On The Job
By Ceri Shaw, 2023-03-11
“Good afternoon and thank you for finally attending this Job Start Interview!” Said the Civil Servant.
“You’re welcome Mr Isious!” replied the attendee politely-reading the name badge on the Official- with all the charm of a gentleman that had been to Gordonstoun and then Dartmouth Naval College.
“ Mr Andrew Albert Christian Edward Windsor I presume,…do you have any photographic identification on you to prove this fact?” asked the former DSS snooper.
“Sorry…one doesn’t carry a wallet around with me…money is vulgar…hang on …One has a photograph of oneself flying a helicopter in the Falklands War …would that suffice…is that what you are Sea King?” Asked the eighth in line to the throne of England, passing over a tattered old Kodak snapshot, now yellowing with age.
“Not really but it will have to do…don’t forget you won’t be allowed to vote at the next General Election without proper identification documents you know!” replied the know -it - all Government employee reading from the YouGov site.
“ So why is one here….is one in trouble?” asked the disgraced Royal.
“Not compared to recent events….you are here because officially you have not worked since 2002 when you left the Navy!” Replied the jobsworth.
“That’s 21 years to be precise and you are only aged 63 and therefore still of an age that you are eligible to work!” He continued.
The Duke of York gulped nervously but didn’t sweat it.
“So according to our Government records, you are receiving State benefit from the Sovereign Grant , formerly the Civil List, to the tune of £250,000.00 ….the question is are you actively looking for work?” the interviewer said looking over his bifocal glasses.
“Well ….stuttered the Prince….my Mother has only recently died …!”
“That was over six months ago in September 2022!” Continued the Questioner.
“And what about the previous two decades….were you just F***ing about?” asked the Civil Servant turning very uncivil.
“Look…one told that BBC Lady, Emily Mattress, in my other interview that one doesn’t drink coffee and therefore haven’t been anywhere near a Maxwell House!” denied the Duke.
“So what exactly have you been doing since your last recorded job in 1982?” Asked Mr Icious.
“Do you have a first name ?” Asked Andrew.
“Of course…it’s Malcolm!” Replied the Government Employee.
“May one call you Mal?….Mr Icious?” Queried the Duke.
“Most certainly NOT!” Replied the Job Centre Plus Interviewer.
“This is a formal interview to determine if you deserve to continue to receive handouts from the state!” He continued.
“So other than playing around with your chopper for two decades…what exactly have you been doing?”
“Well…one has been waving a lot …!” replied the Royal with absolute sincerity.
The interviewer furrowed his brow and stared at the Duke.
“Mainly from the deck of the Royal Yacht Britannia…!” he stuttered.
“ Do you know the song a life on the ocean ‘wave’ is better than going to sea?” Said the posh boy.
“Is that why you are called Handy Andy then?….I thought it was for a different reason!” said Malcolm turning the Royal colour Purple, apoplectic with rage.
“Well we both sponge money off the Taxpayer don’t we?” Said Andrew trying to find ‘common’ ground with the commoner.
“ You mean as a civil servant I am obliged to accept a below inflation pay award and work till I am 67 …five years longer than any Frenchman …whilst you live the life of Riley….it’s complete nonsense!”
“Some would say nonce-sense actually!” Replied the Sniggerer.
“And don’t mention Frogmore please….it’s still a sore point with my family!”
“So are you claiming too for any dependents?” Asked the Interviewer.
“Yes, for one’s daughters Beatrice & Eugenie !” The Royal outcast said.
“ And how old they…are they still in school or full time education?” Malcolm pressed harder.
“Let me see Beatrice is 34 and Eugenie 32 and of course Sarah my other dependent is 63!” Andrew continued.
“Don’t any of them have their own jobs?” Asked Malcolm absolutely flabbergasted.
After three long minutes of laughing from Andrew he replied “Are you serious?”
Looking around the whitewashed walls of the Windsor Job Centre, he uttered.
“Come on…who set this up ….Michael McIntyre or Ant n Dec?”
“Can’t be Jeremy Beadle….he is no longer about after all!”
“This isn’t a laughing matter, Mr Windsor…I am here to make sure that you find work or we stop your State ‘benefit’ like everyone else in this Country!” said the official in a more Mal Icious tone.
“So what skills do you have?” Asked Malcolm.
Andrew racked his brain and repeated “Waving?”
“There are several job opportunities available working in the Pizza Express Woking Branch….do you know it?” asked the Interviewer.
“No!” Replied the Duke immediately.
“Never been there in my life….oops…on second thoughts one went there with one’s daughter on the night that one DIDN’T go to Tramp nightclub…!”
“What perks do you get ?”
