Blogs
Ani Glass announces new 'Ynys Araul' EP featuring remixes by OMD, Seka and Venus on the Half Shell.
By Ceri Shaw, 2020-09-07
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Ani Glass announces her new ' Ynys Araul' EP released through Recordiau Neb on the 11th of September. As well as the title track it includes three new remixes; one by electronic legends OMD, plus versions by Seka and Venus on the Half Shell.
'Ynys Araul' is lifted from Glass' debut album MIRORES which was released this spring to a very warm reception. In August it was also announced as the Welsh Language Album of the Year at this year's National Eisteddfod resulting in the BBC National Orchestra of Wales performing two of her songs.
'Ynys Araul' (which means 'Serenity' ) is woven with Glass's infectious yet ethereal vocals and haunting melodies, underpinned by kaleidoscopic synths and rolling mechanical loops. Glass says "Ynys Araul is not only about love and loss but also expands on the album's overall themes of movement and progress. It discusses how our memories and emotions are often connected to certain places and presents the bewildering impact of development on your sense of self when those places change or disappear."
With its tapestry of electronic sounds, MIRORES takes us on a journey around her hometown of Cardiff. You can hear Ani’s recorded sounds of the urban landscape throughout; the movement of traffic and people and the magical yet infrequent sounds of nature coming together to create the score of a city’s symphony. All of which – especially at present - seem like a distant memory, adding a certain sense of nostalgia to the album.
MIRORES also represents Ani’s first foray into production having been inspired by her experience of working with Martin Rushent during her time as member of indie-pop group The Pipettes . Glass' sound is inspired by many leading electronic and avant-garde artists and producers of the 1980s including Giorgio Moroder, Vangelis, Jean-Michel Jarre and Arthur Russell whilst the album’s wider themes are inspired in part by the works of abstract painter Agnes Martin and the author and activist Jane Jacobs.
"Ani’s tracks draw from dancey electro-pop, with production that’s sharp and clean, pushing shimmering vocals and bright synths to the forefront." Dazed
"A super-sweet electro-pop stomper with some stunning choral vocal work and a soaring chorus to melt even the stoniest of hearts." The Quietus
Ghostlawns release new 'Ffoi' single on 4th September and announce new album
By Ceri Shaw, 2020-09-02
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Cardiff based musical collective Ghostlawns release their second single 'Ffoi' (pronounced ph- o-ee) digitally through Bandcamp and streaming services on 4 September 2020, taken from their forthcoming debut album 'Motorik' (30 October 2020).
'Ffoi' (which means “flee”) features motoric guitar riffs, ambient synth waves and vocals with live drums to offer a contrasting sound to the band’s debut single, 'Breaking Out'.
Ghostlawns have featured at showcase festivals including Focus Wales and Swn and have contributed songs for the Hope Not Hate and Iechyd Da (Gorky's Zygotic Mynci tribute) compilation albums.
Ghostlawns have finished recording their debut album 'Motorik' with Charlie Francis (REM, Robyn Hitchcock), which will be released via SUB Records on 30th October 2020.
Their first single 'Breaking Out and album taster “Y Gorwel” received radio play on the BBC, and across the UK, US, Canada, France, Germany and Italy.
They are all active members of the Welsh music scene, playing in bands including Right Hand Left Hand, Gulp, Gentle Good, Cotton Wolf, Manchuko and with Can legend Damo Suzuki.
Album Sampler: https://soundcloud.com/ghostlawns/sets/motorik-album-sampler
Web: https://www.ghostlawns.net/
Social media:
https://www.facebook.com/GhostlawnsCF
https://twitter.com/ghostlawnsCF
https://www.instagram.com/ghostlawnscf/
Are locksmiths key workers?
is the curve flattened yet?
is it flat as I understand flat to be?
will I feel any different?
and what about people who
had been cooped up for months
in tiny flats?
my father died the month before the lockdown
feels like a hundred years ago
that man
in a spring and summer of national mourning
what should we do?
let's plant a new arboretum of remembrance
with statues of nurses
doctors
delivery drivers
supermarket staff
carers
postal workers
my father
I'll lay a posy of daffodils at his feet
and dig my spade into the flinty mud
of his settling grave
how much blame will the politicians
seek to allocate to others ?
all of it I imagine
they have not impressed
but then I have always been underwhelmed
by the privileged especially when in power
their inability to relate to the poor
to the everyday needs of everyday citizens
nothing changes just avenues
of revolving doors containing
grinning hyenas in morning suits
always pretending to give
impoverished people a chance
as they are further impoverishing them
please don’t forget these times
though they are concerning
though they are frightening
and likely to remain so for a time
though we lost many people on the way
don’t ever forget what happened
what some had to go through
don’t forget about us
don’t forget about me
and the key workers
who became locksmiths
trying to free up the logjam
our lives had flowed into
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Derw started as a project between songwriter Dafydd Dabson and his mum Anna Georgina, a lyricist, after they got to the final of S4C songwriting competition Can i Gymru in 2018 and decided to keep writing together. The band is fronted by Welsh/Iranian singer Elin Fouladi and their debut EP 'Yr Unig Rhai Sy'n Cofio' involves musicians from Welsh acts Zervas and Pepper, Afrocluster and Codewalkers.
