By: Ceri Shaw
Posted in: Humor
“Did you forget something from last time?” Asked Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy.
Disgraced Former-British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, held out the hand he had previously offered to COVID patients in 2020 expecting the President to grasp it.
“What do you want Boris?…..did you come to Ukraine to claim ‘Non-Dom’ status like some of your former Cabinet colleagues?” continued the President in impeccable English.
“Don’t mention that weasel Cummings to me!” replied Boris, still stung by the previous back stabbing from his former aide.
“Are you in trouble again and want to distract the public attention?” Asked the wise President.
“Boris….isn’t that a Russian name…as in Boris Johnson, whose Conservative Party have had multiple donations from Russian oligarchs and likes to play tonsil tennis with their wives?” Interrupted former World Heavyweight boxing champion, Vitali Klitschko.
“Not that one….so honoured to meet you though ….always been a big fan of the Klit !” said Boris switching his hand toward the pugilist.
The handshake was once more declined.
“Friend of two beards …Lord Lebedev of Hampton & Siberia?” continued the boxer.
“Shall I punch his lights out Mr President….we ARE supposed to be in blackout!”
Zelenskyy raised his hand for the Southpaw threat to stop.
“Look at that Chicken Kyiv…he is shaking more than a Russian conscript holding a Molotov cocktail!” Continued Klitschko.
“ Did you bring any tanks with you?” Asked the President.
“No …but I assure you that they are on order….I did however bring a few jars containing tomatoes for your civilians to continue taking down those pesky Russian drones!” Said Boris still shaking like Matt Hancock having a cupboard knee- trembler.
“ You shouldn’t have gone to the trouble!” Said Zelenskyy sarcastically.
“No trouble…I put it on my parliamentary expenses anyway!”
“We have invited ‘Biden’ to the Feast - to finally win the Cold War for the West!…surely then we will get our wish to join the United Nations, NATO and the European Union?” Said Zelenskyy hopefully.
“Of course!” replied the professional liar.
Boris looked more sheepish than a Welsh Hill Farmer.
“Sleepy Joe has agreed to send 31 M1 Abrams tanks to add to the German offer of 14 Leopard Tanks so we can decimate the out-dated Russian T72, T80 and T90 tanks on the battlefield and reclaim Donbas & Crimea from Putin the Great Bear!” The Ukrainian President announced triumphantly.
“ And make him more like ‘Winnie the Pooh-tin’ when you, the Victorious Ukrainian Paddington ‘peppers the pigs’ with tank shells?” Replied Boris trying to play to the crowd with his usual unintelligible drivel.
“Any chance you could close the crack in that ‘Iron Curtain’ over there ….as the orange flames from the missile fires are blindsiding me more than Keir Starmer at the dispatch box?” pleaded the former PM.
“So exactly when will we receive the promised British Challenger 2 tanks, so we can make UK Rain with them ?” demanded Zelenskyy.
“ Or even copy Flybe and impose a no fly zone over our Country!”
“It will have to be after the release of the Russia Report, the Sue Gray Partygate Enquiry and of course, the inquiry into how so many Gangster Russians have entered the Upper Chamber- the inquiry into the Soviet ‘Crimea’ Lords if you like…!” Continued Boris.
“That goes against the grain!” Replied Zelenskyy.
“Is that a veiled food threat ?” Asked Boris.
“My former KGB contact…oops sorry …that evil Vlad the impaler Putin threatened me too recently ….he offered to send me on a cruise - I thought marvellous…another freebie holiday….but sadly he was referring to the missile !”
“Did you have any witnesses present to corroborate that claim?” Asked Zelenskyy.
“”Of course not…but you can ask my former editor of the Times Newspaper or Tory grandees Michael Howard and Michael Gove….I never fabricate stories or lie…!” protested Boris.
“Back to the original question Boris….when will we get the Challenger 2 tanks?” Ordered Zelenskyy
“Well, the Challenger 2 tanks will take some time but we have some tanks we can offer immediately - they are the Ajax tanks built in the original Donetsk -in the South Wales Valleys!” offered Boris.
“ They are ready to ‘rumble!’ he continued.
“ I have heard of that place….Hughesovska Tydfil ….on a Friday and Saturday nights it is more of a war zone than Ukraine…It is the amateur boxing capital of Wales especially near the Kooler nightclub…I fear to go there on my own!” Said Klitschko.
“Rumble’ alright….those tanks are reputed to suffer excessive noise and vibration and have a top speed of 20mph and no reverse gear !…..my military advisers have told me they are about as useful as PPE from a Conservative Party Fast track company!” Complained Zelenskyy.
“But what you do is to ‘Putin’ your older more deafer Tank Commanders in them from the Ukrainian equivalent of the Walmington-on -Sea Dad’s Army Home Guard- the most expendable ones…like we did with Liz Truss and hide the better tanks behind them…!” Said Boris.
“Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler?” Asked Zelenskyy.
“ I prefer the comparison to Winston Churchill if you don’t mind!” Replied Boris.
“ He wanted to ‘Nuke’ Russia too …if my reading of history on Wikipedia is correct!” said Zelenskyy.
“And ordered the British Army to open fire on his own people- the Tonypandy miners!” Interjected Klitschko.
“Yes …but at least we Brits are more decent …it’s not like we would ever invade the Crimea like the Russians did in 2014!” declared Boris.
“Now that operation would be ‘unthinkable’! “ said Zelenskyy taking the piss.
“Would you take a bullet for your leader?” Asked Klitschko beating his chest.
“For Rishi Sunak?” Chortled Boris.
“ I would die for my Country like thousands of my countrymen have before me!” said the patriotic boxer.
“ I NEARLY died for my Country when I caught COVID in 2020….in my own version of the Cold War….does that count?” Replied the narcissist serial shagger.
“No!” Said Zelenskyy bluntly.
“Sign this commitment to Ukraine!” Ordered Klitschko.
Boris took one look at the paper containing lots of clauses all written in a foreign language and grabbed a pen.
“ I don’t do detail….as the Brexit deal and the Northern Ireland Protocol proves!”
“Us True Blue Conservatives are diametrically opposed to ‘red tape’ !” boasted Boris.
“ I assume ‘shchytok tila’ means ‘Free Trade Agreement’ in Ukrainian?” laughed Boris knowing that he had no mandate to act on behalf of the British people anyway- in the exact same way that two of his successors Prime Ministers have.
“There….I have signed it….it’s all there in black n white…or more precisely in blue & yellow!……now where can I find those Babushk’s?…I too want to get inside those Russian dolls!”
“ Shchytok Tila means ‘body shield’ in English in the same way Lonsdale means below the belt in Boxing!” replied Klitschko.
Boris looked more worried than the time Wife Carrie cracked his laptop password.
“Congratulations President you have your Churchill Tank after all!”
A terrifying prospect.....the Hughesovska Tydfil Mechanised Irregulars!!!
Glad the story didn’t tank
Nope....went with a bang!