MASS MURDERRushing through the dark mass of trees, actor Gregor Fishers heart was beating faster than it had done for years.He was sweating more than a paedophile in a school playground.Cyfarthfa Park, Merthyr Tydfil, was a vast expanse of pathways and in the twilight they all looked the same in his heightened state of panic.He was sorry that he strayed from the pathway to the rear of the Castle and sorrier still that he had volunteered for inclusion on that television show.Pushing away the overgrown branches of the trees , he stumbled headlong in terror into the shallow reeds of the Goetre Pond .Landing with a splash in the darkness , his Rab C Nesbitt string- vest and headband became entwined in the underground vines and reeds which had sucked many an unsuspecting swimmer to their death.The reeds like invisible hands clutched at his wine-stained trousers and dragged him down to the dark bottom of the pond.As he struggled against the evil forces of nature, he forgot momentarily about his pursuer.Then suddenly he saw him.The evil eyes glowing red in the darkness, white collar shining brilliantly in the remaining light.Gregor reached out in desperation towards the figure , literally a drowning man clutching at straws.The last thing that Gregor felt , before he succumbed to the cold of the stagnant water, was a sharp pain of a hypodermic needle in the back of his hand.The rest was numbness , blackness ....then silence as his lifeless body floated to the top of the pond surface.Where have you been at this time of night? asked Mrs Mass-Bates, sat with her back to the door looking out at the rear garden, to her son Norman. Just been out for a tramp in the woods....thats all mother! said Norman limply from the bedroomn of his Cromwell Street house that they shared together, just off the Walk, in Merthyr Tydfil. Its cold out there ...its September now and youll catch your death in that thin priest outfit! declared his hectoring old lady. Now ...theres no need to worry about me mam....I am 73 years of age...a 90 year old woman shouldnt be worried about her son ...I am doing the Good Lords work...he will protect me.....now go and watch that JVC shopping channel you like...and call me if that set of hunting knives for cutting up animals comes on again!. Well hes dead you know! declared David Yip, the Chinese detective to his sidekick Charles Chan...watching the tramp floating on the surface of the Goetre Pond. Who found the body? asked the detective to the group of Cyfartha School kids gathered round with morbid fascination. Well... I did...! declared Rhys jetpack Walker ...but Flye was the first to hit him with a skimming stone...and Curtis dragged him out...! continued the schoolboy. He does rookie lifeguard, hes the one who knows how to drag bodies from ponds safely...we call CPR Evans continued Jetpack. Aye...us props do all the donkey work...and the backs get all the glory! moaned Curtis standing on his own smelling of pond life. Shit happens! said Yip to the children. And on this occasion shit floats....! commented Charlie Chan.....thats the third vagrant weve found dead this month.....!said Chan eyes narrowing suspiciously. Phew....this vagrant is very fragrant....! retched Yip as the smell of the dead man hit him. Any witnesses, or information ...? asked Yip to Chan. Only the parkie , over there who shut the gates at 9.30am last night ...he reckons that the tramps around here have paired up ....worried that there is a serial killer on the loose! Take a statement and get this one off to the Police morgue.. theres more life in his vest......I want to see what killed him.! Said Yip. We begin our service with the Hymn...Joy to the World, the Lord has come! declared the catholic priest , as he stood in the pulpit , at the front of St Judes Roman Catholic Church. Thats a bit unusual for a funeral service ....? remarked Allan Pepper Jones , ex- mayor and professional dirge singer to his friend Ken El CID Davies.Priest Norman Mass-Bates looked angrily at the pair ,the only two mourners left, daring to whisper in the House of God. If looks could Kill! replied Jones without moving his lips with all the skill of a chapel-farter. Dearly beloved...we are gathered here today to commit our brother Freddy Bramble to the earth...if anyone knows of any reason or just impediment why he should not be laid to rest for eternity, please state it now or forever hold you peace. boomed out the voice of the Priest.The church congregation in the Parish had dwindled significantly .In modern times marriage was no longer the way of the young , nor were children Christened anymore.The number of goats was on the increase , whilst the number of good sheep flocking to church was down.It had fallen still further when Father Mass-Bates had started mixing up his wedding and funeral services.Death was the only friend of the church , which was also subject to market forces and massive repair and heating bills.As they left the church , both mourners concluded , when they were at a safe distance, that the once-proud church was the best supported in Merthyr but now the situation at St Judes beggared belief.Lying face up on the mortuary slab in Old Big Ears Hospital, the two detectives watched, while the coroner carried out an examination of the deceased tramp. Did you find any means of identification on the body ? asked coroner Viv E Section. No...but we know who he is...er... who he WAS! declared Chan checking his South Wales Police issue notebook. Gregor Fisher.... of BBC Scotland Rab C Nesbitt fame......! he continued. Was he filming an episode in Cyfarthfa Park of that comedy series? asked Yip. No...that was cut years ago....so why would a millionaire Scotsman masquerade as a tramp in a Merthyr Tydfil Park?...it just doesnt make sense! announced the detective out loud. He obviously had good taste....! announced the coroner....sawing through his swollen stomach and emptying the contents like the scene from Jaws. Oysters, caviar....haggis and prime beef steak! he continued probing further into the distended stomach bag. You dont get those things floating around in Merthyr ponds....any used condoms or dead greyhounds? asked Chan interestedly. The stomach can contain difficult to digest items from over a week ago...! said the coroner still rummaging around. I believe that he ate his last meal in Pontmorlais and went to see a lap dancing show in the upstairs of the Vulcan Pub the night before he died.....! Ruddy Hell.... said a surprised Yip.... medical science is brilliant ...how the Hell could you deduce that ? The man must have been so hammered or entranced...he ate the table napkin by mistake during the performance! continued doctor Viv. I can see the Merthyr Depress headlines now....Murder in Park ....String vest fellow actor Gregor Fisher visits Merthyr on the Secret Millionaire programme frequents Merthyrs equivalent to Stringfellows and gets Pole-axed.! declared Yip feeling the media spotlight beginning to turn on him.The spotlight on the head-band of the coroner turned on the greasy red- headband of the corpse searching for clues and evidence of a struggle. Any sign of the cause of death yet....? asked ChanToo early to say....given that he was found in a pond ....my bet is drowning! laughed the coroner....pulling out a small guppy from his nose.....the coroner declared what do you know A Fish called Wanda!...... besides I knew he wasnt a real tramp straightaway...! lifting out a chunk of gristle, said Viv How come ? asked Yip excitedly. No toe jam...all tramps have toe jam...sometimes I cant get the toe tag on theres too much ooze.!As Yip picked up some brown rice left over on the body surface....he moved to discover a partially digested cockroach.... I think he went to Honk Kupps Chinese Restaurant too! Hang on ...this is unusual.... he said examining the lower part of the corpse....a small prick......! said the Coroner triumphantly. I am not into comparing notes! replied Chan On his index finger...right hand....continued the Coroner speaking into his Dictaphone.......a small red prick....like a syringe mark....! Big deal....everywhere in Cyfarthfa Park has discarded needles ! said Yip Yes...but the angle of entry and the force used suggests that it was not accidental injection...but a deliberate stab wound...I am going to test the body for foreign fluids! continued the Coroner ...like they do on CSI New York! said Viv dramatically.*******************************************************************
updated by @philip-evans: 11/11/15 10:39:10PM