Philip evans


 

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So Near So Spar

user image 2021-03-10
By: Philip evans
Posted in: Humor

Filled_Syringe_icon.jpg “What time is he coming?” questioned retired nurse, Hannah Philatic.

“For the third time this Morning… 11.00 am!” replied her Partner-in-Crime, Joe Boxer.

“ I am the one that suffered multiple blows to my head not you!” he said hands shaking violently.

“Sorry, but it’s this Long-Covid…it’s a bugger with your memory!” said Hannah.

“ And I am nervous too!” she continued.

Hannah checked the letter headed by a green Westminster Portcullis.

“I never thought that I would get to meet the Health Secretary, Mr Handjob, in person!” she squealed excitedly.

“It’s not Hand-job -It’s HanCOCK !” scolded Joe “And don’t call him that for F***’s sake or he will definitely stop our funding!”

Following his retirement from the ring, due to the early onset of Parkinson’s disease, Joe and his business partner, Delroy Boyd from the house clearance business, they had turned into a pair of entrepreneurs.

Movers AND shakers if you like.

Their latest venture had been to turn the former Green Boxing Hall at Eighth Avenue into a vaccination centre for the local population on the Galon Uchaf Estate.

It was known locally as Jabber the Hut.

The Secretary of State for Health was so impressed with their reported performance levels in administering the vaccine shots that he wanted to see the place for himself.

Wales was ahead of England yet again and not just in terms of Six Nations Rugby and he wanted to understand why.

It was also an opportunity to turn yet another traditional Labour heartland into a Tory Blue voting area.

After all, Merthyr Tydfil had voted on a majority basis for Brexit – principally because they believed the Conservative lie that they would be able to stop immigration.

If there was one thing the residents of the Estate did not want, it was Foreigners coming over here and taking THEIR benefits.

Considering there were only a thousand residents within Motability scooter battery distance, they had done very well in their returns to the Department of Health.

Especially as there was only 500 people actually living on the Estate.

To ensure they were AL L inoculated within a week was extremely impressive and worthy of praise from Central Government.

After all, large swathes of the Country were misled into believing that the vaccine was made up from a combination of dead baby stem cells, Bill Gates Spunk, Arsenic and a tracking device.

Certain sections of the great unwashed didn’t believe that there was in fact an invisible germ that was killing them just because they were all obese.

Besides who wanted to live to the age of 35 anyway?

These people didn’t want any microchips, unless of course they were from McCain that is.

Nor did they want anyone checking on their every movement, whilst they were on Facebook or their Mobile Phone.

How else could they moonlight as a window cleaner, painter, hairdresser or nail beautician otherwise?

Their employee-Hannah was a large lady indeed.

Like most ex-nurses that had actually survived the pandemic, she was grossly overweight.

Her arse was so big that you could balance a cup of coffee on it without her knowing.

In contrast, Joe being an ex-pugilist was built like a split-pin.

His body was his temple and his claim to fame was that he had once had a part as body double for World Champion Merthyr boxer Johnny Owen – in the film ‘Snitches get Stitches’.

Both Joe and Delroy had been forced to live by their wits.

Dodging and weaving in the Business World just as they had in the ring.

It was strange how close the two former boxing rivals had become after retiring from taking low blows, and had both come up with joint ventures that had kept them one step ahead of the local rent collector.

After throwing in the towel, they had become designers of men’s underwear- and marketed a brand of men’s underpants that stretched automatically as they bent over.

It was named after a ‘left/right combination’ of famous people.

A Labour politician and a millionaire boxer.

It was goodbye to Builder’s cleavage when you owned a pair of ‘Wedgie Benn’s’.

Facebook had afforded them the business opportunity their parents and grandparents never had.

But the pair never rested on their laurels.

They were always looking to their next big venture and they realised that the time was right, just like everyone in the Government to cash in on the Tax-Payer during the pandemic.

They saw it as a way of getting some tax money back from Central Government -even if they hadn’t actually paid any themselves.

It was surprising what a bout of hysteria in the media could do to drum up business.

They had tried their hand at creating PPE out of old boxing head guards and gloves, but found that no-one in the local Queen Camilla hospital wanted to go into work looking like Muhammed Ali.

Not even Doctor Muhammed Ali.

The next best thing was to create their own supply of vaccine to the Third World – or Galon Uchaf- as it was known locally.

They had an insider in the hospital- a friend of Hannah, who was happy to smuggle a phial of the experimental Oxford Vaccine out and a Sixth- Former in the local Penydre School with a C at O Level in Chemistry to create their own knock-off version.

They could then undercut the competition by reducing manufacturing costs and jump the waiting list by purchasing directly from the pair under their Company name of Jabber the Hut Limited.

The advert on Facebook for their product boasted of a special ‘Happy Hour’ deal.

They had even added their own ingredients to help fight off the different variations of the germ that had developed in the former United Kingdom.

The Government recommended that a person be given a first shot of the vaccine which could provide up to 75% cover for six months and a further jab within twelve weeks to bring up immunity to 93%.

With the Jabber the Hut vaccine- which contained coffee and diet-coke and crystal meth- two shots was never enough.

Some people just coming back for more as they had become addicted.

Now in Galon Uchaf money had gone by the wayside.

They had reintroduced the barter system, as it didn’t affect their state benefits.

There was no Universal Credit level cut-off when it came to the number of chickens that you kept in the garden.

Outside the hut, queues were starting to form- all two metres apart that had been spray painted onto the pavement like a Premiership referee marking a wall from goal.

The fear of the Kent variant, meant that long queues just like that of the HGV lorry drivers near Dover were forming all the way down First Avenue.

