On The Job

By Ceri Shaw, 2024-05-07

Screenshot from 20240507 143555.png

“Good afternoon and thank you for finally attending this Job Start Interview!” Said the Civil Servant.

“You’re welcome Mr Isious!” replied the attendee politely-reading the name badge on the Official- with all the charm of a gentleman that had been to Gordonstoun and then Dartmouth Naval College.

“ Mr Andrew Albert Christian Edward Windsor I presume,…do you have any photographic identification on you to prove this fact?” asked the former DSS snooper.

“Sorry…one doesn’t carry a wallet around with me…money is vulgar…hang on …One has a photograph of oneself flying a helicopter in the Falklands War …would that suffice…is that what you are Sea King?” Asked the eighth in line to the throne of England, passing over a tattered old Kodak snapshot, now yellowing with age.

“Not really but it will have to do…don’t forget you won’t be allowed to vote at the next General Election without proper identification documents you know!” replied the know -it - all Government employee reading from the YouGov site.

“ So why is one here….is one in trouble?” asked the disgraced Royal.

“Not compared to recent events….you are here because officially you have not worked since 2002 when you left the Navy!” Replied the jobsworth.

“That’s 21 years to be precise and you are only aged 63 and therefore still of an age that you are eligible to work!” He continued.

The Duke of York gulped nervously but didn’t sweat it.

“So according to our Government records, you are receiving State benefit from the Sovereign Grant , formerly the Civil List, to the tune of £250,000.00 ….the question is are you actively looking for work?” the interviewer said looking over his bifocal glasses.

“Well ….stuttered the Prince….my Mother has only recently died …!”

“That was over six months ago in September 2022!” Continued the Questioner.

“And what about the previous two decades….were you just F***ing about?” asked the Civil Servant turning very uncivil.

“Look…one told that BBC Lady, Emily Mattress, in my other interview that one doesn’t drink coffee and therefore haven’t been anywhere near a Maxwell House!” denied the Duke.

“So what exactly have you been doing since your last recorded job in 1982?” Asked Mr Icious.

“Do you have a first name ?” Asked Andrew.

“Of course…it’s Malcolm!” Replied the Government Employee.

“May one call you Mal?….Mr Icious?” Queried the Duke.

“Most certainly NOT!” Replied the Job Centre Plus Interviewer.

“This is a formal interview to determine if you deserve to continue to receive handouts from the state!” He continued.

“So other than playing around with your chopper for two decades…what exactly have you
been doing?”

“Well…one has been waving a lot …!” replied the Royal with absolute sincerity.

The interviewer furrowed his brow and stared at the Duke.

“Mainly from the deck of the Royal Yacht Britannia…!” he stuttered.

“ Do you know the song a life on the ocean ‘wave’ is better than going to sea?” Said the posh

“Is that why you are called Handy Andy then?….I thought it was for a different reason!” said Malcolm turning the Royal colour Purple, apoplectic with rage.

“Well we both sponge money off the Taxpayer don’t we?” Said Andrew trying to find ‘common’ ground with the commoner.

“ You mean as a civil servant I am obliged to accept a below inflation pay award and work till I am 67 …five years longer than any Frenchman …whilst you live the life of Riley….it’s complete nonsense!”

“Some would say nonce-sense actually!” Replied the Sniggerer.

“And don’t mention Frogmore please….it’s still a sore point with my family!”

“So are you claiming too for any dependents?” Asked the Interviewer.

“Yes, for one’s daughters Beatrice & Eugenie !” The Royal outcast said.

“ And how old they…are they still in school or full time education?” Malcolm pressed

“Let me see Beatrice is 34 and Eugenie 32 and of course Sarah my other dependent is 63!” Andrew continued.

“Don’t any of them have their own jobs?” Asked Malcolm absolutely flabbergasted.

After three long minutes of laughing from Andrew he replied “Are you serious?”

Looking around the whitewashed walls of the Windsor Job Centre, he uttered.

“Come on…who set this up ….Michael McIntyre or Ant n Dec?”

“Can’t be Jeremy Beadle….he is no longer about after all!”

“This isn’t a laughing matter, Mr Windsor…I am here to make sure that you find work or we stop your State ‘benefit’ like everyone else in this Country!” said the official in a more Mal Icious tone.

“So what skills do you have?” Asked Malcolm.

Andrew racked his brain and repeated “Waving?”

“There are several job opportunities available working in the Pizza Express Woking Branch….do you know it?” asked the Interviewer.

“No!” Replied the Duke immediately.

“Never been there in my life….oops…on second thoughts one went there with one’s daughter on the night that one DIDN’T go to Tramp nightclub…!”

“What perks do you get ?”

“Well it is a bit like the Hooters restaurants they have in Canada and the US with young girls serving in skimpy outfits only with different ‘toppings!” said Malcolm luring the new Prince of Darkness in to bite.


The Duke was now leaning forward at the desk.

Malcolm lifted the telephone up and spoke into it.

“Susan…would you be good enough to bring me in the Pizza Express bakery job application forms for the Woking branch….you will find them under the
P- Dough File!”

Andrew looked suspiciously at the Official he had heard that word chanted a lot when he was in Buckingham Palace ever since he had innocently paid Three Million Pounds to a charity suggested by a girl he had never met.

“You are aware that the allegations about One and Miss Go Free were never proved in a Court of Law do you? said the Duke rather testily.

“Not my concern really!” Said Malcolm.

“Do you know why One did that free interview with Emily Mattress?” Countered Andrew.

“Former BBC reporter Martin Bashir rang up the Palace claiming he had further evidence….bloody phoney wank statements….how dull does he think one is? …Princess Diana or something?” raged Andrew.

“Oh ‘hang on’….there is also an International Job going as a prison officer at the New York Correctional Centre….sounds like money for old rope…!”said Malcolm looking at his computer screen.

“ Are you still allowed to visit the United States ….?” challenged Malcolm.

“Come to think of it….One does have a lot of Air Miles left on One’s frequent flyer account to Palm Beach , Florida….but on second thoughts best not to go there again…you know with all those selfies of people One has never actually met….!” mused Andrew.

“Sauna Tester in IKEA in Kyrgyzstan?” proffered Malcolm.

“You could do that no sweat!”

The evil eye from the Royal followed.

“Why does one have to get a job anyway …surely with all those people coming over in those small boats ….they need a job more than One does…after all…One’s ancestors created the British Empire especially for people who DO have the ability to break sweat….!” Replied the oyal in a posh voice.

“Oh they are fast tracked to Rwanda these days…so the Post-Brexit fruit is still rotting in the fields without anyone to pick it!” said Malcolm.

“Do you fancy a try?….after all you have a plum in your mouth most of the time anyway!”
He continued.

Andrew leaned in and whispered

“One thinks we both know that neither One nor One’s family are ever going to do REAL work as we are too important to the British economy given the amount we bring in from tourism?” Replied Not so Handy.

“How much is that a year?”asked Mal.

“19 Million Pinds!” said the Royal gurning with the pronunciation.

“And the cost to the tax payer for the Sovereign Grant ?” questioned the Interviewer. “Don’t know or care!” Said Andrew churlishly.

“It’s amazing what you can find on the internet especially with a Freedom of Information form these days…..try £369 Million give or take a few clocks…!” Replied the clear Republican.

“ So what is your point exactly?” Asked the peeved Royal feeling more exposed than Prince Harry at a Las Vegas pool party.

“Everyone in Britain must now pay their way or get deported to Rwanda!” said Mal “That’s the most ridiculous thing one has ever heard!” said Andy channelling the late Kenny Everett.

“What about Stanley Johnson up for a knighthood?” asked Mal the inquisitor.

“Point taken!” sniggered Andy.

Posted in: Humor | 0 comments


Mae albwm cyntaf SYBS, 'Olew Nadroedd', yn gapsiwl amser teimladwy o’r cyffro a’r pryderon â ddaw ynghyd wrth dyfu fyny. Er bod y byd o'n cwmpas yn gyffrous a'n lliwgar, mae ymroi yn llawn i'r profiadau newydd hynny yn frawychus ac ar adegau, yn anghyfforddus. Dyna'n union mae Osian Llŷr (cyfansoddwr, prif leisydd a gitarydd SYBS) yn ei gyfleu ar yr albwm.

Eglura Osain: "Yr hyn roedden ni moen cyflawni gyda ‘Olew Nadroedd’ oedd cymryd snapshot o ble oedden ni fel band pan gafodd llawer o’r caneuon eu cyfansoddi; ble roeddem ni’n arbrofi llawer ac yn ceisio ffeindio ein ‘sŵn’, a ble o ni’n agored i fyd o ddylanwadau cerddorol gwahanol.

