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A Binding (Dis)Agreement
Eli J. Finkel is not a name I am familiar with. An American psychology professor he's an expert on successful marriages and has written a book about it.
The path to true happiness liesin going overold arguments, apparently. (Yes, I think I've got that right.)Analysing the disagreements will reveal the cause of them. Sounds good, yah! Not your averagefun- guy,perhaps, buthe has statistics behind him.
I know someonesimilar to him, though.Any family disagreement is recordedin her diary so, if the matter is brought up again, she 'knows exactly' who said what.(I don't know what herhobbies are).
Peter and I never analysed our arguments - I doubt we could haverememebered them, anyway, and I have always held to the dictum"Bury the Bones".Although we do not think alike in any way, we rarely disagree. It might bebecause we know each other's views on things.
Despite the fact everything was stacked against us: I was very young, (sixteen), my parents were divorced, Peter was an only child and he was nine years older than me, we have survived. Studies carried out on these factorspointto a white knuckle ride that can only end in disaster.
We are two very different people. (If Peter banged his head on something, my first reaction would be to laugh, because that's how I am. If I banged my head, he'd worry that my brain had stuck to my skull or something equally awful.We cannot change our personalities. He's an introvert but I am Pisces andcan be quiet or gregarious.
So what steered us away from divorce, apart from the obvious things like love and attraction?
I remember one incident, which he has forgotten, butwhich was pivotal for me. We had been married two years and were invited to adinner/ dance.I wanted to go, he did not (he hates that type of thing). I can't rememberwhat I said but I was annoyed.
Later that evening I feltworried about what I'd said and asked him if he was going to divorce me because of it.
He wasastonished and saidhe would never divorce me, no matter whatI said or did. 'And don't mentiondivorce again', he added, 'we've only had a disagreement.'
Although we'd promised for 'ever and ever' when we married I did know, young as I was, that things went wrong for people far more mature than myself.
Peter'swords were like a renewal of our weddingvows after we'd 'road- tested' our marriage. Theygave methe security to express my opinions without fear.Ialso understood that ifwe disagreedwe were able to come toa compromiseabout it.Both sides give a little, yes?
Hallo again, Todd,
The name Rhys was passed down in my husband's family and used as a Christian name. My mother is proud of her maiden name, Sivell. It is fairly unusualin thispart of Wales because I believe her father's family had their originsin the Vale of Evesham.
Gillian - I have heard that the Picts were matrilineal, but didn't know that the Welsh went in for that kind of thing - interesting. I wish more cultures would - I know much about my fathers, but comparatively little about my mothers! And I agree about family names. When one's great-grandmother has a somewhat funny-sounding name like "Snodgrass", you either hide the fact, or you find ways to take pride in it. I've preferred the latter. Researching this surname lead me to a little village on the coast of what was then Alt Clud or Strathclyde, the longest enduring Brythonic kingdom in the Old North (can you see me puffing out my chest?). It is also that odd name that sparked my interest in Wales, it being the last living link I have to that part of my heritage.
Hi, Todd,
A family name is important for some people, especially if it is an unusual name. It's a verbal badgeof the clan or tribe you belong to. I seem to remember reading that centuries ago in Wales children took their mother's surnames, not their father's, but I could be mistaken.
I'm still fairly new to genealogical research within a European context, but I ran across something of the sort in the Netherlands. I had been researching a Theissen ancestor, when I found his father's surname was Comes, not Theissen (his first name, curiously, was Theissen - Theissen Comes). Hmm, intrigue? Generally speaking, in USA genealogy that would indicate that someone was making an excessive number of social calls. Then I found HIS father - surnamed Theissen - Comes Theissen. It switched back and forth for a number of generations between Comes and Theissen (or Theiss) either in first or last position. I had to laugh when I realized they were doing something like "Jim's William" and "William's Jim", generation after generation. So much for either intrigue or imagination!
How bizarre! I'll have to ask my parents if they ever came across that although it might pre-date them. I think that the English didn't understand the patronymic system. I once saw a Scotsman on the TV who was able to name his ancestors, going back about 500 years! He spoke in Gaelic, if I remember rightly, for several minutes and I suppose it was "son of this" and "son of that".
Hi, Gaynor,
Your comment on names was interesting. AnotherCaramarthenshire country habit was tomake a compound name for a man and his wife. So William and Mary might be referred to as Will-Mary, regardless of whether the speaker was talking of William or Mary. Confusing to outsiders,but not tothose engagedin the conversation.
I don't know if that happened after "anglicisation" of the patronymic. For example Tomos ap Tomos would become Thomas Thomas. Having trawled through endless records for my ancestry tree, I can only say that people used to show a remarkable lack of imagination in naming their children and not only in Wales. Too many children (of both genders) were named after their parents and too many people were called Jane and Mary or William and Robert. Strangely, though, Theophilus was a very popular name in Wales at one time so, when trying to find "my" Theophilus Davies, I found myself in great difficulties!
Hallo, Howell,
I agree about Eli J. Finkel! What puzzles me in Wales, though, is why parents used tochoose names like Evan Evans or Thomas Thomas. Is it a lack of imagination, a belief that once the child could write his first name he only had to repeat it for the surname? No idea.
With a name like Eli J. Finkel it's no wonder he majored in psychology. I cannot bear to think about the razzing he must have endured on the school playground!