“Well it is a bit like the Hooters restaurants they have in Canada and the US with young girls serving in skimpy outfits only with different ‘toppings!” said Malcolm luring the new Prince of Darkness in to bite.
The Duke was now leaning forward at the desk.
Malcolm lifted the telephone up and spoke into it.
“Susan…would you be good enough to bring me in the Pizza Express bakery job application forms for the Woking branch….you will find them under the
P- Dough File!”
Andrew looked suspiciously at the Official he had heard that word chanted a lot when he was in Buckingham Palace ever since he had innocently paid Three Million Pounds to a charity suggested by a girl he had never met.
“You are aware that the allegations about One and Miss Go Free were never proved in a Court of Law do you? said the Duke rather testily.
“Not my concern really!” Said Malcolm.
“Do you know why One did that free interview with Emily Mattress?” Countered Andrew.
“Former BBC reporter Martin Bashir rang up the Palace claiming he had further evidence….bloody phoney wank statements….how dull does he think one is? …Princess Diana or something?” raged Andrew.
“Oh ‘hang on’….there is also an International Job going as a prison officer at the New York Correctional Centre….sounds like money for old rope…!”said Malcolm looking at his computer screen.
“ Are you still allowed to visit the United States ….?” challenged Malcolm.
“Come to think of it….One does have a lot of Air Miles left on One’s frequent flyer account to Palm Beach , Florida….but on second thoughts best not to go there again…you know with all those selfies of people One has never actually met….!”mused Andrew.
“Sauna Tester in IKEA in Kyrgyzstan?” proffered Malcolm.
“You could do that no sweat!”
The evil eye from the Royal followed.
“Why does one have to get a job anyway …surely with all those people coming over in those small boats ….they need a job more than One does…after all…One’s ancestors created the British Empire especially for people who DO have the ability to break sweat….!” Replied the Royal in a posh voice.
“Oh they are fast tracked to Rwanda these days…so the Post-Brexit fruit is still rotting in the fields without anyone to pick it!” said Malcolm.
“Do you fancy a try?….after all you have a plum in your mouth most of the time anyway!” He continued.
Andrew leaned in and whispered
“One thinks we both know that neither One nor One’s family are ever going to do REAL work as we are too important to the British economy given the amount we bring in from tourism?” Replied Not so Handy.
“How much is that a year?”asked Mal.
“19 Million Pinds!” said the Royal gurning with the pronunciation.
“And the cost to the tax payer for the Sovereign Grant ?” questioned the Interviewer.
“Don’t know or care!” Said Andrew churlishly.
“It’s amazing what you can find on the internet especially with a Freedom of Information form these days…..try £369 Million give or take a few clocks…!” Replied the clear Republican.
“ So what is your point exactly?” Asked the peeved Royal feeling more exposed than Prince Harry at a Las Vegas pool party.
“Everyone in Britain must now pay their way or get deported to Rwanda!” said Mal
“That’s the most ridiculous thing one has ever heard!” said Andy channelling the late Kenny Everett.
“What about Stanley Johnson up for a knighthood?” asked Mal the inquisitor.
“Point taken!” sniggered Andy.
Stories“Good afternoon and thank you for finally attending this Job Start Interview!” Said the Civil Servant. “You’re welcome Mr Isious!” replied the attendee politely-reading the name badge on the Official- with all the charm of a gentleman that had been to Gordonstoun and then Dartmouth Naval College. “ Mr Andrew Albert Christian Edward Windsor I presume,…do you have any photographic identification on you to prove this fact?” asked the former DSS snooper. “Sorry…one doesn’t carry a wallet around with me…money is vulgar…hang on …One has a photograph of oneself flying a helicopter in the...
Read MoreMerlyn Hawke was a predator. A sick one at that. He was the ultimate Zooadist- he hated all animals -except that is his two hunting dogs, a lurcher called Addams and a Jack Russell Terrier, named Nipper, because that’s what he did to his Ex-Wife. Merlyn had a small kennel on some land he had pinched from the Commoners Association on the Penygarnddu Common near Dowlais Top. He had always been an outdoorsman, with his wrinkled and weathered face making him look much older than his actual 65 years of age. Merlyn had always enjoyed causing pain to animals, his earliest...
Read MoreElliott Thomas was a loner. He had for the entire sixty years of his life lived with his late elderly Mother, Norma, at their remote log cabin home in the woods near Pontsticill in South Wales. He had few human friends with his ten year old cat ‘Jonesy’, (named after the cat in the horror sci-fi film ‘Alien’ ) being his only regular companion. Elliott loved that cat and Jonesy loved him back. Most evenings Elliott would put his feline friend on a lead and walk him in the Taf Fechan woodland for the cat to do his business. Clearly it is not just bears that shit...