Drawing on chamber pop influences like The National and Elbow, the band has a strong connection with the past and their family history and is named after Anna's father - Derwas. Their family is full of interesting stories and 'Yr Unig Rhai Sy'n Cofio' (The Only Ones Who Remember) is about making sure these stories are recorded and remembered.
The track 'Mikhail' is about a friend Derwas met while studying in Jerusalem in 1926. Mikhail grew up in Russia and his father was part of the imperial navy. One night in 1917, when Mikhail was nine and his mother was away, the Bolsheviks came to his house, took his father into another room and shot him. Mikhail then moved to Palestine with his mother and, when he was 19, met Derwas, a student from Oxford. They then spent years exploring the wilderness together and trying to find peace.
The lyrics for 'Silver', the final track of the EP, are taken from a poem written by Anna's mother in the 1930s. She loved writing and had notebooks full of poetry she'd written. She tried several times to get them published but never managed it so it gives Anna and Dafydd a huge amount of pleasure to be able to make use of one of them now.
Derw’s first single, ‘Dau Gam’, came out in May on CEG Records. It was made ‘Track of the Week’ on BBC Radio Cymru as well as getting airplay on BBC Radio Wales.
The band’s second single, ‘Ble Cei Di Ddod i Lawr’ is out on the 28th of August on CEG Records.
..
'Anthemic' - Golwg
'A bridge from the past to the present...Stunningly beautiful' - Mob York City Blog
'Hyfryd' - Ffion Davis, BBC Radio Cymru
'This song allowed me to truly be connected and in the moment' - Indie Pulse Music
'Tender and fills the mind with bright emotions. Fouladi's vocals are intoxicating' - Too Much Love Magazine
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Cyrhaeddodd Dafydd Dabson a'i fam, Anna Georgina, rownd terfynol cystadleuaeth Can i Gymru yn 2018, y tro gyntaf iddyn nhw ysgrifennu gyda'i gilydd - ac allan o’r brofiad yma tyfodd Derw. Elin Fouladi, cantores Gymraeg/Iraniad, sydd ar flaen y band, gyda’i EP cyntaf, ’Yr Unig Rhai sy'n Cofio’ yn cynnwys cyfraniadau gan gerddorion o Zervas and Pepper, Afrocluster a Codewalkers.
Mae Derw wedi ei ddylanwadu gan fandiau pop siambr fel The National ac Elbow ac mae ganddynt gysylltiad cryf gyda'r gorffennol a hanes eu teulu, yn cymeryd ei enw gan tad Anna - Derwas. Mae’r teulu yn llawn straeon cyfareddol, a bwriad ’Yr Unig Rhai Sy'n Cofio’ yw sicrhau bod nhw'n aros mewn cof.
Mae'r trac ‘Mikhail’ yn son am ffrind Derwas a ddaru o gyfarfod yn Jerwsalem yn 1926. Cafodd Mikhail ei fagu yn Rwsia, a'i dad yn gomander yn y Lynges Ymerodrol. Un noson yn 1917, tra oedd ei fam i ffwrdd, cyrhaeddodd y Bolsieficiaid ei dy, mynd a'i dad i ystafell arall, a'i saethu. Symudodd Mikhail a'i fam i Balesteina, a pan oedd Mikhail yn 19 cyfarfododd a Derwas, myfyriwr o Rydychen. Treuliodd y ddau sawl blwyddynyn crwydro'r anialwch gyda’i gilydd, yn chwilio am heddwch.
Mae geiriau ‘Silver’, trac olaf yr EP, yn dod o farddoniaeth a ysgrifenwyd yn y tridegau gan Mary, mam Anna. Bu wrth ei bodd yn sgwennu, a llanwodd sawl llyfryn a'i cherddi, ond er bod hi wedi ceisio mwy nag unwaith cyhoeddi ei gwaith, llwyddodd hi ddim. Felly, mae'n bleser aruthrol i Anna a Dafydd ddefnyddio nhw nawr.
Mi ddaeth sengl gyntaf Derw, ‘Dau Gam’, allan yn mis Mai ar CEG Records. Gafodd ei wneud yn ‘Drac yr Wythnos’ ar BBC Radio Cymru yn ogystal a cael ei chwarae ar BBC Radio Wales.
Mae ail sengl y band, ‘Ble Cei Di Ddod i Lawr’ allan ar y 28fed o fis Awst ar CEG Records.
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'Anthemig' - Golwg
'A bridge from the past to the present...Stunningly beautiful' - Mob York City Blog
'Hyfryd' - Ffion Davis, BBC Radio Cymru
'This song allowed me to truly be connected and in the moment' - Indie Pulse Music
'Tender and fills the mind with bright emotions. Fouladi's vocals are intoxicating' - Too Much Love Magazine
..
https://www.instagram.com/derwband/
https://www.facebook.com/DerwBand
Outside little moves
save for divorced foxes
corner-of-eye birds
and abandoned face masks
breathing in a confident breeze
indoors TVs cover walls
broadcasting shows
of people who used to be famous
for being used to be famous
but he's safe here he thinks
high above the plain
of the Great Pandemic
the lifts still work
he doesn't remember the last time
he travelled in them
though each Friday he waits
at the gaping shaft
for food parcels from the charity
whose appeals fall on his deaf ears
charity begins and stays at home
he disposes of his waste in bags
that plummet to a ridge of refuse
hundreds of feet below
putrefying as the scavengers
consume what can be digested
he hasn't paid a bill for some time
but no one is collecting the rent
in the mid distance of his binoculars
giant cacti impale curious virus-finches
on their honed horned armoury
the TVs only offer repeats these days
his favourites are complete football matches
in empty stadia with added crowd noise
among the few times
he hasn't heard racist taunts
at such so-called sporting events
these repeats
these repeats
these repeats
these repeats
AmeriCymru: Hi Megan and many thanks for agreeing to this interview. Care to tell our readers a little about the history of the NAFOW event?
