ORIGINAL BLOG FORMAT WITH PICTURES AT WWW.CRAPWIFEBLOG.CO.UK AND http://craphousewife.blogspot.com/2011/03/diary-of-crap-wife-yawn-poke-gag-scowl.html

Im having to be more covert in my attempt to break him.My mother in law arrived this afternoon and (although shes supportive of the campaign of torment I subject her only child to) it is difficult to get him to dunk his cock in a mug of ice-cold water (in return for access to the bed) when shes asleep in the next room.

Im not known for my subtlety (which is a shame because I wanted to be a spy) and the task is proving difficult.Im not really in a position at the moment to make him take his clothes off in the garden, and because of this Im having to break out the old faithfuls .

Old faithfuls like the yawn game.The yawn game is the simplest form of torture I have ever inflicted.Its so effective that he once told me that it was the most frustrating experience hes had in 30 years on the planet.

Then why did I stop doing it? I hear you ask.

Common sense.When I started the game we were dating, and if Id continued with it, Id never have got him down the aisle.This was around the same time Id started gaining weight, and torturing him before he needed a solicitor to leave me was simply not in my best interests.

I made the decision to retire the game and save it for another day.Like today.

Im going to share with you the genius that is the yawn game.Its a simple case of patience and perseverance.

First, you must ensure that you wake your victim about three times.There are many ways of doing this- I think I heard a burglar is by far the most effective.

When your victim is awake, you allow them to drop off to sleep... and then wake them again. Repeat this process 3 times and then engage them in a conversation about your feelings.

When they start yawning (which they will) poke your finger in their mouth thus making them gag and ensuring that they never complete a full yawn.

It sounds like nothing, but trust me, its the simplest, most effective ploy Ive found to date.

Husband tells anyone wholl listen that for the first year we were together I didnt let him yawn.This is true.Somewhere along the line though, hes forgotten how this made him feel.My previous hard work with the yawn game has become nothing more than an anecdote he tells our friends, hes forgotten the frustration.There was no burglar and he remembers now though.

Youre not starting this crap again, are you? he asked.

What crap? I dont know what you mean? What would you do if I died? Would you ever love again?

Yawn-Poke-Gag-Scowl.

The not letting me yawn crap, you know what Im talking about. Dont you fucking dare.And Id be crushed if you died. You know that.

Yawn-Poke-Gag-Scowl.

I tell him, If I died, I dont want you to be happy, mind.I want you to walk round with my ashes in yourmanbagcrying at strangers.

Yawn-Poke-Gag-Scowl.

Seriously, dont start with the yawn shit again.I know what youre doing. He says .

I want to be buried when I die; I want Living in A Box played at my funeral. I want half the people to be told my last wishes were for everyone to dress in party gear, and the other half to be told to dress in black- that way half will think the other half have been disrespectful and therell be fights. I want fights at my funeral.

Yawn-BollockGrab (you cant be predictable)-Gag-Scowl.

If you start this crap up again then youll be put in a cardboard box withBoyzoneplaying while they burn you with matches.

This is offensive to me; Im not a fan ofBoyzone.

That wont happen, Ill text my sister my wishes and jump off a bridge to spite you.She wouldnt let me down.

Yawn-Poke-Grab-Scowl.

You're scared of heights and anyway, Ill over rule her and then Ill remarry achavto spite you. He says.

Fine, Ill haunt you and stick my finger up your bum before I put it in your mouth when you yawn. Says she.

Husbands getting cross. Im not having this conversation, I had 4 hours sleep last night, its half one and were up at five tomorrow.

Ok, Im sorry, Im not really starting the yawn game again, I just didnt want to sleep-Im upset because Im so fat, I feel really crap babe, Im sure that woman inWyevalewas laughing at me today. I feel really down.

Aww baby, dont be stupid, I love you just the way you are, youre beautiful, youre being silly

Yawn-Poke-Gag-Scowl.

Seriously, dont start with the fucking poking.

Shhhhhh, Husband, youll wake your mother.

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