A black limousine, now missing one of its wheel trims, arrived at the Hut and out stepped a weasel looking man surrounded by more bodyguards than Maria Carey.

He was ushered into the Hut to meet the owners but obviously to avoid shaking their hands.

‘Good Morning….said Hancock swiftly changing into a white lab coat for the photo opportunity before adopting the Tory Power stance which made him look a politician desperate to hold onto his deposit.

“Welcome Matt!” said Joe hands already shaking but not making contact.

Hannah curtsied and the sound of ripping of material could be heard in the street.

“I always wanted crotchless panties Mr Cock…!” she blurted out without thinking.

The glare from both Joe Boxer and Delroy Boyd was worse than the face-off at the Nigel Benn and Cwis Eubank fight.

Hancock then point up at the Price Tariff Board and enquired if it was a joke designed to raise spirits.

He read aloud:

‘One shot of Astra Zenaca for £3.00 or two for a Pfizer’.

He was surprised to also see a list of vegetables underneath and their vale on the Galon Uchaf equivalent of the FTSE index.

He then enquired as to where the vaccine was stored as it had to be below minus 80 and minus 60 degrees.

Joe opened the door and proudly displayed his storage area.

It was a former ice-cream van marked on the side as ‘Crony-Bell’.

“If you are a good boy you can have a ‘Moonshot Rocket Ice’ with it in exchange for one turnip- thanks to you we have lots of lolly!!!!” said Anna trying to be helpful.

“What about people who do not possess green fingers?” chuckled the Health Secretary.

“Then we have a watered-down version of Astra Zenaca for them…in Wales -we call it the ‘Poor Dab’!” replied Del.

“We do however warn them that there are some potential side effects- such as not being able to ever work again but strangely enough most people in this area are happy to accept such a risk!” interjected Joe.

“Who administers the vaccine?” asked Hancock.

Hannah stepped forward wearing a pair of Alan Titchmarsh gardening gloves and a phantom of the opera mask autographed by Michael Crawford covering her eyes only.

“Me!” she said proudly.

“I used to be a nurse and I had the pleasure of training under my good friends Baroness Munchausen Beverley Allitt and Dr Harold Shipman in Manchester!” Hannah continued.

“So that is how you got on the approved supply list….a Baroness!....of course!” said Hancock.

“Of course, I only put this gear on not to frighten the kids, as I tell they that I am really the ‘Masked Syringer’ off the Saturday Night Show of the same name!” continued Hannah.

“Although a lot of them already know how to find a vein, lots of them have seen their parents chasing the Welsh Dragon!” she continued in a matter of fact fashion.

“That was why we set up this Gym in the first place…interrupted Joe Boxer…to teach the females in the families how to dodge punches in the ring….otherwise it would be a bloodbath in this pandemic!”

“ A regular Quentin Quarantino!” if you like!” interrupted Del pleased at his comedic ad lib.

“Do people REALLY live like this in the 21 st Century?” asked Hancock of one of his aids horrified at the prospect.

“Never been to Merthyr before then Butt have u?” said an elderly woman sticking her head around the door.

“Who the Hell are you?” asked one of the Bodyguards from Serco.

“Mrs Paula Grady!” fired back the resident.

“Who wants to know?” she spat back with all the viciousness of a cat in the middle of a cat fight.

“Her Majesty’s Health Secretary” came the reply.

“Look…replied Paula….I queued up overnight to make sure that I was first in line for the jab…to give you an idea of what it was like - imagine the queue for Wimbledon or outside Harrods on Black Friday before Christmas….except with more Police sirens and Fire Fighters being pelted with stones!”

“Or in Merthyr the queue for the Dole Office!” she continued.

“Please let her in Officer….she has been outside since 5am in sub-zero temperatures…she will be our first guinea pig of the day!” said Hannah.

Joe tried to distract the Health Secretary from that comment.

“Before we inject them with the vaccine…we try to put the patient at ease by asking a few simple questions!” Joe said showing his authority.

“Name?” asked Joe shaking whilst holding the clipboard giving the appearance of the former football scores vidiprinter.

“Paula Grady!” replied the elderly woman.

“Address?” asked Joe.

“53 Thirteenth Avenue!” she replied.

Joe raised an eyebrow suspiciously as the Avenue count only went up to Twelve.

“Age?” Joe questioned further.

“Eighty years of age!” replied the old crone.

“Date of Birth!” he continued left eyebrow raised higher than Everton manager, Carlo Ancelotti.

“01/04/1991…sorry I meant 1941!” said Paula.

Joe reached across and snatched at the elderly woman’s beard sharply.

It revealed a much younger woman in her early thirties.

“Well Mrs Doubtfire…where do you think this is?..... America?” he said booting the woman up the arse out through the door of the hut.

“I thought it was suspicious….no-one has all their OWN teeth at that age on this Estate!” said Joe triumphantly.

“When can I have my vaccine? Because I am in category Ten!” moaned Paula (whose real name was Dani La Rue).

“Come back after Meghan Markle gets accepted back into the Royal Family with open arms!” said Joe.

“Come back any sooner and you will get a different jab!” shouted Delroy, as the attempted fraudster slunk down the street.

“So near…. so Spar!” Paula moaned shaking her head to the next imposter in the queue.

“I think we have seen enough!” said Hancock signalling to his lackies.

“What about our licence….will it be renewed?” asked Joe nervously.

“Can you make a donation to the Conservative Party?” asked the Health Secretary.

“Will a sack of turnips, some prizes from Castle Bingo and a chicken do?” asked Hannah.

“ I think we already have enough vegetables in the Cabinet already!” came the reply.



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