Megan: Thank you for giving me this opportunity. The North American Festival of Wales is an annual event held over Labor Day weekend. It is organized by the Welsh North American Association and first started in 1929 as the ‘national gymanfa ganu’. The host city of the festival changes each year and it is held in both US and Canadian cities. In 2020, the festival was scheduled to return to Philadelphia for the first time since 1976. Unfortunately, due to the global health crisis the 2020 festival was cancelled. Plans are already under way for next year’s event in Ottawa and we will return to Philadelphia in 2022. While not what we originally had planned, we look forward to bringing a new version of the festival to a broader audience this year as we host; ‘North American Festival of Wales ~ On Demand’
AmeriCymru: Would I be correct in saying that this is the first year in a century or more that the event will not be held live?
Megan: The first event was held in 1929 and was held every year since apart from twice during WWII. So this is the first time in over 70 years that there is no in person festival.
AmeriCymru: What can you tell us about the exciting plans for an alternative online event?
Megan: We have an extensive line-up and are grateful for the many people were willing and interested in taking part. We decided to go with an ‘On Demand’ format making the whole program available from Sept 4-30. With over 20 hours of programing, we want allow viewers as much time as possible to enjoy our lectures, concerts, films and greetings and of course, our tribute to the gymanfa ganu.
AmeriCymru: Who will be the main guests and headliners this year?
Megan: We have so many people taking part that it is really hard to pick who would be considered a headliner. We have many familiar faces returning to our program from presenters who have been to previous festivals. We are including programing from some of our musicians who were meant to be with us in Philadelphia; Cor y Penrhyn from Bethesda, Hogia’r Bonc and Philadelphia’s own Kathy Crusi who won our top Eisteddfod prize at the 2018 festival in Washington, D.C. We are also partnering with the Welsh government, the National Eisteddfod and Undeb Cymru a’r Byd to bring some new and exciting programing and welcome former First Minister of Wales, Carwyn Jones to our line-up.
AmeriCymru: Will the winners of the online Eisteddfod be announced at the event?
Megan: Yes, the winners of our new poetry competition will be announced and recitations of the winning poems will be included in our ‘Eisteddfod’ element. This was a great addition to our Eisteddfod and we are excited to say that we received entries from four continents. A promising start for what is to come as we carry this competition forward in the future.
AmeriCymru: Just to make sure that people know where and when to catch this years NAFOW, can you provide us with dates, times and platform details here?
Megan: Of course, the full program will be available, free of charge, on our website www.nafow.org starting on September 4 through Sept 30. We hope to reach as broad an audience as possible so please share with your family and friends, even if they may not have a specific connection with Wales. I promise they will find something to enjoy!
AmeriCymru: Any final message for the readers and members of AmeriCymru?
Megan: I hope you will find time to tune in and enjoy our programing. If you have been to a festival in the past, you will see familiar faces and things to remind you of what being at a NAFOW is like. If you have not been, we hope this may pique your interest and you may consider joining us next year in Ottawa or in Philadelphia in 2022.
As I’m sure most of you will know, the Welsh, when they emigrated to the United States, brought with them their language and their culture, and very often built chapels in order to maintain them. If you look around the graveyards you will quite often find brief four-lined stanzas, commemorating the deceased. Unbeknown to most, this represents a tradition stretching back in to the Middle Ages and quite possibly further, into the mists of early Celtic poetry.
These little poems may look quite innocuous but, in fact, they are composed on one of the most demanding metrical systems of the world, a craft which can often take years to master. Each line of this 30-syllable stanza is composed of closely alliterating or rhyming phrases, and this is simply a summary of the most basic rules of cynghanedd (harmony). These aren’t strict rules meant to pretentiously elevate the poem to some idealised level of complexity – they are all about playing with sound so that a piece appeals not only to the mind but to the ear as well. It is only the better poets who master this. This meter is commonly known as an englyn , with englynion as the plural. Our earliest good examples are from about the twelfth century, where they formed parts of a much longer poem, an awdl . By the fourteenth century at least these englynion were being used as independent poems, often for lighter issues than the elegy and praise of the great court poets.
In 1654, in the middle of the Cromwellian interregnum we our first known example on a gravestone, from Llanigon in south-east Wales, very close to the English border, composed to a young student of the law at London. This tradition grows slowly for the next centuries, as the traditional poetic order declined and the was maintained by the lesser gentry, priests and other enthusiasts. Nevertheless the tradition is unbroken. About the 1830s, with the growth of chapels, increase in literacy the proliferation of Welsh journals and newspapers and books the number appearing on graves increases dramatically. The content is quite often a stark warning about the briefness of life, a statement of the hope for resurrection but quite often we find poems to important figures or ones commemorating murders or deaths in battle, tragic accidents, midwives, surgeons, a British prime-minister and so on.
