Bjorn again ChristianEternal bachelor Bjorn Free felt a little out of place.He had only gone on this SAGA holiday cruise to appease his nagging step-sister Nora, who had suggested it might 'change his life'.He had at 67, finally retired from his teaching role after some 48 years in the 'blackboard jungle'and had been cajoled into taking a cruise of Scandanavia by his relative, even though all he wanted to do was have a well earned rest.Bjorn had lived for most his adult life in the little Welsh Valleys backwater town of Abercynon and been the local Primary School Headmaster for over 30 years.He was much respected in the Town and a regular at his local Sunday School Chapel - it was a place he had come to love and felt completely at home in, unlike today where he felt like a fish out of water.True, he was sat in a fold up green chair that he had purchased from 'Asda' in Merthyr Tydfil and was the only one dressed in an anorak and wellies, whilst everyone else was dressed in bikinis and swimsuits and sat around the upper deck swimming pool.Bjorn was deeply religious and didn't feel at all comfortable with the amount of flesh on display and assumed that as it was Early September he should pack and then dress accordingly.How was he to know that Britain and its near neighbours would experience an Indian Summer that some attributed to a shift in the patterns of the Gulf Stream.Perhaps the promised 'Global Warming' so threatened by World Scientists for over a decade had finally materialised.Bjorn was a passionate birdwatcher and had been persuaded by his Step-Sister Nora to take on this cruise of the Norwegian fjords, in the hope of being the first Briton to record on camera a photograph of the rarely spotted 'Norwegian Blue Parrot'.The 'twitcher' lived up to his own billing , as he too had a nervous tic, where his head would suddenly jerk of its own accord particularly when he talked to members of the opposite sex.This was part of the reason Bjorn had never married- the other reasons being his raging dandruff and extreme halitosis.Bjorn enjoyed his own company and felt more at home lying in a field covered in waterproof clothing, than he did sitting poolside watching young kids through his binoculars trying to surf on the on-board wave machine pool.Eventually, he was asked to move by the waiters , as he was unsettling the children's parents with his telephoto lens.Bjorn decided to head to the prow of the great ship 'The Norse Code' - a luxury liner - the first in the World to be built entirely out of Danish Lego bricks.Like all newly retired people, he had decided he must address the problem of not having a will.He once again had been persuaded to leave his not inconsiderable fortune to his younger step-sister Nora , in exchange for certain assurances that he would never be placed in a nursing home.As you can imagine, not having drunk, smoked or gambled all his adult life, Bjorn had amassed quite an amount of 'riches' , even if in realty these 'riches' were merely printed numbers on a bank statement.Bjorn had led a troubled childhood with his Mother Virgo , leaving his natural Father Leo on account of him being 'boring' at the very impressionable age of ten.His Father had been influential in getting his young son named after one of the members of pop group Abba but had soon after met his Waterloo when his much younger wife had left him for a Spanish Waiter whilst on holiday in Majorca.Bjorn remembers with great clarity his normally reserved Father embarrassing his Wife by declaring at the Hotel Evening A LA Carte buffet to the amorous Fernando that ' I am defeated you won the whore' before storming out to catch an Easy-Jet home.Perhaps that was why Bjorn didn't take vacations during the Six- week holidays or was it the fear of ending up on the same beach as one of his pupils for a fortnight.Now he had finally retired , he wasn't concerned about his reputation or standing in the school, he could finally let the remainder of his hair down.Underneath Bjorn knew that was the reason he had never married- his Parents relationship , being Leo and Virgo was always on the cusp with the inevitable divorce written in the stars- he couldn't face a repeat of that tragedy.He stared out at the North Sea , as his giant cruise ship cut a sway through the grey/blue waters heading North towards the Port Of Stavanger and its ultimate destination of the Carlsberg sponsored Hardanger Fjord- 'probably' the largest fjord in the World.