I didnt sleep well last night. Husbands deceit is weighing heavily on my mind. Hes cheated on me with animals so what else has he lied about? Am I honestly the centre of his Universe? Is his name actually ######? Does swallowing semen really make you lose weight?
His response to my text about his infidelity was curt:
Im not going to dignify that with an answer. Love you, see you later. xxx
Practically an admission of guilt. Yet I still love him. Yes hes cheated, yes hes betrayed me, but Im
really fat, I cant afford to be back on the shelf- health and safety would have a fit.
I manage to stop dry crying long enough to order the shopping online. Sainsburys is taunting me and every thank you message feels like a knife to the heart. Its not just Husbands betrayal that is hurting... Sainsburys and I go back years- I do 6 big shops with Tescos and it sets my Husband up with a Ginsters Slag-Pasty; hardly fair.
Its probably somehow my fault though, maybe if I brushed my hair more often this wouldnt have happened? Perhaps if I used my immac on my bikini line instead of putting it in his baldness cure lotion...? I suppose I shouldnt really have deleted the Matrix from our V+ to make room for John Bishop with his beautiful floppy hair and plus size teeth? I must change to save our marriage. I will be a better wife and remind him why he loves me.
Husband texts while Im polishing the skirting boards:
Hows u r day going?
Busy cleaning and being a good wife and stuff. Please dont leave me.
Wtf r u on about? I am not going to leave u and I havent cheated.
I have evidence. I understand tho, its all my fault, I see that now, Ill be a better wife.
Babe, seriously, what r u on about?
I decide to stop being cryptic and confront him
directly about the Ginsters slag-pasty:
I know about Gin. Was she worth it?
I dont even know anyone called Gin. Why r u being mental?'
Not being mental, have proof. Dont worry, will be a better wife so that you dont stray again. Im sorry and I love you etc.
Not cheated. Dont know Gin. No idea what u r on about. Love u the way u r- dont go all fucking alter ego on me, Ive had a hard day.
Alter ego? Me???
Ok. Love you Husband. Lets forget this and save our marriage. Going to weed the garden (even though it hurts my knee) so that you have less to do.
FFS. Leave the plants alone, and dont be mental in the garden, the neighbours already think were weird.
Hmph.
After cleaning the house I decide that theres no better way to remind Husband how much he loves me than by resurrecting one of the Old Faithful games he so enjoys. I think that the Silent Witness is probably his favourite (where I pretend to be a corpse and He has guess what killed me) so I set about planning my death.
Why Husband is pissed off when he gets home is beyond me. Im the victim in all this!
The house is clean and I went to loads of effort to make the Silent Witness game really convincing. It might be that he doesnt like the smell of Zoflora? It could be that he may have accidently thought I was actually dead for a few seconds? Or it may be, as he put it, that I was being mental in the garden again when he specifically told me not to.
Either way, he won the Silent Witness game in record time by correctly guessing that Id drowned in the paddling pool while wearing my wedding dress.
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"...drowned in the paddling pool while wearing my wedding dress." A grim scenario....luv it