One could confidently estimate that we have at least 25,000 of these with great numbers not having been recorded from large parts of Wales. We have many in England too, especially in Liverpool which sported an immensely Welsh-speaking community a little over a century ago. There are many on the graves of the war-dead, especially from the First World War, in Belgium, France and Palestine for example. More relevant is that we know of many from the United States but it seems that few have been recorded and we are rapidly losing the local knowledge about the deceased and the poets, as the language has receded and the stones are deteriorating with time. We desperately need to find volunteers willing to search the graveyards where the Welsh were buried, record the inscriptions and ask for further information.
The earliest known to me is from 1852, dedicated to the 23 year-old Mary Thomas, 1852 and is in Paddy’s Run (Ohio). The poet is her father.
...
Tiroedd a moroedd mawrion – a deithiais,
Nes deuthum at estron,
I geisio hawl o’r gŵys hon
I orwedd gyda’i feirwon.
Bardd Horeb
...
Vast lands and seas did I travel
Until I came to a foreign land.
To seek my rights from this furrow
To lie with its deceased.
...
The highest known englyn in the world is from Russel Gulch (at 9,150 feet) in the Colorado Rockies. Owen Jones died in 1856 at 56 years. Many coalminers had emigrated, having the necessary skills to work in the industry. Owen died from complications after a ball of dynamite exploded in his hand, blowing off one of them and many fingers from the other.
...
O afiachus wael fuchedd – o afael
Pob gofid a llygredd,
Aeth at ei Dad i wlad y wledd
Y nwyfiant a’r tangnefedd.
...
From an unhealthy poor life – from the grasp
Of every misery and corruption,
He went to his Father to the land of the feast
Of passion and peace.
...
There is a shorter couplet, to John Tyson, 1857 (52), in Slateville (Pennsylvania). This is where many north-walian slate quarrymen emigrated.
...
Dirymwyd edau’r einioes
Yn grwn gan yr hwn a’i rhoes.
...
Life’s thread was undone
Completely by he who gave it.
...
Sometimes, the deceased is commemorated on the family grave in Wales, such as Barbara Owens, Tre’rgarth, 1859 (22), Eglwys y Santes Fair; MW.
...
Er marw yn nhir Amerig – ac aros
Mewn goror bellenig
Byr hanes Barbara unig,
Huna draw, y fan hon drig.
...
Despite dying in the land of America – and tarrying
In a faraway land,
Brief was the life of lonely Barbara
Far away she slumbers, but here she lives.
...
The inscriptions are largely in Welsh, something which might present a challenge to the survival of local knowledge. The following is to Henry Williams in Slateville, from Nant y Graean by Bangor. He died in an accident on January 4 th , 1868.
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Y gwir Oracl ef a garai – gair Iôn,
Yn gywir gyhoeddai,
Ac i’w fedd mewn hedd ydd ai
A dir ei ofn a derfynai.
...
The true Oracle he loved – the word of the Lord
Correctly he would announce,
And to his grave in peace he went
And the hardship of his fear ended.
...
The following is to a noted poet, preacher and writer, Richard Foulkes Edwards (Rhisiart Ddu o Wynedd), 1836- 1870 (34) Oskosh, Wisconsin. He was originally from north-east Wales and had won the chair in the 1864 Eisteddfod in Llandudno. This is the one attended by the great English poet Mathew Arnold, who so fervently wished to see the end of the Welsh language and culture.
Mawr gwyn fu rhoi mor gynnar – weinidog
O nodwedd mor lachar,
At feirwon mewn estron âr,
Y Bardd Du i bridd daear.
Hywel Tudur
...
Great was the grievance of placing so young – a minister
Of shining qualities.
To the dead in a foreign field
The Black Poet to the soil of the earth.
...
I guro, daeth llaw trugaredd – at ddôr
Risiart Ddu o Wynedd;
Am hyny’r sant, o bant bedd,
Waredir i anrhydedd.
...
Llonydd yw’r bardd a’r llenor – a dyn Duw
O dan dalp o farmor;
Bydd gwae dwfn i’r bedd gae dôr
A throi dros y fath drysor.
Eos Glan Twrch
...
The hand of mercy came to beat upon the door
Of Richard the Black from Gwynedd.
For that the saint from the valley of death,
Will be saved to glory.
...
Motionless is the bard and writer – a man of God
Under a slab of marble;
Great, deep woe that the grave closed a door,
And turned over such a treasure.
...
I have yet to ascertain where the following is located, the details not having been noted in the online site. Margaret Williams, 1875, 58 years old.
...
Fy mhriod hynod sy’n huno – yma
Wiw mwyach ei cheisio.
Ataf ni ddychwel eto
Gwael ei grym mewn gwely gro.
...
My remarkable spouse sleeps here
Futile now is to seek her.
Never again will she return to me
Feeble is her strength in a bed of shale.
Another commemorated in Wales is Thomas J. Williams, 1908 (34) in the graveyard of the church of Llanfihangel-y-pennant; He was buried in Boulder, Colorado.