*******************Back home in Abercynon, Nora was busy sorting out her Brother's recycling problem.He had put his paper recycling in the black box and not the green bag and the result was that Eco- unfriendly Council in Snake Valley had left behind a warning notice and potential fine sticker with the waste.They wouldn't take it.A different slant on 'refuse' collection.To prevent more mounting ash in Mountain Ash , Nora had decided to take the papers up to the 'tip' herself.Normally, such task would be beneath someone who had climbed up the social ladder having married an Army Colonel, but having recently succeeded in getting her Half-Brother to leave his entire fortune to her , rather than leave it on intestacy to full blood relatives he didn't ever see, she felt it her duty to ensure that his house was in order whilst he was on holiday.Leaving piles of rubbish uncollected on the street of Abercynon was tantamount to an open invitation to burglars written on social media that you were away on vacation.Picking up the piles of amassed 'Hornby Train Collectors Monthly' and 'Chums' magazines, she placed them with the hand delivered local 'Kebab' shop advertisements and discount vouchers for local supermarkets which appeared unsolicited in his letterbox 'Aldi' time.Unwittingly, she had picked up her Brothers Will with the same pile that her Husband had moved there, for them to take home and lock in their safe at their 'Grange' Country Home.As she made her way up to the Abercynon Recycling centre- the refuse disposal operative was shocked to see his first ever delivery via a Rolls Royce Silver Phantom.He definately expected a 'tip' for turning a blind eye to this delivery of trade waste.Placing the items on the top of the overflowing 'paper' skip with her white silk gloves, Nora felt pleased with herself- it was the most 'work' she had done in two decades and was now 'exhausted' by the ordeal of physical labour.Like her Mother before her , she preferred her labour to be of the 'Manuel' variety rather than the 'Manual' sort and certainly not of the ballot box kind.A sneering glance at the minimum wage Council worker did nothing to engender his support as she looked down her nose at his efforts to direct traffic around the jam which her chauffeur had created on site.'Madam, pay up and would you move your vehicle now as it is causing an obstruction !' Council Worker Wayne Womble ordered.'My good man....it is my husband....Colonel Bogie who gives the Orders ...not people of your persuasion.....besides this is a Gratis service....it is my Brothers rubbish .....Mr Bjorn Free!!' replied Nora arrogantly.' My chauffeur Bentley will be given instruction to move ...all in good time once I have attended to my lipstick....!' said Nora opening her vanity mirror and checking her Botox sponsored monkey lips.As she did so, she pressed a button to rudely send the darkened electric rear window to close in the face of Mr Womble.After two or three minutes of making her point felt, she tapped the interior limousine window to signal to Bentley to head for home.Neither Nora nor Mr Womble noticed a buff coloured envelope marked 'Last Will and Testament of Mr Bjorn Free ' near the top of the pile of recycled papers.***********************************As the cruise ship pulled into picturesque Norwegian Fjord of Hardanger, Bjorn was impressed.It was even more beautiful than he had imagined.With the steep sides surrounding the deep but shining waters , the reflection of his white ship shimmered with symmetry and was a photographers's Heaven with the verdant green slopes, blending in with the tranquil deep blue of the inlet stocked with clear blue Atlantic seawater.Rainbow Trout and Salmon rippled the surface of the fjord, as the unspoilt beauty of the once Viking stronghold of Odda came into view.Bjorn looked up to see perilous granite overhanging rocks that jutted out from the Norwegian skyline.He lifted his binoculars to the Nordic Heavens in the hope of spotting in flight the elusive rare Norwegian Blue Parrot that he so longed to see and record in his bird- spotters almanac diary which had a special place close to his heart.He was told that the almost extinct bird had 'beautiful plumage' and wanted to witness its mating call all to himself.The clicking of the ships tannoy system that preceded an announcement was heard .'Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, we have arrived in Norway and will dock here for two hours for you to explore the World famous, Hardanger Fjord- the third largest fjord in the World...please remember to visit the Viking gift shop at the end of the pier which has a nice selection of Hammers, Axes and Swords for you to try and smuggle back through British Customs ......please remember to pick up any litter you may drop as this fjord has a delicate ecosystem which has existed for over two thousand years since the last great Nordic glacier retreated......'Bjorn couldn't wait for the gangplank to be lowered ,not just because his sea-legs weren't as steady as they were in his youth but he wanted to spend as much time as possible checking out the likely habitat and nesting positions of the local birds - the Scandan- 'Avians '.He strode out with walking stick and crampons tied around his waist ready for his journey up to the top of the summit of the fjord.As he passed some of the majestic waterfalls in the World with crystal clear mineral waters flowing into sheer drops of several hundred feet set in a picturesque backdrop fit for the Gods of Northern Mythology.It was like he had been transported back to the time of Freya and Loki - as the place was an unspoilt haven for fauna and flora.If it was the last thing he did on this Earth, Bjorn was determined to get a photograph of the mystical Norwegian Blue into 'Feathered Friends Monthly' and be the envy of his fellow bird spotters.It was his life's ambition and one to tick off his bucket list before he went up to Valhalla to meet Odin's black ravens Huggin and Munnin.