Read More“Did you forget something from last time?” Asked Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. Disgraced Former-British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, held out the hand he had previously offered to COVID patients in 2020 expecting the President to grasp it. He declined. “What do you want Boris?…..did you come to Ukraine to claim ‘Non-Dom’ status like some of your former Cabinet colleagues?” continued the President in impeccable English. “Don’t mention that weasel Cummings to me!” replied Boris, still stung by the previous back stabbing from his former aide. “Are you in...
Read More3 Comments“Oh Harry.. you are so gullible!” Protested his Wife, Meghan lying alongside him in the purple Heather of the Balmoral Estate. “ I’m not meant to be a gull ….I am meant to be a chicken!” His Former Highness snapped back. The two were dressed in blue and white bird outfits that Meghan had borrowed from a Hollywood backdrop of the Gene Wilder film ‘Stir Crazy’. “Let me have a look at that invitation again!” she demanded. He handed her the expensive card with its emboldened heading. “ It’s not the RSPB ….it’s RSVP which means respondez s’il vous plait - you idiot-!”...
Read MoreThe young apprentices at Hoovers in Merthyr Tydfil looked on in awe. They had heard the phrase, ‘necessity was the Mother of all invention’ and this was in fact the ultimate Mother. Sat in the now empty Pentrebach Factory, that had once employed thousands of local people, was a brand new car- the like of which the World had never seen before. If the Sinclair C5 Electric trike produced in the 1980’s was to be the saviour of Hoovers- then this new invention was bound to clean up. It was the brainchild of local man Ian Venter, who had used the discarded scrap parts of old...
Read More“What time is he coming?” questioned retired nurse, Hannah Philatic. “For the third time this Morning… 11.00 am!” replied her Partner-in-Crime, Joe Boxer. “ I am the one that suffered multiple blows to my head not you!” he said hands shaking violently. “Sorry, but it’s this Long-Covid…it’s a bugger with your memory!” said Hannah. “ And I am nervous too!” she continued. Hannah checked the letter headed by a green Westminster Portcullis. “I never thought that I would get to meet the Health Secretary, Mr Handjob, in person!” she squealed excitedly. “It’s not Hand-job...
Read MoreStatue of Eddie Thomas, Merthyr Tydfil cc-by-sa/2.0 - © Ian S - geograph.org.uk/p/4001542 “ When shall we three meet again?” asked Daniel Druff dramatically. The remaining two members of his drama group at Merthyr Tydfil Technical College stared back from their online Zoom meeting and shrugged their shoulders. “I think it best if the ‘Read Brigade’ meet in person to discuss our proposal, in order that no third party can infiltrate our Group or stop our plan…agreed?” continued Daniel. His fellow Brigade members of Grant Aide and Douglas Deep...
Read MoreRichard Hopkins , CC BY 2.0 , via Wikimedia Commons There is a strange order of hatred on the motorways, highways and by-ways of England & Wales these days. HGV Lorry drivers hate white van drivers, white van drivers hate slow moving buses, buses hate tail- gating BMW and Audi drivers, BMW and Audi Drivers hate Citroen Picasso Mobility car drivers that hog the middle lane. But they only have one thing in common that unites them all. All road users hate cyclists. And today on a Sunny Autumn day of 2020, in the sleepy former Mining Town of Merthyr Tydfil there was to be...
Read MoreThe camera pans to the grey-haired Welshman sat behind his desk. “Good Evening and welcome to this special BBC edition of Celebrity ‘Evil’ Mastermind!” said presenter John Humphreys. “On tonight’s edition – my last ever for reasons that will become apparent later – we have a special show lined-up for you and in order to show balance we have three Right Wing narcissists and one Commie here to answer a series of questions in the allotted time of two minutes!” “Let’s meet them!” continued the former newsreader. “From the USA- President Donald Trump!” The POTUS turns and...
Read MoreDai Commando looked just like any normal person. Average height, average weight even average shoe size. But underneath he was no ordinary G.I. Joe. You would never hear it from Dai’s own lips, but the regulars in his local public house in Dowlais- the T.A.’s (The Tredegar Arms) would tell you- whilst he may have served in the Royal Marines – ‘He was Made in Merthyr’. Mainly because he was conceived on top of a wheelie bin behind Wetherspoon’s in Post Office Lane. Dai Commando turned his I-pad on ready for his 11.00am Zoom Meeting. It was top secret and confidential...