Cefais fy ysbrydoli gan albyms fel 'I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One' gan Yo La Tengo a 'Fantasma' gan Cornelius, sy'n teimlo fel ryw collages mawr o synau a genres gwahanol, ond sy'n dal i swnio fel eu bod yn perthyn i'r un lle.

Roedd e’n adeg gyffrous iawn yn ein bywydau cyn covid, lle’r oedd y rhan fwyaf ohonom wedi symud i ddinasoedd gwahanol ar gyfer y brifysgol a'n cael yr holl brofiadau newydd yma, ond yn dal i ddod yn ôl i gigio yng Nghaerdydd yn aml iawn. Dwi’n hoffi meddwl ein bo' ni wedi llwyddo i ddal ychydig o’r anhrefn a’r egni o’r cyfnod hwnnw ar yr albwm.

Mae llawer o'r geiriau ar yr albwm yn fyfyriol, yn bryderus a'n ansicr, ond mae'r gerddoriaeth ar y cyfan yn lliwgar, swnllyd, a'n 'llawn'; a dwi'n teimlo bod hynny yn cyfleu'r ddeuoliaeth o ble'r oedden ni pan ddechreuon ni ddod â'r albwm at ei gilydd yn 2018."

Bydd 'Olew Nadroedd' allan ddydd Gwener 3ydd o Fai ar Libertino.




SYBS' debut album, 'Olew Nadroedd', is a moving time capsule of the excitement and wide eye wonder — on one hand fear, and anxiety on the other — of young adulthood. The world outside entices and enthrals yet there is trepidation in fully embracing a life beyond the comfort of childhood. It’s this dichotomy that Osian Llŷr (songwriter, vocalist, guitarist) captures with every note and lyric on SYBS' debut album.

Osian explains: “I think what we wanted to achieve with 'Olew Nadroedd' is a snapshot of where we were as a band when a lot these songs came to fruition; when we were still experimenting with finding our sound, and where we opened ourselves up to a world of musical influences where anything goes.

I was really inspired by albums such as ‘I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One’ by Yo La Tengo and ‘Fantasma’ by Cornelius, that feel like this big collage of sounds and genres, but still manage to sound like they’re coming from the same source.

It was a really exciting time in our lives pre-covid where most of us had moved to different cities for university and were having all these new experiences, but still gigging in Cardiff very frequently, and I like to think we’ve managed to capture some of that chaos and energy in the album.

A lot of the lyrics are reflective, anxious and uncertain but the music for the most part is vibrant, noisy, and almost hyperactive; and I feel like that really captures the dichotomy of where we were at when the album started coming together around 2018. You have all this enthusiasm and curiosity for the world but you’re not really sure what to make of any of it or what you’re meant to be doing, so you end up being open to everything.”

'Olew Nadroedd' is out this Friday 3rd May via Libertino.




Posted in: Music | 0 comments

Susan Walton

AmeriCymru: Hi Sue and many thanks for agreeing to this interview. Care to introduce yourself and your work for our readers? 

Sue: Hello! It’s a pleasure to be here. ‘Here’ for me is near Porthmadog in North Wales. However, I lived near Aberystwyth in Mid-Wales until I was ten years old, and then lived on Anglesey (Ynys Môn) until my early twenties. 

I currently work as a proofreader and editor of English, and as a Welsh-to-English literary translator. But I didn’t start off that way! 

After school I trained as a cartographer, and then worked drawing maps by hand (that’s how old I am) for various local authorities. I went to university as a mature student, but that still didn’t get me any closer to doing what I do now – my degree is in a science subject. 

By my mid-forties I had some health issues that meant that working from home and at my own pace would be better for me than working in an office, which is what I was doing at the time. I decided to retrain as a proofreader and work freelance, which is what I do now. 

AmeriCymru: What is your Welsh language background? 

Sue: I grew up in Wales, but within a monoglot English family that was culturally English and (mostly) English language social settings. I had to do compulsory Welsh at school, but back when I was at school there wasn’t the same emphasis on the language as there is now, and I failed my Welsh O Level exam at 16. And that was that, or so I thought then. 

After realising that I’d need Welsh to work in the public sector in North Wales, and after many evening classes, I got my Welsh O Level at twenty-seven years of age. I secured a job with the Snowdonia National Park (now Eryri National Park), which meant I moved to live in a very culturally Welsh area. More adult Welsh classes, and just being sunk in a Welsh community, means that I’m now a fluent speaker and comprehender, a reasonably fluent reader, and an adequate writer of emails. 

AmeriCymru: How did you become involved in translation work? 

Sue: Through my proofreading work I was in contact with publishing houses in Wales, and was asked by Myrddin ap Dafydd at the publisher Gwasg Carreg Gwalch to translate poetry selections for a bilingual book called  Hud a Lledrith Llŷn / Llŷn a Magical Place  into English. My Welsh reading skills were still quite shaky at this point. (As an aside: I later learned that being asked to translate literature is quite rare; mostly translators pitch books they think would work in translation to publishers.) 

Since then, I’ve translated another thirteen books for Gwasg Carreg Gwalch, including eight novels for older children. Through doing this my reading skills have improved. I also took the basic Welsh-to-English translation test to qualify for membership of the Cymdeithas Cyfieithwyr Cymru (the association of Welsh translators and interpreters), although I’m no longer a member. 

In 2020 I was the recipient of a mentoring award that was jointly funded by Literature Wales, Wales Literature Exchange, and the UK’s National Centre for Writing. This helped me to expand into translating adult literary fiction, and the outcome is my first translation of a novel for adults,  This House , which was published by 3TimesRebel Press in March 2024. (AmeriCymru readers may be pleased to see that it’s available as an ebook from Amazon.) 

Sian Northey is the author of the original novel, which is called  Yn y Tŷ Hwn . She and I are busy on the promotional trail at the moment as a bit of a double act

. cover.png

AmeriCymru: Where is the best place to go online for anyone seeking a wide selection of Welsh language children's books? 

Sue: The  Gwales  website, which is part of the Books Council for Wales, is a good place to start. Go to ‘Browse by Category’ and you’ll get a list divided into fiction and non-fiction, and by age groupings. However, you should be aware that some of the books listed are adaptations into Welsh of English books, such as those by David Walliams. 

AmeriCymru: You have translated many Welsh language children's books. Any favorites that you would particularly like to mention? 

Sue: The children’s books I’ve translated are by Myrddin ap Dafydd. They are all rollicking adventure stories, as well as providing a fun way of teaching aspects of Welsh history (and other lessons). I think he has done an especially good job with  The Moon is Red Faster than the Swords  and  Fleeing the Fascists . All the novels are exciting, but what these three have in common is particularly gripping scenes of physical jeopardy. 

I also learned a lot by translating them and several of them introduced me to unfamiliar parts of Wales. I try and make a point of visiting the locations where the stories are set. I do this in my own time, of course, and this has made for some interesting trips. I also feel that it helps with the translation process if I have the lie of the land in my head. (Remember, I’m a geographer and cartographer at heart!). 

AmeriCymru: Are you working on any translation projects at the moment? 

Sue: I have just started on my next children’s novel translation for Gwasg Carreg Gwalch. The Welsh version will be out in May – just in time for the Urdd National Eisteddfod – with the title  Rhedyn, Merlyn y Mawn . I guess the English version will be published later this year, or early next. 

Not a current project, but I’d like to translate another of Sian Northey’s novels:  Perthyn . But I guess we need to see how successful  This House  turns out to be before I can consider pitching  Perthyn . I blogged about my year of being mentored while writing  This House , and about the subsequent search for a publisher. If you wish to see whether my  Perthyn  dream comes to fruition, I’m still posting on that  blog  every six months or so. 

AmeriCymru: Any final message for the readers and members of AmeriCymru? 

Sue: If you read any of my translations, I hope you enjoy them!


Posted in: Book News | 0 comments


Sister Envy return with their awesome second single  ‘Tide’  on the 10th of May. The follow up to their warmly received debut single ‘ Mourning Sickness’ , the cinematic psychedelia of  ‘Tide’ , grows from enveloping heart on the sleeve melodies, decorated in a carousel of psych tinged guitars into a sprawling epic anthem.

‘I’ll be the one to saves you’  promises Joliffe in a track that’s woozy, romantic, mysterious yet with a sting in the tail. Gradually swelling into a fuzz laden chorus that has elements of the shoegaze anthems of Ride. Verve or the grungy gaze of early Smashing Pumpkins. It's another fascinating glimpse of Sister’s Envy’s sonic arsenal and world of intrigue and ambition that looks at the horizon beyond their North Walian homes. 

