This World Cup just gets better and better.

Brian O' Driscoll trotted on to Croke Park with a commentry from obsequious Eddie Butler ringing in everybodies ears. The wonderful, marvellous, can I have your children O' Driscoll was marking his 100th cap. Listening to Butler's commentary I wondered how O'Driscoll was going to solve global warming, create cures for elephantiasis and eliminate third world poverty all by half time.

But I digress.

Wales had obviously prepared for this game by listening to 48 hours of Leonard Cohen whilst consuming large doses of valium. It was a dreadful performance by the Taff who seem to think that disciplin is a proposition by Wittgenstein and not worth bothering with.

The game started as a tennis match until the sons of Hibernia - realising they were playing an anarchic 15 - went over the line twice. That was it. Gatland loaded his trusty revolver once again at half time but the writing was already on the wall.

Wales never looked like taking control even though they had the majority of the ball.

They left the field with the strains of " Why Don't You Try " enveloping them like a damp Irish mist.

From a book called
'Disorder in the American Courts' these are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
straight-faced while these exchanges were actually taking
place.

_____________________________________

1)
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at
all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And
in what ways does it affect your
memory?
WITNESS: I
forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you
give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________

2)ATTORNEY: Now
doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass
the bar
exam?
____________________________________

3)ATTORNEY: The
youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your
IQ

4)ATTORNEY: Were
you present when your picture was
taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting
me?
_____________________________________

5)ATTORNEY: So
the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And
what were you doing at that
time?
WITNESS: Getting
laid
_____________________________________

6)
ATTORNEY: She had three children,
right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How
many were
boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were
there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I
think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
_____________________________________

7)
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage
terminated?
WITNESS: By
death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was
it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a
guess
_____________________________________

8)
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the
individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium
height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was
this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless
the Circus was in town I'm going with
male
_____________________________________

9)ATTORNEY: Is
your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your
attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I
dress when I go to
work.
_____________________________________

10)
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of
them. The live ones put up too much of a
fight.
_____________________________________

11)ATTORNEY: ALL
your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.

12)ATTORNEY: Do you recall the
time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The
autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And
Mr. Denton was dead at the
time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time
I
finished
_____________________________________

13)ATTORNEY: Are
you qualified to give a urine
sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask
that
question?
_____________________________________

And
the best for last:

14)ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you
performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did
you check for blood
pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did
you check for
breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So,
then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the
autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How
can you be so sure,
Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was
sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I
see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is
possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law

THINK ABOUT IT!
MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE
LAWYERS.....

Andy Powell the six foot four Welsh back row forward was dropped from the Welsh rugby side yesterday for committing one of the most heinous crimes known to mankind. What was it I hear you ask. Murder? Arson? Stealing Beer. No! The answer you're looking for is that he drove a golf buggy whilst tanked after a night of revelry celebrating the defeat of Scotland

In retrospect his punishment was light considering the fact that he was on the M4 motorway at the time and he will appear before magistrates soon. However, as no one was hurt I must say it made me smile.

PS

I once knew a guy who had a fondness for trumpets and alcohol. He was arrested on the Stag square Treorchy, after some memorable hammering of England, for attempting to play some tune on his instrument at three thirty in the morning. The charge sheet read that " .... he did blow upon his horn in a manner likely to cause a breach of the piece" (sic)

I must report a most remarkable encounter betweeeen the Taff and Jock in Kairdiff.Dodge and Dust. Tip and Tundry. Splash and Splosh. The game moved and swirved and whittled and whined until a desperate indifferent finale moved into haggis land and thence to cawl and chips ......

Consternation has erupted here. Indignity, contempt and the whiff of skulduggery permeates the air. Why is this I hear you ask. Some political intrigue? Some accusation of watering down beer? No! It's cheating at rugby that has raised its ugly head.In a recent Heinekin cup game the Ospreys ( a fine soaring Welsh side) had the bare faced cheek to field sixteen players against The Leicester Tigers ( a dark and insidious English side who believe in the divine rights of Englishmen) . The Taff won by 17 - 12 and were well on their way to a quarter final game. It was then that the Tiger's litigious coaching staff struck siting more law breaking rules than there are when England lose a cricket game.It is surely down to the referee to observe such anomalies on the field and for Englishmen everywhere to hold that stiff upper lip and accept defeat like the cad's that they are.

Its that time again. The only time that the Taff looks fondly to the East where the Saxon dwells. The time when steak is cooked rare for three weeks. The time when wistful thoughts of Englishmen crying into their beer swells the hearts of the lowliest Welsh peasant. Twickenham time is here.HQ, as Twickenham is fondly referred to by establishment types, is situated to the south west of London in an impeccably correct locale so quintessentially middle class English that even the dogs bark in Received Pronunciation. It is unique amongst the home nations grounds as it is a considerable distance from the capital of the country where one would expect to find it. The area it sits in is green belt and red brick and is a stones throw away from Kew Gardens, Old Deer Park ( London Welshs ground ), Richmond Park and Wimbledon.To the consternation of the local gentry it is beholden on them to accommodate the Welsh hordes for a few hours every two years. It is an odd arrangement as everyone in the village seems to be in mourning on the day of the match; every curtain in every house is closed. Stranger still, the match day seems to coincide with the Festival of Padlocks. As we would adorn our homes with mistletoe or daffodils the good people of Twickenham adorn theirs with padlocks and chains.Again its that time.

Once again the Roos bounced all over the Taff like a spring virgin at a billabong barby.Wales played their usual style of ' Christmas is a coming ' rugby in order to throw the Saxon of the scent at the next Millenium ball in January.I'd like to give you a match report but I bumped in to Sir Les Patterson (Cultural Attache to the Court of Saint James) at the match and am still debating the merits of baargain buys in Wooloogolong. Hic!