***************************'Have you moved Bjorn's Will?' Asked a frustrated Nora finally after twenty minutes of frantic searching.Her husband , retired Colonel Bogie Mustard-Coleman up from his Suduko and raised an eyebrow at his accuser.'My Dear...if you recall- I placed it near the pile of magazines you were taking up the recycling centre!'Nora's blue blood ran cold.She froze, as a look of horror not seen on her face since she was given second row seats at St David's Hall , Cardiff for the Madame Butterfly Opera and had the indignity of having to sit behind her nemesis Maude Pindick , the Local Police Inspector's Wife for the entire five acts.The social climber could not have been more offended, if she had mixed up her home-made Jewish vegetables and marmalade pots at the local Women's Institute Summer Fete and no one could tell her jam from her Jerusalem Artichoke.The will was missing and needed to be found.What would happen if something went wrong with Bjorn whilst he was on holiday.She was aware from her research as a former actuary , that over 40% of the over 70's that go one retirement cruises do not return.She checked the drawers, her car and then realised that she must have picked up with the Will by accident with the magazines she had taken to the Council recycling centre.Not wishing to wait another second, she grabbed the keys to her limousine and slipped onto the drivers seat of the Rolls and set off for the tip and another showdown with the Council Officials.***************************Bjorn crawled flat on his belly on top of a massive flat rock called the Preikestolen or Pulpit Rock.He was certain he had caught a flash of blue plumage in the bushes to his right.It was definitely a birds nest in there...but was it the 'Holy Quail' of the European Birdwatching fraternity?Bjorn controlled his breathing - he was so close now- he didn't want to miss his photo opportunity as he crawled closer to the edge.He could hear the sound of chicks from beneath the rock, and his desire to get the 'money shot' seemed to cloud Bjorn's judgement , as he edged closer to the rim of the stone.The 67 year old was not as lithe or as supple as he once was and a sudden unexpected strong gust of wind hitting his kite-light anorak , unbalanced the pensioner as he struggled against gravity.He tipped over the edge of the rock, with only his strong hands clinging on by his neatly manicured fingernails.He looked like a wrinkled Sylvester Stallone in Cliffhanger, as he fought to pull himself back up to safety and not plummet 1000 feet into the fjord below.As he held on for dear life, he suddenly felt a tingle in his khaki long-shorts and realised his mobile phone was ringing.Bjorn was no different to anyone else in the modern World- in that he was ruled by his mobile phone.He could not resist the urge to answer it- like a teenage driver responding to a text- it was compulsive.He let go with one hand and pressed receive.'Have you reclaimed your PPI?' said a metallic pre-recorded voice message.Bjorn suddenly realised he was doomed, he could not support his weight one handed and was no longer strong enough to pull himself up with the other - as he tried to swing his body to reach up, his remaining grip was loosened and he plummeted towards the fjord water at 70mph becoming the first recorded pensioner to be filmed from a passing P & O Cruise Ship 'stonewalling' .Ironically, he was passed on the way down by a Norwegian Blue Parrot heading in the opposite direction.Even then, Bjorn tried to film it on his camera phone.*******************Nora Mustard-Coleman was not a happy bunny.She had to be physically restrained by two policemen from getting into the Council paper mountain skip.She had demanded to 'Parle' with Council Employee Wayne Womble and ordered him to go into the container and retrieve her Brother's Will.He had taken great pleasure in refusing to come out of his gnome like porta-cabin on the grounds of 'Elf n Safe Tea'.Nora was having none of it.She knew a jobsworth when she saw one and he was just being bloody minded in revenge for her act of lipstick defiance earlier that day.She had tried herself to climb into the skip but it was so precarious to stand on a pile of paper that she could fall through to the bottom and suffocate under the weight of the Local Government Reorganisational Council Boundary Change Minutes of the new Cynon, Rhondda And Pontypridd (labelled CRAP for short) that had been binned by the Welch