...
Pell o’i wlad yn Colorado – hunodd
Tom heinyf ei osgo;
Ond, o unfryd ei hen fro,
Cu hafan, car ei gofio.
...
Far from his country in Colorado – he fell asleep
Tom the vigorous his bearing.
But with one voice in his old land
A fair haven, will remember him.
...
Occasionally the englynion are noted in Welsh journals. We need to search Y Drych, at some point. The following occurs in Y Gwladgarwr (The Patriot, 1839), but states that the poem is on the gravestone. Gabriel Davies, Cincinnati, Ohio:
...
I'w gorph gwan wele'r anedd , - ac obry
Mae Gabriel yn gorwedd ;
Trueni troi o Wynedd
I chwilio byd , a chael bedd.
Pedr
...
See the abode of his feeble body – but above
Does Gabriel like;
Tragic was turning from Gwynedd
To explore the world but to find a grave .
...
These are but a brief selection of the dozens currently known to us, but works in journals and comments from the United States indicate that we may have a far larger corpus of important poetry waiting to be recorded. If anyone can help in visiting graveyards and just asking around this would be hugely appreciated. It is already late to be embarking on this work, but hopefully not too late. Please do snap away with your smartphones and take pictures of the gravestones, the chapels and the cemeteries. All information is important. There is an urgency to this work. You can either contact me directly at gutorhys@yahoo.com or otherwise upload photos and comments to the Facebook group Englyn Bedd . In advance I’d like to say diolch yn fawr .
Dr Guto Rhys
A disease that largely affects the elderly
now they're targeting the young
as they too are succumbing to the virus
and could pass it on to old people
as they enjoy newly relaxed freedoms
"don't kill Granny"
the latest deadly catchphrase
in a whole literature of them
and on the subject of our grandparents
over 20,000 people died of Covid-19
in care homes in the UK
despite Public Health England
stating in February 2020 that
the pandemic was unlikely to affect
that sector and despite the "ring of steel"
the Secretary of State for Health
claimed had been installed in order
to safeguard our most vulnerable
those who could not escape
and who deserved every respect
and every layer of protection
we needed lions
we got chocolate fireguards
and as for face masks
does my bum look big in mine?
it's getting harder to choose
as at least two industries
have developed alongside
the possible need to wear them
one is the creative attempt
to inject jazz into accidental genocide
through a multitude of designs
in an effort to turn a feel bad time
into something like a feel a little better time
the other industry is somewhat older
it's the one that's lining the pockets
of friends of the Tory party who laughably
describe themselves as a Government
you know the same ones who ordered
55 million masks that were not
suitable for use by the NHS
I don't suppose they even tried
to get a refund on our tax-payers' money
The camera pans to the grey-haired Welshman sat behind his desk.
“Good Evening and welcome to this special BBC edition of Celebrity ‘Evil’ Mastermind!” said presenter John Humphreys.
“On tonight’s edition – my last ever for reasons that will become apparent later – we have a special show lined-up for you and in order to show balance we have three Right Wing narcissists and one Commie here to answer a series of questions in the allotted time of two minutes!”
“Let’s meet them!” continued the former newsreader.
“From the USA- President Donald Trump!”
The POTUS turns and smiles at the wrong camera.
“From Islington London – former Leader of the Opposition – Comrade Jeremy Corbyn!” said the presenter.
The Cameraman adds a special Newsnight filter to make it look like he is wearing a Red Ushanka hat complete with hammer and sickle on the front.
It is plainly visible as an add-on- as Corbyn nods towards the viewers at home.
“Liberty Peace Prize Winner and former Prime Minister Tony Blair!” announces Humphreys.
His Royal Tonyness, smiles cheesily, just like a ‘Cheshire Pony’ at the little screen whilst looking around for the autocue.
“And last and by all means least- current Prime Minister of the United Kingdom but mainly England- Boris Johnson!”
Boris is slouched in his chair, dishevelled blonde hair pointing in all directions, just like a schoolboy who hasn’t been dressed by his Mother/Nanny that Morning.
“Who Me?” replies Johnson as the studio goes quiet – all the time looking around for Dominic Cullings.
“So first up, we have the Leader of the Western World, President of the United States of America, Donald John Trump- if you would like to take the chair?” invited the presenter.
“Take it where?” replied Trump.
“It looks GREAT (showing all of someone else’s teeth in his mouth) but I have better one back in the White House in Washington back home in the US of A- it is probably made in China anyway….!” He continued unabated.
After a hand gesture from Humphreys towards the Hot Seat- Trump made his way slowly – just like a bear nurturing a ten pound turd but unable to find any woods close by- .
No sooner than he had sat down heavily breaking the thing than he uttered –
“Definitely China… look how easy it broke under my nine stone frame- Do I have to raise my right hand for the Holy Book like the Grand Jury?” asked Trump.
“‘No-there is no book for you to swear on!” replied Humphreys.
“Good-not a bigly fan of books anyway-don’t colour or read them anymore!” replied the President.
“So, your chosen subject is?” asked Humphreys.
“Me!” replied Trump
“Okay -you have two minutes on your specialist subject starting now!” said the Presenter speeding up towards the end of the sentence.
