He replied that he was protecting her from mosquitos in the absence of a net.

Gertie slept with one eye open for the rest of the night.

As did Myles, although it was on his Cialis enhanced knob which eventually tickled him under the chin to wake up to a glorious Venetian Morning.

They both dressed for breakfast and went down to the Breakfast Room in an uneasy silence.

The room was quite full with most of the seats and tables taken.

There was a full Sky TV film crew and several well- known actors buzzing back and fore for the continental breakfast.

Myles recognised the one off the television as being Ricky Gervais.

“ Don’t look know’ but there is that bloke David Brent from the Office!” said Myles quite proud of the fact he was in the presence of celebrity.

“ What Orifice?” asked Gertie loudly holding her ear-trumpet aloft.

“ Didn’t you have enough last night….you dirty bugger!” she continued.

“ Not the orifice…Extras etc…..!” he said innocently.

“ No Extras for you Myles …you had more than enough to last you another decade last night!” said Gertie.

Myles gave up.

He was intrigued to see a ginger tall man with glasses that looked like the bottom of milk bottles arguing with a bald Mancunian and what looked like a baby in a High Chair.

He couldn’t remember any of their names but they were all friends of Ricky Gervais.

“ Are these seats taken?” asked a young American Tourist.

“ No… help yourself….I’d only have to talk to her otherwise !” replied Myles.

“ Hi… the names Hank Marvin Haggler and this is my new wife Gloria….were from New Joisey…and we’re on Honeymoon!” said the young Yank.

“ Hello!” said Gertie looking up at the stranger, who was completely the opposite of her own husband being tall, dark and handsome.

Gloria sat down opposite her husband and looked longingly at him.

Myles looked at the beautiful young woman and then back at his wife of 50 years and wondered how a butterfly could turn into a caterpillar and then a deaf’s head moth.

“ Pass the sugar….sugar?” asked Gloria.

“ Okay …..pass the honey…honey !” asked Hank in reply.

“ Do you know …..interrupted Gertie….I have been married to him for 50 years and he has not ever once said anything like that to me!” moaned Gertie….getting in her first of many moans of the day.

Myles looked at his wife and said without a hint of emotion on his face.

“ Pass the milk you old cow!”

The silence was deafening apart from Gertie’s hearing aid of course.

More whine than the whole of the Italian vineyards.

“ This Venice water….it’s not like the clear blue stuff you get in the Venetian in Las Vegas !” said Hank sounding disappointed and trying to change the subject.

“ Well that is because everything in America is fake….fake water…fake cosmetic surgery and fake orgasms!” said Myles bitterly.

Another awkward silence prevailed followed with the American couple moving to another table as soon as one was free .

Gloria whispered to her husband ….” I hope that doesn’t happen to us!” .

“ It won’t !” said Hank…..” Say isn’t that the bloke who upset all the Hollywood A Listers at the Golden Globes?” said Hank pointing at Ricky Gervais.

On the adjoining table, the Sky TV Film crew was in uproar, as Ricky kept pinching food from the plastic tray in front of Warwick Davies and bouncing croissants of the bald-head of Karl Pilkington.

His sidekick, fellow bully Stephen Merchant sniggered at the scene and at their misfortune in a Twonks Tea Party.

Multi- millionaire Ricky had all the power and money and what he said went.

Like a real producer, telling his henchmen when to laugh and how to laugh.

Poor Warwick and Karl had to kow-tow to his bidding like ‘Idiots Abroad’ on a whim.

It was not like Ricky had done them any favours…other than make them World Famous Millionaires.

You could say if you weren’t an atheist like Ricky - that they had sold their soul to the Devil.

Gloria turned to Myles and said….” And that is the reason we never had children” she said pointing at little Warwick.

“ That’s a bit harsh isn’t it…even by your standards!” said Myles.

She then pointing at Karl, Stephen & finally Ricky.

Who just laughed like a hyena and made Derek-like expressions at the old pair.

Gloria finally plucked up enough courage to ask the celebrities for their autographs.

Ricky happily obliged asking politely who the autograph was to be made out to.

“ My husband Hank Marvin…please !” she said .

Hank waved from the other table.

“ I’m Hank Marvin too!” said Ricky picking up a sausage and eating it greedily.

“ He is a ‘shadow’ of his former self !” said Merchant following Ricky’s lead.

Both attempts at humour were lost on the young American woman, who was too young to remember the 1960’s band or that Cockney rhyming slang existed.

“ Do you want any of the others?” asked Ricky passing the pen to Warwick Davies.

“ Ewok from Star Wars…Willow Huffgood…and of course DER LEPRECHAUN !” said Ricky in a scary voice.

Warwick duly obliged in ‘shorthand’.

“ Him?” asked Ricky pointing at the bald Mancunian Twonk .

“ I’m sorry I don’t know who he is!” said Gloria.

Ricky thought this was hilarious.

The American woman didn’t have a clue who Karl Pilkington was.

“ I am sorry I should have introduced you….pointing at Karl….An Idiot…and then at the newly married New Jersey woman….A Broad…!”

Laughing at his own joke Ricky nearly fell off his chair.

Warwick Davies punched the plastic food tray with his fist in hysteria like a spoilt baby.

“ And him?” asked Karl in turn pointing at Stephen Merchant.

“ It’s okay I already have ‘Beaker from the Muppets’ autograph from Disneyland!” said Gloria.

It was Karl’s turn to join in this time as Merchant’s face went redder than a baboons arse.

Myles and Gertie had decided they had heard enough and needed to get some air away from the puerile banter.

Even their own company was preferable to this lot.

Grabbing his walking stick and her tripod wheeler walker, the pair stepped out into the magnificent Italian Sunshine to explore the Ancient City once the centre of all World Trade.

As she passed a stall Gloria picked up a postcard showing the Grand Canal and the shining white Rialto Bridge.

“ I must buy this one- if only to make Elsie at number 42 jealous that I have been abroad, do you know she hasn’t stepped one foot off British soil ever- the closest she came was as a Land Girl picking tomatoes in Guernsey….she’ll love this!” said Gloria.

“ Don’t forget to tell her that Venice is a lovely place but that all the streets are flooded!” said Myles sarcastically.

“ Good idea!” said Gertie ignorant of his jibe.

“ Do you want to go to go to see St Theodore and his crocodile in St Marks Square or the Rialto bridge that featured in Shakespeares’ a Merchant of Venice?” asked Myles hopefully.

“ What about a visit to the Pound shops or Charity shops followed by a McDonalds or KFC?” suggested Gertie.

“ Gertie- this is Venice not Merthyr- thankfully they don’t have a High Street dominated by multi-nationals unless you count Guchi & Prada…!” replied Myles.

“ But they have an Ann Summers shop…..look at all those masks in the window!” said Gertie.

“ And that one has a massive nose…is that for their Italian Prime Minster…Silvio Pinocchio …I think he is…the one who held all those Zumba Zumba parties!” said the Sun reader.

“ That mask my dear is to denote people of influence in Venetian Society ….the Doctors mask always had a bigger nose than anyone else…the mask was used as a primitive defence against the bubonic plague as people were more ignorant…like you…as they believed the disease to be carried by airborne germs rather than by fleas on the back of rats….!” said Myles trying but failing to ‘Educate’ Rita.

“ So if the disease was carried by rats….why didn’t Merthyr people get it?” asked Gertie.

“ One really big reason…Merthyr didn’t exist in the 14^th Century!” said Myles.

“ It was a hamlet back then!”

“ See Merthyr people have smoked for years ….cigars that long ago!” said Gertie once again displaying she had gone to a failing school.

Myles just shook his head in desperation.

He may as well talk to her about the plot of a tv soap.

“This is this World famous St Mark’s Square!” announced Myles triumphantly.

“ Good, I’m knackered !” said Gertie without even a glance at the beautiful architecture.

As she sat down at a chair outside the a café bar called ‘La Dolce Vita’ Gertie was pleasantly surprised as two handsome Italian waiters fought over her attention.

“ 10 Euros Pleeze…!” said the first one Don Giovanni.

“ But I haven’t ordered anything yet!” protested the Pensioner.

“ It is a charge levied to sit down at a seat in this square and its view of the Basilica!” said the oily skinned lothario.

“ What about the table?” asked Myles.

“ Nothing- but who in their right mind sits on a table?” replied the second Italian Hale Caesar.

“ Me…!” said Myles putting his foot up on his wife’s tripod and sitting cross-legged like the Dalai Lama on the glass table and obscuring the view of the Basilica with the back of his hand.

The waiters upon receipt of the Ten Euro note from a disgruntled Gertie, left the eccentric Mad Dog Eenglishman out in the Mid-Day Sun.

“ You always have to show me up don’t you….you think you are so clever….so superior to these Spanish …..!” replied Gertie.

Myles didn’t both to correct her ….he hated Latin in school but hated being ripped off as a tourist even more.

“ Where too next then my little bundle of Joy?” asked Myles sarcastically.

“ Il Ghetto…the Jewish Quarter….La Fenice or the Rialto ?” he asked hoping the haul around the narrow claustrophobic streets in this heat would see her off.

“ What about that Bridge that Alec Guinness built ?” said Gertie.

“ Your ignorance astounds me sometimes !” said Myles.

“ You have less Culture than Tory MP Maria Miller!” he said snidely.

“ Max Miller…..I used to love him…Wheeltappers and Shunters on a Saturday Night…and then bingo!” said Gertie nostalgically and very deafly.

“ Does everything in your sad World revolve around Bingo?” asked Myles.

“ That’s roulette!” replied Gertie.

Myles looked at her …her deafness had got worse and was now almost equal to her stupidity.

She was now only hearing certain words that she chose to hear…selective deafness …a condition known to affect men but not normally women.

“ C’mon I’ll show you the way to the local BINGO hall…!” he said .

“ Great!” said Gertie moving a little quicker on her tripod walker following the mention of her favourite word.

After another 15 minute walk they arrived outside the magnificent La Fenice Opera House.

“ That’s not a bingo hall!” protested the gasping old dear.

“That’s where the posh people go to hear fat people singing at stupid prices!” said Gertie.

“ The Three Tenors!” sighed Myles looking up at the hub of Venetian Society for over 400 hundred years.

“ More than that to get in there…..is that fat black woman singing there tonight?” asked Gertie.

“ Who?” asked Myles wondering what gem his ignoramus of a wife was on about this time.

“ Oprah….Oprah Winfrey?” she spouted.

Myles closed his eyes in temper.

If it had not been for the presence of a French Tourist filming a video he would have happily strangled her on the spot.

“ Time now for the piece de la resistance - !” said Myles.

“ Oh yes….I am busting too….it’s like Merthyr Town centre since they closed the Bus Station toilets…I have to find a bog soon or I will have to pee in that canal there!” said Gertie letting out a loud sulphurous fart.

“ You will have to excuse my wife…she is a little deaf!” said Myles apologising to Jean Michel Jarre .

“ Apologies….you may need more Oxygene soon!” said Myles.

“ Zut Alors!” came the reply as the cameraman wiped some shit off his lens.

The pair shuffled on like the ‘waking dead’ to the white Structure known as the Rialto Bridge.

“ This my dear is the most famous sight in Venice- this bridge dates back to Medieval times when Venice was the capital of Europe if not the World….the hub and trading centre for famous merchants like Marco Polo!” briefed tour guide Myles.

“ I like his mints but I think Trebor ones are better…you don’t get the hole in the middle!” said Myles taking the piss out of his wife before she had the time to react.

“ I know Marco Polo didn’t make mints….I’m not completely stupid!” said Gertie.

“ Who was he then?” asked Myles.

“ I don’t have to tell you!” replied Gertie defensively.

“ Come on I promise NOT to laugh….who was he then?”

