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'Walk on by, love'
I'm a fan of Roy the 'Orb' - ('Cry- ah- ah- i-ying over you').It's a private passion and Peter's
probably relieved; we have different tastes in most things, which does not necessarily make us incompatible.
Roy is full of rainbows, dreams, lost loves, mean women, good-byes, tears: he's singing heartbreak andI love the tremble in his voice, the octave range.
I was thinking of Roy this morning. Know the song 'When it's right, it's so right, but when it's wrong, it's all gone'?
There'sa bitter divorce battle, labelled 'toxic', inthe newspapers this week. They're rich, they're powerful and she's gonna get him, whatever it costs (and it's cost him half a million so far). In her own words'I'll nail him'.She loved him once andthey have children but though'it's all over, all over' she can't see that it is.
In the US you may not haveheard of Chris Huhne, the ex-MP who left his wife andchildren for another woman. They'redivorcingandhis wife sayshe forced herto take his speeding points.
They bothheld highly paidjobs but seemcompletely lacking inemotional intelligence. Texts from their teenage son, revealed in the newspapers, show he sides with his mother, not wanting to see his father again. 'Experts' have jumped into print, freely throwing intheir advice about howthe divorce should be conducted, bearing in mind the needs of the children.
One person I know, with a Cambridge degree, was forty when her parents divorced and her father quickly took up with someone else. The forty year old did all she could to cause trouble in his place of work, so furious was she with him. It took her years to forgive him, if she ever has really.
Recently, another couple, both lawyers with two young children,fought each other through the divorce courts until they had spent most of their million pound fortune, leaving them homeless and penniless.Granted that most marriages are a power struggle, how big are these people's egos? Are they completely bonkers?They seem to forget the financialsecurity of their children,leave alone their professional integrity.
OK. I'm not divorcedso I can't advise.I've been married for more than fifty years and I'm no expert on staying together, either. I hope Peter's not thinking of leaving mebut if he did, I'd remember my mother's words when someone wouldn't play with me when Iwas young:
'If they don't want to play with you, you don't want to play with them.Go and find something better to do.'
In short, walk away andsay, likeEdith Piaf, 'No, no regrets, no regrets,rien', becausethen you won't look a pathetic saddo.
Hi Todd, It's amazing how quickly love turns to hate.I wonder, sometimes, if people go along harbouring resentments for years but say nothing at the time.
My husband had a cousin who lived in Colorado Springs. He and his wife came over on two occasions when they were both in their sixties.They seemed well matched, she a retired maths. teacher, he running an insurance firm he had bought from her father. They were both church members, sangin a choir and had loads of friends.
We were having a meal (I should have been on my guard when they said they always saved their pudding for supper), when he saidthey'd been to the Houses of Parliament when they were in London. He then started to describe some complicated Parliamentary procedure, when she cut in and told him not to be boring andthat we weren't interested- (I immediatelysat up and tried to look hyper interested.)
They were a very small couple and he half rose in his seat, turned to her and said, 'OK, Hon (as in 'Honey', I believe) I'm nearly done, Hon'. We then had to ask him a question to make his contribution seem valid. All was smoothed over, but I realised then that it is possible to use an endearment, such as 'Honey' or 'Darling' in a passive aggressive way.
Though he was a bore and tried to see around me when the American Football came on, I think he was hen-pecked and covered his frustrations with the 'Hon'. (She was not fooled, needless to say.)
I'm currently on the sidelines of a similar battle, but a much more personal one. A lifelong friend of my wife is "separating" from her husband. Or he's separating from her. It's rather hard to distinguish, because they're both refusing to leave the house. He has returned to the arms of a long lost love, and has declared war on his actual wife. I cannot imagine what has happened to cause the level of spite and venom that I see. Nor do I want to think about what it's doing to their three children. I agree - just walk on by.
Hallo Bill, Thank you for contacting me. Sorry I forgot to send you a personal reply. I have a feeling that if two people married with just the person officiating and the required witnesses, it might be better, because, as you say, there is so much razzamatazz involved and the meaning looks secodary sometimes.
I've not been to many weddings, but whenmy sons-in-law made theirwedding speeches and said they loved my daughters,it meant a great deal, because this is what marriage is about.
I think it is important to spend some time remembering, together,why you married. It aint easy, but it's worth the effort.
Nice Post Gillian... What fascinates me is that the newspaper industry feel that this will sell newspapers. I am even more saddened by the fact that so many people seem to buy them still. A habit I gave up a number of years ago due to the lack of any real news value therein contained. I have a similar problem with 24 hour news now ... but I still watch.... so maybe I share the fault....
[married 40 years this year]
I absolutely cannot understand people like that - makes you wonder why they ever got married in the first place. So many people seem to be more in love with the state of being married than in the person with whom they've entered into marital bliss - wedding planning is quite the healthy business segment in the US, after all; reality shows ("Bridezilla," "Say Yes to the Dress") have been dedicated to this subject here, and I find myself appalled at the focus on the big party/ceremony/honeymoon vacation with its accompanying lack of focus on the relationship and the fact that it's a lifetime commitment. It's gotten too easy for people to just get out of it when they don't want to do it anymore, and the celebs who sue each other for millions of dollars in divorce settlements could easily use all that cash to feed starving people - something helpful and constructive.
Gillian, like you, my parents have been married a long time (49 years this June), and that's been an example to both me and my brother (he's been married just over 21 years, my wife and I passed our 8th anniversary this past October). My wife is the child of a thrice-married-twice-divorced mother who seems incapable of holding a relationship together - so you can imagine her revulsion at the idea of divorce; "make it work, whatever it takes" is our shared motto. But people are so self-centered and short-sighted these days, people like us are an increasingly rare breed in this world.
I'll keep my old-school mentality, thank you very much, world. There's a right way to do marriage and a wrong way - too many people are choosing the wrong way, fattening the bank accounts of wedding planners and divorce lawyers and making a mockery of what should be a cherished institution.