Art AttackThe Barrister glowered at the youth.The youth glowered back through his balaclava hood. And I say Sir .that you are a common criminal ! continued Mr Horsehair. And I say Sir that you are an anachronismwearing a 17th Century wig in a 21st Century Merthyr Tydfil Courtroom! replied the youth. I AM NOT the one on trial.about to lose my liberty! said Mr Horsehair feeling superior. You wear that wig for your anonymity and therefore I refuse to remove my balaclava on the same basis! spat back the rebellious youth. Besidesit is super-glued on .so any attempt to remove it will be both an assault and a battery and infringe my European Human Rights in the process! said the polyester-faced urban terrorist.He stood defiant looking at the trial Judge at Merthyr Crown Court as if testing his resolve. Mr Bates.I do not want this trial to end up like some media circus.for the last time.would you do the Court a service and remove your ski mask? askedJustice Balls politely. NoI take the Fifth! said the kid. Mr BatesI would remind you that this is Wales and not the United States of America! said Judge Balls. Sir. I am a Government ArtistI draw the Dole nothing elseI have done nothing criminal. ! replied the defendant from his dock. That is for the jury to decide! said the Judge. Continue! he motioned to Mr Horsehair with a petulant flick of his hand. Mr Bates.you are charged with criminal damage to certain buildings in Merthyr Tydfil on the nights of October 23rd 2012 and 24th October 2012 , namely the Swan Street Police Station, The Old Town Hall, the Library and the Listed Building at 69 High Street, Merthyr Tydfil currently Lloyds Tsb Bankhow do you plead? asked the prosecution barrister. On my hands and knees usually! came the witty reply.The Court room including the Jury erupted in fits of laughter. OrderOrder! demanded the Judge banging his gavel on the desk to show his authority. Any more answers like that young man and Ill hold you in contempt of Court! said the raging Judge , steam come out from under his two wigs. With respect.your HonourI merely answered the question raised by my Learned Friend- ! replied Bates playing the Judiciary at its own game. So you deny you were responsible for the vandalism of the side of the Swan Street Police Station? asked Horsehair. Please define vandalism? asked the kid. You intended to damage Property not OWNED by you! said the barrister. Please define damage? continued the youth- only his eyes, mouth and nose were visible beneath the balaclava. You defaced the West Side of the Police Station near the former Hollies Health Centre ! said the Counsel. Define deface? challenged the youngster. In language you would understandthis timedeface isnt what you are hiding from the Court by wearing that stupid balaclava said Counsel frustrated at having the tables turned on him by someone with a higher IQ deface means the action of you spray-painting a penis on the side of the Police Station with intent to damage the building! Define penis? challenged the kid againjury now sitting forward enjoying the banter and awaiting the next punch-line. Penis- the male member.! said Horsehair being led up the garden path by the street kid. What like him? asked Bates pointing at the Police Officer near the door with his helmet still on.The Court collapsed once again in front of the furious Judge.The barrister tried to inflect a higher more aggressive tone in his voice to bully the defendant. Did you or did you not ruin the side of the Property of Her Majestys Government by way of graffiti using a spray can and detailing the male genitalia? continued the line of attack. Define ruin? asked Bates. Lookto spray-paint a penis onto the side of a Police Station would damage public property! said the Barrister crossly. That is an express of your opinion.to me spray- painting a penis onto a wall containing lots of Policemen .might not be considered damage! replied Bates. How come? asked Horsehair slowly realising he had put his foot in a bear trap. It might be classed as a modern DIRECTIONAL sign! said Bates.
updated by @philip-evans: 11/11/15 10:39:09PM