Vocalist and guitarist, Kameron Jolliffe says:  " Tide is the first song we recorded together as a band, I wrote it whilst severely hungover one sunny afternoon, it was one of those days where the moon was visible.. I wrote it about someone i used to see, a toxic relationship that still pulls you in just to inevitably throw you back. "

Sister Envy hail from the North Wales coast, a place of mystery, harshness, and beauty, a place where opportunity is blocked for younger people yet dreams can break through. It’s here that Sister Envy met at college, this fast-emerging Alternative Psychedelic rock quartet are a brand new signing to North Wales label Yr Wyddfa Records Snowdonia(home to Holy Coves). 

Sister Envy have been busy honing their sound in the studio with Welsh producers  Owain Ginsberg (Hippies Vs Ghosts) & Scott Marsden (Holy Coves) over recent months getting ready for the release of a trio of initial tracks. 

Their initial three singles were recorded in Liverpool at the famous Motor Museum Studio with Ben Harper. Mixed in France by Welsh legend Owain Ginsberg and mastered in Austin Texas by American producer Erik Wofford (The Black Angels).  Over the next twelve months, Sister Envy will invite you into their fascinating world over a series of singles releases and shows including a debut performance at Focus Wales in May.  Gradually revealing the different faces of their tapestry of sound and fledgling experience. 

  "Compelling, intense and brooding...something atonal beneath that sets it apart" Adam Walton, BBC Radio Wales .

 “Full of complexities, Verve-esque vibes from the early days, shoe-gaze tonalities with an undercurrent that is reminiscent of bands like Velvet Undergound, a heady blend of rock fused with 60’s psychedelia and delivered in a way that makes your head spin”  Upcoming Bands

“A raw and visceral blend of 90s Brit Rock with a twinge of psychedelic rock, with the spark and earnest nature of the early 2010s NME scene.”  We All Want Someone 

Sister Envy band members

Kameron Jolliffe - Vocals and Lead Guitar

Matty Waring - Guitar

Callum Jones - Bass

Ryan Roberts - Drums

Posted in: Music | 0 comments

A Bit About Welsh Terriers

By Jaime Conrad, 2024-04-26
A Bit About Welsh Terriers

The Welsh Terrier is a small black-and-tan hunting dog bred several hundred years ago in Cymru’s rural mountains and valleys. Like all terriers, this hardy breed has surprising skill at cornering and seizing burrowing or cave-dwelling game, such as foxes, badgers, otters, and vermin

What is a terrier? A terrier is a breed of dog from Wales that was developed to hunt and kill vermin and other small animals. They are known for being small, fearless, and highly intelligent. These dogs are also known for their characteristic “game” or “gameness.” In this context, “game” is a genetic trait that gives dogs eagerness, tenacity, and lots of spirit. 

As the oldest terrier breed in the UK, the Welsh has an exciting history. Perhaps as much as 500 years ago,   farmers in remote parts of Cymru   began breeding this dog. The early Welsh Terrier was bred to keep foxes, rodents, badgers, and other small nuisance critters off their land. By the 1700s, hunters in western Wales used Welsh Terriers to run with the hounds on fox hunts.

Welsh Terrier in Snow.png

Are Welsh Terriers Good Pets?

Yes! Welsh Terriers make great pets. However, because they have big personalities and are so free-spirited, you should understand the following before buying or adopting one. They are not suitable for first-time dog owners.

While they are loyal and form strong bonds with family members, this breed has a medium affection level due to their independence. For comparison, a Brussels Griffon has a high affection level, and an Irish Wolfhound is one of the least affectionate dogs.

Welsh Terriers are hypoallergenic. “Hypoallergenic” in dogs means they produce low amounts of allergens, such as dander, saliva, and urine. They are not droolers and are low-shedders.

Welshies also get along reasonably well with other dogs. This point is important, as some terriers don’t get along so well with other canines. Being a hunting dog, however, if challenged, the Welsh will have no problem fighting another dog. 

Welshies get along with children as long as the kids aren’t too rough with them. For this reason, these dogs are more likely to do well with older, respectful children than young children. 

Welsh Terriers are friendly and playful but also have a mischievous or stubborn streak, which may make training a bit more challenging. 

This tough little dog breed needs  lots  of exercise! So, be ready to take them on walks and have lots of space for them to run around.

Are Welsh Terriers Cuddly?

Yes, they are cuddly and affectionate. Once again, they are loving, though they are not the most affectionate breed out there. They can be independent at times, too. They love their humans, delight in attention, and their loyalty knows no bounds. 

Welsh Terriers have a coarse, dense, wiry outer coat with a softer undercoat. Despite the wiry fur, their relatively small body and loving nature are great for a cwtch. 

How Much Is a Welsh Terrier?

UK: £650 – 1850

US: $1000 – 4000 

Price ranges vary for purchasing Welsh Terrier puppies. The above gives an average range. Please do your research and only purchase animals from reputable sources.

Similarities and Differences Between the Welsh and Other Breeds of Terrier

Airedale Terrier Puppies.png

Welsh Terrier vs. Airedale Terrier

Welsh Terriers are smaller than Airedales. They are more affectionate but need more training and repetition of commands. Their color pattern is very similar. However, the Welshie’s head is more boxed-shaped. Both breeds are hypoallergenic.

Wire Fox Terrier.png

Welsh Terrier vs. Wire Fox Terrier

The Welsh Terrier and the Wire Fox Terrier are about the same size. Wire Fox Terriers generally have a primarily white coat with spots of black, tan, or both. The Welsh is slightly more pet and stranger-friendly but has higher coat-maintenance needs than the Wire Fox. The Welsh Terrier is prone to fewer diseases. 

Softcoated Wheaten Terrier.png

Welsh Terrier vs. Soft-Coated Wheaten Terrier

The Soft-Coated Wheaten Terrier is a medium-sized dog bred in Ireland, larger than the Welsh Terrier. Puppies are reddish-brown and mature into the wheaten-colored coat. Both breeds require patience to train, with the Wheaten being the slightly easier of the two. They are both extremely protective.  

Irish Terrier Puppies.png

Welsh Terrier vs. Irish Terrier

The Irish Terrier is also a medium-sized dog. Despite not being large, they are one of the best watchdogs. Irish Terriers are more affectionate. Neither breed is likely to bite anyone or be aggressive. 

Scottish Terrier Puppy.png

Welsh Terrier vs. Scottish Terrier

Scottish Terriers may be black, wheaten (straw to nearly white), brindle, red, silver, or sandy. Black is the most common. The Scottish Terrier isn’t hypoallergenic like the Welsh Terrier and is also slightly smaller. They are a bit more stubborn than the Welsh but still loving and eager to please. The Scottish Terrier barks and howls more and is more independent. 

Toy Fox Terrier.png

Welsh Terrier vs. Toy Fox Terrier

Toy Fox Terriers, an American breed, look very different. As the name suggests, they are tiny. They are primarily white with tan, black, or chocolate markings. A Toy Fox weighs between 3 ½ and 7 pounds, whereas a Welsh Terrier weighs between 20 and 21 pounds. Having a short coat, they need less grooming than the Welsh. They are both affectionate, but the Toy Fox is more stubborn. The Toy Fox is also not hypoallergenic like the Welsh Terrier.

Posted in: Welsh Stuff | 2 comments


Sister Envy  return with their awesome second single  ‘Tide’  on the 10th of May. The follow up to their warmly received debut single ‘ Mourning Sickness’ , the cinematic psychedelia of  ‘Tide’ , grows from enveloping heart on the sleeve melodies, decorated in a carousel of psych tinged guitars into a sprawling epic anthem.

‘I’ll be the one to saves you’  promises Joliffe in a track that’s woozy, romantic, mysterious yet with a sting in the tail. Gradually swelling into a fuzz laden chorus that has elements of the shoegaze anthems of Ride. Verve or the grungy gaze of early Smashing Pumpkins. It's another fascinating glimpse of Sister’s Envy’s sonic arsenal and world of intrigue and ambition that looks at the horizon beyond their North Walian homes. 

Vocalist and guitarist, Kameron Jolliffe says:  " Tide is the first song we recorded together as a band, I wrote it whilst severely hungover one sunny afternoon, it was one of those days where the moon was visible.. I wrote it about someone i used to see, a toxic relationship that still pulls you in just to inevitably throw you back. "

Sister Envy hail from the North Wales coast, a place of mystery, harshness, and beauty, a place where opportunity is blocked for younger people yet dreams can break through. It’s here that Sister Envy met at college, this fast-emerging Alternative Psychedelic rock quartet are a brand new signing to North Wales label Yr Wyddfa Records Snowdonia(home to Holy Coves). 

Sister Envy have been busy honing their sound in the studio with Welsh producers  Owain Ginsberg (Hippies Vs Ghosts) & Scott Marsden (Holy Coves) over recent months getting ready for the release of a trio of initial tracks. 

