Ill advised Welcome Mr Sponger....Ive heard a lot about you from my staff...it appears that you are the stuff of legend in these here parts! said Mr Eichmann, Chairman of the DSS Unemployment Appeals Tribunal in Merthyr Tydfil.Mr Sponger accompanied by his friend McKenzie took a chair in the middle of the room facing the panel. Mr Sponger...Im afraid your companion will have to leave the room...this back- to- work interview is private and confidential! continued the Chairman. Mac here is my lawyer....! said Sponger looking the chairman in the eye. Your Government Rules say that I am entitled to have legal representation present at such a hearing....if this version of the Nuremburg trials is in fact a hearing! said Sponger. Mr Sponger...this is not a trial...this a board set by the new Conservative Government to determine whether or not you are fit to return to work ....now your lawyer....which law school did he attend...? asked Eichmann. No Law School Sir...but he has a degree from the University of Life and was brought up in Galon Uchaf, Merthyr Tydfil and is therefore an expert in unemployment matters...!Besides ...interrupted McKenzie ... he is my friend and once again Mackenzie Friends are permitted in hearings of this nature .Rule 7c of the Unemployment (Wales) Benefit Regulations 2010 (as ratified by the Welsh Assembly and the European Parliament....! said Mac reading from his book Employment Law for DummiesEichmann knew then he was going to have trouble with this pair.This is Dr Hilary Jones, formerly of GMTV ...a daytime show that you probably watched while everyone else was in work! sneered Eichmann.The jibe did not even register with Sponger.His skin was thicker than a rhino wearing rugby padding. Wheres my usual Doctor....from Swansea....Dr Mumbles...wheres he gone? asked Sponger nervously. He was struck off for helping a drugs mule get five condoms from his intestines with a street value of 1 Million....once he had his cut he told the General Medical Council to shove their job up their arse....since GMTV finished ...Dr Hilary needed to get back to work...so the DSS helped him....and now we are trying to help you! said Eichmann. DSS....Eichmann....you used to be the DHSS...and then you dropped the H...why dont you drop the D too and show your true colours! said Sponger. Mr Sponger....you have been out of work so long....you dont just have a file...you have your own cabinet....!replied Eichmann. Let me see....you left school in 1962...the year of the Cuban Missile crisis and have worked less than 50 days since! said Eichmann. Hes been ill see! said Mackenzie interrupting. Oh yes....hes been ill alright....! said Dr Hilary Jones. Ive been reading his medical records for two weeks and that was just the notes on the front cover! Hilary Jones....thats a girlie name....and what the Hell are you doing to your hair these days? said Sponger ....My mother would have given me a clip around the head if I pretended to go to school with hair like that!The glare from the TV Medic was enough. In 1962 , after you left school and started in Hoovers in Pentrebach...., you left the premises on your very first day because you felt the room spinning around you..... said Dr Hilary Jones.What did you expect you were in the Washing Machine manufacturing Section.... said Eichmann pontificating. In 1963...continued Dr Jones... you want to work in Triangs Factory...and resigned after claiming you were being pushed around by the foreman in the pram department.! Your medical records show your were prescribed tranquilisers in 1963 and have never come off them! Oh dont stop my prescriptions Doc or half my street will be start to besiege your waiting room too! said Sponger. Idris the Milk likes those blue pills and Dai the Coal would be lost without his Tamazepan! So in 1964...you were sent to Thorns for some light work....how long did you last there? asked Eichmann. Sponger...you dont have to answer that...said Mac...they already have that information on file! Two hours....I was in my element there till they told me I would have to work Continental Shifts...I have been incontinent every since....come on... who in their right mind in Merthyr works more than 16 hours a week ....everyone knows that affect your benefits! said Sponger. 1965 ...wasnt a good year for you either was it...you started in OP chocolates didnt you! said Eichmann. Well I thought Id give it a whirl! said Sponger. You got sacked from there on the first day for kakking in the chocolate vats ...isnt that right! declared Eichmann. I wish had been in charge up there ! sighed Eichmann Id have put you in the ovens! I bet you would ! said Mac. That wasnt my fault....I wasnt used to having a toilet indoors in those days...it was like a new piece of machinery to me...I was used to the one up the top end of the garden which didnt block easy....they wouldnt have found out either if that Racing Post I used to wipe the clinkers off hadnt clogged the machine up! replied Sponger. So whats your excuse in 1965....when you left Trelewis Drift Mine......scared of the dark? said Eichmann. According to his medical records he was traumatised as a kid when his pet canary died said Dr Jones deciphering reading the handwriting of Dr Mumbles. You drop out of the employment records for the next 19 years until the 1984 Miners Strike when you apply to