“ That guy from Gladiators….they one they banned because of his drug taking….or that bloke from Made in Chelsea!” said Gertie trying to hedge her bets .

Myles broke his promise and pissed himself.

“ Marco Polo was an explorer and Venetian trader who is reputed to have started the ‘silk road’ to China!” said Myles.

“ Why would he have a Milk Round in China?” asked Gertie once again mishearing the important part.

“ Never mind!” said Myles treading the boards at the entrance to the famous Italian Bridge.

“ I’m sorry Sir but the bridge is closed today for the filming of a television series!” said a heavy duty bouncer .

“ He looks like Marco Polo from Gladiators!” whispered Gertie.

“ You can’t just close a bridge off to the public on a whim ….on whose Holy Orders…. A Papal Bull from the Pope in Rome?” asked Myles.

“ Higher than him….Ricky Gervais!” said the Scottish Bouncer Big Lonsdale Braun.

“ But there are other people on that bridge too!” protested Myles.

“ They are the crew!” said the impassive guard.

“ Oh those must be the ones Ricky asked me to get the ice cream for at breakfast this morning at our Hotel!” said Myles using brains to defeat Braun.

“ What hotel are you staying at ?” asked Big Lonny suspiciously.

“ Doge’s Palace….we were the couple arguing at breakfast!” said Myles.

“ Okay….if you’re getting the ice cream in ….mine’s a cornetto…have you seen the price on them here?” said the muscles from Musselburgh.

Myles limped away to the ice cream vendor and was disgusted to find they were 15 Euros each.

He had to buy ten.

It was a real job to carry them all.

Hidden behind a rubbish bin, lurked Lurkio the rabid dog.

He had already stolen one ice cream off Myles the day before and saw him as easy meat for a second one.

As the pair of pensioner were waived passed by Lonsdale, busily chewing on his cornetto bribe, both Myles and Gertie made their way onto the most famous bridge in all of Christendom.

Gertie motoring up the incline on her little tripod that afforded her mobility.

Myles still capable of walking unaided listened intently as the TV scene played out.

“ An Idiot Abroad Scene 5 Take 3….Gobbo the Hunchback on the Rialto Bridge” shouted Derek-tor Ricky Gervais to the entire cast and crew.

“ Action!”

Warwick Davies, all 3 foot 6 inches of him came out of the scenery dressed as Gobbo Di Rialto, the Hunchback of Venice in a bright red raincoat.

“ Don’t Look Now” said Myles.

He knew full well that his wife of 50 years always did the opposite of what he asked her to do.

Gertie opened her eyes wide as what was a remake of her nightmare unfolded.

Karl Pilkington appeared on the scene , naked bar a golden oak leaf to hide his ‘acorns’, as Ricky had put it , chased after the little blighter towards Gertie with a serrated knife shouting “Come back Gobbo you’ve pinched my nuts….come back with my Pound of Flesh!” in the worst Venetian accent ever.

The pair were heading straight in the direction of the frightened woman, who leapt onto the top of her Tripod three-wheeler for safety, away from the onrushing dwarf.

At the same time as Gertie was distracted, Gobbi the rabid dog seizing his chance ran at full pelt towards the shopping tripod and the now unguarded cornettos.

His bulk and frame combined with the wheel movement on the sloping bridge sent the old woman tumbling over the side off the Rialto Bridge into the turbulent waters of the Grand Canal below.

Myles couldn’t have planned her death any better if he had set it up.

As Gertie flew through the air….horrified bystanders saw her false teeth fly out and land with a splosh in the grey lagoon liquid.

The film crew were in uproar as they thought it was part of a stunt act hired by Ricky himself.

Stunned Ricky stopped the scene and shouted at Warwick.

“ It’s your fault get after her…!”

He picked the mini-actor up by the scruff of the neck and slung him off the bridge.

“ You too Golden Globes!” ordered Ricky to Karl.

“ I ain’t going in there Pal….I’m seen the Manchester ship canal and that is bad but this is a SHIT Canal...!” he protested.

Arriving on the scene came the local Jewish Venetian Policeman, Massal Toff to investigate the accident.

“ Did he try to kill her?” said Massal pointing at Myles to the gathered crowd.

“ He was reported as being unstable by the receptionist at the Doges Palace yesterday?”

“ No…it was an accident…!” said Karl defending the old man.

“ A Hunchback dwarf and a rabid dog knocked the old lady of the bridge!” said Stephen.

“ And you are …..?” asked Massal.

“ Stephen Merchant!” replied the googly-eyed ginger.

“ Of Venice!” quipped Ricky.

“ What are you some kind of comedian?” asked Massal aggressively.

“ Well I am actually!” said Ricky.

“ Idiot!” replied the detective.

“ No that’s him!” said Merchant pointing at Karl.

“ And if you are a Venetian detective….you must be….SHYLOCK HOLMES?” asked the all -powerful Ricky.

“ Any more outbursts from you and I’ll arrest you for obstructing the course of justice!” warned Massal.

“ Look Tom Cruise & Brad Pitt couldn’t shut him at the Golden Globes in Hollywood …what chance have you got!” said Karl.

“Am i reading this statement correctly….Gobbi the rabid dog…gobbled Gobbo the Rialto Hunchback…that sounds like Goobeldegook to me!” said the Policeman.

“ Are you taking the piss….hunchback dwarf….rabid dog…? …that sounds like a bad plot in ‘Extras’ on Sky TV!” replied Massal.

“ So you do know me then !” said Ricky smiling inanely.

“ No !” said Karl realising he had finally for once the opportunity to get one over on his Boss.

“ Ricky here threw Warwick off the bridge in temper!” said Karl.

Ricky looked at Karl with daggers coming from his eyes.

“ You do realise that ‘Dwarf Tossing’ is still illegal in Venice?” questioned Massel.

“ That’s why Warwick didn’t bring his wife on location with him!” responded Ricky trying to laugh it off.

“ Is it a strict liability offence?” asked Karl.

“ Meaning that WHOEVER you are …no matter or not if you are a celebrity you cannot be seen to be above the law in Venetian society?” asked Karl stirring the shit (with a huge pole into the Grand Canal).

“ And who says travel doesn’t broaden the mind!” said Ricky looking at the monster he had created.

“ Yes….!” Replied Massal…“ but sign this autograph for my kid and I’ll let you off!”

A call came through on Massal’s mobile.

He listened intently and then ended the call .

“ Good news Mr Soginist…they have found your wife clinging to a red and white barbers pole 300 yards down in the Lagoon….they have taken her to the Santa Maria Dei Miracola Church to give thanks…the same thing happened in the 15^th Century where a man survived after half an hour underwater….the bad news is they haven’t found her false teeth or that Dwarf yet…!” he glanced at Ricky disapprovingly.

Myles put on a happy face as he put his Wife’s Life Insurance Policy back in his pocket grudgingly.

Ten minutes later Massal got a second call.

“ Luckily for you… Mr Gervais your little friend was literally fished out of the Lagoon by a local fisherman who couldn’t decide at first, if he had caught a baby humpback whale or a demon in his net …..it was only when Warwick quoted Shakespeare to them did they believe his story he really was an actor in a Mini Theatre Company!”

“ Ah well ….said Ricky looking pensive from the centre of the Rialto bridge…The Quality of Mercy is not strained eh Massal….” All’s well that ends Well!”.

“ Get that dwarf dried out and let’s get on with the next scene….it’s costing me money!”

“ Can I take the blindfold off now?” protested his long suffering wife.

“ Yes ..okay!” said Myles Soginist to his spouse Gertie.

Blinking in the strong Italian sunlight, the 75 year old lady didn’t have a ‘scooby’ where she was.

Her husband, not normally the romantic type, had booked a surprise ‘Golden Anniversary’ to celebrate their 50 years together married.

“ What do you think then?” he said triumphantly as she faced the sign Veneto Aeropourto.

“ Bit noisy isn’t it!” she complained but not for the first time ever.

“ What did you expect…it’s a bloody airport for Christ’s sakes!” he protested.

“ Nothing is EVER right for you is it ?” he said as he shook his head trying to keep his remaining solitary brown tooth still in its gum.

Gertrude was a professional whinger, a better moaner than La Gioconda.

She was also deafer than Peter Andre having a lap dance off Jordan.

“ I brought you to Italy to see one of the most beautiful cities in the World that is rapidly disappearing under flood water and rising sea levels!” Myles said dejectedly.

“ But I’ve been to Dawlish before on tinsel and turkey!” said Gertie adjusting her NHS issue hearing aid which was whining louder like a smoke alarm on a Malaysian Airliner.

“ You daft old Bird….we are in Venice not the English Riviera!” replied Myles.

“ Venice….are you sure? …. it smells and looks like the Somerset Levels….!” said Gertie jutting her top set of false teeth up and down as she spoke.

“ Did you pack any Denture Fix ?” asked Myles.

He remembered the last time he had slept with her had been a nightmare, as with her snoring, teeth chattering and lip movements in the night , he kept waking up from a dream believing he had found the missing race horse ‘Shergar’.

Boy had Gertrude Frump changed from the woman he had first married.

Not only her Maiden Name either.

She had trebled in size- no longer the legs of Bette Grable- more like the legs of Beth Ditto…her hair had turned white and thinned so much and what remained was so straggly he felt like she could have been an extra in the ‘Waking Dead’.

She had false teeth, a glass eye, titanium hips, and drooping breasts.

She also had so many blue varicose veins in her legs she looked like a human version skin of ‘Spaghetti Junction’ on a Birmingham sat nav.

Myles being so egotistical, couldn’t see that he had aged too.

He was of the opinion he could have done better and still could if only Gertie would finally give up the ghost.

He already had his eye on the bingo caller at the local OAP complex , who always looked at him suggestively when she called the number six and nine ….69.

Myles didn’t care about her reputation as a ‘Black Widow’….or even that she came from the disputed region of ‘Chechnya’.

With Gertie’s false teeth problem, he no longer was prepared risking having a ‘Marie Antoinette’ style execution of his oldest friend and toy in the World.

“ Gondola Sir?” asked the Italian, Gio Barcorola.

“ I thought I ordered a taxi to meet us at the Airport?” asked Myles.

“ Sir, you do realise that Venice is located in a lagoon in the Adriatic Sea?” said Gio.

“ So you can’t DRIVE there then?” asked Myles.

“ This is a ‘sea taxi’ ….Is this your first visit to Italy?” asked Gio.

“ It is my first time abroad…I’m from Merthyr Tydfil, South Wales !” said Myles proudly.

At the conclusion of this statement Gio took a step back which is very difficult thing to do in a Gondola.

“ That explains it then!” said Gio.

“ 50 Euros UP FRONT please!” he said lowering the arthritic pair into the narrow boat.

“ Explains what?” asked Myles sensing the condescending nature of the statement.

“ Why you are dressed in a wrangler jacket and jeans carrying your change of underpants in a carrier bag!” replied Gio.

“ The traditional Merthyr Tydfil Wedding suit and office briefcase!” said Gio.

“ Bit choppy innit that water !” Gertrude protested.

On the surface of the grey/brown sea water filling the Venetian Lagoon , particularly around the jetty there was lots of flotsam and jetsam.

A filled ‘Pampero’ nappy floated past the gondola, as the trio made their way to the Medieval City.

“ Is it far to Venice?” asked Gertrude.

“ About ten miles by sea from the airporto!” said Gio dabbing his pole in the water and levering the little watercraft away from the shore.

As he did so he naturally started to sing ‘O Solo Mio’ only in Italian.

“ I don’t know about you Gerty, but as we are now ‘culture vultures’ …I cant put my finger on it but I have a sudden urge that I could do with a Walls Cornetto right now!” said Myles.

“ After all - we ARE on our second honeymoon!”

“ Coincidentally, I have two in my on-board mini-fridge….they don’t cost the ‘Earth’ either…only Ten Euros each!” offered Gio.