Assembly Government.She thought that being an Army wife, that the two police officers being men in uniform would naturally take the side of the person with a much higher social status.How wrong she was.They arrested her and issued her with a formal caution warning her about her behaviour.' Mrs Mustard-Coleman I would remind you that you simply cannot go around slapping Members of the Public or Council Workers in the lawful execution of their duty because they refuse to 'bend' the rules to accommodate your wishes....Mr Womble is legally correct in informing you that once you placed that item in the skip ....ownership passed to the Council who are then free to sell the contents of the skip to whosoever they wish...and not account to the rate paying public for the monies.' Said Sergeant Dimm View'You are fortunate that Mr Womble has agreed not to press charges for Common Assault and Battery providing you apologise to him and agree never to darken his recycling centre again!' continued the Officer.'Batteries were in a different skip Sarge...!' Interrupted PC Correct.The Senior Policeman ignored the comment.' Not in a month of Sunday's will I apologise to that oike...!'replied Nora angrily.'Well if you won't do this the easy way...we will have to do it the hard way....and you will have to accompany us to the Station...Mrs Coleman-Mustard....if you think that skip is a lot of paperwork...wait till you see my desk....!' Said Sergeant View.'I know your Chief Constable personally...If you arrest me ...I promise it will be your last act as Sergeant...!' Said Nora trying to intimidate the Officer.'Do you know what effect the taser gun can have on a human body Mrs Coleman-Mustard?....if I were you I wouldn't be KEEN on taking a blast if I were you!' Shouted Womble enjoying his little victory by gloating at the spectacle.Nora made once last grab for the Will before being forcefully restrained and manhandled into the back of the panda car, by a combination of the officers.********************Bjorn Free was hurtling through the air at around 80mph.Free - falling if you like.Port Talbot actor Rob Brydon was sat on the Upper Deck of his P & O cruise liner watching the entire spectacle.He thought that he better film the entire incident on his camera phone - as no-one back home would ever believe him.Whilst he was now entering the twilight of his career - he was getting fed up of being mistaken for Comedy Actor Ben Miller, and decided that he preferred being the other side of the camera for a change.This complimentary break from the Cruise Line Company in recognition of his advertising on television had been great - whilst Ben Miller was probably still having ' The Worst Week of his Life'.He hoped that the elderly birdwatcher would hang on- but secretly and a little selfishly , a little bit of him wanted to see the man fall - so he could be interviewed on ITV show Good Morning Britain about 'his ordeal' and get fifteen minutes of prime air time that his Agent said his career desperately needed.He was also curious to see if after observing our feathered friends for all these years if this man had learned anything about how to fly himself.Bjorn waved his arms about a bit as he fell parallel to the vertical rock face of the fjord.Bjorn was lucky that his descent was slowed down by protruding green vegetation , as he bumped into small overhangs and green ledges as he plummeted, down spinning and turning in the air.He landed with a sickening crash into the top of a Norwegian Pine tree - arse first - resulting in the worst wedgie known to man.Brydon could see from the result how the idea for the first fairy at the top of the Christmas came to pass.Whether it was kismet or otherwise but Bjorn had crash landed on top of the nest containing the only remaining eggs of the Norwegian Blue Parrot- killing its occupants and the female bird incubating the same.The male parrot too was in shock- he had witnessed the massacre of his entire family by someone who was reputed to be a 'bird lover'.Bjorn was concussed from the fall and utterly defenceless from the insurgent attacks from the Male bird protecting his territory .His mate of ten years no longer looked like a 'pretty polly' but more like a deformed kingfisher.He swooped and dived on poor Bjorn like he was an extra in the Hitchcock film 'the birds' until he managed to send the pensioner tumbling the extra 80 feet to the narrow inlet shoreline.Bjorn landed head first on a rock which knocked him completely unconscious.Brydon, coming from Port Talbot acted 'instinktively-' and dived off the ship in a swallow dive that Splash Olympian Tom Daley would have been proud of.Using his little 'action man' arms to propel himself across the choppy waters of the fjord, Brydon swam like a man possessed.He doggy-paddled his way across the natural estuary towards the downed pensioner and hauled himself up onto the rocky ledge where the stricken Bird man lay bleeding.Brydon tore a strip off his 'I'm not YOUR Uncle Bryn' tee-shirt and wrapped it as a tourniquet around the head wound.He winced a bit , as he popped a little bit of the injured man's brain back inside his temporal lobe.He cradled the injured man in his tiny arms until the sea- ambulance arrived nearly thirty minutes later- which was still within the permitted longship call-out target times.Bjorn was then taken to the closest village of Bledesbaad for specialist treatment on his head injuries.