Their initial three singles were recorded in Liverpool at the famous Motor Museum Studio with Ben Harper. Mixed in France by Welsh legend Owain Ginsberg and mastered in Austin Texas by American producer Erik Wofford (The Black Angels).  Over the next twelve months, Sister Envy will invite you into their fascinating world over a series of singles releases and shows including a debut performance at Focus Wales in May.  Gradually revealing the different faces of their tapestry of sound and fledgling experience. 

"Compelling, intense and brooding...something atonal beneath that sets it apart" Adam Walton, BBC Radio Wales .

“Full of complexities, Verve-esque vibes from the early days, shoe-gaze tonalities with an undercurrent that is reminiscent of bands like Velvet Undergound, a heady blend of rock fused with 60’s psychedelia and delivered in a way that makes your head spin” Upcoming Bands

“A raw and visceral blend of 90s Brit Rock with a twinge of psychedelic rock, with the spark and earnest nature of the early 2010s NME scene.”  We All Want Someone 

Sister Envy band members

Kameron Jolliffe - Vocals and Lead Guitar

Matty Waring - Guitar

Callum Jones - Bass

Ryan Roberts - Drums sisterenvyband sisterenvyband sisterenvyband

Posted in: Music | 0 comments

Grave Mistake by Phil 'Boz' Evans

By Ceri Shaw, 2024-04-22

Screenshot from 20240422 104412.png

Tony Robinson looked nervously at the television camera. This was a first even for the ‘Time Team’ and its archaeologists. The deep scan of the Norman crypt at Morlais Castle in Merthyr Tydfil had revealed a hollow
chamber behind the inner walls and the readings for metal possible gold and silver were going off the scale.

Tony genuinely believed they had discovered a treasure hoard possibly confiscated from local Celtic chieftains in the 13th Century. He felt giddy at the prospect of being as famous as Howard Carter, who had discovered the
unopened the burial chamber of King Tutankhamen in the Valley of the Kings in Egypt in 1922.

What treasure lay beyond these limestone walls that had remained hidden for 800 years?

He wanted to be recognised and not just being remembered as that ‘Baldprick’ from Black Adder who was ridiculed and bullied by Rowan Atkinson.

Tony scraped away at the remaining millimetres of limestone rock concealing the chamber and finally managed to pierce its inner layer enough to get a flashlight in the tiny aperture. He had been excited at the potential find and had in his childlike state put off using the toilet in all the fuss- he wanted to be the one to have the fame. Besides, there were no longer any public toilets in the Merthyr Town centre due to Council

As he peered inside, he suddenly frightened the film crew who feared a booby trap for a grave robber, as he came face to face with a figure of a Norman soldier completely dressed in armour. The shock made Tony piss himself uncontrollably, as the result of a mixture of fear and anxiety.

There was another more welcoming emotion too- relief -as like Magnus Magnusson on Mastermind he had started so he may has well finish.

“ Oi you mind ?...You’re pissing on my suede shoes!” said the hatted figure of Time Team regular Mick Aston.

The warm of the yellow liquid on a cold grey day in a Valleys cave was welcome, but pleasure quickly became misery as he had ruined his expensive corduroy trousers. The cameraman panned down at the front of them to compound Tony’s misery. Ever the professional Tony said to the screen “ Be careful if you go into limestone caves as there is a lot of water around that can splash your clothes indiscriminately- drips from stalactites go down and stalagmites go up!” he said trying to bluff his way out of the embarrassment.

“ Oh and be careful of incontinent television presenters too ....always give them room to go into a dig case they shit on you!” said Mick taking the mick.

Tony looked at his sidekick with a stare that could kill. He concentrated on the task in hand. He continued to gouge at the circle of wet rock in a circular fashion with a small hand drill until he had enough of a gap to get his head in.

When he had done so, he placed the torch in his mouth and shone it around with a jaw movement . If he hadn’t had to hold the light source in his teeth he would have been open mouthed. “ Is the crypt untouched.....the Norman seal intact?” asked Mick impatiently.

Tony withdrew his head and pass the flashlight to Mick.

“ See for yourself!” he said almost whispering.

Mick peered through the hole like an amateur gynaecologist and his jaw dropped. He could see row after row of Norman soldiers clad in full battle regalia like they originally wore in the 1066 Normandy invasion.

“ We have found the limestone equivalent of the Terracotta Army!” said Mick leaping on Tony in his joy forgetting momentarily that Tony had pissed himself earlier.

“ This is a living Bayeaux Tapestry....its priceless!” said Mick punching the air.

“ I have dreamt of finding something of this magnitude and historical importance all my life -even when I was a homeless student archaeologist....looking for ‘digs’!” said the one time stand in for Worzel Gummidge.

The overpowering smell of urine reached his nostrils, as he too realised he now smelt like he had trench foot.

Tony & Mick began hacking at the remaining wall to allow full bodily access all the while watching out for ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ style booby traps for intended grave robbers.

Mick half expected a giant ball to come rolling out of the darkness or for a crossbow to hit him King Harold style in the eye.

There was however, a warning written in French on a plaque above the head of the first soldier which the pair took to be William of Normandy.

They guessed this was the case as the towering figure was well over six feet tall and had a massive Eric Cantona- style nose .

“I assume that is William the CONKeror!” laughed Tony slipping back into character.

“ Can you read that sign in French?”

“ Of CORSE I CANNES!” quipped back Aston purtting on a phoney French accent and talking quickly.

“ It is a warning that if the seal of this burial chamber is broken the nearby Hamlet will suffer 200 years of decline, depression , famine and flood!” replied Mick.

“ Bit late for Merthyr either that or someone beat us to it!” laughed Tony his voice echoing around a chamber not opened for over half a Millenia.

Tony checked to be sure there were no trip wires in front of him before approaching the Norman Warlord.

“Look at that armour...imagine the weight of carrying that into battle every day!” he said looking up and realising he only came up to the nipple line of the historical figure.

“ I wouldn’t have lasted long against someone his size!”

Mick too was in an orgiastic state seeing such historical splendour laid out in row after row stretching back into the darkness almost as if the army was ready to march on the command from their leader.

“ We are Sooo privileged to be the ones to find this lot!” he said.

The eerie silence was broken as a whooshing sound was heard as a projectile hit the wall near the newly created entrance in the limestone rock. The normally bluey-white rock was suddenly covered in an explosion of orange.

“ Don’t move or Baldprick gets it!” shouted a Welsh voice from the Darkness.

Mick Aston suddenly realised the projectile hadn’t come from the crossbow of a Medieval army but a more modern source of a paintball gun.

“ These figures and any gold and silver in their pouches belong to us!” said another voice.
“ Who are you?” asked Tony.

“ We are the guardians of this chamber and these soldiers are our ancestors- we are the Normans from Bramble Close in the Gurnos and you are standing in our family grave.!” said the first voice obviously the leader.

“ We are from Time Team from the television...perhaps you have seen us on the Discovery Channel?” replied Tony.

“ No!” was the straight reply.

“ We found them in the same way we ‘found’ those frozen cod steaks when someone broke into the Merthyr Tydfil Iceland store....we call it ‘Findus Keepers’ or you might recognise it as ‘Treasure Trove’ a rule established prior to the coming of us Normans in 1066 under Edward the Confessor.” said the musclebound Gurnos Warrior.

“ You on the other hand are trespassers!” boomed the voice filled with the sound of aggression.

“ Do you know what we do in Merthyr to grave robbers?” asked the leader, all 6 ft 8 inches of him enjoying terrorising the minor celebrity.

“ No?” gulped Tony.

“ We eat them!” said the Big Boss.....” Bones and all!”

Baldrick’s incontinence flared up again and he promptly shit himself.

A small trickle of a brown rivulet rolled down from his Don Estelle-style shorts into his socks...turning khaki into kak.

“ I wouldn’t eat him now if I were you !” argued Mick.

Mick had heard of some tribes in Papua New Guinea being headshrinkers and cannibals, but didn’t think it still went on at home in England & Wales.

“ Do you know what we call you English in these parts?” asked the Leader licking his lips.

“ Long Pig!” said the Norman.

“ Do you know why?”

“ We bacon?” stuttered Tony.

“ HG Wells Time Machine we are the Morlocks and you the Eloi...!” said the voice.

“ Is that camera on...filming live to the Nation?” asked the Morlock Leader sharpening a barbecue spit knife.

“ Yes...!” lied the spluttering Tony...hoping it might be his Saviour. 

He knew Merthyr from reports in the Sun newspaper was renowned for having the laziest, un-fittest, workshy bunch of scumbags this side of the Great North/South Divide and had a lower life expectancy than Sierra Leone but cannibalism?