“ Ten Euros!” exclaimed Myles ….” You know where you can stick them don’t you!”

“ That’s the trouble with you Myles…in all my 50 years of marriage to you …you have always measured everything in terms of money…..!” said Gertie.

“ Money never has been my God!” said Gertie.

“ I’ll have one !” said Gertie reaching into her Merthyr purse designed with a little bell on it to detect pickpockets.

She handed Gio , a crisp Ten Euro Note who then reciprocated her smile.

“ What about him!” asked Gio.

“ After 50 years of marriage to HIM , old empty bollocks can pay for his own!” said Gertie.

Myles just scowled at his wife.

He knew that on the first bite from her loose dentures, the ice cream would go the same way the nappy did.

As if to spite him, the dentures stayed in place as she bit the chocolate and nuts off the top.

He glowered at her with every successive bite, counting 2 Euros off a time- she even licked out the wrapper so he couldn’t get even a sniff.

After thirty minutes of heavy punting, the gondola arrived at the quayside near the old Arsenale Building leading to Grand Canal.

“ What do you think of the view of this Grand Medieval city- once the centre of the European Renaissance ?” asked Myles.

“ Doesn’t it make you quiver with excitement to think that Marco Polo himself may have stood on this very spot?” said Myles.

“ Not really….said Gertie….I’d rather be down the Club with Elsie…Bingo tonight and all!”

Myles paid Gio and turned to him and said loudly.

“ Do you see what I have to put up with now?....never marry for lust Gio …marry for brains… they last longer than looks!” saged Myles imparting his wisdom.

“ Meester… I never marry …too much hastle…I am like my Venetian ancestor, Casanova my friend, I would rather screw the tourists who come here looking for love, romance and entertainment…I take their money , shag their women and eat and drink their hospitality…marriage is for eediots from abroad ….like your Mr Pilkington on Sky tv!” said the down to ‘Earth’- Gio.

“ What do I owe you?” asked Myles.

“ 70 Euros…!” said Gio.

“ It was 50 Euros when we started!” protested Myles.

“ But in the last 30 minutes there has been a run on the £…!” said the rip-off merchant of Venice.

“ I do take it you will need a ride back home at the end of the holiday!” said the Gondolier in a mildly threatening voice.

Myles realising he was in a foreign country, on an island sinking into a lagoon, with no visible alternative return vessel , suddenly realised discretion was the best part of valour and handed over the 70.00. Euros.

“ And zee tip?” asked Gio condescendingly.

“ Don’t eat yellow snow…I’ll give you a tip when you meet us back here at the Quay at 12 Noon in two days time!” said Myles.

By way of compensation, the Merthyr Man waited for the gondolier to turn his back and pinched two cornettos from his ice box.

As he waved Gio off with his remaining hand, he smiled at the greasy Italian, secure in the knowledge that he was not as stupid a ‘punter’ as he thought he was.

Myles felt a tug on the hand behind his back and turned to see a rabid mongrel dog known locally as Gobbi, foaming at the mouth , running away from him on the quayside with one of the ice-creams.

Gertie had made her way selfishly towards some shade.

Picking up the remaining half-chewed ice cream, he went down on one knee and offered it romantically to his wife of fifty years.

His knee clicked and he knew it might take a lifting crane to get him back up.

“ Well what do you think of the splendid Baroque architecture, the pastel colours and the exuberance of Venice- the Bride of the Sea- then?” asked Myles.

“ It’s alright… but it’s no Mecca is it?” said Gertie sounding like she was in fact related to Karl Pilkington.

“ Besides it stinks to High Heaven here…it doesn’t show that on the postcards!” said Gertie.

“ Why do I bother?” said Myles finally levering himself up.

“ This way!” he said pointing in the direction of the main town.

“ I hope you have booked me somewhere nice and not just a ‘Travellodge’ like last time in Weston Super Mare!” said Gertie.

“ The Doges Palace!” replied Myles.

“ I am not staying in any dog’s place!” protested the old dear mishearing her husband.

“ NOT the DOG’s PLACE….this is the DOGES PALACE…..it is a Five Star Hotel….the Doge was the Ancient ruler of Venice!” said Myles trying his best to educate pork.

A feat he had not accomplished in 50 years of Holy matrimony.

“ As long as I have somewhere to rest my varicose veins and put me teeth in a glass I’ll be fine….!” said Gertie

“ and somewhere to rest my Dukes…..!” mouthed Myles knowing in anticipation what his wife would say before she said it.

After 50 years of marriage, his life had become so predictable, so mundane and deliberate he secretly hoped death would take him soon.

Or better still Gertie.

That was part of the reason he had taken his spouse to Venice.

He knew from reading history, that it had lost almost a third of its population to the Black Death or bubonic plague in Medieval times and hoped his wife might contract it.

“ You’ll like this next bridge ….it is one of Venice’s most famous attractions…Ponte del Sospiri!” said Myles pointing up.

“ It was recently refurbished with a UNESCO World Heritage Site Grant…..it is called the Bridge of Sighs !”

“ What about it ?” moaned Gertie disinterested.

“ I don’t understand ….you normally like misery….especially mine …!” said Myles

“ Do you know why it is named that?” he questioned.

“ No….and I don’t really care…I could have won the National tonight!” said Gertie.

“ The prisoners from the local jail that were sentenced to death were paraded over this very bridge.!” continued Myles relentlessly.

“ You see my dear….in Venice…you are never far away from death…the Grim Reaper casts a shadow much greater than that of St Mark…!” said Myles chillingly, in a way as if in some Freudian way , he had finally made up his mind once and for all.

“ What are you mumbling on about …you know I am deaf …especially here in Venice…your bloody snoring did that….!” moaned Gertie.

For the rest of the journey to the Hotel, the pair moved in silence , through the narrow streets and alleyways in a similar fashion to those Venetian prisoners condemned to die had moved all those years ago.

When they reached the Doges Palace Hotel, exhausted from heatstroke and sweating like bingo players waiting on the final winning number, they collapsed inside.

“ Can I take your suitcase Madam?” asked the concierge.

Gertrude handed him her Aldi carrier bag containing one pair of C & A knickers and a spare pair of socks.

Merthyr people pack lightly- as they are too mean to pay excess baggage fares at Cardiff Wales Airport.

“ Is Madam staying long?” asked the fawning Italian hoping to get a tip for service.

“ He tells me he’s paid for Four days!” she said pointing uncaringly at her Spouse.

As if telepathically, the concierge looked at the underwear and back at Gertie.

“ Wear them once forward, once backwards, then inside and out and they are marked C & A so I know which direction to wear them!” she said to her Venetian ‘flunkey’.

The look of horror was enough to know that not only would he not get a tip, but that imagery would stay with him for life.

The other cultural ambassador for Merthyr walked up the reception desk with his little ‘pinky’ finger crooked upward in a vain attempt to appear posh.

“ Bueno Vista Mon Amigo…I have reserved the Honeymoon suite for my wife and I for four nights under the surname Soginist…!” said Myles.

The Italian didn’t even raise her head in courtesy from her mobile phone.

Myles coughed politely.

Gertie looked around her at the foyer and the extensive decoration of Venetian Gothic design with over elaborate golden gilded pillars and cameo reliefs in white alabaster and Murano stained glass.

“ Myles …..are we sure we can afford this?…it is like going into one of those Cardiff Solicitors offices…I don’t want to pay for all this!” said Gertie.

“ Don’t worry my dear…you have to live every day at our age as if it is our last….you might die tomorrow…you never can tell !” he said and then muttering under his breath….” I live in hope!”

Finally, the Italian Belladonna looked up at him with beautiful brown eyes….eyes that he could happily drown in for ever…..she looked like a younger version of Sophia Loren only even more attractive.

Louisa the receptionist, looked at the odd couple before her and immediately felt pity for them.

He had more hair coming out of his nose and ears than he had on his head with a bulbous nose that W C Fields would have been proud of.

Whilst she was more wrinkled than a walnut belonging to the character, Madge in the TV series Benidorm.

Her drooping lop-side faced made her look like a Basset Hound chewing a wasp.

Louisa looked through the booking list and asked for the passports to verify identity.

As she opened up the passports and photocopied them , she noticed that the British Government Uncivil Servants in the Passport Offices still had a sense of humour.

Whilst specific instructions were given not to smile, the Passport office had added holograms to the photographs which made Myles look as if he had a nose ring and a huge elephant ears , whilst Gertie had snipers crosshairs on her fore head which made her look like John F Kennedy in Dallas, Texas in 1963.

Sniggering to herself , she handed them back to Myles, who took this as a sign ‘he had pulled’.

“ Grazi Senor!” he said to Louisa.

Louisa signalled for Mario to collect their belongings totalling one Aldi carrier bag and one more expensive Asda bag.

When Mario asked about the same, Myles quipped that unfortunately he had now ‘two bags for life’.

A joke that was totally lost in translation.

But the simulation of wanting to strangle his wife was not.

Louisa felt particularly uncomfortable at the crazy look in his eye and the aggression in his face.

The lift ride was also uncomfortable as due to Gertie’s deafness , what she thought were silent chapel farts in the small claustrophobic elevator, could be heard by most people on most of the Hotel Floors and at one point did scatter the pigeons in St Mark’s Square- a mile away.

As they reached the 13^th Floor, Mario opened the lift doors and guided the ancient pair towards their even more ancient room.

He bowed gracefully but in all honesty mainly to get more oxygen in his lungs, he held out his hand for a gratuity.

Myles took it and shook it and placed a Werther’s original butterscotch sweet in his palm.

“ No need to thank me son!” he said slamming the door in the servants face before he could react.

Gertrude looked around at the four poster bed and ornately decorated room that would have not been out of place in a Sky Atlantic set of the Borgias.

“ Do you like it?” asked Myles still hopeful there was just the faintest glimmer of the girl he had married there under the surface.

The flame of love was quickly extinguished.

“ I can’t stay here!” protested Gertie.

“ But it’s beautiful…..it’s the Honeymoon suite ….to celebrate our 50^th Wedding Anniversary!” proffered Myles.

“ Golden walls for my Golden Girl on her Golden Anniversary in a city known as the Bride of the Sea!” he said romantically.

“ Don’t like it….you know I have condition called Khyzdophobia!” she snapped.

“ But those aren’t dwarves up there on the walls Luv…they are Cherubs…winged naked little boys known as ‘Putti’ to us Art lovers and culture vultures!” he said voice tailing off knowing that he could never reason with a closed mind.

The last 50 years or the ‘Golden Age of Matrimony ’ as he liked to call it had proved that very fact.

“ I can be putti in your hands tonight!” he said hopefully.

She just glared at him with her single eye.

“ Okay…I have Nanosphobia …I don’t care …..it is like being backstage at a 1970’s BBC Top of the Pops set….I can’t sleep with all those naked boys staring at me all night!” said Gertie.

“ You’d never make a good DJ then!” quipped Myles.

“ Those paintings are the work of the famous Renaissance artist Tintoretto….Philistine!” said Myles.

“ Never heard of Philistine!” said Gertie ….” Although that is a Goliath of a painting…who is that little shepherd boy using his catapult on that Orc …..is that the Lord of the Slings?”

Myles just shook his head at the woman that thought Stephen Fry was in the TV show IQ and that Meerkats from Russia could actually talk.

He wondered what he had ever seen in this human equivalent of a Booby bird.

That’s right…. it was her pert breasts fifty years ago.

Now they were so elasticated she had to tuck her nipples in the top of her stockings.

He knew he would get no peace tonight, if he didn’t ring reception.

He held his hand over the receiver and pretended to speak to Sophia.

“ I am very sorry to bother you !” he said in his best telephone voice even if it was to tell a complete lie.