“ You were born on 14 th June 1946, what sign are you?”
“Cancer!” replied the POTUS.
“Incorrect- you are Gemini- the Twins” said the Presenter.
“Fake news….there is only one Donald J Trump!” replied Trump.
“What number President are you?” asked Humphreys.
“Number One- better than Osama- less impeachable than Nixon!” said the Don.
“Incorrect- 45 was the answer!” continued Humphreys.
“Fake news- 45 was the answer I gave to the N.R.A to stop the school shootings- I told them to arm the teachers and the children too, that way they would have a fighting chance if the terrorists attack- it’s the in the American Constitution – the pursuit of happiness- Will Smith or Kayne West told me- I can never tell them apart-!” replied Trump.
“Are you referring to the second amendment and the right to ‘bear arms’? “replied the quiz host getting all confused by the replies.
“Who wants bear arms?- there’s nothing wrong with these human ones I got!”
Humphreys shook his head- half of the allotted time was up and he had concluded that this President’s head was more shot than JFK.
“Which political party do you represent?” asked the interviewer.
“Is this a trick question? Oh KKK… because I am tempted to say I was ‘Putin Power” by my good friend and good friend to America….to help turn back the clock…return to the use of fossil fuels and that fake global watering ….install coal burning fires and surrounds and make America ‘Grate’ again!”
Humphreys just shook his head and ploughed on.
‘So, what excuse did you give to dodge the Vietnam War Draft?” asked Humphreys.
“It WASN’T an excuse… said Trump glaring at the Welshman….”I had bone spurs…if you don’t believe me ….ask Stormy Daniels ‘She will confirm… I had them on when riding her dressed as a Dallas cowboy!”
“‘I’ll accept!” said Humphreys.
“What did you claim was your favourite rock album on Radio Station Minneapolis Burning?” asked Humphreys.
“Houses of the Holy by Led Zeppelin!” replied the Orangeman.
“Incorrect- it was the Wall by Pink Floyd!” said the presenter.
“Fake news- I don’t like any rap music by protesters from Dixieland or is that Disneyland?” replied the walking Tango Advert.
The end of round claxon sounded.
“Congratulations Mr Trump you scored one and pissed on two -Russian Prostitutes that is-!”
Trump smiled to himself- remembering that experience warmly- whilst sleeping in the shallow end of that impromptu Moscow waterbed.
He had beaten his own high score and now deserved a UK tax-free Costa Cofefe for his efforts.
As he had been sat in the Hot Seat under the BBC studio lights- there was a pool of orange liquid underneath the chair and a familiar stain on the back of his fawn golfing trousers.
“Second Contestant would you please come to chair!” asked Humphreys.
‘Please state your full name for the record….I would remind you that anything you say will be taken down and used in evidence against you probably out of context and to our own ends…do you understand?” asked the BBC Griller.
“I understand…Jeremy Bernard Corbyn… but known to my followers simply as JC!” said the former Leader of the Opposition.
“ Bernard!” sniggered Humphreys.
“As in Bernardo O’Higgins, the Chilean Communist Guerrilla Leader?”
“Yes but No but he was a Freedom fighter!” replied Corbyn made to sound like Little Britain character Vicki Pollard.
“And your chosen specialist subject is?” asked the questioner.
“Allotments that changed the World” replied Corbyn.
“Okay!” sniggered Humphreys once again.
“You have two minutes starting now!”
“How do they arrange the ‘radishical’ movements of root vegetables in the Moscow State Allotment Society?”
“In Red Squares!” replied Corbyn.
“Correct!” announced Humphreys.
“Which vegetable was King of the Hippies, John Lennon promoting with his bed lie in protest with Yoko Ono in Amsterdam in 1969?” asked the presenter.
“Peas!” – replied Corbyn.
“Give peas a chance!” he said quoting the dead Beatle.
“Correct!” said Humphreys.
“He is giving him the easy ones!” moaned Trump as he put his tiny ‘GI JOE’ sized hand up and whispered behind the back of it at the other two contestants.
“What luminous vegetables did the Conservative UK Government import in bulk from Mother Russia in 1986 because they were cheap to supply to the poor?” asked Humphreys glaring at a different kind of luminous vegetable for the interruption.
“Chernobyl Carrots- they came with a ‘glowing reference’ and a shelf life of 1-5 years!” replied Corbyn.
“Correct!” said Humphreys.
“A bit like his chlorinated chicken then!” said Corbyn nodding at the Political Oompa Loompa.
“Fake News!” came the broken record reply.
“What was the name of your Palestinian cook book about your fresh allotment produce penned in 2016?” asked Humphreys.
“From Hummus to Hamas!” replied the weirdy beardy.
“Which record did you say you would take with you if you were castaway on a deserted atoll off Cuba on Radio Four’s Desert Island Discs?” asked Humphreys.
“Rhapsody in Blue by the Gershwin Brothers” replied Corbyn.
“George always stole the limelight from his elder brother so I felt a little sorry for him!” he continued.
“Correct-so, we can confirm on the BBC that you are now an admitted IRA sympathiser?” said Humphreys seizing on the slip.
“Do you know -there are thousands of women in this Country on NHS waiting lists and I am always the first to get smeared!” replied Corbyn- red smoke then liquid emanating from his ears- just like a poisoned Communist Pope.