*************************Bjorn woke up in a hospital bed.He had a pounding headache , which felt like he had been struck by Thor's Hammer but was only to be expected considering the height and nature of his fall.He was lucky to be alive, and even luckier that specialist brain surgeon Haard of Herring was passing through the region.As Bjorn opened his eyes for the first time in a week, he knew something was radically wrong.He reached up and felt the top of his head .On the left side, there was a small satellite dish installed inside his fractured skull which made him look like Former England striker Gary Lineker in profile.The rest of his 'Swede' was wrapped in conventional Norwegian Head medicine - dressed in vinegar and brown paper.He remembered what had happened to him but didn't have a clue where he was- other than in hospital.He opened his mouth to speak but no English came out.There was sound but he couldn't understand what he was saying to himself.Dr Herring was summoned by an Asian looking nurse who strangely seemed to be the only one of the two able to understand his request.Bjorn instinctively knew that there was some neurological damage- that his brain had been impaired by the fall but it was too early to understand its full effect.Dr Herring was talking to the Nurse who Bjorn understood to be called Wun Hung Lo.Haard of Herring was difficult to listen to , as with his speaking in gobbledegook - it was like he was in a Foreign Country.Bjorn didn't know it but it was the first man to be saved by his anorak hood and the integral layers of dandruff packing.As soon as Nurse Hung Lo spoke he could understand her.She signalled for his family and friends to come in to see him - after all they had flown in from Britain to be at his bedside.His Step-sister Nora, his Brother-in-Law Colonel Mustard , his real sister -Elsa Free - who had been released into the wilds of Africa - who had had not seen for over twenty years and some chap with a television crew who looked like comedian off the television , all came in at once to see the invalid.'It is nice to see you are 'Brainually Retentive' again!' gasped the relieved comedian.' I feared that like that Norwegian blue parrot you were a stiff...you had ceased to be...become an ex-man...being really really Thor from hitting that Norwegian Spruce....'Bjorn did not understand a single word the Welshman uttered- not because of his accent but that it was being received by Bjorn's brain in English.'This Doctor and his staff have brought you back from the dead and left only a tiny portable scar on your head!' Said Nora relieved that her Step-Brother was still alive and kicking- even if his right leg was paralysed completely from the pine needle injuries.Once again Bjorn could see her lips moving but could not understand a single word that was uttered.It was like watching a bad Western Film dubbed into Welsh.'Those Norwegian Surgeons are wonderful- repairing your brain the way they did- they are the real heroes of Telly- Mark' " quipped Brydon.The joke like the mini satellite dish on top of Bjorn's Free's bonze ....just went right over their heads.'Is that Free- view?' Asked Brydon following up his earlier effort at humour which fell even flatter than a Welsh Ornithologist off a Norwegian Fjord.'I have brought you something...look here are the deeds to your house and the keys to your car...if you give them back to me I will accept them as a 'death bed gift' ' said Nora passing over a metal box.Bjorn tried to speak but all that came out was the sound of a language he did not recognise.Only Nurse Hung- Lo appeared to understand -as it was in a Chinese dialect.It was odd , as before the accident Bjorn had never even been to China or even eaten Chinese Food.He did however accept the box from his step- sister and placed alongside him on the bed.He asked the Nurse to ask the Doctor if he could be permitted to have a small can of American lite beer and a cigarette to celebrate the survival of his ordeal.Dr Herring didn't object- after all he was a big fan of 'smoking' too.Bjorn picked up the box containing his deeds and his car keys but to the dismay of his Step-Sister Nora and Blood Sister Elsa , he handed them over to Brydon in gratitude for him saving his life.Brydon cheekily also asked if he had 'any plans for that left slipper too?'As he did so he raised his beer can to the Comedian that had saved his life.In perfect Mandarin he said''It's Miller Time!'.He was no longer a Bjorn again Christian but a Bjorn again Buddhist.