“ But my loving wife is not satisfied with the best room in your hotel or even in fact it is the best in Venice but we need to switch to a much more inferior room ….if possible one without a sea view or overlooking the beautiful Campanile of St Mark ….yes I know she’s awkward try living with her for 50 Golden years…but Madame here doesn’t like it because she has a phobia of the little people ….it affects the older generation that’s why it is called NANosphobia…..yes try googling it ….it really is a true condition it just affects old awkward battle-axes who complain about everything….yes I appreciate there are gender differences….men are from Mars and women from Venice….but hey the customer is always right…..any chance you could move us to the lowest cockroach and rat ridden basement below canal level if possible next to a sewerage outfall ….just to give my spouse something genuine to moan about?.....sorry….what was that?” asked Myles in a Fawlty-esque conversation.

“Fully booked love!” he exclaimed.

“ Something to do with the Carnivale and of course - a Sky Film crew filming a documentary here!” said Myles.

“ Well , you will have to draw the curtains around the bed then so I can’t see them!.....I am exhausted I haven’t had my afternoon nap….I’m fit to drop!” she moaned collapsing on the four poster.

Myles seeing his opportunity tried his luck.

After closing the velvet drapes he asked his beau.

“Shattered are you?.....”

Gertie opened her one eye like a Cyclops.

“ Do you have a headache too then?” he enquired further.

“ No….!” said Gertie.

“ Well that’s the first time in a decade then….time for a bit of rumpy !” said Myles.

Gertie was trapped.

She like Boy George preferred a good cup of tea to sex.

Unlike Boy George she didn’t like the same kind of teabags.

It was her Second Honeymoon….how could she refuse?.

Myles was off like a shot popping a blue Cialis pill as he rummaged through more sets of drawers than a Gurnos burglar.

After removal five layers of lady undergarments, he knew he was close …either that or the Rialto Pescheria fish market was working late.

She may be hard of hearing he thought but not herring.

He looked down a sight he had not seen for ten whole years.

Surely it hadn’t closed up from lack of use?

Was that a vaginal cataract or just a cobweb?

Myles didn’t care.

The dog had seen the rabbit and was off on a chase.

To him an old one closing was just as good as a young one opening.

30 seconds later the old dog was a spent force.

He looked up to the painted Heavens on his Honeymoon Suite ceiling.

He felt like King David , Peter Andre and Gareth Gates must have after they had scaled the peaks of Jordan.

“ Have you finished yet?” asked Gertie looking down over her ‘Chat’ Magazine.

Due to the chemical enhancement Myles tool didn’t stay down long.

It was like it was spring loaded.

Like the Grand Old Duke of York before him, the new Doge of Venice grabbed his wife and began to use ‘Doge- y style’ on the poor woman.

If it got any hotter Myles knew he would have to dip it into the other ‘Grand Canal’.

Very soon the old man became de-hydrated as there wasn’t much liquid left in his body- but the same could not be said for Gertie who was like the ‘Orinoco Flow’.

He had not seen such foaming at the mouth since that rabid cornetto- thieving dog two hours ago.

Despite this marathon love session Myles was still intent on killing his spouse.

Unfortunately, this was no longer the preferred method of choice.

He collapsed on his side of the bed and tried to beat down his knob with his a piece of Venetian Carnivale costume.

It added a new meaning to the ‘Masked Ball’.

Gertie laughed in her sleep at his performance almost like a comedy of errors at the nearby ‘La Fenice’ Opera House.

She slept for four hours after his exertions.

Gertie’s mood suddenly darkened and then her face became twisted and distorted as her dream suddenly became a nightmare.

Inside, her mind played out a scene, where she was trapped on a Venice Bridge, surrounded by little people with jagged knives all out to kill her like the psychotic dwarf dressed in a yellow raincoat in the Julie Christie/Donald Sutherland film ‘Don’t look now’.

It was almost as if her body sensed that her husband now stood next to her with a pillow ready to suffocate his miserable wife.

Myles was weighing up in his mind whether or it was worth it or not.

On the one hand he would nag free, but on the other he would be sent to prison for the remainder of his natural life.

But the question he pondered was whether or not four square meals a day, no utility bills and peace and solitude would be that bad – after all at 78 years of age he was not like to be anyone’s prison bitch.

Gertie made up his mind for him, as she opened up one eye (full of eye-snot deposited by the Venetian sandman from the lagoon ) and asked suspiciously what exactly her husband was doing with that pillow in his hand , as he hadn’t made a bed ever in his 50 years of marriage.

It was Monday morning at 8.45 am , as the flame haired librarian opened the front door of the Merthyr Central Library.

Greeting him was afamiliar sight …the back of the Statue ofLord Buckland - HenrySeymour Berry- resplendent in caped attire and open book in hand….only today , he wore an orange traffic cone on his head…which made him look like a modern dayHarry Potter.

“ I know he is due to be taken away to be cleaned soon but ….!”

Using all of his 6 feet frame, he managed to climb onto the plinth of the statue and stretchingout with old Imperial Pool cue , he pushed the offending cone down into the High Streetbelow.

“ Bloody Hoodlums…. they have no respect….” he muttered under his breath.

Senior Librarian Simon Stallone , had like the statue , been a permanent fixture at the Central Library for over 30 years and both had witnessed first hand the under-class generation of Merthyr Tydfil.

Their motives had changed over the years,they now only used the Library tosteal reference books ’with pretty pictures’ and surf internet porn sites.

But mild-mannered Stallone had had enough… whilst he still had a good head of hair ..his mop ofred hair was now tainted by a giant silver streak…however, his temper had not mellowed and hehad over the last six months enrolled inthe Dowlais Community Centre Boxing Gym and had bulked up to Eight Stone.

No longer was he- Simon ‘Rambo’ Stallone ,a push over …he had turned in his alter ego- Superhero Conan the Librarian.

Putting back his pool cue in his belt, the blue tunic flying defiantly in the breeze , he climbed the front concrete steps two- at -a time and spun the revolving doors aggressively.

“ Don’t push me !” he growled as the narrow glass compartmentshuffledhim from the street into the library hallway.

The street thugs had drawn ’First Blood’.

*********************************************************************************

“ When shall we three meet again?” asked the shadowy female figure as the sun began to rise from behind the Aberdare mountain.

The three naked witchesstopped their circle danceand released each other’s hands as one.

As the wheelie bin fuelled firesank into its embers,the Heolgerrig Coven stopped its celebration of the Celtic festival of Sam Hain and Upper Colliers Row field returned to normality.

From his first floor window of his former Council house, former teacher Sean Fein, penned his latest CelticPoem.

The Bard of Brondeg sat silently as he observed his wife Dawn Corus dressing back into her NHS Sister’s uniform ready for her morning shift.

At this time of year, he was always up at the crack of Dawn.

The three wizened old crones who danced by night,transformed at the first light of the Spring morning into young women at the peak of their maidenhood ,by using a strange magic and lots and lots of Elizabeth Arden beauty products.

Her fellow witches also suddenly re-appeared as respectable members of the community- Megan Phillips -a District Nurse and her friendPippet Boots became awhite coated Chemist .

The remaining signs of their pagan sisterhoodwere removed, asthe District Nurse loaded her spell book into her Volkswagon convertible …ensuring that her black cat ‘Katy’ was safely installed in the front seat.

She like her fellow ‘white witches’ had people to heal.

*********************************************************************************

Simon Stallone stood behind the library ‘issue’ counter and was busily stamping the books returned by one of his regular library users who enjoyed baiting the streaked- haired librarian.

His blue tunic bore testament to the number of minority groups and fringe societies to which he was enrolled as a member.

His pin badges proudly declared that he was part ofthe ’Save the Panda Fund’ , Plaid Cymru, Greenpeace, Help the Aged , the Rainbow Alliance.

His favourite was the Merthyr Vale Man United supporters Club badge Eric the Red Devil.

These badgesstood for everything the ‘ Street Scum’ did not.

He cared for the environment , for animals and for elderly people.

His latest boast was that he was the only person in Merthyr Vale to become botha member of the two WWF‘s- World Wildlife Fund and World Wrestling Federation…even if he did get a VWF from the local yob centre when he walked passed the Windsor Pub or the ’Black’ sporting his collection of badges.

“ Dead Men don’t wear Plaid!” said Mike Hammer looking at thepolitical pin badges on the librarian’s collar.

“ Don’t push me….!” snarled Stallone…anger bubbling just below the surface…as he snapped back at the customer.

“I’m sorry…whispered Hammer…I thought this was a library ….I will say it in that Dead Tongue language of yours…..- Welsh…..- so you understand ….. SSHUSSIO……”

As the queueof people behind the annoying Hammer began to increase…the librarian powder-keg began to shake….lifting a huge tome returned in amongst some District Nurse Study Books …he thought for a split second about whacking his agitator with a ’ Hammer’ blow.

Unfortunately, the library attracted oddballs from all walks of life- ……..and that was just the staff.

As he passedthe returnedbooks to fellow librarian Meibion Glyndwr….he turned to the next customer knowing he had to bite his tongue….” I wish that Hammer had a dead tongue…” he muttered.

As Meibion Glyndwr moped away …-as if followed by an invisible rain cloud- he carried the books back to theNon -Fiction 500’s- Chemistry and Science,failing to notice the strange glow coming from the heavytome.

“ Oi butt….got any books on badger baiting….“interrupted two scruffy youths - Hugo Pinch and Nick Adidas- from the other side of the counter.

“ Do you mind …wait your turn…said Stallone politely …as he served a elderly lady whose head had tilted and dropped through age onto her chest, who was innocentlyreturning her Mills & Boonlove stories and under the counter “ Lady Chatterley’s Lover”…..

“ Cor ….look at that Granny Hugo …did you pinch her neck bolts?laughed the baseball -hatted youth looking like an extra from theTrisha Show.

“ Excuse me….said Stallone to the insulted pensioner ….as Chairman of bothWWF’s …I have some pond life to deal with….!”

In the absence of a phone box to change in, our Hero entered the Junior Library as a mild-manner Librarian and returned asSuperhero-” Bookwormman!!!!!!” .

“ This a job for the tuniced crusader…Is it a bird …is it a plane…no…. it’s an infant’s chair!“ said….‘Rambo’ splintering the wooden seat over the heads of the youths to the cheers of the gathered book-returners and library staff , as he opened the emergency doorand bootedthe pair of street scum down the library steps.

“ Your both black-listed!!!!” Stallone shouted as Kong- like he beat his 26 inchchest.

Mike Hammer just sat unusually silently in the reading room doing his daily crossword .

He would think twice about baiting the ‘library’ badger again.

**********************************************************************

“ Oh Stallone….you are my hero…!!!!” .came the cry from a blonde Brecon Bombshell from her reference library home on the first floor.

“ I’m sure when I check your family tree later……I’ll find you aredescended from the finest stock of Welsh working class heroes…and street fightersMerthyr has produced.

“ I wish ….!!!“ declared Rambo picking up the Tome for the second time.

Looking at the beautifully hand carved Celtic writing he noticed its words seemed to shimmer orange then stop.

“ Meibion …cover the counter for me …I have tofeed the fishand send some corn-dogs down the Taff”

**********************************************************************************

As he said on his library throne in the downstairs khazi …Rambo worried about the onset of his recent haemorrhoidproblem.

From within an inate voice was saying “ Don’t push me!!!!”

As he turned the front cover,he read the Celtic Words GRAN GRIMWAR…or the Witches Bible.

He realised immediately that it was written in a strange tongue…

He tried to translate , but it was difficult………. Twtty down by the bosh…. and I’ll be there now in a minute…… of course,he thought it is in Wenglish.

It contained a strange warning which read….

NON WYCH BEWARE ….FOR YE SPELL ATA PRICE….YOUR WISH SHALL BE MET… BUT ONLY THE THRICE….ROCKY TIMES AHEAD FOR YOU …. A PETRIFIED SACRIFICE …..