He bumped into the first soldier in the ranks and it fell backwards in a domino effect knocking down row after row of priceless historical limestone figures shattering and cracking them as they toppled one by one.

Tony’s heart was pounding and his blood pressure through the roof- if the Normans would eat him for entering their sanctuary what would they do to him in light of this sacrilege? He suddenly noticed another man stepping out of the shadows who had a familiar rubber face.

“ that you?” asked Tony clutching his chest.

The man responsible for Johnny English , Mr Bean and Blackadder bent over with laugh. He was joined by the fake Normans.

“ No... this isn’t Team Team or Not the 9 O’Clock News ...we are filming but a new edition of Candid

Camera as the BBC has run out of ideas....!” laughed Rowan .

“ Smile for the’s called Rowan’s laugh in!”

“ You bastard Atkinson....I nearly went the way of Mel Smith then...!” said Tony picking up his slurry filled pants that were hanging low like an MC Hammer video.

Looking at the grey limestone colour on Tony’s face , Rowan realised how close he had been to sending another member of the cast of Blackadder to that great Comedy Forum in the sky.

“ I think we both nearly made a grave mistake.!” said Atkinson.

Posted in: Humor | 0 comments

THIS HOUSE by Sian Northey

Translated from Welsh by Susan Walton

Published by 3TimesRebel Press

Plastic-free paperback with French flaps & Wibalin® endpapers

Pages: 190

ISBN 978-1-7391287-9-1

Price £12.99 / e-book £6.99

Screenshot from 2024-04-21 14-57-11.jpg Our first translation from Welsh comes out this March. The fair trade independent publisher 3TimesRebel Press is excited to announce the publication of This House . It is the sixth fiction title in our groundbreaking and debate-sparking catalogue of works in translation written exclusively by women in minority languages. This House is written by Sian Northey and translated by Susan Walton. It is a novel that comes out of a booming Welsh literary scene, as attested by last year’s Yoto Carnegie medal being awarded for a translation of a Welsh YA novel.

Out 21 March 2024

Grief, solitude, and the inner call to be freed from her past are the threads that beautifully and tightly intertwine in this novel.

Anna has lived alone for decades. She is cocooned by, and marooned in, an isolated cottage called Nant yr Aur in the Welsh mountains. The arrival of Siôn, a young man who seems strangely at home in the house, leads to an unpicking of Anna’s past.

As Anna’s relationship with Siôn develops, her perspective on the solidity of her past shifts. Uncertainty, distortion, illusion and subtle betrayal are gradually exposed. Ultimately, a quietly devastating revelation changes the lives of both Siôn and Anna.

Sian Northey writes with economy and precision, setting out what the life of a middle-aged woman with an emotionally complicated past feels like from the inside.

'Astute, understated, compassionate. Sian Northey gently unpicks the threads of love and memory that bind us to place and to each other. A beautiful, glowing gem of a novel, now brought to a wider audience by Susan Walton's wonderful translation.'

Angharad Price, Welsh academic and novelist.

Sian Northey has been a full-time writer for the last fourteen years. Almost all her work is written and published in Welsh. She is the author of three novels for adults, one poetry collection, three short story collections, several scripts, and numerous children’s and teens’ novels. Her novels are Yn y Tŷ Hwn (Gwasg Gomer, 2011), Rhyd y Gro (Gwasg Gomer, 2016), and Perthyn (Gwasg Gomer, 2019). In 2022 she co-edited the bilingual poetry anthology A470: Poems for the Road/Cerddi'r Ffordd (Arachne Press, 2022).

Sian Northey is also a literary translator. She translated into Welsh the memoir The Journey is Home by John Sam Jones, and Alys Conran’s debut novel, Pigeon , which in its original English won the Wales Book of the Year Award in 2017. Both books were published in English and Welsh by Parthian Books in 2021 and 2016, respectively. She recently translated the award-winning The Last Firefox by Lee Newbery (Penguin Random House, 2022) under the title Y Llwynog Tân Olaf (Firefly Press, 2022).

Susan Walton has been commissioned to translate books from Welsh to English for the publishing house Gwasg Carreg Gwalch since 2009. She has had fourteen translated books published, including eight novels for older children/young adults. During 2020 Susan was mentored under the Literature Wales scheme as an emerging literary translator. This House is her first translation of adult fiction.


Based in Dundee, Scotland, and founded by Bibiana Mas, 3TimesRebel Press is an independent publisher like no other, looking to shake up the publishing world and contemporary society.

Challenging the mainstream by being rebel in three ways, 3TimesRebel Press exclusively publish books that are: written in minority languages originally; written by women; and finally written to inspire deep, challenging conversations.

As a pioneering fair-trade publisher, 3TimesRebel Press work to achieve equitable agreements with their authors, translators, illustrators and partners. Their books are locally printed in the UK using responsibly sourced paper, minimising carbon footprint and following environmentally friendly standards. This House is its first plastic-free publication.

3TimesRebel Press are keen to preserve an artisanal feel and meticulous attention to detail in everything they do. Their books are beautifully designed by award-winning master in typography Enric Jardí, and each has a visually striking cover created by a nominated artist.

Website : | X : @3TimesRebel | Instagram : @3TimesRebel


THIS HOUSE gan Sian Northey

Cyfieithwyd o'r Gymraeg gan Susan Walton

Cyhoeddwyd gan 3TimesRebel Press

Clawr meddal cyfan gwbl di-blastig
gyda fflapiau Ffrengig a thudalennau gweili Wibalin®

Tudalennau: 190

ISBN 978-1-7391287-9-1

Pris £12.99 / e-lyfr £6.99

Screenshot from 2024-04-21 14-57-11.jpg Bydd ein cyfieithiad cyntaf o'r Gymraeg yn ymddangos fis Mawrth eleni. Mae'r cyhoeddwr annibynnol marchnad deg 3TimesRebel wedi gwirioni eu bod yn cyhoeddi This House. Hwn fydd y chweched gyfrol ffuglen yn ein catalog arloesol sydd wedi ennyn cryn drafodaeth – cyfieithiadau Saesneg o lyfrau wedi'u hysgrifennu gan ferched mewn ieithoedd lleiafrifol. Ysgrifennwyd This House gan Sian Northey ac mae wedi cael ei gyfieithu gan Susan Walton. Fel y tystia llwyddiant The Blue Book of Nebo yn ennill gwobr Yoto Carnegie mae'r byd yn barod am gyfieithiadau o lyfrau Cymraeg.

Dyddiad cyhoeddi 21 Mawrth 2024

Galar, unigedd, ac angen menyw i gael ei rhyddhau oddi wrth ei gorffennol yw'r llinynnau sydd yn plethu yn dynn a chelfydd yn y nofel hon.

Mae Anna wedi byw ar ei phen ei hun ers degawdau. Caiff ei gwarchod, a'i hynysu, gan Nant yr Aur, ei chartref anghysbell. Yna mae Siôn yn ymddangos, dyn ifanc sydd fel petai'n od o gartrefol yn y tŷ, ac mae hynny'n arwain at ddatod gwead gorffennol Anna.

Wrth i berthynas Anna a Siôn ddatblygu, sylweddola nad yw ei gorffennol mor gadarn ag y dychmygai. Bob yn dipyn datgelir ansicrwydd, twyll a brad tawel. Yn y diwedd mae datguddiad distaw ddinistriol yn newid bywydau Siôn ac Anna.

Mae Sian Northey yn awdur eithriadol gynnil, ac yn cyflwyno bywyd mewnol menyw ganol oed sydd â gorffennol emosiynol gymhleth.

Craff, cynnil a thawel angerddol. Perl o nofel sy'n datod edefynnau cariad a'r cofion sy'n ein clymu wrth le ac i'n gilydd. A braf yw gweld dawn arbennig Sian Northey yn cyrraedd cynulleidfa ehangach trwy gyfieithiad meistrolgar Susan Walton.

Angharad Price

Bu Sian Northey yn awdur llawn amser ers bron i bymtheg mlynedd bellach. Mae wedi cyhoeddi tair nofel i oedolion, un casgliad o gerddi, tri chasgliad o straeon byrion, a sawl llyfr i blant. Mae hefyd yn sgriptio a golygu. Ei nofelau yw Yn y Tŷ Hwn (Gwasg Gomer, 2011), Rhyd y Gro (Gwasg Gomer, 2016), a Perthyn (Gwasg Gomer, 2019). Yn 2022 cyd-olygodd, gyda Ness Owen, A470:Poems for the Road/Cerddi'r Ffordd (Arachne Press, 2022).

