A Broken Toy by Clare Langford

AmeriCymru
@americymru
01/23/19 02:05:21AM
113 posts

Solitude is my constant.

My guide and my shadow.

Even with my palms against another’s,

Even when my lips are stretched in an unfamiliar grin,

Dwarfed in comparison,

But as large as I am capable,

I am alone.

A smile from me was as rare,

As the sight of a sapphire orb,

Beaming down from a cold, black sky.

Yet you elicited so many from me.

I thought that was my limit,

Brought upon me from my inner wounds.

You proved me wrong, yet again.

Laughter.

I had heard it, from a distance,

Some curious, exotic music.

Never from my own cracked lips.

It sounded so full,

So dry,

An oasis in a desert.

You surmised how unpractised

That melody had become,

Save my pride you spoke not.

Questions were taboo,

So was my thinking,

But perhaps,

You truly did not care

About my past.

I loathe to consider the possibility,

Of the same indifference,

Towards myself.

Slowly, slowly,

Not by my will but silently,

My barricaded heart was bared.

I can never come to you naked,

Some things cannot be undone,

But I am changed.

Or, at least,

I was changed.



You join the few,

I can count on my tiny fingers,

That I miss.

Under your watchful eye,

I learnt to feel,

And that the granite of my heart,

Was just a layer,

Protecting delicate flesh.

The shield I had erected,

Could not heal my wounds.

Only love could,

If I allowed it.

I learnt to find other dreams,

Desires.

I learnt want,

As opposed to need.

I learnt to travel without hiding.

That there was more to this undefinable existence,

Than simply predator,

And prey.



I used to be the prey,

In disguise.

My fierce tone,

And dark shield,

I seemed somewhat like the predators,

Which stalked me.

I became evasive,

At the mercy of a hoard

In human form.

They had no clemency,

Tearing at my shield,

Drawing blood,

Scratching, etching,

Into my hidden skin.

Long were they silent,

Quelled by your benign gaze,

But how long has it been,

Since I was last graced

With your presence?



My scars have surfaced once again,

And I fear your joyful anodyne,

Can never soothe them.

I thought, perhaps,

That you knew me.

Knew a relapse was due,

In abandonment.

Why then?

If you knew how easily

Doubt breeds within me,

Did you allow such distance,

To seep between us.

I cannot rely on you,

For you are not the exception,

To my painful rules,

That I had hoped.

Such was foolishness.

Your love was transient,

As so many thing are.



A broken toy,

Even when fixed,

Will always bear the signs that it has fallen apart.



I am no different.


updated by @americymru: 01/23/19 02:06:08AM