Rambo began to shit himself which was both a blessingand a curse.

“ I wish I could get rid of this piles… he moaned…I have more hangers-on than a Freeman of the Borough ceremony.

Like the toilet bowl below ….the book glowed orange …. And Rambo smiled as it dawned on him that this was the end of his ‘First Blood’.

He was happy as for the first time for years , he could lift pristine Persil white CND underpants….bearing the motto ’Y Fronts prevent fallout‘.

*******************************************************************************

“ Have you seen a book ….?” asked the District Nurse…frantically to counter man Jan Bollock.

“ Unless you hadn’t noticed BIG nose….this IS a library…course I have seen a book…never read one though!”came the reply.

“ One with gold Celtic lettering….about 600 years old…ducking stool proof….” she continued hastily…only I am late for my next patient…I need it for a short spell….. Besides its my answer to L’Oreal anti-aging cream ”

Her black cat curled around her shoulders….

“ Are you a witch…. !“Asked Bollock in his native Pentrebach sarcastic brogue answering a question with a question.

“ Why do you say that? “ replied the hag…… worried that she had been spotted dancing naked in Heolgerrig again and not just in the Six Bells & Red Lion.

“ Cos you got a BIGGGGGG Nose!….besides …..!“ declared Bollock …staring at the cat…..she looks familiar……anything else I can NOT help you with?”

“I don’t suppose you havean eye of anewt or toadpoles ears do you ? Asked Megan aging by the second.

“ Try the Jamie O ‘Liver Cookery Section sponsored bySainsbury - Section 600 Domestic Science” came the seductive reply.

“ I don’t suppose you want to buy some Genuine Dylan Thomas sweat do you…the American Tourists lap it up. I call ’Under (arm)Milkwood ? . Asked Bollock

Like most exasperated customers of the Library, she threw her warty hands in the air in dismay , twitched her nose anddisappeared suddenly.

Only the cat remained …which darted passed Bollock and hid beneath the shelves of the 600’s Non- Fiction section of shape-shifting and MedievalSciences.

****************************************************************************

As Rambo wiped his hands on the reading room velvet curtains he noticed that the room was unusually silent.

As part of his Senior Librarian duties he had to put out the daily journals and newspapers in the Reading Room.

It was a plan designed by the Head of the Ranch - Chief Librarian Dan Blocker -‘Hoss the Boss’…who felt that it would increase the circulation and lead to a ‘Bonanza’ on lending book numbers.

The introduction of the daily newspapers pinned up on the boards had in fact increased the library users but made it look like a deaf man’s version ofLadbrokes.

Still Rambo ….loved a bet on the horses and he was as always in shares with the female library cleaner.

AnitaCoggins,theLibrary Cleaner,could always be found in the reading room studying form with her Racing Post and lucky can of Mr Sheen…to ensure that the horse produced a polished performance.

Looking up at the broadsheets in front of him Rambo declared “ Mirror…., Mirror on the Wall…who’s the fairest one of all!!!!”

As if by magic,the sporting pages dulled into the background as certain horse names seemed to jump out at him in Orange bold type.

12.30 REDCAR - BLACK MAGIC

1.15 RIPON-UNBELIEVER

2.30 - CATTERICK - SPELLBOUND

3.15 NEWBURY -TURN TO STONE

Was this his lucky day…he had to believe.

As the Electric Light Orchestra song ‘Turn to Stone’ popped into head he sensed an unease about his situation.

Was there a ‘ Strange Magic’ abroad on the Celtic festival of Sam Hain.

‘ Turn to Stone’hewondered aloud.

Mike Hammer sat crossword in hand buthad he been able to speak or move he would have warned the Librarian that the initials of the horses spelt the word….BUST.

His jibe about the Welsh language being a dead tongue had left him with a dead tongue and the two would never have a ’crossword’ between them again.

As Rambo shuffled Sammy Davies Junior - Style into Ladbrokes (brought on by his continual use of the revolving doors) he placed his bets at the counter on the four horses of his apocalypse.

He would have got better odds at Joe Coral but he was banned for life because of afolly in hisyouth.

During his days in PETA and ANIMALISTY INTERNATIONAL days he had ’cat burgled’ andfreed all the caged hamsters and white mice in the Victoria Street Pet Shop before setting fire to the premises.

Unfortunately ,the blaze had spread to the opposite Global Video store… which meant he was the first registered animal activist and environmentalist to be charged with Global warming.

Joe Coral too benefited , as they becameodds on favourites to annex the burnt out store.

The fact that had been ‘arson about’ was never declared to the Council otherwise he was unlikely to be allowed to work in the second most combustible building in town.

As he was found in the Town centre with pockets full of mice surrounded by more Cats than an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical , he was dragged to help withthe Police with their enquiries.

He had hated cats with a vengeance ever since.

**********************************************************************************

As Rambo finished the rest of his shift, he continued to serve his beloved public but was surprised by his sudden interest in ELO songs.

As he put back onto the shelves volumes of Cowboy stories….he began to hum ‘Wild West Hero‘

In the Biography Section he placed back the Diary of one Horace Wimp.

Imagine his ’Confusion’ when ’All over his world’’Strange Magic’ was at work as every thing he did seemed to end in a ’Rock Aria’.

“ Shine a little light’ over here asked Bollock kneeling down beneath the Card Index System near the400’s looking for something.

He was joined by mobile librarians the bespectacledDewi’ Decimal’ Parry and Phil Collins.

“ What have you lost? “ asked Rambo

“ I have been doing some Cat A Logging….!” replied Bollock….and I know there is a missing ‘Southpaw under there somewhere….if only I had a ‘Corgi or aKorky cricket ball I could get him out!”

“ I thought there was something in the air tonight !“ replied Collins sniffing cat pee…. Well Rambo….I’d like to help …..but I ’ve got to get moving…they don’t call us mobile librarians for nothing.!”

Glancing up at the clock …Rambo could see it was 5 O‘clock and time for the first shift to leave.

He could see something else too.

He thought he could see the face ofa long dead boxing champion staring back at him from the clock face.

As the staff and customers filed passed him, Rambo could only mumble the word ‘Argloed’.

One bearded man refused to budge as he tried to climb the stairs to the reference library.

“ Excuse me Sir, but the reference library isnow closed” declared Rambo.

“ Waarawarra….SchooMU Chucka-I have come over from Australia to TRACE my family tree…my grandfather was from Merthyr…the names Rolf- Didgeridoo- Harris…you may have heard of me…two little boys and all that ….I only want a quick walkabout”

“ I thought you looked a bit dodgy…no one DRAWS in the Reference library ….OUT and stop making those irritating guttural noises….I am Chairman of ‘ Save the ABOS’ New & Old South Wales Committeeand you ’re notindigenous! Declared Rambo closing the wooden front door on his trailing beard.

“ Bloody Hell ..those reference users get stranger and strange…I know Jacobs crackers…but she attracts some ‘ real beauties’.

Looking up at the original ‘Dai Watkins ‘Dial M for Merthyr’ footballClock , Rambo againthought he could see the face of a long dead boxing champion staring back at him from it’s own clockface.

I must have spent too long in the Charles Dickens section,he thought shrugging of the apparition.

As he regained his senses , he bolted the front door and decided to check his betting results.

To his amazement his £10.00 accumulator bet looked good.

The first Horse ’Black Magic’ had romped home at 10/1, his second ‘Unbeliever’ was a 40/1 long shot but also had beaten the field

Rambo just felt that something was not quite right.

His third steed ‘Spellbound’ had won a photo finish at 15/1 .

His heart pounded hard in his chest…his brow full of ginger and greysweat… as he checked the final results ofthe Newbury races…..was it his lucky day after 30 years of ‘seconds’ and so many near misses.

As he stood waiting for the page to load …he was amazed to discover that in a locked library a black cat was about to cross his path.

Looking at the feline,he could not believe his eyes as the shape shifter transformed from Grimalkin into a beautiful young girl with perfectly manicured nails.

“ Who are you…?“ was the words Rambo heard his own mouth say.

“ She is Katy Copycat…copy-cat Katy….familiar to the head of the Heolgerrig Coven’ came a voice booming out of the computer speakers.

“She is a harbinger of doom….an’ Evil Woman!”…said the voice…re- starting the ELO flashbacks for Rambo.

“ I know your face …your Dic Penderyn! “ announced Rambo staring at the computer screen.

“ Well the rope does give it away!…. Announced Penderyn.

“ What does she want with me?” asked Rambo fingering hovering over the computer delete button.

Don’t push me …the button seemed to say as Rambo’s legs turned to stone.

“ Remember the book of shadows ….?“ came a male voice steppingforth from the darkness of the 700’s sporting section.

“ I know you too ……your world champion Howard Winstone …you’re myand everyone in Merthyr’s hero…you beat everyone they threw at you…you didn’t beat the Grim Reaper too!”

Looking to his rightRambo could see that Katy Copycat had transformed from her initial youthful selfinto a200 year woman and then into the deathly figurebut the whole timewas busily manicuring her cuticles with her scythe.

“ Out of the way …fatty… boomedMatchstick Man World championJohnny Owen to the Grim Reaper…..” butt…you should be like all us Gurnos and Swansea Road muckers ….leave allbookswell alone….. their dangerous see ….!

“ Yeah , too much of a Gamble!” ….said another famous Penydarren shadow- Boxer.

“ Win stone….win coal….Win iron…Win steel ….my Howard could win any one…announced Commonwealth Boxing legend and top promoter Eddie Thomas…and he beat that Mexican Saldivar in Cardiff in 1967too…dodgy judges!”

“ I can’t believe it ….all my boxing heroes in one room and a manicured Southpaw …come to see me…I feel champion.“ replied Rambo.

“ but why me…what do you all want…”

“ You accidentally summoned us when you opened the Gran Grimwar- the Book of Shadows was consulted by us all before we fought our way to the top…it brings mixed blessings… to all true Celtic Warriors…..!”

“ So that’s why the Rugby Team folded!….said Dic Penderyn from the computer speakers“

“ So that’s how you won…. Johnny …you cast a spell on your opponents….and that’s why Winstone was known as the Welsh Wizard…. but if that’s the case…. You won British Empire and Commonwealthand European Titles ….. so how come you didn’t win the World Title Eddie…?

“ Easy….Same judges as the Saldivar fight…of course…he replied head bowed uncomplaining.

“ Mixed Blessings”….muttered Rambo as he pressed the key board realisingthat he didn’t need a crystal ball to know the Newbury result.

“ Rubbish ….chuckled Winstone …“Eddiewas always ‘second’ to me… chuckled the ever mischievous Howard.

“ Can I see the price anyway ?“ Rambo asked the Reaper.

Who nodded a reply

His legs like his horse had ‘Turned to Stone’ and the £55,000.00riding on the final horse was lost .

“ Gone Bust….I see now !“ replied Rambo ….“Rocky times Ahead…. it is clear as a ring-side bell…!”

“ Oh , by the way….said Dic Penderyn……I did stab that Brecon Soldier Sergeant Donald Black…it WAS me…he wouldn’t let me in the Kirkhouse see….thanks for the pardon anyway…I blamed Rolf Harris Grandfather on his death bed!”

“ Mixed Blessings” was the echoing words of the trio of boxers and the Head Librarian asthey alldisappeared into the night.

***********************************************************************

As the Council Leader , Mayor and other dignitaries stood outside the Central Library.

Many people were baffled by the events of the night before.

Why was a dead man with no tongue found in the reading room.

Why were two ’Gurnos Muckers’ found killed by a Badger in Cwm Glo woods.

Why was visting celebrity Rolf Harris trapped all night by his beard to the Library front door.