become a Scab.....the records show that you turned up for work at Merthyr Vale colliery every day for a week but went home because you wouldnt cross a picket line! Every Doctor will tell you it will never get better if you picket! replied Mac the equivalent of an unwanted extra in a Bet Fair Ad. In 1990 you went to work in Abercanaid...Blue Bird Toys makingA la Carte kitchens...it lasted one day! said Eichmann And why ? he asked Sponger. I got food poisoning! said Sponger defensively. Dr Jones...have you ever heard of anyone catching food poisoning from plastic food? asked Eichmann. He is allergic to all the additives the Government put in our food to kill off the Proleteriat! said Mac. So in 2000 you were ordered to work in the meat factory up at Pengarnddu...! You lasted one whole day before getting the chop....can you tell us why! said Eichmann. It was brilliant ...he told the Portuguese workforce that each of the animals had names....Daisy....Buttercup...Croesfeld Jacobs.....and that they were like pets to him....! interrupted Mac....no-one would slaughter anything for a week!Sponger sat silently smirking reliving the moment of genius. I was a vegetarian for almost a month after that one...till I got fed up of KFC! said Sponger... And what about the short spell at the Opencast site? asked Eichmann. Why did you leave there? Allergic to dust.....its in my medical records....in there Doc! said Sponger. I see Dr Mumbles ran a lot of tests on you....it appears Simbec Research have shares in you according to this! said Dr Jones. He quit because thats what the Doctor ordered! said Mac. So to the key question today are you actively looking for work ? asked Eichmann. Ive applied for lots of jobs...but I agree I need to upload my CV to Jobsite! said Sponger. Are yes.....snow shoveller in Jamaica in 2006...ice cream salesman in the North Pole ...2007...you even had a job offer for John Lewis for Santa Claus in the Toy Department.....but you turned up on Boxing Day....in fairness there was a glowing reference from Transfynydd Nucleur Power station about your to renew your energy and that you are a good worker but are easily lead.....but in all honesty your 64 now and you dont really want to work do you? said Eichmann. Dont answer that....its a leading question designed to trip you up! said Mac You even said NO to a job offer from the Man from Del Monte! said Eichmann defiantly. Come on...we all know that this Country was founded on the principle that the primary role of the Government is to protect property from the masses! preached Mac manically. And the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution of this Country is that we have a right to be unemployed if we want to! said Sponger That is the basis of the Welfare State! supported Mac. The Welfare State....is what it says ...well fair! said Sponger. Well youre right about the state part ....its because its right in state that we have to weed out people like you and get your kind back to work!...I cant cut back on staff...I dont have anyone left over the age of 25....why we ever stopped transportation is beyond me! muttered Eichmann. See .....said Mac ...I told you hed show his true colours....its the classes against the masses again! If you sign him off ....it will be the end of the black market economy...pubs like The Thalidomide Arms and Spoons will close....tobacco firms and breweries ...and the three bookies on Victoria Street ...will I bet go to the wall warned Mac. See I told you! said Eichmann.... You cant win against these people!....there is only one solution....albeit somewhat final! I have an idea! whispered Dr Jones to his Government Colleague. Im awfully sorry to have troubled you Mr Sponger especially after what I have just read about you in your medical file....said Dr Jones....after all you dont have long...!Spongers ears pricked up. What did you say Doc? Are you still smoking those cigars....? asked Dr Jones. Ten a day...! said Sponger proudly Still drink ten pints of Guinness? Yeah....! he boasted wearing it like a badge of honour. Good....youll need something to cushion the blow and to get over the shock! said Dr Jones. Youve tested positive for AIDS...HIV...Chlamydia...and the Lassa Virus...! said the Dr from WHO . Jesus! ....said Mac moving away from his former brother-in arms. I think we need HIM to cure you! said Dr Jones. That is a sign of a sick mind! said Eichmann....looking down at the notes trying to decision the hieroglyphics. How exactly do you catch Porksword? asked Sponger nervously. Bestiality usually ....or eating too many bacon sandwiches! said Dr Jones watching his victim squirm. Dont get all Shipman on me Doctor!....level with me how long have I got! pleaded Sponger. Sorry its time to go....are you in BUPA?...if not make an appointment in a monthss time at the Health Centre...if you are still around! said Dr Jones. You free to go now....enjoy the rest of your life gentlemen! he continued.As the two left, worried sick about the imminent arrival of the non- government sponsored Grim Reaper, Dr Jones smiled at Eichmann. Thatll teach them to take the piss out my hair ! What exactly is Sponger suffering from anyway? asked Eichmann Hes been swinging the lead....nothing medical ....unless you include hypochondria and an allergy to hard work! .
updated by @philip-evans: 11/11/15 10:39:11PM