“What group are Angel of Islington blood oranges?” asked the interviewer.
Corbyn shook his head and looked doubtful for the first time.
“Blood Group A Positive- as they contain a red wedge?” said the fairest Prime Minister this Country never had.
“Incorrect- it was O-Jeremy Corbyn- O- Jeremy Corbyn!”- sang Humphreys in a Pre-Covid-19 Glastonbury 2017 White Stripes tune….”But your Trotskyist Red Blood Group is noted!”
As the claxon sounded- Humphreys announced that Corbyn had scored 5 out of a possible 6 and not passed on any questions- unlike the current Prime Minister Boris Johnson in his time at the Despatch Box in Parliament.
“Fair play- the many and not the few!”
Corbyn flicked a V at Humphreys before turning and heading for his vacant seat.
“Next up- we have former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Anthony Charles Lynton Blair!” said Humphreys.
The darkened BBC studio was lit up by the most enormous set of gnashers to grace the place since Esther Rantzen had a ‘sausages’ face- off with Theo the Poodle.
“Hi, I’m Tony!” announced the politician.
“Well would you like to tell the audience at home what your specialist subject is tonight?” asked Humphreys.
“Spin Doctoring, manipulating the media and how to win elections!” replied the former PM, whilst continuing to smile at the camera the whole time just like a ventriloquist dummy.
“Okay , Mr Blair you have two minutes on the subject starting….NOW!” Said Humphreys.
“Can’t I have three?” asked His Royal Tony-ness.
There was a pregnant pause before John Humphreys replied
“Okay- because you put it so nicely, you can have three!”.
There were howls of outrage from the previous two contestants who were busy muttering the phrase ‘BBC Bias’.
“That’s spin for you!” Blair said smiling all the while.
“Question one- Who did you recommend to be your successor in the Labour Party in 2010?” asked Humphreys.
“Anyone BUT him!” said Blair pointing a manicured finger with painted nails with a red rose on each one in the direction of Corbyn.
“Correct!” said Humphreys to howls of protest from his Left Wing.
“The Momentum is really with you now Tony!”
“Who do you think will lead the party to victory in the 2023 General Election?” asked Humphreys.
“Someone in my own non-spitting image- a fellow barrister- someone with a Christian Name of a famous Labour politician to sound like a convincing socialist but in actual fact is further on the right wing of the party than Charles Lindbergh!” continued the Blair Rich Project.
“As a politician are you going to give me a straight answer or what?” asked Humphreys.
“Keir Starmer!” announced Blair.
“Correct….at least he can eat a non-antisemitic bacon sandwich correctly!” replied Humphreys.
“What is the difference between WKD and WMD?” continued Humphreys.
“They found WKD in a bar in Iraq- but no WMD?” replied the Blair faced bliar.
“Correct!”- said the presenter.
“Phew….!” replied Blair with a noticeable single bead of sweat added by the BBC make-up department to give the impression he was under pressure.
“What is the difference between Bosnian Serbian leader Dragomir Milosevic, Rudolf Hess, Hermann Goring and Tony Blair?”
“Pass!” said Blair as quickly as possible.
“Who was responsible for securing the Belfast Agreement ‘Good Friday Peace Process in Northern Ireland?” asked Humphreys.
“It was me- I should have got a ‘Tony Award’ for it!” Blair said modestly- nose enlarging slowly.
“Fake news!” came a shout from the dark- but not from the USA Orange State but from Corbyn instead.
“It was ME that met with Sinn Fein over a couple of McGuinnesses!” protested the Allotment King.
“John Hume would be turning in his grave if he heard THAT!” replied Blair.
“Conveniently- you would have to EX-HUME him to validate that- and that would take some special SPIN DOCTOR to boot!” said Corbyn.
“I Trimble at the very thought!” replied Blair.
“Correct!” said Humphreys much to the bemusement of Corbyn.
“It would appear for a man who believes in unilateral disarmament, you have a strong militant tendency -any more interruptions Mr Corbyn and I will have you removed from the studio and your gulags sent to the four corners of the former United Kingdom!” threatened Humphreys.
“I will have you know that Saint Blair of Edinburgh here has a history of receiving Peace Prizes- he won a Liberty Medal for his ‘commitment to conflict resolution’ in 2010.!” Said the BBC presenter.
“Which immigration barrister is set to defend the Shamina Begum appeal case?” asked Humphreys.
“My Cherie Amour!” sang Blair just like Stevie Wonder.
“Correct!”
The Claxon sounded and the presenter announced.
“At the end of that round Mr Blair, you have scored five and passed on one-what is the difference between Bosnian Serbian leader Dragomir Milosevic, Rudolf Hess, Hermann Goring and Tony Blair?”
“The answer to that is you were all born under the star sign Taurus and capable of talking a lot of bull!”.
“I can think of a different one!” shouted Corbyn- as he was dragged away with his arms restrained by two burly undercover policemen wearing Rachel Riley tee-shirts marked ‘Taking the Countdown!’
“And to think you Guys are part of the same Labour Movement!” chortled Humphreys.
“Of course- we are!” smiled the Grinch that stole a Party.