Read More... Robert Godber was the last Punk left in the South Wales Valleys. It was nearly 43 years since the Sex Pistols had shocked the Rock N Roll Community with their slogans of Never Mind the Bollocks and God save the Queen. How times had changed. So had the slogans too. Never Mind the Botox and God shave the Queen was more relevant to 2020. However, strangely enough he was still Public Enemy No 1 in the little valley Town of Merthyr Tydfil, as despite the health warnings of Covid-19, the dirty bastard still insisted on spitting on the pavement everywhere he went....
Read MoreAnimal Rights activist A.L.F. Egan lay completely still in the long grass, high above the Welsh Valley of Cwm Twp. He motioned to his 15- year old accomplice, ‘Popeye’ Doyle, to lie still until the factory searchlight had passed overhead. Once it had done so, the pair all dressed in black and camouflage gear used the wire cutters to snip the perimeter fence. In the distance was a grey metallic building called Abbot’s Trois, owned according to Companies House by a French Company based in the Tax Haven of Jersey, called Vaches Mort R-US. A.L.F. & Popeye didn’t call it...
Read MoreThe queue from the main tent was six deep and stretched for nearly two miles back to the little Powys town of Hay-on-Wye. The reason was the release of Howard Marks new book at the Hay Book festival.The former Oxford Graduate and Welsh mastermind of a European Cannabis Ring sat ‘smug’ly. Who said crime doesn’t pay. The best selling author had released his latest in a series of books with a view to helping his former fellow prisoners bide away their time in jail. Like the author himself, the release date had kept going forward, as the US backed Drugs Enforcement Agency had objected...
Read More“ What do you think of the wheels then?” asked Astra the professional car thief from the Gurnos. “ Nice…!” nodded his hoodie friend Elvi$, as he climbed into the front seat of the mini-ambulance. The vehicle sped away at breakneck speed on the Gurnos Ring Road heading towards Galon Uchaf. “ Where did you get it?” asked Elvi$. “ He stole it from outside the Gurnos Home for the elderly!” said a voice from the back of the vehicle. Astra broke suddenly and a lady with whiter hair than Philip Schofield shot forward in her wheelchair to join the pair in the front. “ Who the...
Read MoreHis luck had finally run out. Reynaldo the Red Fox was suspended, hanging on a barbed wire fence by his stomach. The more he twisted, the more the barbs sunk their teeth into his pink soft underbelly. He was trapped and he knew it. He was literally kicking himself that he should get caught this way- in such a simple fashion – as he a very intelligent creature. He had misjudged the take-off, slipping on some sheep-shit. Reynaldo had for over a decade, survived the harsh Winter temperatures, and rainy Summers that Gwynedd in North Wales had to offer its native fauna....
Read MoreLittle Daniel Boyd was lost. The seven year old thought he was clever, when he ignored his teacher’s command to hold the hand of his classmate on a trip to Dan-yr Ogof caves in the Glyn-Neath Valley. True, it was an act of revenge by his teacher, Mr Don Oxbridge for his recent behaviour in class at Gwaun Dowlais Primary School in Merthyr Tydfil. Dan had sulked because he didn’t want to be paired with gypsy, Gustavo Worrell from the local travelling community that lived close to the Slip Road in the former mining Town, as he more ‘bugs’ than a spy from GCHQ in Cheltenham....
Read More“ Alright Mun!” said the young lawyer. “ Keep your hair on will you!” It was somewhat ironic really, as Welsh Barrister Leo Felix was only 23 but his fair hair was already receding more than a Norfolk beach at High tide. “What are you doing in there… you nonce?” shouted an angry commuter, as he repeated banged on the lower half of the train WC cubicle door. He thought about warning the angry man that what he had just said in front of his fellow passengers was actionable as a slander, but sight unseen he suspected that the individual wouldn’t have cared less nor had the...
Read MoreBy Screenshot from "Internet Archive" of the movie The Curse of Frankenstein (1957) - https://archive.org/details/RevengeOfFrankenstein-Trailer , Public Domain, Link “Igor…. I’ve cracked it!” said the Professor. His hunched- back laboratory assistant looked up at his Master and let his tongue loll out of the corner of his mouth. He stared back with the same look of loyalty on his lop-sided face, that a Pit Bull Terrier would give to its owner whilst sitting on a Vet’s Death Row. “I’ve dedicated my entire working life of 60 years as a research scientist at this...
Read More“Is there is any p-p-person here with a j-j-ust impediment then let him s-speak now or forever hold his p-p-peace” said the stuttering Priest. The Roman Catholic Holy Man, Ollie Water, didn’t normally have a stutter, but when he had been given the task of marrying the daughter of one of the Heads of the Five Taffia Families to one of the those with links to the Provisional IRA- it was understandable. The Priest looked around him at the congregation of St Illtyd’s Roman Catholic Church in Dowlais, Merthyr Tydfil and noticed on the right side of the church the number of men...