Ond mae Sian hefyd yn gyfieithydd llenyddol ei hun. Cyfieithodd gofiant John Sam Jones, The Journey is Home , a nofel gyntaf Alys Conran, Pigeon , i'r Gymraeg o dan y teitlau Y Daith Ydi Adra a Pijin . Yn y Saesneg gwreiddiol enillodd Pigeon Lyfr y Flwyddyn yn 2017 a bu cynhyrchiad llwyfan dwyieithog llwyddiannus. Cyhoeddwyd y llyfrau hyn, yn Saesneg ac yn Gymraeg, gan Parthian. Yn ddiweddar cyfieithodd The Last Firefox gan Lee Newbery (Penguin Random House, 2022) o dan y teitl Y Llwynog Tân Olaf (Firefly Press, 2022). Mae The Last Firefox wedi ennill sawl gwobr.

Mae Susan Walton wedi bod yn cael ei chomisiynu i gyfieithu llyfrau o'r Gymraeg i Saesneg ar gyfer Gwasg Carreg Gwalch ers 2009. Bellach mae tri ar ddeg o lyfrau a gyfieithwyd ganddi wedi'u cyhoeddi, gan gynnwys saith nofel ar gyfer plant hŷn neu oedolion ifanc. Yn ystod 2020 derbyniodd Susan fentoriaeth dan nawdd cynllun Llenyddiaeth Cymru ar gyfer cyfieithwyr llenyddol newydd. Dyma'r tro cyntaf iddi gyfieithu nofel lenyddol ar gyfer oedolion.


Lleolir y wasg yn Dundee yn yr Alban a chafodd ei sefydlu gan Bibiana Mas. Mae 3TimesRebel yn gyhoeddwr annibynnol unigryw a'r nod yw gweddnewid y byd cyhoeddi a chymdeithas.

Gan herio'r prif-ffrwd trwy fod yn rebel mewn tair ffordd mae pob llyfr sy'n cael ei gyhoeddi gan 3TimesRebel wedi'i ysgrifennu yn wreiddiol mewn iaith leiafrifol, wedi'i ysgrifennu gan fenyw, ac yn olaf wedi'i ysgrifennu i ysbrydoli sgyrsiau dwfn a heriol.

Fel cyhoeddwr marchnad deg blaengar mae 3TimesRebel yn ymdrechu i gael cytundebau teg gyda'i awduron, cyfieithwyr, darlunwyr a phartneriaid. Mae'r llyfrau yn cael eu hargraffu yn lleol yn y DU gan ddefnyddio papur wedi'i gaffael yn gydwybodol, gan wneud yr ôl troed carbon mor fach â phosib a chan gadw at safonau amgylcheddol gyfeillgar. This House fydd y llyfr cyntaf iddynt lwyddo i'w gynhyrchu heb unrhyw blastig yn y clawr hyd yn oed, peth sydd yn anghyffredin iawn.

Mae 3TimesRebel yn awyddus i'r llyfrau gael eu cynhyrchu yn grefftus a chan roi sylw gofalu i'r manylion ym mhob ffordd. Creir dyluniad hardd y llyfrau gan y teipograffydd arobryn Enric Jardí, ac mae clawr trawiadol pob un wedi'i greu gan artist penodol.

Website : | X : @3TimesRebel | Instagram : @3TimesRebel

Posted in: Book News | 0 comments

Deaf On The Nile by Phil 'Boz' Evans

By Ceri Shaw, 2024-04-21

Screenshot from 20240421 171355.png

Cast of Characters

Miss Arly Marble- a Septegenarian Tea- Total Lady from Yorkshire England (drinksYorkshire Tea)- deaf as a post – avaricious reader who mishears everything.

(Glenys)Mrs Eira Ray- an Irish Nationalist Poet who is on the Cruise to Map the Tombs & Pyramids.

(Abbie)Mrs Jane Dough - a retired Dental Nurse with an OCD complex and a limp.

(Alison)Doctor De’ath- A Doctor who switches accents at Will.-

(Curtis)Phil Le Delphia- A lawyer who specialises in Wills etc.

(Jack)Mr Rhodes Drage- an Oxford Professor who has anger management issues.

(Ron)Mr Len Scrafter- a former US American Football Referee, who has very bad eyesight.-

(Phil)Mr John Dough- a self- employed baker from Abercynon, husband of Mrs Jane Dough ( newperson)

Mr Nile Rogers - a honeymooner (new person)

Mrs Chic Rogers- a honeymooner (new person)

Omar God- an Egyptian Boat Crewman (new person or second part)

Opening scene- a Dahabiya Dream Boat on the Nile River in 2024

Miss Marble:“What a wonderful Asian country Egypt is- such history going back over five Millenia!”

Miss Eira Ray: “ Actually, Egypt is in Africa!” corrected the Irish Poet.

Miss Marble : “Who is a Freak?” countered the hearing challenged Miss Marble somewhatconfused hearing only part of the word.

Jane Dough : “Turn your hearing aids on Miss Marble-(pointing at her ears) NO-ONE is aFREAK….Egypt is in AFRICA!”

Miss Marble started to rummage in her travel bag and after a few seconds produced a case ofanti-perspirant called Lynx Africa.

Phil Le Delphia : “Well it is damn hot- he said taking the can from the table and spraying hissweaty armpits- “I hate these warm Countries!” he continued.

Rhodes Drage: “ So if you hate this heat that much… why did you book up a Nile Cruise on this Dahabiya Dream cruise boat … August of all times then?”

Phil looked down at his rubber Fitbit which had partially melted in a vain attempt to checkthe onboard temperature.

Doctor De’ath: “96% degrees in the shade- the Doctor said looking at his rectal thermometerwhich appeared to have chocolate still on it- sounds like a Third World record!”

(PoshEtonian accent)Len Scrafter: “Call this heat?.....try officiating at the Pasadena Superbowl in California… was Reffing Hell….96% degrees is nothing compared to that final between the MiamiDolphins and the Buffalo Bill redskins in 1996…….”

Rhodes Drage: “Correct me if I am wrong but I thought it was the Washington Redskins?”

Lens Scrafter: “In that Rosebowl- with no cover- they all had Redskins!”As the sailboat continued its journey from Luxor up river, the party of individuals thrown together on a narrow boat tried to relax but find out a little more about the strangers that they were sat around the wooden table with.

Phil Le Delphia : “ If you must know I am not here on a pleasure trip like most of you….I am here on business at the behest of my client…Mr John Dough…on my left , the Sole Director 28of Pudding Club Limited…. he came aboard this ship at first light….you know what baker’sare like….up at the crack of Dawn!”

Miss Marble: “Who is in the Pudding Club and been up the crack of Dawn?” – a lover of gossip and scandal with her Women’s Institute Friends

Jane Dough : “No… Miss Marble we are talking about my husband - a passenger called JohnDough!” said Jane lifting her hat and speaking into her ancient ear trumpet and pointing ather spouse with a knife.

Miss Marble: “There’s no need to shout….I am not deaf you know!”

John Dough: ‘ Well you are doing a damned fine impression then….you CoffinDodger!” shouted the irritated businessman.

Miss Marble glared at John – she had heard THAT- if looks could kill.

Enter to the breakfast time the newly- wed couple.“Do you mind if we join you?” Asked Nile Rogers.The Egyptian waiter added two more plates to the table.

Mrs Eira Ray:“Could I have some fruit please!”

John Dough : “Three Thousand Pounds each for this trip and I can’t even get a bacon sandwich !” He mumped miserably.The waiter bowed and returned with a platter of selected figs, dates and Palestinian not JaffaOranges.The two new arrivals giggled excitedly enjoying their honeymoon experience.“Pass the sugar… Sugar…!” Asked Nile of his spouse.“Pass the honey…Honey !” Replied Chic passing the Tate & Lyle.The other members of the breakfast club looked around at each other jealously.Mrs Dough sighed looking directly at her much older husband John Dough.“You never talk to me like THAT !”“0kay ….pass me the milk you old cow!” Replied the baker without looking up.Mrs Dough passed the milk alright as she poured the entire contents over his head.John Dough didn’t flinch Like Donald Trump he was used to a golden shower. He continued to eat his porridge with the Asses milk dripping off his bald pate.

“Talk about passed your eyes milk!’ quipped Len Scrafter.Mrs Dough embarrassed by the comment- threw her napkin onto the table and stormed off angrily.

Mrs Eira Ray: “Poetic justice if you ask me….you deserved that you chauvinist pig!”

“So I am pig now!” Replied John Dough milk dripping from his head and porridge smearedall around his mouth.“Somewhat ironic when I can’t get any in this Country!”Omar God looked on at the Westerners upset at the mention of the dirty animal that Jesus had cast a demon into.And looking round at the white devils sat around him he could see the results. Did they really deserve to rule the Planet?

Omar God: “Offendi , please do not mention such a dirty animal on my humble boat….it upsets me and my crew!”

