Father of the Bride But why do I have to marry him ? asked little Anna as she sat out the Registry Office in Lower High Street Merthyr Tydfil. Its not every day a youngster in Merthyr has the chance to marry a Hollywood A-Lister....! said Mam. It will secure the family future and cement our place in history! said Dad eagerly pushing his only daughter, aged just sixteen towards the Registrars door.Her bridegroom looked old enough to be her grandfather as he sat there in his designer suit which cost more than the whole Merthyr Tydfil Borough to buy.The only clue , as to the celebrity status of the groom was the plastic facemask.Bride or Groom? asked the female usher Jodie Foster looking at the couple as they entered the room.Looking down at the rows of seats with shell-suited and trainer-clad people on the one side and half of the mega-stars in Hollywood on the other- it was more divided than modern British Society - as the haves met the have-nots in one room.It was understandable that poor Anna Nicole Silicon fresh from leaving school at 16 with less paper qualifications than Sir Alan Sugar, looked nervous.She had never been to an arranged marriage before let alone her own one.The almost child bride looked around for signs of encouragement at the celebrity side of the room but didnt meet with any reassuring smiles- Michael Phantom of the Opera Crawford, Antonio Zorro Banderas and Jim The Mask Carey just stared blankly back.As her frog-marching stopped at the altar, her mother and father slid into the dark side of the Troedyrhiw crowd, as she looked for the first time that day into the eyes of her intended.The blonde, female registrar, Minnie Strar, who was so petite she had to stand on three hymn books to marry the couple. Do you Sir Philip Anthony Hopkins....take this woman to be your awful wedded wife.....to love her...honour her and obey her.....as long as you both shall live? asked Minnie. Yesssss! hissed back the former Welshman from behind his plastic face mask.The was no hint of Port Talbot or Hollywood in his accent...it was more like Park Hospital Bridgend.Anna looked round at her mother scared to death. Its not like were asking you to have sex with him! said the mother turning her head back to the registrar forcibly. Do you Anna Nicole Silicon take this mannibal to be your husband....for richer or richer...in sickness and in health...? asked the pint-size civil vicar -dodger.The whole room was on tenterhooks waiting for a reply to Minnies Question .Anna had lost her voice.The prospect of seeing Hannibal Rising in the marital bed after had left her terrified....speechless and completely silent. I do...! said Ma Silicon speaking through the side of her mouth like a ventriloquist Ray Allen and Lord Charles. Sorry....it has be her! declared the registrar. But he did it in the film Magic!! protested the mother seeing her daughters dowry disappearing before her eyesAnna didnt want to live a lie .She didnt want to marry a man whose hands were as cold as ice.She looked around at the faces of her family who were eagerly willing her on for their own purposes.She wanted her big fat gypsy wedding, that she had been promised as a child and not marry a man just because he was well endowed.The mere thought of her wedding banquet being Fava Beans and a nice Chianti disturbed her most of all.How could you marry a man capable of switching character so effortlessly and who had played the scariest Hollywood character ever.She wanted to marry the man of her dreams not the man of her recurring nightmare. Whats the matter....cat got your tongue....? hissed Hopkins menacingly.How do you marry a man you dont love? ......she said trying to recapture a magic moment as if in silent prayer to Debbie Magee.The room began to spin as her young body became Bronte-esque and swooned at the injustice.When she came around , her make-up and dress were all in tatters from the fall and she saw her mothers face black as thunder. Wheres my new husband? she asked tentatively. Too late love....while you were out ....the registrar married him in your place ! grunted her father angrily. She married him to whom? asked Anna still dazed and confused. She married him herself...conducted the service....and whisked him off to the Honeymoon Suite at the Chaplins Hotel.....you silly girl....you ruined OUR future! said her mother. She didnt wait did she! agreed the father of the bride. She wont have long too wait before she performs a third service on him....and then she can register his death too and dispose of the remains of the day....quipped her brother.As she picked up her cheap breast implants off the floor with despair, she realised she had dropped the second biggest booby of her young life.
updated by @philip-evans: 11/11/15 10:39:10PM