“Next up we have Prime Minister Johnson!” announced Humphreys.
Boris was slumped in his chair, lolling like he was Jacob Rees-Mogg, lying across the front benches of Parliament.
At the sound of his name, Boris put on a smirk across his face that Stephen King Horror Clown character IT would have been proud.
As Bozo the Buffoon, slid his way towards the chair Humphreys’ manner seemed to change somewhat.
“Please would you fasten your seatbelt Mr Johnson- it is a conditional requirement by the BBC Director General in your case!” ordered the wily Welshman.
“Bloody EU Health & Safety!” mumbled Johnson under his alcohol enhanced breath.
Boris did as he was told.
No sooner than the seatbelt was clicked shut- Humphreys ducked down behind the desk just like the bar tender in the custard pie throwing scene of Bugsy Malone.
And in his place appeared BBC News Presenter Andrew Neil.
“Crikey….I have walked into a giant elephant trap!” Boris spluttered.
“Good afternoon Boris….it seems like you won’t get away from me after all!” said Neil.
“Yikes- why do I get the feeling I am about to be scoured by a Brillo and his I-Pad?” gulped the PM.
“So, please state your full name for the audience and chosen specialist subject!” asked Neil.
“Boris Johnson….sex. lies and the odd videotape!” said the blonde former Etonian whose hair made him look as if he had been dragged through a hedge fund backwards.
“Incorrect!” said Andrew Neil.
“It’s Alexander Boris De Pfeffel Johnson!” came the reply.
“I say old boy that’s a bit below the belt!” mumbled the man of the people.
“So why did you give the home address of a journalist from the News of the World to your friend Darius Guppy in 1993?” asked Neil.
“Uhhh….I thought he wanted to send him a ‘Get Well Card’…!” stuttered Boris.
“But he wasn’t unwell at the time- now was he?” countered Neil.
“Well he was about to be- I was just a little ahead of time on that one!” said the PM.
“So- an easy one next- How many biological children have you spawned so far?” asked Neil.
“Pass!” said Johnson.
“When you were Mayor of London you made more U-Turns than Dick Whittington but did you try to erect your own version of a ‘garden’ bridge whilst trying to ‘remain’ at the top of the poles?” interrogated Neil.
“Let’s just say it is not just Britain and America that has a special relationship!” replied Bojo.
“Unless you give me a straight answer… I can’t award you the point!” said Neil.
“Granted!” replied the PM.
“I’ll take that as a different kind of ‘pass’ then!” replied the interviewer.
“ Can’t I get Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby instead?” asked Boris trapped in the hot seat like an inadequate stunt man in the movie Fifty Shades of Grey.
“Wrong channel!” replied Brillo off the top of his head.
“Nigel Farage keeps going on about that!” replied the Eton Mess trying like all politicians to witter on about nothing to run down the airtime.
“Tubby, what Planet are you on?- You can’t hide in a fridge this time!” replied the former Hard Times man.
“Zanuzzi?” mumbled the buffoon.
“So, why did you grant permission for Dominic Cullings suffering from the coronavirus to drive five hours to Durham at the height of a pandemic?” barked Neil.
“Or allow Pa Churchill to fly off to Greece when everyone else is stuck with quarantine?
Boris placed his fingers in his ears and started to make ‘la- la noises’ to override the tough questions.
“This isn’t PMQ’s!” shouted Andrew Neil as he administered a 15- volt electric shock direct to the PM.
Boris’ eyes widened for the first time and his blonde hair suddenly went like it had been combed and immaculately groomed- just like Max Headroom or the new Keir Starmer look.
“You can’t torture people…. this is England not Saudi Arabia!” protested Boris.
“Don’t you remember your 60 MP majority voted through to repeal the Human Rights Act when you left the European Union!” replied Andrew Neil evilly.
“I don’t remember that!” said the shocked laboratory monkey.
“It was just after Christopher Chope vetoed the up-kilting mobile phone ban in Scotland !” recalled Brillo.
“Is that the one that upset Nicola Sturgeon and made her a little Krankie?” asked Boris horrified.
“Here is a Presidential Order signed by Donald Trump that as part of the US/UK trade deal negotiated by Pork Baron Liz Truss that this studio is now controlled by the Walt Disney Corporation of Florida and thereby all Federal Laws of that Orange County State now apply in this Studio!” continued Neil.
“To include the electric chair and death penalty for failure!”
“So Boris, you REALLY are in the Hot Seat!”
“But answer me one last request before you push that button and fry my brain what did the UK get in return?” asked Boris.
“Silk stockings and chocolate!” came the reply.
“Nothing changes!”
(Jeff Bezos
Mark Zuckerberg
Tim Martin
Sir Phillip Green
Sir Richard Branson
Sir Alan Sugar)
he sees them on the TV
reads about them in news apps
he declines to subscribe to
he thinks they're contemptible
and wouldn't urinate on them if they caught fire
all vocal
all opinionated
all money grabbing modern style barons
with no shame or few scruples
the unacceptable faces of capitalism
the unacceptable faces of humans
three of them are titled
wonder what the Queen really thinks about that
when he’s tired he thinks “titles”
reads a little like “titties”
maybe he needs new spectacles
maybe he needs a new world
where wealth and health
are distributed more equally
