gillie' yn rhyddhau EP newydd 'Yn Y Bore' ar Libertino
By Ceri Shaw, 2024-02-24
‘Yn Y Bore ’ is a body of work that capture life changing moments, emotionally, spiritually and geographically over the last two years for singer / songwriter / producer Gillie . It is the first material the Carmarthenshire born artist has written in the Welsh language and the first songs written and recorded after her return to live in Wales after spending her late teens and early twenties in London.
Deeply influenced by place, Gillie blends musically on songs that make up ‘Yn Y Bore’ gold-flecked guitar loops into an ambient haze on top of relentless driving rhythms. Gillie harnesses the anxieties, stress and struggles of modern life, weaving them into something unapologetic and inherently intimate.
Gillie explains:
“There have been a lot of changes in my life over the time I wrote this collection of songs. It captures a chapter of two years, with lots of uncertainty and big changes - as this track title suggests, I wanted to end the EP on something that says it's all going to work itself out by the arrival of the morning.
This is the first collection of tracks that I have ever released in Welsh, and it feels nice to bind them together within an EP. These songs are really special to me; I can hear the journey that I have gone on as an artist when I listen to them, and a growth in confidence. They are in chronological order with regards to when they were written and released, so I feel it takes the listener on a journey too.
There are moments of light and dark throughout all four tracks, which perfectly encapsulates my feelings around uncertainty and change. It was really cathartic to explore space and texture within this EP, and lay a foundation for what’s to come next.”
