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Not Much C.O.P.

user image 2024-07-01
By: Ceri Shaw
Posted in: Humor

Screenshot from 20240630 171635.png It was December 13th 2023 and the delegates at the United Nations Climate Change Conference known as C.O.P 28 in Dubai the capital of the United Arab Emirates were just about to conclude matters, when the heavy golden double doors flew open and a size 10 Railtrack Boot appeared followed rapidly by a leg belonging to Welshman Morgan Chamber.

“Now hold on everyone......sorry I am late but I am the Official delegate from the Green Party of Wales...and I want to say my piece!”

Morgan Chamber, known locally as Mog the Smog, was never one to go or come quietly, as his Fifth Wife on their second Honeymoon would undoubtedly testify.

He strode purposely towards the 24- carat golden podium.
The assembled delegates from over 400 countries looked somewhat confused as he had a small round wooden boat attached to his back.

As he took to the stage – Security was on high alert- fearful of a terrorist attack from the World- renowned Free Wales Army- whose military wing had first formed in the Former Lamb Inn in Merthyr Tydfil- and understandably the Arabs were worried about their monopoly on the stage and the prospect of there being different Martyrs to the Cause.

The Head of the Conference, Prince Al Bin Chopiz Ed Off raised his oily palm for Security to hold on. He was a fair man and wanted to listen to different cultures just like his ancestors had done sat around their Bedouin campfires at the oases in past centuries blowing camels and smoking cigarettes too. He believed that everyone from the Third World should be entitled to voice their opinion before ignoring all recommendations on the reduction of fossil fuels.

Mog was not phased seeing so many different coloured faces before him wearing different white robes and multi-coloured attire -after all he himself was dressed in the new National Dress of Wales- the bright luminous orange Railtrack jumpsuit -which made him look like an escaped prisoner from San Quentin Penitentiary in California. He stood before World Royalty and influential power people – the actual ‘illuminati’ that kept the lights on and controlled Global economies and decided policy for innumerable Nations.

“Evening all!” he said upon reaching the Magic Mike.

By some unknown technological wizardry his words were instantaneously translated into over 400 different languages, except of course for Welsh, for the 1001 Arabian Knights sat in the Blue Zone of the Great Hall of Aladdin.

“I am here so that the World can hear the voice of Wales- one of the oldest continuous Celtic Nations now consisting of 4 million people and eleven million sheep-who have been subjugated by our English Ironmasters- men, women and children have toiled in the bowels of the Earth and have been subjugated and forced into economic slavery and to mine the black gold from the Planet’s soft underbelly, in doing releasing thousands of tonnes of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere  helping choke the lungs of the Earth- just like the English Ironmasters who filled the lungs of our little ones with pneumoconiosis and all for profit and greed- You the good people of the United Arab Emirates or the United States of America would never force anyone into slavery- just for greed, money and power – now would you?”

The room fell silent.

“We in Wales have tried our best to put in place many measures to reduce our genetic carbon footprint such as becoming the first Country in the former United Kingdom to impose a mandatory 20 MPH speed limit in urban areas – not just to reduce the number of accidents- but also to reduce traffic pollution from petrol and diesel engines- the extraction of oil and natural gas must stop otherwise we could turn the Planet into desert regions just like this one!” Mog continued.

The room was more silent than a Trappist Monk fart.

The Prince rolled his eyes but let Mog continue as each speaker was allotted 15 minutes.

Mog picked his nose and rolled it in-between his right thumb and fore finger and stuck the bogie to the underside of the podium- just like he did with his chewing gum in secondary school in his native Rhondda Valley.

“No more greenwashing- no more green credits for companies who burn wood from trees and claim tax relief on it.....otherwise the Ice Caps in Snowdonia will melt leading to the extinction of the endangered Welsh Yeti.....!”

Mog paused for dramatic effect.

“We conducted a survey in conjunction with Friends of the Earth and Greenpeace and it was found that one of the biggest sources of greenhouse gas was old cow we immediately recalled the Senedd and insisted they wear Michelle Mone PPE masks to cut down on their Bullshit....we also send a message on Facebook to our online followers to ensure that if they were returning from England that it was manda-TORY to defecate on the English side of the Owain Glyndwr Prince of Wales Bridge!”

“It had 11 million likes and was clearly a popular policy with the second generation ovine voters too!”