Oh and where exactlyhad Rambo gone… his mother had rung into lifeline.

Asthey introduced the brother of Neath MP Peter Hain to the stand all was to be revealed.

“ I , Sam Hainnewly installed President of the Dic Penderyn Society hereby declare this fourth Celtic statue in Merthyr Town Centre to benow open”

If the good people of Merthyr had lookedclosely at the Statues in St Tydfil Square that morning they would not have believed their eyes.

The statues ofHoward Winstone and Johnny Owen appeared to smile knowing they had an new ‘Spar’ringpartner.

And the ‘eddie- face ‘ in Bethesda Street which had fought many bouts for and against the Council kept stony faced about their secret.

“ Did they ever find the body of Simon ’Rambo’ Stallone” asked Sam Hain leaning on the Ginger and Grey streaked Statue.

The inscription written in Wenglish on the Central Library statute plinth read mysteriously .

“ Don’t push me…I’ve gone bust!”

"I dont care what the ultrasound picture shows there is definitely more than one up there!" said the newly qualified Doctor. Jamie Roberts lowered his Davy Helmet so that the light didn't blind the expectant father , his Royal Highness the future Prince of Wales.

"Look I dont tell you how to fly that RAF Valley helicopter now do I ?" reasoned the former Cardiff medic. From inside the womb the twin babies continued their foetal conversation.

"Look I am not going out first into the land of the giants. Have you seen the size on that Doctors head?" said the male heir.

"Why should I go first?" asked the female twin.

"Well everybody knows its Ladies first when it comes to the aristocracy!" replied her brother.

"But if I go first it might cause a constitutional crisis on the issue of female succession!" replied the little girl.

"That one was probably hiding behind the other on the scan. Look theres definitely two of them up there. I can see three legs and hear them talking!" said Jamie.

"There was only one on the ultrasound and being an RAF pilot I know my radar screens!" said the Duke of Cambridge.

"Do you mind. I don't really care how many are hiding up there. It's not a Romanian lorry at Dover customs. Could you pass the pethadene?" asked the future Royal Mam.

"Is there any chance you could also ask the staff at the state hospital to stop taking photographs of my wifes lower parts on their camera-phones? I asked for a room with view not a Womb with a view !" said William.

"I am sorry but you will appreciate this is a state Hospital the Queen Camilla Hospital in Merthyr Tydfil - we treat everyone on an equal footing, gypsies AND future kings!" said the Doctor.

"I got a feeling that one of the babies whose head was engaged has headed North again as I can see its tiny little legs now!" he continued.

"Once more unto the breech Prince Harry!" sighed William as his brother looked on at the spectacle.

You'll never look at THAT the same way again brother! said Harry laughing. At least it proves we are blue blooded! he continued.

"Oh why couldn't you have flown me to a proper hospital which isn't on the top of the mortality league table?" groaned Kate.

"I told you, someone left the helicopter petrol tank half empty on his jolly back to Afghanistan !" said William pointing the Royal finger at his brother.

"I think its great that a future King and Prince of Wales be born in Wales !" said Harry trying to change the subject. "At least down here Grandpapa and Grand Maam wont interfere with your plans!" The soldier continued.

"Do you have any names yet?" asked the Doctor.

"Jamie is nice! Jamie Al Fayed Zorba Windsor Saxe De Coburg. Does have a pleasant ring to it!" said Harry.

"Great name for an English King after all Jamie IS a strong rugby mans name!" said the British Lion.

"Old HRH Mirren would have a thrombo if she heard that one!" said William laughing. "Though come to think of it our mother was fond of strong rugby players names!" said Harry.

"Carling anyone?" asked Jamie drinking from a can. "Come on its a celebration. It's not every day you get to deliver a future monarch!"

"Carling IS a nice name!" mumbled Kate.

From inside the womb the pair of siblings tested each other out.

"Well if you wont go down the chute first why don't we go down together?" suggested the female.

"Good idea one leg each we can pop out together. Do you think that giant with the head of a Cwmtaff Swede can catch us both at the same time?" asked the male.

"Well he is wearing a tee- shirt bearing the slogan Welsh & Irish Lions destroyers of Australia 2013I assume he must be a rugger chap!" said the female.

"Good spot. He should not only be able to catch us but throw us a dummy in the same movement!" said the male.

"Well if you go first you'll be third in line to the throne. Me just by virtue of my gender will be way down the Royal pecking order. I'll probably be married orf to a European Duke to secure a peace treaty or something!" said the female.

"Okay!" she said putting her leg in the delivery chute. As she did so her brother threw her a dummy of his own and shoved her in the back to the point of no return.

"Bastard!" she yelled as she flew down the uterus like a kid in a Walt Disneys Typhoon Lagoon water ride culminating with her head sticking out of the Middleton Minge.

"Well this little Princess didnt have much trouble exiting this tunnel.  Just checking that there is no obstruction. Whats this ?" asked Dr Rhino Pads 2013.

"Whats wrong?" asked a nervous Duke .

"Never seen this before. The umbilical cord is caught around something ...it's okay it is a little silver spoon in her mouth. Don't worry this child will never know hunger, fear or working stress in their lifetime!" said Jamie.

"Shit it doesn't have any front bits Willy?" said Harry dejectedly.

"Thats because its a girl!" said Jamie. "I learned the difference in the University Cardiff Medical School!"

"Are you sure its not unisex?" asked Harry looking down at the ladies parts. "I had plenty of that too being in the Welsh Rugby team but definitely a flatcock! Dad is going to be pissed orf. We carefully selected her for breeding to give us a king. Look what happened to our ancestor Henry the Eighth and the country after his six attempts to get it right!" said William.

"I told you should have gone for Pippa!" said Harry.

"Is there any thing we can do Doc to change things? Can we offer you a Knighthood or something in the New Years Honours List to put that one back up or throw it out with the bathwater?" asked Wills.

"Now Sir Jamie to add to my BMA MD..GS..TC !" said Jamie scratching his massive Neanderthal chin. Despite his caveman look he was the first rugby player to have a brain since JPR Williams.

"Sorry to interrupt but I have an obstruction the size of a melon in a hole originally the size of a grape and this pethadene has stopped helping!" said Kate two heads.

"If I take THAT out the other one is going to be kicked out of the womb by gravity!" said the William Webb Ellis scientist.

With a slight of hand that magician Paul Daniels would be proud of Jamie removed the baby girl and plugged the hole in one movement.

"That should hold you for a couple of hours. Now get her in the Sea King and off to St Marys Hospital London with you sharpish!" said Dr Roberts.

As the press gathered outside the hospital Nicholas Witchell and Prince Charles exchanged scowls at one another.The Royal baby had been born and weighed in at 8lb 6 ounces.The Harley Street experts were puzzled as to why there was a rugby ball lodged in the undercarriage of the Duchess of Cambridge. And the name the Royal couple decided on for the male heir born without hair? Gilbert. Arise Sir Jamie!

“ Blue Hawaii Sir?”

The voice was that of the bar-man at the Grand Pavilion in Porthcawl Holiday Village.

“ Aloha?...” said the undercover policeman Wolf Blass tapping his head which had become tit-shaped from years of wearing that helmet.

“Am I wearing a grass skirt…a lei garland.. do I look like a Hawaiian?” he said grumpily.

“ Hawaii 5-0…you’re plods…spotted you a mile off!” said Rocker Billy leaning on his beer pumps nonchalantly.

“ How come?” asked Wolf Blass dejectedly.

“ This is Elvis weekend…every September we hold a convention of tribute acts all connected with Elvis Presley….we have fat Elvis’….thin Elvis’….Chinese Elvis’ , Spanish Juans and even one from North Wales….Elvis Preseli…. Everyone here knows you are ‘dibble’..you both stand out like pregnant nuns in a convent!” said Billy.

“ Book him ‘Danno’ ….!” said PC Isaac Haynes.

“ Whatever, I am supposed to have done….I never did it !” said Billy.

“ You must have done something ….remember we have ‘suspicious minds!’ replied Wolf.

“ I am gutted …to refuse a drink but we ARE on duty.. where’s the John Doe?” moaned Mother Superior Haynes.

“ John Doe?” asked Billy confused.

“ The corpse….the stiff …the body….isn’t it just the Police who have names you know?” questioned Haynes.

“ Oh….in the police station ….sorry shithouse out the back where they found him…blood all over his blue suede shoes too!” replied Billy pointing in the direction of the gents toilets.

“ Just follow your nose!” he continued.

The two detectives followed the smell of the dead body which had been concealed largely by the smell from the toilets.

“ Who found him?” asked Haynes.

“ Me …!” said a voice clearly shaken by the discovery.

“ What’s your name son ?” continued the policeman.

“ For this week people call me Elvis Aaron Presley!” said the man in full Teddy Boy regalia.

“ Uhhuhu!” said Wolf Blass suspiciously.

“ But for the rest of the year my name is Christopher ’Kellogs’ Murphy …I’m from Merthyr Tydfil see!” said the discoveree.

“ It was such a shock finding the ‘King’ like that…sat on the throne burger in his mouth …trousers around his ankles….didn’t even have time to finish his paperwork!” Kellogs continued.

“ It must have been a shock…because you rang the Merthyr Police by mistake….why didn’t you ring Bridgend Police….Porthcawl is THEIR jurisdiction!” said Wolfie still a little disgruntled he was called in to do some-one else’s dirty ‘laundry’.

“ Well….the King there…” he said nodding in reverence at the corpse still sat on the toilet head bowed on the ‘Hollywood Bowl’ trousers and pants around his ankles….

“I assumed he must be from Merthyr!” said Kellogs.

“ How come?” questioned Wolfie.

“ A number of reasons….he is aged about 78… has sideburns…hair matted in rose oil and Vaseline….bloated up to about 19 stone…he must be from my obese-city in the Valleys…..oh and the giveaway was that the floor is covered in spilled barbiturates …!” said Kellogs.

“ Good call….you sound more like a detective than him!” said Haynsey flicking his thumb towards his doubles partner.

The look from Wolfie was enough..

“ Haynesy…you go and check on any possible witnesses who may have seen anything….while I check his pockets for id!” barked Wolfie.

Haynsey did as he was told and made his way to the Camp Office.

“ What the Hell is that?” said Wolfie looking down at the cardboard toilet roll covering the dead man’s manhood.

“ I covered him up – I felt that any one of the Memphis Mafia dressed like the King of Rock N Roll in that white star spangled banner cat suit at least deserved some dignity!” said Kellogs.

“ How did you know there was anything wrong in the first place?” asked Wolfie suspiciously.

“ I wouldn’t bother checking his pockets….there is no ID ….no wallet….no jewellery or watch…..I’ve checked first….I’m from Merthyr remember !” said Kellogs.

“ You haven’t answer my question!” said the hung-over detective.

“ Well I am renowned for spending a long time in the kharzi myself..because of my Irritable Bowel Syndrome condition….but after I had been in and finished the crossword and read the paper from cover to cover and smoked my pipe for a bit…it had been over an hour and I heard some ‘crying from the chapel’ next door….the guy must have been trying to lay some cable and died from the strain is my guess….apparently it is a common occurrence in hospitals…!” said Kellogs.

“ Anyway, I figured the guy was in trouble ….constipation can be a real killer…the closest thing a man can suffer akin to childbirth….!” he continued.

“ and some of those burgers you can get know….the triple whopper…they are walking heart attacks…..waiting to happen….!”

“ Well this ‘Burger ‘King’ is definitely dead…I will ring the Bridgend coroner now.!” said Wolfie feeling for any pulse whilst gagging on the stench from the trench.

“ You could say it is a case of ‘Return to Sender’!” said the officer fighting for oxygen.

As he rang on his mobile, he got put through to the Coroners Department of the boss man called Habeas Corpus.

He agreed to run some DNA tests to identify the dead man.

