Now look here! Ive just returned from my hols in fair Tahiti only to find that the jumped up Teutonic Mountbatten clan have started a bloody media frenzy with the announcement of some superstitious bonding ritual between the next CEO of English anachronisms and some delicate flower of the common soil.

This simply wont do. It is beholden on every republican minded chap with a penchant for rational thought to object in the loudest possible terms against public money being spent on a six ringed travelling circus designed to perpetuate the myth that some people are far superior than others by dint of birth.

I come from humble stock myself; papa only had some 3 billion salted away by the time I first blinked. He beat into me the sound knowledge that money always comes before people a sound credo that has seen my fortune increase ten fold. It was against this background that I first met the ball and chain.

The Memsahib and I were spliced together in the most bonding of ceremonies wherein the Mems father Major Roger Sholto Crump( late of The Enniskillen Light Horse ) held a Purdey to my back and where the witnesses were all members of the Inns of Court ; each and everyone of the blighters now Law Lords.

Dont like people being deferred to through accident of birth when its

the likes of I that should be lauded for keeping the bloody country great by keeping Johnny foreigner down. King Quentin has a fine ring to it I proffer.

Ahem! I mean President Whistleton Thynne ( Col Rtd ) of course.

Toodle Pip.