John Dough:“Look Fuzzy Wuzzy…I am paying good money for this floating sieve…and I can say what I pigging well want…..when I want ….and I don’t care what you and Mo Salahover there think about it one jot….”

Omar’s face suddenly changed as the Protective Eye of Horus took on the look of the Osiris -the Ancient Egyptian God of death and the Underworld.He was ‘Thothing’ at the mouth at the arrogance of the Englishman insulting him in his own Country and the boat he had lovingly crafted with his own hands. It was all he could do not to put his hands around John Dough’s throat and squeeze the Pilsbury dough out of him. Lens Crafter pulling a yellow referee card from his pocket and waving it at John Dough.“I am booking you….I think you owe this A-rab an apology!”

Omar God: “Thank you Effendi, but I am not an Arab but a Coptic Muslim!” Replied theboat owner.

“Mirror, Mirror on the wall who is the least pharoahest one of all!” Said the poetic Eira Rayglaring at John Dough.

“Typical Brexiteer, still thinks Britannia rules the waves…..I have a message for you John Bull….the Empire ended after the Second World War….if I had my way I would rid the World of all you arrogant English and unify the Emerald Isle in the process!”“ Cromwell didn’t go far enough with your lot!’ said John Dough without looking up fromhaving his gruel.“Here’s your Orange Order …you bloody banshee !” He said picking up a Jaffa and angrilyslinging one at the Irish Molly Malone.

It was all Eira could do to restrain herself clutching her cutlery and muttering the phrase:“Remember Louis Mountbatten Imperialist Englishman!”Professor Rhodes Rage was now face to face and nose to nose with John Dough so close he could taste the porridge.

Len’s Scrafter reached into his pocket and pulled a different card out this time.“Red card for the red coat …..and you Oxford Don......anymore and you will both be sent offthis lovely boat too”.“

I think we need a Ready Break Boyo!” interjected Doctor De’ath separating the two (Welsh Valleys Accent) .“ I thought there was still a special relationship between the US and Britain!” he said trying to appease the pair.

John Dough: “What do you know…you bloody Quack….I bet those certificates in your offices were printed off the internet and authenticated by Former Tory Party Chairman,Jeffrey Archer!”

Miss Marble: “If there is one Nation I dislike more than the Southern English it is their mutant offspring colonists it is those from the New World!” said the Northern English Female Sleuth.“I haven’t forgiven that lot across the pond for tipping all that lovely Yorkshire tea into thatBoston harbour in 1773….those sons were really taking a liberty!’ said Miss Marble handover the silver tea pot pouring out a cup delicately.

John Dough: “ Shut up you old trout….no one cares what you think….and I have got newsfor you …you need to change those batteries in your hearing aids….that wasn’t a silent fart you let out earlier….with table manners like that you need to be sent back to Richard Branson…. no wonder you are still a Virgin and will be returned to God in a box marked‘unopened’!”

Miss Marble suddenly lost her own marbles and picked up a butter knife and started threatening him with a throat slitting gesture like she was a member of the Bloods or the Crips.“Are you determined to upset everyone on this boat before breakfast?” Interjected Nile Rogers.

“If the cap fits!” Replied John Dough.“And I would put one on with if my Missus looked like THAT!’” he said pointing at his newwife.“I have never been so insulted in my life!” Declared the outraged Chic Rogers.“Surely…with THAT face you MUST have been!” roared John Dough unashamedly.Nile Rogers stood up to punch the obnoxious factory owner but was restrained by Lawyer Phil Le Delphia.“Careful …you don’t want to be charged with assault like that Turkish Football Club Owner now do you?”“And you …John Dough as my client…. I would advise you to tone it down until at YEAST  you have SIGNED your new Will!”

Continued Phil.“Yes …ooh ah…think of your high blood pressure!” Continued Dr De’ath ( SwindonWiltshire Accent )The purple faced Gammon just glared around at the crowd of strangers he had already insulted.He looked like he would catch fire at any second.He loved his ability to upset other people and ruin their lives.It is all he lived for -as his lifetime accumulation of bread had not made him any happier- nor had his unlimited supply of crumpet over the years that his money had attracted.It would be a long week on this Dahabiya Dreamboat which would now probably turn into a nightmare.The guests one by one retired to their respective cabins below deck.

Scene Two

Thirty minutes later a piercing scream was heard from down below.It was Jane Dough- who had suddenly become the latest widow on the boat.

The tourists all rushed towards cabin 13-which bore the name of Julius Caesar.Each of the cabins on board the Dream Boat had names associated with Egypt.Ptolemy, Cleopatra and of course the Bangles. First to the doorway was Doctor De’ath, who complete with black medical bag rushed into tothe cabin to find Jane doing an impression of Edvard Greig’s the Scream - frozen in shockwith her hands over her cheeks like a version of McAuley Culkin looking through theNeverland Ranch window at an approaching Michael Jackson.

The doorway soon became crowded as the rest of the passengers and crew arrived one byone.The body of John Dough lay face down on the bed with a knife lodged in his back wedged between his shoulder blades.

“He’s dead!” Declared Doctor De’ath checking the cadaver’s pulse.As he moved the body slightly, the corpse let out a death rattle of his own which sounded like the horn of a cruise ship on the River Nile waking up Omar God asleep at the wheel with a start.“I think it was suicide and not a Murder!” Pronounced Dr De’ath looking at the entry wound of the knife.( Scottish Accent like Taggart)

“Are you REALLY a Doctor?” enquired Rhodes Drage suspiciously.“Please explain how the Hell he could have stabbed HIMSELF in the back?” said LenScrafter though his thick milk bottle glasses…..”

“I can’t see it myself!- although it is definite foul play!”Eira Ray :‘I agree with Mr Magoo here….what did he do ?……fall on the knifebackwards?….it is impossible - as he is lying FACE down!”.

Len Scrafter said what most of the innocent passengers were thinking“Good riddance to bad rubbish….he deserved to be sent off!”

Jane Dough: “Do you mind….where is your sensitivity?….he may only have been my husband for a year …but he didn’t deserve to be murdered in this way!”

Len Scrafter: “ I am a soccer referee …..we DON’T have any feelings!”

Dr De’ath : “We must inform the Egyptian Authorities immediately of the death….mainlybecause I get ash cash for pronouncing him dead….finder’s keepers!”

Len Scrafter: “ He was a goalie as well as a policeman?”

Jane Dough: “ Not that kind of keeper nor a Policeman-He was a baker !- that’s why Imarried him …. he told me he had loads of Dough!”Len Scrafter somewhat confused having been lost in translation.

Len Scrafter : “ But someone said he was a Pig earlier?”

Miss Marble: “ From experience….best not to involve the Police until we know what has transpired…..otherwise we could be held captive on this boat for days!”

Mr Nile Rogers: “ I agree ….if we tell the Egyptian Authorities they will stop the Cruise and ruin our Honeymoon and we won’t get to see all the Wonders of the Ancient World like Karnak and Abu Simbel “ he pleaded.

Chic Rogers: “ Please- it’s not like he was a good man now is it - you all bore a grudgeagainst him earlier!” The passengers all looked at each other and then back at the lawyer for guidance.

Phil Le Delphia: “ Well we could all be accessories to murder if we don’t report it to the crewbut we all have our individual good reasons for the Cruise to continue!”

Rhodes Drage: “What’s yours?”

Phil Le Delphia : “ His cheque for my services hasn’t cleared yet!….and he said whisperingin the ear of Jane Dough ….”His Will states you must survive him by a week before you get to inherit his fortune!”

Jane Dough changing tack like the wooden sail boat on the Nile she was on replied:“ Perhaps we shouldn’t act so hastily after all ….but we need to keep this quiet from thecrew until in six days time we arrive at the Aswan Dam!”

Eira Ray: “ In times of trouble we should do what they would do at the Stormont Parliament Buildings and have a democratic vote or blow up the boat with Semtex and destroy the evidence….I have a friend called Sean Finn you know!” winking with her eye.

Rhodes Drage: “ We could just wait till dark and tip his body into the Nile and report him missing later?”

Eira Ray: “ We wouldn’t want to give a Rivers of Blood speech to the Egyptian Authorities……besides there aren’t any Nile Crocodiles left this side of the Aswan Dam to dispose of the body!”

Jane Dough: “ We could just prop him up in the bed as if he is ill and tell the crew he is not to be disturbed…..I will bring him his meals to our room until Aswan !” she suggested.

Miss Marble : “ But there still leaves us with one big problem….there is still a murderer present on this boat and it could be any one of you lot!”

Nile Rogers: “ What about you….who do you think you are?....An amateur ColleenRooney?”

Chic Rogers: “ Yes…why are you above suspicion …while you point that bony wrinkled finger at the rest of us?”