“Westminster has reduced the amount of money it gives to the Principality Post-Brexit- under the ‘Trinkets for the Natives’ budgetary policy recorded in Hansard- the Welsh people now have to have a roads curfew as the street lighting and road lighting gets turned off by most County Councils at 7pm-!”.....”We even had to pull the slogan of the extra £350 Million a week for the NHS off the side of the former Pit Ponies!”

“We have tried alternative green measures to increase the amount going into the National Grid but just like our Welsh Water it is syphoned off by our colonial masters- Water Mills, Wind Turbines (personally I am not a big fan) and solar panels on the roof.....we even attached a lead to the Pelaton of Olympic cyclist Geraint Thomas but it wasn’t enough and he crashed yet again as a result....!”

“We stopped burning down holiday homes in West Wales too – although the advent of Ring doorbell technology was a deciding factor too...!”

Looking directly at the Papua New Guinea delegate- “We even took a ‘leaf’ out of your book and started eating Pro-European Vegans- as they were filled full of vegetables- but Port Talbot’s Anthony Hopkins confirmed he preferred to eat a liver and a nice Chianti and not just the ‘Remains’ of the Day!”

Mog cast his eyes to the back of the hall where two delegates were leaving.

“India and China.....I can see you sneaking out”  

The heads of the audience turned towards them – shaming them- and then back. Just like a Wimbledon Tennis Umpire when Anna Kournikova has bent over to pick up a ball.

“We Welsh and you Arabs must stick together....we go back over 2000 years to when Welshman Hugh Griffith playing Sheik Iderim in Ben Hur!”

“We must together stop the new chariots polluting our Cities ....I live in O.P.E.C that this generation of children will still be able to live on the Earth....after all there is no Planet B only a Cardi one....there can be no RE-GRETAS....we must (pointing at the sleeping or possibly dead US President Joe Biden) educate these Fossil Fools!”

“The two biggest perils to the Planet are caused by air pollution- how many of you 8,000.00 delegates walked in your Jesus sandals to this Climate Change Conference- you three (pointing at the British delegation consisting of Tory Prime Minster (this month) Rishi Sunak, Foreign Secretary & Pig F**ker David Cameron and King Charles III ....I bet you all flew here separately on private jets!”

“I, on the other hand set out a month ago arriving on this trusty coracle!” continued Mog.
 “How much damage did I do to the environment and ozone layer?”

“Admittedly, I had to dump all my daily faeces in the Palm Jumeirah & the World Islands but it is only what the Former United Kingdom Government is doing Post-Brexit to our Welsh rivers anyway- the ‘Bog’ Snorkelling Championship is no longer confined to Llanwrtyd Wells!”

“And the second one from Silicon Valley- all the Earth’s precious energy is being wasted on mobile phone charging, I-Pods, I-Pads & Laptops.....just like your close neighbour from your friends in Israel- Moses- we need to take the tablets away..... !”

“And Swedish Doom Goblin Greta Thunberg has her part to play too- unless we change the ways of the young as well as the old and their addiction to selfies and social media- as time is running out -Tik- Tokking away if you like!”

“The only electrical appliances to be charged into the National Grid should be the Sinclair C5 electric trikes- pioneered by the late Sir Clive Sinclair- the purported Saviour of the Hoovers Washing Machine Factory- before it was hung out to dry in my native Merthyr Tydfil-!”

“What do you need a mobile phone anyway- except if you are hanging off a cliff precipice?...and with the exception of the Burj Khalifa how many off them do you have in Abu Dhaba?”

“ That is why the Swiss yodel!”

“The Global economy should not be built on a house of fog and sand!”

“It’s time to shut down the reliance on oil and natural gas before it destroys the Earth and the Planet overheats and turns us into Mercury!”

“You lot sit here and play Good C.O.P but outside its bad and please remember that ULEZ stands for Ultra Low Emissions Zones in London and should not be a reference to the lead lady in a Pride March- you bunch of Shi-ites!”

Prince Al Bin Chopiz Ed Off now made eyes at the security guards that Mog’s time was up. In his muslin robe, he looked as white as a Sheikh. Mog’s fifteen minutes of fame that Andy Warhol he had raved on about was now over.

It was his time in the sun. The Hosts would peg him out naked in the desert with no Boots Factor 50 to help him. Either that or take him to the Turkish Embassy.