Read MoreCouncillor Phil Bent was in a jam. He was in a right hole. He had been given a wedgie on many occasions as Chairman of the Planning Sub-Committee but this was a first. Buried up to his waist in an old Air-Shaft in Mountain Hare meant he couldn't move a muscle. Below him a 30 foot drop and above him only sky. His search for the 500 metre buffet zone at East Merthyr Land Reclamation scheme had proved fruitless. He checked the Council Minutes.yes there supposed to be a buffet zone. There was no such thing as a free lunch he moaned as he hung suspended in the air by his three spare...
Read More‘The North wind did blow and Merthyr had snow and what did poor Farrah do next?” sang Dean ‘Belle’ End as he sat on the vandal proof metal bench alongside the Merthyr Railway Station. The sound caused Farrah to turn around sharply, exposing his nether regions to the bleak March air. His coat, made entirely of Bar towels ,acquired from the many pubs he had visited on his personal tour of the Rugby Six Nation Countries and beyond, offered little protection from the elements. His roman sandals acquired from a trip to Rome in 2009 , were further evidence of his total disregard for...
Read More“ Hot Dog Sir?” asked the pimply faced burger vendor. Council official Job Swurth didn’t look happy...but then again he never did. “ What the Hell are you doing?” he moaned at the bemused van owner, Rann Cydd. “ Selling burgers from a lay-by...everyone does it in Wales!” he laughed merrily. “ But this is the Galon Uchaf acceleration lane to get on the A465 (T) Heads of the Valleys Road!” barked Job shaking his head. “ That’s what’s clever about my pitch....everyone has to stop!” said Rann. “ It’s all about location...location...location!” he said boastfully. “...
Read MoreThe cars engine spluttered and coughed for the last time as he parked his ‘Popemobile’ outside the house of one of his parishioners in Crabapple Close Gurnos Merthyr Tydfil. He hoped that the first time this call was genuine. He really wanted to do battle with the Devil face to face . He looked up at the bedroom window and could see a luminous eerie glow inside. His bumper sticker ‘Honk if you love the Lord’ was the only sign that he was a Man of God ….that and the small silver image of a fish attached to the back. Silverfishes were common in that part of the world. This was the only...
Read MoreThe father and son made their way through the underground car park of the Civic Centre in Merthyr Tydfil. They were in luck. They didn’t have to walk through the crowds of people that were stood in the forecourt outside the main entrance. Pressing the lift call button repeatedly, little Thomas was happy. At the age of seven , everything was a game….no money worries…it was like being on his own Civil List . His father , Richard tried to fake a smile, he knew he was at the Civic Centre for more serious business. He was there to see the Council Social Services...
Read More.. “ The weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful...let it snow, let it snow let it snow!...Nos Da!” declared camp weatherman, Derek Brockway live to the nation from the BBC studios in Cardiff. “ Since when have you been interested in the weather Charlie?” asked Tommy ‘Hilfiger’ Silverback to the leader member of the Lavender Road Mob. “ Duh!....since I learned that the boss man Mr Bigg gets coded messages over the BBC about his delivery times for his drug shipments!” laughed Charlie Kong. “ Mr Bigg...who’s dat den?” asked Alan ‘Tit-che’ Guevara. “ He...
Read More"The North wind did blow and Merthyr had snow and what did poor Farrah do next?” sang Dean ‘Belle’ End as he sat on the vandal proof metal bench alongside the Merthyr Railway Station. The sound caused Farrah to turn around sharply, exposing his nether regions to the bleak March air. His coat, made entirely of Bar towels ,acquired from the many pubs he had visited on his personal tour of the Rugby Six Nation Countries and beyond, offered little protection from the elements. His roman sandals acquired from a trip to Rome in 2009 , were further evidence of his total disregard for Valleys...
Read More“Good night and good luck!” said the Curator Derek Dunny as he locked the huge wooden front door of the Cyfarthfa Castle Museum. The only Grade 1 Listed Structure in the whole of the Merthyr Tydfil Borough was imposing looking at the best of times, but on a dark wet Winter’s evening it was downright scary. Safer Merthyr employee Dicky Knight looked around nervously. It was his first night as a security guard and he didn’t feel very safe. “Everything looks so much more scary in the dark!” he said to his shadow, who was his only companion for the night. Merthyr Council too had...
Read MoreThe sound of a helicopter buzzed overhead as the terrified Welshman cowered in his impromptu sand dune bunker.The soldier dressed in green khaki combat gear stood out like a pork pie in a Jewish buffet against the yellow sanded backdrop of Helmond region in Afghanistan. The war on terror wasn't working as far as Harry R. S. Crack was concerned. The sound of explosions all around him sent him deeper down the steep sides of the bunker as he began to suck his thumb for comfort. He suddenly realised that he was not alone, as a ginger haired soldier dressed in a German Africa Korps...