Miss Marble : “My Heroine Agatha Christie wrote seventy five novels and fourteen shortstories and not once does an elderly spinster turn out to be the murderer!”

Len Scrafter: “ Not even in that Ku Klux Klan based novel? ….Ten Little ....” he was interrupted by Phil Le Delphia.

Phil Le Delphia: “ Us woke lefty lawyers do not use that word anymore ….but I agree withMiss Marble not even Hercule Poirot would point the finger at an innocent old lady….that would be ageist and flawed logic ….besides the noise of her zimmer clumping on this Lebanon Cedar wood floor would have given her away….!”

Eira Ray: “ Coming from Ireland, I have lived amongst murderers all my life so anotherweek or so won’t bother me….can we go to a vote now!….raise your right hand if you agree with the plan to postpone reporting the missing body until Aswan!”

The shell- shocked passengers raised their hands in turn starting with Eira Ray. Then Jane Dough.Dr De’ath.Phil Le Delphia.Rhodes Drage.Nile Rogers.Chic Rogers.Miss Marble.The only one hesitant was Len Scrafter- they all stared at him.

Len Scrafter: “ What ….I don’t want to be unpopular….but on this occasion I won’t be the one to blow the whistle!” He protested.Jane Dough- thinking off her inheritance started subliminally to hum ‘Crocodile Shoes’ by Jimmy Nail.

Eira Ray: “ It is unanimous….we all plead ignorance ….and pretend John Dough is missing until his partially eaten body turns up just like Steve Irwin and we blame the crocodiles and hippos for his death….we just need to remove the knife first and stem the blood flow….DrDe’ath can you stitch him up?”

Dr De’ath : “ Of course…we doctors took a Hippo- cratic oath…we have long been able to bury our mistakes….look how long it took the authorities to catch Dr Harold Shipman!”

Eira Ray: “ Talking about stitch ups ….my Father was a member of the Guildford Four Pub bombings and served fourteen years in jail for an offence he didn’t commit …so it would be sweet revenge to get one over on the justice system this time….in the interim, I suggest we appoint Miss Marble here to investigate this Death on the Nile!”

Miss Marble: “Who is Deaf on the Nile?”

Jane Dough: “ No one Miss Marble…but just like Jeffrey Epstein’s Black Book we do have a John Doe here and unlike Epstein we can’t afford to hang around!”

Rhodes Drage: “Besides they say that once you lose one of your senses the others are enhanced!” nodding at Miss Marble.

Miss Marble: “ Well my investigative sense is already enhanced….I know exactly who the killer is….but the big question is do you? If we all meet upstairs at the dinner table I will ENDEAVOUR to reveal the answer after we have all had the house speciality soup….having been on this cruise several times….it is to diefor!”

Scene 3 - the dinner table.

Omar God and his crew have prepared a delicious lunch of a local Soup delicacy.

Omar God: “ We have copied each of your passports and will return your original credit cards after dinner today….it is important that you all eat the food at the same time … creates a family atmosphere and bonds travellers on this unique experience!”

Just like an episode of TV show Death in Paradise, the passengers sat with baited breath hungry not only for food but also to find out what Miss Marble had discovered - she seemed so certain she knew the identity of the killer.

Miss Marble: “ I hope everyone enjoyed their meal ….one thing is certain you will never taste a meal like that again!”

Eira Ray: “ That soup was delicious Omar….what was it called?”

Omar God: “ Cleopatra’s Soup….a bowl fit for a Queen on the Nile!”

Jane Dough: “ It was so moreish ….if only my husband was still alive ….he would badger you for the recipe with his rolling pin cocked!”

Lens Scrafter: “ I have travelled the World …been on cruises on the Panama Canal and through the Amazon from Manaus to Puerto Rico but I have never tasted anything so divine….it even beats our home grown five star restaurants of McDonalds & KFC !”

Nile Rogers: “ If my new wife can cook anything like meal I will be a happy man….only this morning I asked her how she wanted her eggs this morning and she replied….Fertilised!”

Chic Rogers: “Omar God…what is the secret ingredient?”

Omar God: “ Ah…now I recognise that voice…I thought you were calling my name from the Honeymoon Suite earlier on!”

Miss Marble: “ If Omar reveals his secret he would have to kill you all as it goes back millennia- he calls it Gordon Ramses Soup because he says everyone swears by it!”

Phil Le Delphia: “ Well Miss Marble don’t keep us in suspense any longer…who amongst us is the murderer?”

Miss Marble: “ I will give you a few minutes to digest things!”The entire table started to belch & burp- just as is the Arab custom when I good Mcmeal has been provided.

Miss Marble: “ Oh that’s easy….it was me all along!” she said leaving go of her zimmer andwalking upright like Keyser Soze at the end of the film the Usual Suspects.Phil Le Delphia clutches at his throat as one by one do each of the passengers.

Miss Marble: “ Omar here and I set up this little venture three years ago now…we lure people to Egypt….take their passports and credit cards and bury their bodies in the Sudanese desert ….the soup you all ate contained a secret ingredient alright…deadly venom from theEgyptian Asp …the kind that killed Cleopatra 2000 years ago …if you had bothered to learn the Egyptian language you would have discovered that Dhabihah means ‘slaughterhouse’in Islamic - the ritual slaughter of multiple animals at the same time!’

Phil Le Delphia : “ But they know our whereabouts at the Hotel!” struggling to talk for the first time in his life before gurling and choking.

Miss Marble : “My friends at the Kempinski Nile Hotel will swear they never saw you and the US and British Embassies don’t care ….ask Nazanin Zaghari- Ratcliffe…when you meet her in the after- life!”

Dr De’ath: “ That explains it….as his head dropped to the table….I wondered why the trave lbrochure was called the Book of the Dead !”

Miss McMarble: “ Deaf initly!”

Posted in: Humor | 0 comments


Worldcub release their new album ‘Back to the Beginning’ is out 17th of May.   New single 'One Small Mistake' out on the 12th of April. 

Worldcub  invites you on a jaunt through past lives and memory with their brand new concept album  'Back To The Beginning'  a carefully crafted collection of tracks containing sharp hooks, joyous West Coast pleasure trips and contemplative stop-offs along the way. Beguiling lead single and title track rumbles through time and space, that opens up new worlds on the arms of a kraut rock groove. spacey guitar licks, splashes of keyboards, floating harmonies, the vocal interplay guides you deep into the mind's eye of a melody, at once both wistful for a past and for a future of unknowns. 

Worldcub, are a group from North Wales piloted by brothers Cynyr (guitar & vocals) and Dion Hamer (drums & vocals), they began their musical journey under the name CaStLeS, taking influence from 70s/80s  Paul McCartney  and DIY ‘Fantastic Man’,  William Onyeabor . They produce material from their home studio on the hills of Eryri, splicing together elements of surf guitar music, kraut-rock grooves and hypnotic psych tinged Cymru vocal harmonies.

Through fourteen lucid and addictive tracks  ‘Back To The Beginning’  journeys through wormholes, keyholes and time warps.   'Grog'  is an awesomely woozy trip, fantastic surf guitars decorate a pulsing percussive tapestry,  trippy and lilting vocals, it could be something lifted from the famous Nuggets compilations. Haunting  ‘One Small Mistake’  with its lucid melodies, almost bossa nova rhythms and bouncing psych pop sound, is an off kilter delight.  The album also contains previous single 'Look through the Keyhole' is a hypnotic, West Coast tinged, surf inspired jaunt through past lives and memory. The record also contains Welsh language tracks the gleaming  ‘Hel Y Hadau’  and the iridescent entwined melodies, 70s fuzz guitar and insidious percussion of  ‘Pwysau Yn Pwyso’  which translates as a Pressing Matter. 

Their self-released, site-specific themed debut album Fforesteering gained coverage on major platforms such as The Guardian and UNCUT Magazine, with air time on BBC Radio 6 Music, BBC Radio 1, BBC Radio Cymru & Wales. The band also earned their debut performance slot on the BBC Introducing stage at Reading & Leeds Festival and found success playing shows as part of the 'Horizons 12' scheme; which included a recording session at the historic Maida Vale Studios in London.

After an extensive run of live shows, including festivals such as Liverpool Sound City, Liverpool Psych Fest, Farmfest and more recently BreakOut West in Canada and main support to Public Service Broadcasting at FOCUS Wales Festival, Worldcub emerge again with a new catalogue of material for 2024 along with band members; Calvin Thomas on Bass and Jasmine Roberts on guitar.

Tour dates:

FOCUS Wales - 9th May

93 FEET EAST, London - May 24th

Gwyl Tawe, Abertawe - 8th June

No1 Harbourside, Bristol - 6th July

Posted in: Music | 0 comments
 / 534