A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there is a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable...
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. However, after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it is an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?'
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A WELSH GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do
the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the
third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Wales. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hotmeals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Now look here! Ive just returned from my hols in fair Tahiti only to find that the jumped up Teutonic Mountbatten clan have started a bloody media frenzy with the announcement of some superstitious bonding ritual between the next CEO of English anachronisms and some delicate flower of the common soil.

This simply wont do. It is beholden on every republican minded chap with a penchant for rational thought to object in the loudest possible terms against public money being spent on a six ringed travelling circus designed to perpetuate the myth that some people are far superior than others by dint of birth.

I come from humble stock myself; papa only had some 3 billion salted away by the time I first blinked. He beat into me the sound knowledge that money always comes before people a sound credo that has seen my fortune increase ten fold. It was against this background that I first met the ball and chain.

The Memsahib and I were spliced together in the most bonding of ceremonies wherein the Mems father Major Roger Sholto Crump( late of The Enniskillen Light Horse ) held a Purdey to my back and where the witnesses were all members of the Inns of Court ; each and everyone of the blighters now Law Lords.

Dont like people being deferred to through accident of birth when its

the likes of I that should be lauded for keeping the bloody country great by keeping Johnny foreigner down. King Quentin has a fine ring to it I proffer.

Ahem! I mean President Whistleton Thynne ( Col Rtd ) of course.

Toodle Pip.

It is with immense pleasure that I can announce the demise of the English attempt to win the Grand Slam. No words can convey the admiration I have for our Celtic brothers in Hibernia.

Sparingbeing bombarded by anotherflagstone ofEnglish propoganda leadingup to the next Royal shindig, I can only say that The Celts can show the sons of Saxony a thing or two when it counts.

ANNOUNCEMENT

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey,!" "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.