Ian Price2


 

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G'day mate.


By Ian Price2, 2011-04-22

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends
a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there is a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable...
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. However, after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks.
They're bloody beauties. I guess it is an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?'
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'

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Beware the Taffess


By Ian Price2, 2011-04-16

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A WELSH GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do
the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the
third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Wales. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hotmeals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

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JUST FANCY THAT!!!!!


By Ian Price2, 2011-04-10

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You couldn't write fiction using these stories --- people wouldn't believe it was possible!!!!

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stellas for this past year -- 2010:

* SEVENTH PLACE *
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of
her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house
he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days
and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he
sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...
Double hand scratching after this one

* FOURTH PLACE *
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the
Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot

* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in
a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE *
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv
Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the
Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
If you think the court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.

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MAM


By Ian Price2, 2011-04-04

Average Mother's Day gift selection time rises to 3.5 seconds

01-04-11

THOUGHTFULNESS is on the increase across the UK with some people taking almost four seconds to choose a Mother's Day present, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies found the average time spent selecting a gift for the annual obligatory display of affection increased by just under one third of a second.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "People are no longer just reaching for the first chocolate product or flowers that costs approximately a fiver. They are momentarily deliberating between products before thinking, 'yeah, that'll do'.

"At least we hope that's the case. Possibly it's just because they've rearranged garages so that the generic flowers are slightly harder to spot."

Meanwhile, there is also evidence that general gift quality is increasing.

Bill McKay, from Darlington, said: "What with inflation and how much I love my mum, I've increased the budget to 6.20 including the card.

"I would always get the generic flowers in the sort of plastic sheath - paid for, mind, not just lifted from the site of a bad crime - or whichever chocolate selection box has a sticker on it saying 'gift idea'.

"This year though I've decided to be more original and get her eight Double Deckers. It's much better value in terms of weight.

"Plus they're on offer."

Teacher Nikki Hollis said: "I know my mum would do anything for me, that's why I don't really need to bother with a decent present, although I shall drop in with a card this Sunday. The fact that I'm spending time with her rather than doing somethng I want to do will mean the world to her."

Father-of-two Stephen Malley added: "It's all a big marketing thing cooked up by Americans in the Fifties, or something. The maternal bond shouldn't be commodified or reduced to the giving of a product on an arbitrarily-allocated day.

"At least that's what I'm telling myself after just discovering the fucking garage is shut."


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Monarchial Mountbatten Mountebanks


By Ian Price2, 2011-04-01

Now look here! Ive just returned from my hols in fair Tahiti only to find that the jumped up Teutonic Mountbatten clan have started a bloody media frenzy with the announcement of some superstitious bonding ritual between the next CEO of English anachronisms and some delicate flower of the common soil.

This simply wont do. It is beholden on every republican minded chap with a penchant for rational thought to object in the loudest possible terms against public money being spent on a six ringed travelling circus designed to perpetuate the myth that some people are far superior than others by dint of birth.

I come from humble stock myself; papa only had some 3 billion salted away by the time I first blinked. He beat into me the sound knowledge that money always comes before people a sound credo that has seen my fortune increase ten fold. It was against this background that I first met the ball and chain.

The Memsahib and I were spliced together in the most bonding of ceremonies wherein the Mems father Major Roger Sholto Crump( late of The Enniskillen Light Horse ) held a Purdey to my back and where the witnesses were all members of the Inns of Court ; each and everyone of the blighters now Law Lords.

Dont like people being deferred to through accident of birth when its

the likes of I that should be lauded for keeping the bloody country great by keeping Johnny foreigner down. King Quentin has a fine ring to it I proffer.

Ahem! I mean President Whistleton Thynne ( Col Rtd ) of course.

Toodle Pip.

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Saxons sink in the Pale.


By Ian Price2, 2011-03-19

It is with immense pleasure that I can announce the demise of the English attempt to win the Grand Slam. No words can convey the admiration I have for our Celtic brothers in Hibernia.

Sparingbeing bombarded by anotherflagstone ofEnglish propoganda leadingup to the next Royal shindig, I can only say that The Celts can show the sons of Saxony a thing or two when it counts.

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The Power of a Badge. . .


By Ian Price2, 2011-03-17

Another example of how the government thinks!

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull . . . . .

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . . .

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

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Threat Level Raised


By Ian Price2, 2011-03-17

ANNOUNCEMENT

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey,!" "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

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