“ I think we have a lead Wolfie!” said the returning Haynesy.

“The site manager reckons his name is Eenis Tupelo and has been on this site in Trecco Bay since 1977….he reckons he has a caravan called Graceland out on Newton Point…..not far from where the old demolished pub ‘the Dirty Duck’ used to be!” said Haynesy.

No sooner than the body had been strapped into a large black body bag…and after Wolfie had paid South Wales Ambulance Service 5p for it….the paramedics wheeled the dead man away on a gurney, the pair of plods looked at each other knowingly.

“ What kind of name is Eenis Tupalo ….sounds like an alias to me…lets check out the caravan!” suggested Haynsey.

As the passed through the caravan site, the dynamic duo could see sand particles swirling around in September eddy’s as the sea breeze dominated the holiday camp and all manner of losers dressed as Elvis looking for companionship and a life.

“ Are you lonesome tonight?” sung Wolfie as he caught up with his partner as they headed towards the dead man’s caravan.

“ Don’t be cruel…!” sung back Haynsey -the singing detective –

“ While these people are here.. the rest of the people in the Valleys can sleep a lot safer !”

The wind whipped in off the sea and in the distance on Trecco Bay beach , the dynamic duo could witness dog walkers and children alike trying to avoid standing on upturned syringes buried in the sand by heroin addicts to catch the barefooted,

the bare pawed and the unwary.

As they reached ‘Graceland’ the caravan was encircled by a golden corona of sunlight as the sun started to go ‘ way down’ into the September late evening.

Wolf Blass put his hand on the metal door and immediately a bolt of blue in the form of a spark jumped from the metal door at the boy in blues -shocking the policeman into removing his hand very quickly.

“ Jesus…no wonder they call it a ‘static’ caravan!” he said as the life returned to his arm.

“He must have wired it up to the mains….if I was called ‘Eenis Tupelo’ I ‘d want to keep prying eyes away from my home too….!” said Haynsey.

“ Perhaps he is a part of one of our Witness Protection programmes?” asked the intrepid detective.

“ Give us your plastic credit card!” Haynsey demanded.

“ Isn’t that illegal….flicking the lock like that….. besides why are you using MY card?” Wolf questioned.

“ We’re the Police …nothing we ever do is illegal ….as far as your little ‘flexible friend’ is concerned I need it for ‘Access’ ….I’m not using mine in case it snaps!” replied Haynesy.

Wolfie glowered at his colleague but smiled as his partner managed to spring the lock and gain entry to the rusting sardine can of a caravan.

“ Jesus…it stinks…!” said Wolfie looking around at the contents.

A Glasgow Prestwick Aiport bumper sticker, bumper packs of colgate toothpaste, dozens of green bottles of Brut aftershave, Pepsi cans strewn everywhere.

Haynsey opened the fridge to find it stocked full of stale meatloaf, tomatoes and mashed potatoes.

There were several ‘black belts’ adorning the walls and a Special Agents badge marked friend of President Nixon ‘Federal Agent at Large’.

Haynsey opened the bedroom door and was shocked to see a huge waterbed in the tiny bedroom.

He proceeded to open the wardrobe door to make sure that there was no one hiding in there- as he had been caught out before that way by that Manchester lot.

He was shocked when a beagle dog flew out from behind the glittering stage costumes and started to worry his ankles.

The policeman went automatically onto protest march -mode and kicked out at the droopy eyed mutt .

As Wolf Blass heard the ongoing commotion, he considered vaguely about going to help his partner but decided instead to help himself to another piece of pink ‘jailhouse (stick-a) rock’ on the front room table.

“ It’s okay Wolfie…it ain’t nothing but a Hound Dog!” Haynsey continued choking the dog into unconsciousness with its diamond studded collar.

Wolfie stuck his head around the door , smiling and continued to lick his sticky fingers.

“ Guess what I have here !” said Wolfie bits of candy cane still stuck to his front teeth.

He produced a white note which was also stuck to his fingers.

“ It is a lifetime prescription for barbiturates….signed by one Dr Conrad Murray!” said Wolfie.

“ So you know who our John Doe ….Eenis Tupelo was!” said Haynsey.

“ I knew I’d make a detective of you one day!”

“ Yep….its Michael Jackson!” said Wolfie seriously.

Haynsey at that same moment got a text message sent to his phone.

“Eenis Doe or possibly Michael Doe here…the coroner has had his DNA and blood tests back….he has 30% Scots Irish blood 60% French Norman blood and 10% Cherokee Indian…!” announced Haynsey.

“So you don’t think it isn’t Michael Jackson …there was no mention of Afro-American…..do you think it is Lord Lucan?” asked Wolfie.

“ Or could be that Elvis the Pelvis had a twin brother?” asked Haynsey expecting the Poirot music to sound behind him.

“ Elvis the Pelvis …and Eenis the…huck of burning love from Porthcawl sounds about right?” thought Wolfie scratching his policeman’s helmet.

“ Funny what people leave behind…look a crossword puzzle ….with one clue left uncompleted….. anagram of Elvis…..five letters….L-V-S…L blank V blank S blank?” said Haynsey.

“ Loves?” guessed Wolfie.

A little blue light came on and Haynesy eyes opened wide .

“ A little less conversation and a little more action please!” said Haynsey.

“ We need to get back to the toilet as soon as possible !” said Haynes flagging down a two seater tandem bicycle cart.

“ Police business…it’s a matter of life and death…we need to commandeer your vehicle!” ordered the detective pushing the little ten year old kid out of the cart and pinching his 99 ice cream in the same movement.

As Wolfie joined him and argued over the flake he questioned his superior.

“ Why is it a matter of life and death…Eenis is already dead?” asked Wolfie.

“ It’s now or never …do you think we can run all that way without us joining him with our own heart attacks….besides I need to get there before the Scenes of Crime Officers finish!” said Haynesy.

“ If that John Doe is who I think it is …we need to get back before a vitally important piece of rock memorabilia gets flushed into Trecco Bay and we lose out on a million dollar finders fee!” said Haynes.

As they reached the toilet they were greeted by the face of PC Kenfig Hill , one of the Porthcawl Rival Constabulary.

“ Seconds too late boys….I’m afraid Elvis has already left the building!”

The father and son made their way through the underground car park of the Civic Centre in Merthyr Tydfil.

They were in luck.

They didn’t have to walk through the crowds of people that were stood in the forecourt outside the main entrance.

Pressing the lift call button repeatedly, little Thomas was happy.

At the age of seven , everything was a game….no money worries…it was like being on his own Civil List .

His father , Richard tried to fake a smile, he knew he was at the Civic Centre for more serious business.

He was there to see the Council Social Services department to see if they would call off the dogs and let him remain in his late mother’s house a little longer.

At 59 years of age and working for minimum wage, he was outside the criteria to prevent the sale of her estate assets to fund her social services care.

All levied on a house his mother and father had scrimped and saved during their work-shortened lifetime to buy…going without holidays and luxuries just to hold a small piece of the British ‘Empire’ for themselves.

An Englishman’s home is his castle…but in Monmouth Drive Merthyr Tydfil…the Welshman’s home in Castle Park was being slowly sucked away from him by a parasitic Government who had not budgeted for the working classes living beyond the biblical three score and ten and their usefulness to the ruling elite.

They could take his home- legally anyway…the Act of Parliament was given Royal Assent , but they couldn’t take his love for his only son Thomas he thought as he ruffled his fair hair.

Times were so hard, he had to cut their hair himself with a fruit bowl placed on their already rounded heads which caused his son to fight daily in the local Gellideg Infants Primary School Yard.

As they ascended, the clunk of lift mechanism , jarred him and his son, as the doors opened unexpectedly on the first floor.

An elderly woman and her husband were ushered in by a burly looking security guard.

Little Thomas looked at the woman clad in a headscarf and sunglasses, she looked somewhat familiar.

She looked like that woman who made his Christmas dinner go cold every year .

And if there was one thing he hated it was cold KFC.

Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a coin and checked it up against the profile of the stranger.

She didn’t have that jewel thing on her head but it still looked like her.

The lift clunked again and stopped with a thud.

The light went out for a split second before the emergency lighting kicked in.

At the same time to balance the Council’s tight budget the lights went out in the Queen Camilla Hospital Operating Theatre.

His father put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and told him ‘Not to worry’ it would start moving again soon.

The bodyguard was however having kittens talking wildly on his headset to someone in the building high above their heads.

The lift didn’t afford much room for four adults and a child and a tiny dog.

Thomas wasn’t worried.

He lived in blissful ignorance of the lift cable snapping or an electrical fire breaking out.

The risk increased somewhat as the noxious smell of a sulphur fart hit the nostrils of the little boy.

Normally, in such delicate social situations adults remain silent.

Little Thomas looked at the nervous security man….then the old wizened Greek Racist….then the old woman with the baggy trousers….and finally he sniffed lightly at the dogs rear.

He knew it wasn’t his father’s brand.

His father knew what was coming from his outspoken son.

Finally, the little seven year old broke convention and asked loudly.

Come on… who Shit?”

The regal strangers held their heads in the air, just above the green haze, whereas poor Thomas was trapped in the bad air pocket…like a miner in former Taff Merthyr Colliery after his mate had tuna sandwiches for lunch.

He didn’t give up.

Turning to Chris Ryan, the security man he tugged his sleeve and opened his coat in doing so…”it was you wasn’t it!”.

The one that got away!” he said refusing to give up as his nose had been wronged.

It wasn’t me…it was that Pembrokeshire Dog!” he said ….”Okay!” he barked.

Then you need a Corgi registered installer to sort out his gas emissions!” said the kid not believing Ryan ‘s tale.

As a result, Thomas got his first sight of a loaded gun up close and personal.

Cor Mister….can I have a go of that ?” he pleaded as the barrel was pressed into his nostrils.

The security man ignored the child…..

You are lucky it is only American troops that shoot civilian kids!” he said a little disappointed.

Although if you give me the Royal Assent Ma’am!”

How much longer are we to be kept here?” she replied cricking her fingers as if ready to snap a pheasant neck.

Speaking into his headset, he replied ….” Not long now…. Your Highness…the Council have confirmed it is a fault with the lift mechanism….they are speaking to the lift manufacturers Otis in Reading as we speak!” reported the ex SAS man.

Otis…. Reading!” interrupted the Duke.

I’ve heard of him….isn’t he one of those tar baby types that used to pick our cotton?” he said leaning forward past the corgi’s arse which was also in Little Thomas line of fire.

The Helen Mirren look-a-like just frowned at her husband and stood impatiently.

They do realise that I am over 80 years old now and trapped in a cold metal lift….at my time of life you can’t go too far from the throne!” she said fidgeting.

Look Missus…if you gotta piss….you gotta piss !” said the kid.

I’ve done it in here before and I know he did too!” he said pointing at his red-faced father.

He claimed it was payback for them trying to take my grannies house off him….if you go ill ….will they take that Buckingham Palace Place off you?” asked the child innocently.

For the first time the Queen looked down on her two subjects.

They were ugly, dirty, stank of old chip fat had warts on their faces and roundheads with haircuts from an old pudding bowl.

She noticed that the father, the one with the older warts was holding a Notice to Quit from her own Court .

I hope you lot haven’t got rickets, cholera or TB!” she said glaring at Ryan for getting her in this predicament.

These peasants are revolting!” said the Duke holding a silk handkerchief with perfume on his noses.

So what is the point of having a Royal Family in the 21^st Century…when we can’t afford to fund the working man?” asked the young Republican.

What is exactly do you lot do for your money….his family home and arrears of Council Tax paid for the last Royal Wedding?”

Tourism…!” replied the Duke.

That old chestnut…do many tourists come and see all of the other people on the Civil List too….what about tax….do you pay any?” asked the child of Chartism.