Read MoreRead more 'Boz' tales here “ What’s their pool team like then boyz?” questioned Fast Eddie Felson dressed in his white hat and black and white brogues as he sat in the back of the minibus. “ Not bad- they have a few Welsh players but nothing we can’t handle on and off the table!” said Bobby Mogzy cricking his knuckles. The boys in the team minibus, had set out from the Iron Horse Public house in Galon Uchaf Road ,Merthyr Tydfil at 6.00pm to arrive for 8.00pm. They knew if they arrived late, they would be docked a frame every twenty minutes. It was a...
Read MoreRead more 'Boz' tales here Her long hair flowed all down her back, as should stood next to a fruit machine in Victoria Street, Merthyr Tydfil. Her doctor had advised her to change her diet and change her habits if she wanted to live past 40. As the reels on the machine, whirred electronically and stopped with a red cherry icon, two bananas and an orange. She had lost her money again, even if she had nearly had her medically recommended five fruits a day. It was Wednesday and teenager Amber Punt was skint. She had had her state ‘benefit’ and wasted...
Read MoreHe was nervous at the best of times but tonight he was positively bricking it. The lights went down on a hushed audience at the Aberdare Coliseum and the adrenaline rush of the young fledgling comedian intensified. He waited for the nod from the stage manager before he went out into the Cynon Valley Snake Pit. He wasn’t being paid he was just volunteering…a YTS trainee comedian …as there were precious few jobs in the Valleys he thought he would give it a go…and his tour of the South Wales clubs was starting to take off. After all if Rhod Gilbert could make it on television...
Read More“It is the year of our Lord 1644 and we are gathered at this Hamlet of Gyrnos, to witness a trial to determine the guilt or innocence of Margaret, the straw roofer’s daughter, who is accused of being in league with the Devil!” declared the Puritan dramatically. The man was dressed all in black from his stovepipe hat down to his cape and trousers, with only a square white frilled ‘ruff’ , adorning the area around his collarbone. He held a silver-tipped cane in one hand and use it somewhat belligerently to command respect from the assembled crowd. “ This wretch is accused of...
Read MoreDipping Your Wick by Phil 'Boz' Evans The student rugby player looked around nervously. He was regretting his bet with his mates already. Manfred Quinn had never told anyone but he was frightened of the dark. It was one of the more common phobias that humans suffered from and dated back to the dawn of mankind and the dulling of man’s principal defence of the sense of sight making them more susceptible to attack from a predator. Standing on a plinth in Madame Tussaud’s wax museum in Baker Street, London, he felt like a fish out of water, but knew that his beloved...
Read More1 CommentsThe man lay silently in the savannah grass of the Ngorongord valley in Tanzania. He didn't dare breathe or move for startling the Thompson's gazelle that he had tethered to a small Acacia tree. From his clothing, you would never have guessed that he was Welsh- only his WRU rubber wrist band on his right 'trigger' hand gave it away. The Blackwood Dentist, Major Orion Jekyll- Hyde-Hunt, was the veteran predator of the Serengeti, as he approached his 75th Birthday intent on giving himself an early birthday present. He wasn't using the little antelope for target practice- he was after much...
Read MoreNewly expectant Father Declan Anthony Pod paced nervously in the corridor of the Maternity Wing of Llanelli Hospital. The Year was 1972 and like every Rugby Union Fan in Wales, he secretly wanted a son to follow in his on-field footsteps and play rugby first for the Scarlets and then for Wales. The timing of his Wife’s labour couldn’t be any worse, as on this very day, Llanelli were playing host to the International Touring Team New Zealand. The Grand Stand ticket in his shirt pocket was burning a hole in his heart, as he was caught in the horns of a dilemma. Did he sneak off to the big...
Read More... PART III Scene 17 Rome sweet Rome. Try as he might Des Res couldn't keep up with the Porsche and gets lost in the Italian Countryside in doing so. Titch: ' How can you get lost when all roads lead to Rome?' Perrier: 'Why don’t you ask for directions in that Spartacus Pizza Hut?' They eventually arrive in the Roman capital with Mario announcing in Welsh and Italian to his Mother his arrival in her homeland. Mario: ' Mama Mia...Mam I' m here!' The streets are lined with beautiful dark haired girls with skimpy bra-less...
