OFF THE RAILSIn another one of my incarnations I worked for a number of years as a railway guard in the South Wales valleys. The company was part of the Regional Railway Network called Valley Lines both of which were part of British Rail. I was based at the Canton depot in Cardiff and took trains as far afield as the exotic flesh pots of Barry Island, Rhymney, Treherbert, Aberdare and Merthyr Tydfil.During my time as a guard I came across many strange passengers; there seems to be a peculiarity about train travel in the UK that alters the personality of those who chosen to travel by rail. Some people go very quiet. Others act as though theyve been kidnapped and regard train staff as oppressors. Others still, develop an ability to lie that would make Tom Pepper look like a saint. However, no matter how eccentric the passengers there was always a guard who could make them look like rank amateurs when it came to odd behaviour.For example there was one who revelled in the name of Captain Chaos. He had been given this moniker because of his ability to make the slightest problem seem like an extinction level scenario. Another was Smelly Evans a man who could clear a train just by walking through it. But undoubtedly the very top of the eccentric tree belonged to one Billy Lucas.Lucas was a guard of the old order. He was in his early sixties, had served forty years on the railways, was in possession of a hair lip and a nasal delivery to match. He also had the most intolerant attitude to passengers it was possible to have without actually killing them.Tales of Billy were legendary. One recalls with a certain fondness the time he ejected two youths from his train for failing to purchase a ticket. The standard approach when dealing with fare dodgers was to ask them if they actually wanted to buy a ticket. If they said no, the British Transport Police were called. If they said yes but had no money their names and addresses would be taken ( hoping they were telling the truth ) and they would be issued with the most expensive one way ticket to their destination that the rules allowed. The revenue department would then bill them and if they refused to pay they would go to court. Billy didnt believe in any of this and his invariable response to fare dodgers was OFF . Such was the case with the aforementioned youths who were duly put off the train somewhere in the upper reaches of the Rhymney valley. What made this incident remarkable however was that Billys Philistine approach had been witnessed by a vicar who took it upon himself to chastise Billy for his unchristian ways. Billy took one look at him and said Shut up you. I work seven days a week. Not one. You can get off as well if you like.On another occasion Lucas was working the Treherbert to Barry Island service on a particularly busy train. So, as he proceeded through the train calling out TICKETHS PLEASTH courtesy of his hair lip, he didnt have the time to look at the faces of the passengers he was serving. If a passenger had a ticket they would hand it to him and he would clip it. If they didnt have a ticket they would say something like Single or Return to Cardiff please. He could then issue them with a ticket from a portable ticket dispenser we all carried at work.On the day in question he had reached the second carriage and was calling out the usual TICKETHS PLEASTH when a passenger said Thicket tho Cardiph pleasth. Billy wasnt biting today so he said without looking up from his machine. Thingle or return? The passenger hadnt heard him and said again Thicket tho Cardiph pleasth. Again without looking up Lucas said THINGLE OR RETURN? THINGLE PLEATH came the reply. At this point Lucas was reaching a fever pitch of indignation for being mocked and said in the loudest possible voice ARE YOU TAKING THE PISSTH OUT OF ME? He swung around only to be staring into the face of a man with a bigger hair lip than he had.Undoubtedly though Lucass finest hour was dealing with a man who believed in the common sympathy we would all feel for a fellow human being in his plight. Billy and I were working a train from Cardiff. I was the assistant ticket collector and Billy was the guard. We approached a guy who was looking the worse for wear and didnt have a ticket. He proceeded to spin a tale of woe second to none. Im sorry boys he said My mother died yesterday and I went out and got drunk, lost all my money on the horses, started a fight and was arrested by the police. I was fined 500.00 this morning and I havent got a penny on me.. I looked at Billy. Billy looked at the guy and said Not your lucky day is it pal? OFF.