Of course, We…that’s the Royal We mind you pay lots of tax!” defended the Duke.

Might one enquire as to whom?” said Thomas sticking a finger up his own arse and talking poshly.

Revenue & Customs!” said the Duke .

Who’s exactly?” continued the baby Blairite condescendingly.

Her Majesty’s!” came the reply.

Exactly and we know where that is spent….not in Merthyr as you can see by our lift services!”

The captives were interrupted by the sound of the doors above being forced open.

The gap unfortunately was only one foot wide…only the corgi could get out.

Hurry up will you…she’s busting for a piss!” said Thomas eloquently.

If her waters go …I’ll be drowned first in the Royal Wee !” he said.

Remember, Britannia rules the waves…..not me!” he shrieked.

In the gap above, a selection of the Council members could be seen peering at them from a height above the lift.

At one time to be higher than the Monarch …I could have had them all killed!” said the Queen.

Like Diana…you mean!” alleged the straight talking kid.

Both the Duke and the Queen turned their heads of state, the child was below 10 and therefore below the age of criminal responsibility.

It was then the QE2 started to leak angrily.

I know it is your ‘Golden Jubilee’ but I don’t want a Golden Shower!” said Thomas.

Dad …get your camera-phone out….take a picture of the Queen in mid-flow…we’ll make a fortune….Hello Magazine here it comes….the other ‘celebrities’ take the piss…why shouldn’t wee…..we can save the house!” he declared triumphantly.

In a second the French made -camera flashed and all were blinded by the radiance of Louis 14^th the Sun King- .

I can’t allow that to happen!” said Ryan.

Why not !” protested the child….” It is not illegal!”

Taking a shot at the Queen is….now I’ve been Civil….give us the camera-phone!” ordered the soldier.

1789…Liberty, Equality, Fraternity….all them lot are my witnesses…democracy rules in Merthyr!” said Thomas pointing up.

Besides …dad has already uploaded it to my face-book account and only I know the password!” said the youngster.

What’s your surname kid….said the Duke….the British Government doesn’t negotiate with blackmailers.!”

Cromwell !” said the boy proudly.

Looking at the child with warts on his face, a roundhead and a puritanical attitude, the Queen felt a chill running through her blue blooded veins…..history has a nasty habit of repeating itself.

Her cavalier attitude changed.

Get ME out now!” she demanded as the level of urine reached ankle level.

Reaching up through the gap with her white Gloves…the gathered elite couldn’t be sure if it was Michael Jackson, the Queen or the snooker referee Len Ganley speaking.

If I am not out in five minutes…heads will roll….starting with you!” she said looking at the Council Leader.

After calling in the Council DSO, the gap was widened and she was pulled out albeit indignantly in less than five minutes flat.

The Duke followed.

The same way they responded to other pensioners trapped in the St Tydfils Court, Caedraw Lift.

What about the other three?” asked the Council workmen.

Tossing in to the lift shaft a jam sponge, a left over from the delayed bunfight, she said casually…” Let them eat cake!”

What’s to become of us?” asked the three sets of eyes peering out of the dark…like a cellar in Lower Thomas Street .

Send them to the Tower!” she ordered.

Thanks Ma’am…Tower Colliery!” said Richard Cromwell hoping at last to get a better paid Valleys job.

Tower of London…peasant!” she said shaking off the drippers through the gap.

The Divine Right of Kings and Queens had been restored.

“ This mist is a real pea-souper!” declared reveller Meirion Glyndwr to one of his accomplices.

“ I know ....it seems to have become stronger since that last farmhouse !” he replied holding onto the dead horse’s tail.

“ We are we?” asked Meirion his hands out in front of him like a methodone zombie, as he stumbled about the Welsh mountainside, holding the Mari Lwyd like it was some kind of compass.

“ Let the grey mare guide you bachgen!” said his companion Rebecca Iot.

“ Twm Shaun Catty.....announced the man (dressed as a woman) drunkenly...I do believe we are lost....hic !”

The trio had set off from the village of Llangynwyd, near Maesteg, on a very foggy New Years Eve to celebrate the pre-Christian Festival of the Mari Lwyd.

To those who were uninitiated, the pagan custom involved the practice of dressing up a dead horse’s skull with false ears and eyes and covering it with reins and bells and a white sheet colourfully decorated with ribbons all set on a S4C ‘television aerial’ as an impromptu pole.

The trio of Welsh speakers....the last three left in the heavily anglicised South Wales Valleys....had recently been granted £50,000.00 by the Welsh Assembly Government to continue the tradition and had spent the lot over the Christmas period boozing in the Maesteg pubs.

They had been at their ‘three horseman of the apocalypse’ tour since it went dark at 3.30pm in the ‘Nags Head’ Inn in Maesteg and 20 farmhouses later they stood pissed out of their ‘skull’ on a bracken covered hillside miles from anywhere.

“ This Mari Llyd must have been made by the Americans...!” declared Rebecca –a six foot three bearded Welshman with the same physique as Pontypridd’s Tommy David.

“ It has got us lost in the fog...it has all the accuracy of a US Bombing raid in Iraq...!” said Twm.

“ We are never lost as long as we are in Wales....we always get a ‘welcome in the hillsides’ said Meirion.

“ Did you spray those last cottages with my name...like I told you....so Hansel & Gretel here can find our way back to Llangynwyd?” he asked .

“ Yes....look there is an unlit dual carriageway in the distance...!” declared Twm pointing with the bony finger of the skeletal horse.

As the trio skipped down the hillside , rolling and cackling drunkenly they reached the roadside.

“ Look the AA emergency phone has had the wires bitten through...look at the human teeth-marks.... !” stuttered Twm

“ and the bottom of that road sign has been unscrewed and sold by the gypsies as scrap metal!” said Rebecca.

“ Where the hell are we?” asked the Mari Lwyd moving its jaw and looking like an equine grim reaper.

“ Nice one...Meirion...I didn’t see your lips move that time!” said Twm laughing.

“ With that aerial ...you’re more like Rod Hull and Emu....but I still think it’s a sick tradition having your hand up a dead horse’s arse!” said Rebecca.

“ Merthyr!” said Meirion.

“ Bollocks....!....you’re just trying to scare us... that place doesn’t exist...like Brigadoon!” said Rebecca.

“ Is it true they are still flesh –eaters ?....because I read somewhere in a newspaper that they had a huge find of cannibals in Bethesda Street!” said Twm nervously.

“ No... that was CANNABIS...and it was reported in the Merthyr Depress- you know the one that strives for accuracy and doesn’t have any printing errors!” said Meirion.

“ Talk about the Green, Green, Grass of Home then!” sighed Rebecca...

“ It is a sad fact when the bilingual road-signs have English, Portuguese & Polish but not Welsh!” he said putting a sticker ‘Ble mai Cymraeg’ on it in protest.

“ Look...over there on the banking marked A470- with that signpost and lay-by sponsored by Chris Rea ....there’s a farmhouse lit with oil lamps....it looks like there isn’t any mains electricity or mains sewerage in the town. !” said Rebecca.

“ We ARE in Merthyr then....someplace called Aberfan to be precise.... !” said Meirion.

“ They don’t need electricity anymore...no need for washing machines, vacuum cleaners or Sinclair C5’s since Hoover closed it’s factories!”

The three revellers looked at each other sadly then made their way towards the stone walled farmhouse cheering themselves up by shouting ‘Mari Lwyd’ repeatedly as one in Welsh.

Inside the rented Holiday Cottage, the Englishman put another log on the wood burner .

It was much colder at a thousand feet above sea level ...much colder than his native Norfolk, but then again he only had three months left of complying with his bail conditions before he could return home.

He looked around him at the 200 year old cottage and realised then why it had been given an F rating on the Energy Performance Certificate scale.

He shivered visibly and wondered when the promised global warming would start.

And then it went off.

The trip wire he had set in the garden sent up high, a flare which illuminated the area for 200 yards in all directions.

With the mud and pig-shit in the cottage yard, it was reminiscent of a scene from the Battle of the Somme.

The trio of revellers had set in motion a chain of events that they would come to regret.

As the passed the pig- sty, three Portu-geezers stuck their heads through the wooden structure and shouted in their native tongue to keep the noise down as they were trying to sleep.

Unfortunately, not being to converse in Welsh , the anger intensified.

“ Talk about Mi-grunt workers!” complained Rebecca as he approached the cottage carry the Mari Lwyd.

He banged hard on the solid wooden door and shouted his challenge in Cymraeg.

“ Cnocio, cnocio!” said the trio in bardic harmony.

“ Who’s out there?” replied the Saesneg nervously.

“ Cnocio, cnocio!” said the men of Maesteg.

“ Kinnock....I don’t trust you ....you slimy red-haired freckled Eurocrat....!” said the angry farmer aware of the custom that a red haired man on your doorstep brought bad luck.

“ Cnocio, cnocio.....!” came the challenge for the third time.

“ Is that you Kinnockio....you lying politician bastard....what time of night is this to go campaigning!” said the agriculturalist.

“ Try him with the pwnco!” suggested Twm.

“ Siarad Cymraeg?” demanded Meirion.

“ No...there’s no Sharon living here....wrong cottage ...this is Bleak House 2 ....what the Dickens do you want?!” said the Farmer reaching for his trusty shotgun.

“ Y Mari...dewch I mewn!” asked the drunken Welshmen.

“ I told you Portuguese before ....I’m renting this cottage.... I pay the bills....go and find somewhere to stay!” said the farmer patience starting to wear thin.

“ Bwyd i cefyll os gwelwch yn dda (Food for the horse please) ....cwrw dwyieuthog...(bilingual beer) ......!” demanded the Mari Party.

“ Dim baras?” they continued.

“ Dim Barras!” said the farmer eyes widening in fear and then rage remembering the gypsy burglars that had got him into trouble with the Police and Courts in the first place.

“ Let us in ....we only want food and drink for the mare!” said Twm in broken English.

To the cottager, who knew there was a £60,000.00 bounty on his head – it was a trick and that he would be a dead man if he opened the door to the thieving gypsy clan.

“ Pull the other one...it’s got bells on!” said the farmer defiantly.

There was more than ‘reasonable farce’ at play here on ‘Nos Galan’.

Looking through the spy-hole, the elderly farmer could see three young men, one a transvestite and a skeletal figure of a horse with huge bony teeth.

Clutching his only friend, a 12 bore shotgun for comfort he released the safety catch.

He could understand why the men were here but why did they have that bony mare from the One Show Christine Bleakley as a hostage .

True it was coming up to ‘Daybreak’.

The trio were determined to get the last free food and nosh before setting off home and once again beat forcibly on the wooden door.

“ Try him with a Christmas Carol instead!” suggested Twm.

As they struck up the first verse of ‘We three Kings all Ospreys are!”, Rebecca felt his dress lifting unnaturally and cold steel tickling his whiskers below.

“ Bachgen, cenned yn awr!” (Boys... we need to leave now).

The three , realising they were outgunned decided discretion was the better part of valour.

They turned ‘tail’ and fled.

The door opened and the now confident farmer seeing his quarry running, blasted the closest one in the arse with buckshot.

Poor Rebecca’s first thoughts was how he was going to explain to the Maesteg Casualty Department why he was wearing C & A knickers....besides he had the labels mixed up and had them on back to front.

As they raced passed the Portuguese with the dead horse at the front....England’s oldest ally....they had to dodge pig-shit missiles as the Catholics were terrified it was the ghost of Shergar riding abroad on New Years Eve..

“ Who the Hell is living there?” asked Meirion as he ran for his life.

“ Kevin McAllister?....Macaulay Culkin....Homo Alone?” he asked through panting breath.

“ No, Senor... came the Iberian reply.

“ His letters .....they say he ees called Senor Tony Martin!”

It was the Night Mare after Christmas.