Read More... PART II Scene 9 The inside of the small seedy club has a small stage and a small bar. The room is dark, smokey and is full of dry ice vapour- as a prelude to the arrival of an artiste. The music starts up- it is a striptease song. The five tourists receive a round of five Stella's and a bill for 20 Francs which is passed around the table by the tighter members of the group- Titch- Pat until it ends up in front of Des Res who always gets stuck with the bill. Ruth Jones is once again dressed as the stripper only this time is younger...
Read More... PART I Scene One It is 5.30 pm ...it is already dark...it is a cold late February night in Glebeland Street, Merthyr Tydfil. The French baguette shop owner is closing up his cafe for the night. Perrier is dressed in a fake blue French beret , striped tee-shirt and red neckerchief with black trousers- he takes in his metal advertising sign Cafe De Glebeland written in Welsh, English, Polish and French. He greets his work neighbour Perrier: ’Bon Soir Des Res, everything organised for our Tour De France yet?'. He...
Read More... A message from author Philip Evans - "Here is the start of a four part play which whilst rejected by BBC Wales may amuse the readers of Americymru" The Italian Lob The basic premise is a one off special television hour and a half mini- film - as a homage to the legendary BBC programme ' Grand Slam'.It is a story to reflect the changing face of the Welsh Valleys and how cosmopolitan they have become and also how the sport of Rugby Union - the National Sport of Wales - just ahead of beer drinking- has changed since the 1970s some 45 years...
AmeriCymru: Hi Phil and many thanks for agreeing to this interview. We last spoke to you a few years ago, before the pandemic. Care to fill us in on recent events, both in Merthyr and in the life of AmeriCymru's favorite comedy writer?
Phil: ‘Americymru’s favourite comedy writer’ - wow what a prestigious title- much more valuable to me than my ‘Jim fixed it for me badge’ ( see The End of the World is Nye- Volume 25 entitled Taffy Apples ) or any Knighthood or MBE.- Accepted as long I don’t become an OBE (Old Big Ead).
AmeriCymru: In our previous interview you indicated that the Ex-Files , Harry's Game and Stuck Up were amongst the stories that you are most proud of. Are there any amongst your more recent works that you would like to draw attention to?
Phil: Clap for the NHS is semi-autobiographical after my recent spine troubles and has a special place in my heart- (next to the pigs bladder replacement valve). Nurses in my opinion deserve the moniker ’Angels’ as this is what they really are. My new favourites are The Codfather ( Volume 45) and Dipping your Wick ( Volume 44) which once you read reply 9 to this interview will give a sense of where I suspect I will end up in the Afterlife.
AmeriCymru: Care to talk about the industrial background to your story Trail Blazing in which local entrepreneur 'Ian Venter' uses the "discarded scrap parts of old washing machines, tumble driers and vacuum cleaners to create the ultimate ‘Hoovercar’."?
Phil: Imagine thinking you could put a robot on Mars ( Pre-NASA)…the same happened in a bet between local Ironmaster Crawshay and Richard Trevithick (Pre-Industrial Revolution) or was it just a case of letting off steam?
AmeriCymru: In Clap For the NHS we find nurse Mel Gabriel disguising herself to visit a food bank because she is ashamed that she cannot get by on her nurses salary. Obviously the story is a humorous one but what can you tell us about the current condition of the NHS in Wales?
Phil: A serious answer for a change- Like Charles Dickens before him, this Welsh successor, ‘Boz’ is a social commentator and the background to this tale is a sad reflection on the current state of the NHS in the former ‘United Kingdom’- people who really care about others have been demoralised and disillusioned by over ten years of pay freezes, austerity measures and deliberate underfunding of the National Health Service by successive Conservative Governments- working people having to visit a food bank just to survive is scandalous and whilst it is a return to ‘Victorian Values’ so loved by the new Iron-masters…it shouldn’t happen to a so-called First World Country-it feels like the last days of Rome for the Capitalist greed loving ‘Great Britons’ who have their assets in offshore tax havens instead of helping those in Society that need it most. So disappointing to see Nurses going from being applauded as ‘key workers’ in the Pandemic to ‘greedy strikers’ for wanting a living wage for their efforts and not just a drudge existence.Sadly, the Conservative Government wants to destroy the NHS as it was a flagship Labour Party Creation giving ordinary people a safeguard from ‘cradle to the grave’- once again forgetting the lessons the Pandemic taught us in that we are all interdependent on one another. the answer is off course to prevent strike disruption by linking public sector pay to MP’s increases!
AmeriCymru: Are you still writing comedy football match reports? Any chance we'll ever get to read some of these?
Phil: Yes- they can be found on the Merthyr Town Fans Forum bi-weekly and cheer players and fellow fans of both teams up whatever the result.
AmeriCymru: Any further developments with your TV script - The Italian Lob ?
Phil: Sadly, the Italian Lob is not politically correct and potentially could be seen by some of the ‘Mary Whitehouse’ brigade as being offensive- for humour to be funny it must be on the edge- otherwise you will only get bland, grey programmes on TV and if we are not careful as a species we soon lose the ability to laugh- not something Victorian Charles Darwin ever considered.
AmeriCymru: Any predictions for the rest of 2023?
Phil: No-only predictive text on my mobile ( cell phone in US) which saves me a fortune on my swear box.
AmeriCymru: Where can readers go to read/buy your stories?
Phil: Exclusively on Americymru - there is no other place like it for people to visit in the cyber world- it is one of a kind and deserves more praise from both sides of the Pond.
AmeriCymru: Now that you have reached 50 collections of short stories what are your plans for the future? More shorts? A novel?
Phil: I used to write purely for my own pleasure and started to show them to friends- my young son encouraged me to get them out there in the wider world and the link with Americymru was born-I only produce five or so printed copies and have got some minor celebrities to sign them including Welsh comedy writer Boyd Clack, Footballers Ray Wilkins & Stan Collimore, Welsh Rugby prop Adam Jones, and of course NUM President Arthur Scargill ( Volume One- Are they taking the Pits ?) I just hope my comedy demon doesn’t leave me as I will need my imaginary friend to guide me across the Rivers Taff and Lethe to Hades where I belong (I am sure if you read Cheesed Off in Volume 39 ( Mushroom Town ) you will agree).
AmeriCymru: Any final message for the readers and members of AmeriCymru?
Phil: I hope the fans of Americymru enjoy reading the humour as much as I do writing it.- To me the sound of laughter is worth more than gold-in the words of that 21st Century philosopher ‘Ronan Keating ‘ of Westlife fame-life is a rollercoaster-you just have to ride it- just make sure if you go round the bend (like I am ) you keep hold of your hotdog and sanity in an otherwise insane World and don’t forget to tell your friends about Americymru so they too can enjoy it.
Boz Books For Bucks
Buy Boz Here! Five stories for $3!
Each bundle contains five stories from the Annals of Boz. Click on the links below for further details and to purchase. Don't forget to check out the 'Bozbundles' tab for special offers.( You will need to be logged in to AmeriCymru to buy.)
Spice World (the non-movie) - Vol 49 The Annals Of Boz
Volume 49 (1).pdf
Nutty Slag Tips - Vol 31 The Annals of Boz
Volume 31 Nutty slag tips.pdf
Ghost Town: The Hooverville Damned - Vol 26 The Annals of Boz
Volume 26 completed.pdf
Blinkered Valley Mentality - Vol 24 The Annals of Boz
Volume 24 completed.pdf
Hymns And Arrears - Vol 23 The Annals of Boz
Volume 23 Hymns and arrears.pdf
Sheeps-potting - Vol 9 The Annals of Boz
Volume 9 Second Edition.pdf
The Way of The Samurai - Vol 7 The Annals of Boz
Volume 7 new edition.pdf
Scream Blue Merthyr - Vol 5 The Annals of Boz
Volume 5 new edition.pdf
How Green (House) My Valley - Vol 4 The Annals of Boz
volume 4 new edition.pdf
A Stairway To Cefn - Vol 3 The Annals of Boz
volume 3 new edition.pdf
What's The Martyr With Ewe? - Vol 2 of The Annals of Boz
Volume 2 new edition.pdf
Are They Taking The Pits? - Vol 1 The Annals of Boz
vol 1 second edition (1).pdf
Five for a Fiver! Save $10!
Now you too can own 'Bundles of Boz'! Each bundle contains five pdf collections of the Annals of Boz. 25 stories for a fiver!!! Click on the links below for further details and to purchase. ( You will need to be logged in to AmeriCymru to buy.)
The Early Years
item count: 5
Sex & Drugs & Lots of Coal
item count: 5
Nearly a Smoker
item count: 5
item count: 5
El Dole Rado
item count: 5
Land of Poetry & Thongs
item count: 5
Nutty Slag Tips
item count: 5
Bred of Cefn
item count: 5
Viagraville: The Alternative Merthyr Rising
item count: 5
The above group is for hardcore 'Boz' fans. Some of his 'spicier' material is contained therein. You will need to join AmeriCymru before applying to join this group. join here
Philip 'Boz' Evans is a Merthyr writer and humorist. -
"Inspiration is everywhere in the Valleys, Welsh people have a distinct black sense of humour- we can laugh at ourselves- something those across the bridge have extracted at birth."
Read Philip 'Boz' Evans TV script for 'The Italian Lob' here -